Jayne tried to nap, but every sound from outside irked him and more so than usual. He wanted to catch a few hours sleep before his shift staying up with Kaylee began, but the ship was still wide awake. Kaylee had gone to the engine room after supper and he had planned to find her there late in the evening. Girl hardly slept more than a few hours a night, but it was always at the hardest hours to stay awake. Having Inara around helped a lot, though Jayne worried a little because Inara hardly slept either, and the tension between her and Mal was escalating. Jayne had half a mind to get them drunk on engine wine, maybe also dig up some recreational drugs, then lock them in a bunk with more than a few suggestions and let them work things out. Once that pair got over the first hump, it’d still be rocky, but at least there’d be one thing out of the way. He’d offer a three-way just to get them started, but he knew Mal would shoot him for even suggesting it. Still… A soft thunk, thunk from the deck dripped into his room like water from a leaky faucet. Light-footed pacing, but in boots. Had to be Kaylee. Jayne groaned. No way she should be in the forward section this early in the night! Her routine changing might mean her getting better, but it also meant his shift starting earlier, and he wasn’t getting paid extra for this. Maybe he could just let her be. She was pacing. One of the others would find her and talk her back to work. Let Mal deal with it. Jayne rolled over, pulling a blanket over his head and covering his ears, but he couldn’t escape the sound of Kaylee. Grumbling to no one in particular, he pulled on a t-shirt, climbed up the ladder, and poked his head into the hall. Kaylee paced down the hall, turned around, walked purposefully to the door of her bunk, touched the door, and froze. She repeated the dance again, her hand freezing on the door, her fingers tracing the seal. “You wanna go in?” Jayne asked her. Kaylee yelped, nearly jumping out of her skin, then looked at Jayne with all the helplessness of a cornered rabbit facing a fox. Jayne climbed the rest of the way out of his bunk and crossed the corridor. She shrank from him, like she didn’t recognize him, but he kept her gaze calmly and took her hand. It was cold, clammy, and trembling. “Wanna go down there?” Jayne asked her again. Her hand tightened around his, her gaze falling on the closed door, and she nodded. Jayne tipped open the door for her, but she didn’t move. “Want me to go first?” He waited a beat, then climbed into the bunk, waiting at the bottom of the ladder for her to come down. She paced the corridor once more, but this time, since the door was already open, her boots hit the ladder and she climbed in. The room was sparsely decorated – a bed, a bureau, a few trinkets. Just whatever Mal and Jayne grabbed and set up for her so she’d have a place that didn’t scream Simon at her. It had yet to receive her special, decorative touch, and Jayne found that a little depressing. He leaned against the ladder and Kaylee stood in the middle of the room, looking around uncertainly. “Did you want to sleep here, or did you just come to pick something up?” Kaylee swallowed hard, coming back to the ladder, but Jayne blocked it. She didn’t seem intent on running out though. Instead, she rested her head against his chest and hugged him tight. “I don’t know.” “Just tryin’ something new?” She nodded, standing on the tops of his feet as he walked her into the room. “Will you stay?” she whispered “Mind if I catch a few winks?” “Do you mind if I cry?” she returned evenly, tears rising in her eyes. Jayne wiped the tears away with his thumb, but more fell in their place. “Never do, little Kaylee.” “I want to try something,” she choked through hiccups and sniffles. “I want to feel alive.” “And I want you to,” Jayne encouraged, his hand rubbing her back, his brain wondering if it was rude to sleep while she talked. Though she wasn’t talking much anymore. Most nights she just cried. She hardly ever talked about what she was going through. Jayne had always been glad for that, but he found now that her crying was so much easier to bear when she said she wanted more from life. Kaylee leaned her face in close to his tentatively and paused, her toes pressed against the tops of his feet. He could feel her breath against him. A split second later, her cheek touched his and her hot tears streaked down his skin. Jayne ran his fingers through her hair, breathing soothes into her ear. He carried her to the bed and sat down, cradling her tight against his