It was only a month after Simon died that River died too. No one knew exactly how to prepare her meds. In the end, they didn’t even know if she died from something they gave her or from withdraw from something they didn’t. But there was nothing anyone could do to help her and she did nothing to help herself. After that, Serenity started dying. Not just in spirit, but mechanically as well. Kaylee had fallen into a depression and completely failed to bounce back after so much death. Mal offered to take her back home, in part because he figured she needed a break, but mostly because he couldn’t afford to keep paying for her to do nothing. She didn’t eat much as it was, but the budget was getting too tight for hangers on, especially now that he didn’t have a medic and had to run to ground for help with every serious wound. Inara offered to take Kaylee to her world for awhile, but Kaylee refused to leave. It was the only thing she ever expressed an opinion on. Otherwise, she rarely left her hammock in the engine room. She just sat there, staring at nothing. At first, Jotham, the new mechanic Mal hired, had made crass comments about Kaylee, saying all she needed was a good rut. Jayne had thought that too, at first, and he nearly offered once. But when he had the chance to ask, Little Kaylee’s soul was so lost, he realized it’d do more hurt than good. Jotham didn’t seem to care. He didn’t know about Kaylee and Simon. He just saw a cute little girl that never wanted to leave the engine room. Mal reprimanded him early on, and Jayne added a few choice threats of his own. After that, Jotham just ranted all pissy and annoyed at seeing a girl he couldn’t touch. He wouldn’t last long if he kept talking that way. Jayne figured that Mal only hired him to mess things up a bit so Kaylee would have no choice but to fix them. Unfortunately, Kaylee didn’t have much heart left for Serenity. One night, Jayne came into the engine room to try to talk Kaylee out of the hammock and into a midnight snack. He found that hun dan Jotham pawing inside her clothes, talking dirty, and looking dirtier. Jayne roared behind him, tossing him bodily across the room, breaking his nose, and chasing him out with a knife. He glared angrily as Jotham darted down the hall and considered killing him then and there, but decided to let the scoundrel cower in fear for the night, then sic Mal on him in the morning. He’d be wrenched and spaced before breakfast. Through the whole ruckus, Kaylee remained in the hammock, staring blankly ahead, seemingly unaware that Jotham had nearly molested her. As tenderly as he could, Jayne righted Kaylee’s clothes, scooped her up, and carried her to the galley for that snack. She nearly fell out of the chair when Jayne set her down, so he slapped her cheeks lightly, calling her name until she acknowledged his touch. It took a few minutes, but finally Kaylee closed her eyes, bowed her head, and grabbed hold of Jayne’s hand before he could slap her again. A soft little laugh surfaced – it was the only thing assuring Jayne that Kaylee was still alive in there somewhere. Those rare moments when she returned to reality, it was always with a smile first, though it melted quickly into sadness. “Jayne?” Kaylee looked dazed – like she wasn’t quite sure how she’d made it to the dining room. He gave her a cup of coffee and a protein ration, determined to get her to eat while she was lucid. “Kaylee-girl, you have got to snap out of this,” Jayne warned, looking into her eyes, glad to see her looking back. “Do you have any idea what that hun dan would’ve done to you?” Kaylee averted her eyes shamefully and nibbled her food. Her answer was quiet and uncomfortable. “Yes.” “I don’t think you do, or you wouldn’t be sittin’ there so calm.” “I –” Kaylee stammered, crumbling the food in her fingers and dabbing it on her tongue. “I just thought I’d see what all he’d do… you know… without me sayin’ okay.” “Wait, you wanted him to rape you?!” “I wanted…” Kaylee breathed heavily, searching for an explanation. “I’m so tired of hurting, Jayne. I thought maybe…” “You thought it might help,” Jayne finished gently. “No,” Kaylee whimpered, crying into her cup. “I just thought it’d hurt different.” “Li’l Kaylee,” Jayne beseeched, putting a hand on her cheek so she’d look at him. “This ain’t the way.” Kaylee nodded, her head ducking again, and he could see her swallowing grief with each gulp of coffee. She ate forlornly for a few more minutes, until her mouth stopped mid-chew and her eyes went distant again. Jayne was fed up seeing her like this. She wanted to hurt different. She wanted to burn away the grief. He knew what worked for him. Resolutely, Jayne grabbed her elbow, roughly jostling her out of her wallowing and onto her feet. “Jayne, let me go,” Kaylee moaned. “You wanna do nothing?” Jayne challenged, pulling her aft toward the catwalk. “You wanna end up like all them folks on Miranda? Dead for no reason?!” “Yes!” Kaylee cried, tripping as Jayne pulled her too fast down the stairs. “Well… you can’t!” He set her brusquely on the weight bench and started pulling and adjusting the weights on the bar. He didn’t quite know how far he should strip it down – he’d seen her do a fair amount of heavily lifting. But he stopped fiddling when Kaylee floated soulfully off the bench and started drifting to the passenger dorms – to Simon’s old room. Grabbing her wrist, he snapped her back to the bench and told her to start pressing. “Jayne, this won’t help anything.” “Ten reps,” Jayne growled. She pouted at him, but finally laid back and started pressing the weights, completing ten easily. “See. Nothing’s changed,” she griped, returning the bar to its shelf, looking accusingly at him. He added five pounds to each side. “Ten more.” She started to protest, but Jayne’s look