chest. Her sobs escalated into anguished cries, louder and louder as she shuddered against him, deaf to anything but the shriek of her own agony. Jayne had tortured men for days some times and never felt pain so tangible. But Kaylee radiated her suffering, as if her body were incapable of containing such things. And there was nothing he could do but hold onto her, to absorb her tears, and try not to break himself. If the pay weren’t so good, he’d leave this damn crew! He was starting to care about them way too much, and it made him weak. Selfishly, he eyed the pillow, wanting that nap he’d been promised, so Jayne lay back on the bed, taking the crying Kaylee with him. He was nearly asleep when Kaylee’s sobs stilled and she began drawing light circles around his chest. She sniffled and traced, coughing occasionally, her fingers light and tickling, her mouth twitching against his shirt. He could tell she was thinking about something not Simon. Like a rainbow after a storm, there had to be some Kaylee cheer close behind. A smile curled on Jayne’s face and he lifted his head off the pillow to look at her. When he did, she mirrored the move and met his eye, her tawny hair sticking to her damp, tear-soaked cheek. The anguish and uncertainty had faded. She looked thoughtful. Contemplative. Like she was considering the space-worthiness of a vessel, except it was his face she was seeing. And she didn’t stop. She set her chin on his chest, walked her fingers up his sternum, and watched his face. He couldn’t help but laugh at her. “What you want, girl?” Kaylee sighed, her eyes shifting hesitantly. “Do you think it might help?” she asked, placing emphasis on the ‘you.’ Was she surveying the crew on something? Had Jayne missed the original question? “Think what might help?” Kaylee lifted herself onto her elbows, leaned forward, and kissed his lips. Jayne turned his head quickly in surprise, but she didn’t mind. She just kept kissing along his jaw line until she latched onto his earlobe, and she sucked it for a moment, siphoning out a good dose of his reason and self-restraint as well. “This,” she whispered softly, continuing a slow trail of kisses down his neck. Jayne was in shock. He choked on his breathe, but his hands were attached to the soft curve of her waist, and he was soaking her in. Should he push her off? She was still grieving and vulnerable, and as much as Jayne didn’t mind taking advantage, he knew he’d go to hell for it. And probably go very soon if the Captain found out. He’d thought to offer sex once, but decided she couldn’t handle it. Maybe she – “Ai ya!” Jayne literally squeaked as Kaylee’s lips closed around his Adam’s apple and her tongue swirled. She laughed at the sound. The sweet sound of Kaylee laughter coursed through him like a drug, making him compliant. “Touch me, Jayne,” she breathed, but Jayne still hesitated. He’d been on the wrong side of Serenity’s airlock before and didn’t much like it. “Kaylee, we shouldn’t,” he groaned. She reached a hand down to stroke him, but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her away. Persistently, she pressed and rubbed against him with her body instead. “But I want you to,” she moaned, her legs straddling him. He should never have laid them back on the bed! Jayne had already lost control of the situation, and he was starting to lose coherent thought as well. It seemed any emotion Kaylee had, she radiated and infected her world with. The anguish was gone. Now it was desire. And even though he wasn’t doing much besides laying there, her face glowed with sensual fire. Her nose touched his and she kissed his lips again. This time he didn’t turn away. Her tongue thrust into his mouth and his hands went limp for a moment, releasing hers to other mischief. He reached between them and stroked her through her clothes. Maybe just a few fingers working magic. Couldn’t be much regret in that, could it? Kaylee groaned at the contact, pressing against him, her eyelids fluttering. Slowly she undid the zipper of her coveralls and slid them off her shoulders. Sweet mercy, she was amazing! She guided his hand and he groped to the lowest opening of the zipper, then slipped inside. Just a few fingers. Just a little Jayne magic. Nothing she’d regret in the morning. Jayne got so lost in the desire on her face, in the pulse of her skin, in the heat of her body. He didn’t notice the mischief her hands were up to until they’d already removed his belt, undone his zipper, and wrapped around him. And he knew she wouldn’t settle for just a few fingers.

*~*

Kaylee slept on top of him, smiling softly, her head rising and falling to the rhythm of his breathing. Her smooth cheeks rested on his sweat soaked chest. They were huddled on one side of the bed near the wall, as the other side was still a bit damp. Jayne woke up, and couldn’t help a self-satisfied smile. He’d worn her out and made her so comfy that he could sleep next to her. Actual sleep! He could tell by the blink of her eyelashes against his chest hair that she had awoken first, but she didn’t scream or anything! She’d just let him sleep right there under her. That’s Jayne magic. Jayne stretched underneath her, his muscles sore from a night of passionate sex. It’d just be the one night if that’s all she wanted, but good gorram, if they started sexin’ regular, it’d make their time in the black all the merrier. And save him a hefty sum in the ports, since he wouldn’t spend it on trim no more. Trim. The thought struck him strange. Would he really give up his whore houses for little Kaylee here? Naw, it was just good economics he was reasoning through. More coin for booze. Kaylee hummed and purred, stretching against him as well. Skin on skin. He felt her plant a new trail of kisses across his chest, but he wanted to sleep more, so he just squeezed her in a hug until she stopped. It amazed him how much he liked just holding her. But then, he’d been doing it for weeks now. She’d been cuddling up to him in the day, sleeping next to him in the night. So after they had sex, they’d just fallen naturally into the position. And to his own surprise, it didn’t make Jayne want to run. “Don’t ever leave me Jayne,” she murmured, melting over him. What kind of silly request was that? He just signed up for a night of sex. Not to have and to hold. Kaylee’s hand slipped sinfully lower and Jayne suddenly found himself too awake, alert, and aroused to sleep. He raised his eyebrows at her and leered. “You don’t stop, do ya?” Kaylee shook her head and nipped his nose. “I want to go on.” She sucked his lip. “And on…” Down his neck. “And on…” Jayne’s hands were all over her in a heartbeat and she moaned with pleasure. Damn responsive woman! That Doc had no idea how good he’d had it! Or maybe he did. They’d been ruttin’ like bunnies around the ship, trying to – Jayne’s hands and thoughts both froze and he sat up quickly, scooting away from Kaylee. Simon and Kaylee had been trying to have kids. Trying to start a family. Any time they got caught fooling around the ship anywhere, that was the excuse! “What is it?” Kaylee asked, sitting back on the sheet, leaving her naked self completely exposed to him. Jayne kicked himself for being so stupid, but didn’t kick too hard. She was throwing herself at him, even now, and she wasn’t being subtle. “I know it’s probably a little late for this given last night,” he stammered, his voice thick, his eyes fixed on that magical region where her legs parted, inviting him. He wrapped her in a sheet mummy-style and pulled her close, just so he’d be able to concentrate. Front to back. She stayed thankfully still and looked straight ahead of her, her face clouded in disappointment. “It just occurred to me – you and the Doc were tryin’ to start a family.” He waited for Kaylee to acknowledge that she understood, but she just shrugged and stared forward at the wall. “And?” “Well, that must mean you went off the pill. Or the shot. Or whatever you were using. And since the Doc died, you had no reason to start up again…” She turned and looked back at him, her eyes soft and mournful. “You won’t get me pregnant, Jayne. You got no cause to worry.” Jayne nodded slowly and held her. He’d doused the flame. So much for morning sex! Dumb-ass! Why couldn’t he have waited till after! Still… her answer confused him… unless that engine hooch had rendered her sterile. He smoothed his hands over the curves of her body and she pressed back against him. “Wo de ma, Kaylee, are you already pregnant?” Kaylee stopped moving and didn’t answer. Eventually she shook her head, but by that time Jayne didn’t believe her. He pulled the sheet off her and considered her body, concealed normally by the baggy coveralls she wore, and last night by the gorram stars in his own eyes. He’d had enough pregnant sisters, cousins, and ex-partners to tell. There was a barely discernable rise in her abdomen – so minimal, he may only have deluded himself into seeing it. Couldn’t be far along. Doc had died not three months back. If she were horny enough to want sex last night, then she was probably at four-ish. “Did the Doc know?” Jayne asked her as other words failed him. “I’m not,” Kaylee insisted softly. Unbelievably. “Sorry,” he apologized, deciding to let her live in her fantasy world awhile longer. “Didn’t mean to assume.” Jayne smiled and bent down to kiss her lips. He trusted those lips, and he knew it’d bring a smile. When he pulled away, her lips were parted, her eyes closed, her face consumed with rapture. After a few shuddered breaths, she spoke. “Make me feel alive, Jayne,” she asked. Begged even. Her hand laced around his neck, pulling him into another kiss, her tongue sinking into his mouth. He loved the way she purred into his mouth. And he may as well take it while he could get it. He couldn’t help the way his hand rested on her belly, and tried not to be too distracted by his new found knowledge. He’d have to tell the Captain soon … maybe after breakfast. He could feel the heat rising between them again. She guided his hands over her body, inside and out, wherever she wanted, and he let her have her fantasies for now. For Kaylee, it was the least he could do.

*~* * * Post A.N. – TuJiaoZuo gets a gold star for picking up on Kaylee’s comment to Inara in the last part. Coming up next: Mal and Inara have a much needed (civilized) chat.

Dismantling Denial