silenced her. “I can take more weight,” she grunted half-way through the next set. Jayne didn’t add more. He wanted her to last a few more sets. When she finished, he ordered ten more. After the third set, she got the idea. Channeling her grief and anger into the exercise, she didn’t stop. She just kept pushing and pushing, sweat and tears pouring off her face, muscles straining. Eventually her arms gave out and Jayne caught the bar quickly before it could fall on her. Kaylee cried out a mixture of frustration and helplessness, folding her shaking arms across her chest and sobbing. She rolled to the floor, burying her head in her arms, yelling and screaming and wailing, finally not caring what anyone thought. She’d been hiding all this inside for too long, only letting herself weep quietly and in private. Jayne pondered the next exercise he had in mind, but decided she couldn’t breathe well enough through all that crying. So he dragged the weepy mechanic to the engine room instead. He hated being so rough with her, but it seemed every time he got gentle, she disappeared. Once in the engine room, Kaylee drifted toward the hammock, but Jayne yanked her elbow, faced her toward the engine, and put the nearest wrench in her hand. Fixing stuff is what she used to do when she was hurting and gorramit, he’d make her do it again. “Fix it,” Jayne ordered. “I don’t want –” “Fix it!” “Can’t, Jayne –” “Yes! You! Can!” Jayne hollered, his eyes flashing fire. He was glad to see the fire well up in her as well and he ducked quickly when she swung at him wildly with the wrench. Maybe he should’ve given her a lighter tool. The momentum sent Kaylee reeling toward the wall, but Jayne spun around and caught her by the waist before she hit. The wrench clamored from Kaylee’s shaking hands and she wailed as the pain inside of her burst forth. She was kicking him, clawing, biting, pounding – fighting the way she should have when that hun dan was feeling her up. With goading words, Jayne spurred her on. A part of him worried that his sunshiny Kaylee might not survive this. Another part rejoiced that she was living at all. He had her locked in a loose choke hold when Mal barged in. “What the hell is going on?” Mal hollered. Jayne immediately released Kaylee and the girl ran into Mal’s arms, weeping on his shoulder. Mal looked surprised at first, but wrapped his arms protectively around Kaylee and looked accusingly at Jayne. When he noticed the blood on Jayne’s shirt, he pulled back and gave Kaylee a once over, but Jayne had been careful with the girl. The blood belonged to Jotham. “I ain’t the one who tried to rape her,” Jayne answered, cautiously dropping the hint to see if Mal would bite. Although the Captain’s brow twitched, he remained dead silent and accusatory, so Jayne continued. “Just workin’ out some grief.” Kaylee shifted, wrapping her arms around Mal’s waist and crying more softly, unintelligible murmured pleas escaping her lips. Mal wasn’t satisfied with Jayne’s answer yet, but he saw plain as day that Kaylee was lucid and that both amazed and relieved him. “You alright, mei mei?” Kaylee shook her head and Jayne tensed, worried that maybe he had hurt her and Mal would space him too. Kaylee sniffled and looked up at Mal. “We need a new belt for the oil pump and the port thruster is dragging. Should probably land and flush the intake.” Both Jayne and Mal relaxed. Mal even laughed a little. It was the first time in a long while Kaylee had said anything about fixing the ship. Mal had asked her a question and she answered for Serenity – not herself. “Alright,” Mal said simply, kissing the top of Kaylee’s head and hugging her again. With a satisfied grunt, Jayne moved past the two to find that midnight snack he wanted. Kaylee and Mal followed slowly, him keeping one arm wrapped around her. Her feet stumbled occasionally, but her eyes stayed present. “Why’d Jayne say that about raping you?” Mal demanded gently. “It’s nothing,” Kaylee answered softly shaking her head. Jayne broke in for her. “That Jotham.” “He hurt you?!” Mal cried a bit too loudly. “No,” Kaylee whispered, shrinking a little. “It was my fault.” “You tell him he could touch you?” “I didn’t tell him no.” Mal grunted firmly. “I told him no. Jayne told him no. You weren’t in any condition –” “Captain, please don’t kill him,” Kaylee begged. “Is there a compelling reason why I shouldn’t?” “Please, Captain,” Kaylee pleaded. “I can’t … there’s just too much dying.” Mal stopped walking, considering Kaylee compassionately. He cradled her face and met her eye, then finally nodded his agreement. That meant the little rodent would just get left dirtside, which Jayne found all manner of insufficient. He was glad he’d broken Jotham’s nose already and decided he’d find and pummel the coward royally before they tossed him off. When the trio reached the galley, Jayne started pulling out the food to make some semblance of eggs. Kaylee kept walking. “You sleepy?” he asked, glad to think she might sleep in her own bunk for once. “Port thruster is dragging,” Kaylee explained tiredly. “I can compensate so we don’t start flyin’ in circles.” Mal followed her to the bridge, mostly to make sure she didn’t keel over. Girl hadn’t ate or slept properly in weeks. But Jayne did catch the ‘thank you’ in his Captain’s eyes just before he ducked out. Jayne smirked with his own self-satisfied grin and focused on his eggs. He’d probably have to do a few reps on the bench to work out some of his own anger after he ate. Otherwise, he might just kill Jotham before they hit mud. Jayne wasn’t fool enough to believe that Kaylee would just snap out of her depression like that. But they’d taken one more step through the darkness and he knew her sunshiny smile was waiting right near the horizon.

*~* Rationing Mirth