Jayne sighed happily as he stepped out onto the catwalk slurping down his third bowl of noodles, thanking any god vying for attention that he was eating solid food again. He wore his ‘Troublemaker’ t-shirt, which hung loosely on his torso since he’d dropped thirty pounds being laid up in the Infirmary, but he fully intended to live up to the label today. He’d had to add a few notches to his belts to get them to fit, but he was eating his way through Serenity’s stores and had spent the morning working out, so he didn’t expect to be a lightweight for too long. His tool belt was appropriately adorned with flashlight, utility tool, knife and sheath, holster, and his favorite day-gun of the week, Liza. He stretched side to side, cracking his back, feeling the taut pull of his atrophied abs next to the satisfied soreness that comes from building new muscle. Plopping down on the catwalk and dangling his feet over the side, Jayne continued eating as he looked at the vacant cargo bay, listening to the rhythms of home. It sounded so different outside the Infirmary. Mal and Inara entered below, bickering about some nonsense or other as they rearranged some of the storage crates. They’d made it through the first hump, which Jayne was sorry he didn’t get an earful of. He recognized the difference in the tension between the two. Now it was closer to where Zoë and Wash had started out, and Jayne knew it would end well for the pair. Kaylee entered a moment later, pulling engine parts from storage containers, breaking up Mal and Inara’s bickering with her cheerful chatter. He watched her wistfully, remembering the feel of her lips on his, knowing it never would be. She was the first woman since … forever ago that he trusted enough to let touch his lips. He could see the soft swell of her stomach – Simon’s baby. Zoë came behind him on the catwalk, hollered something to Mal, and turned to leave just as quickly. Jayne noticed that Zoë never liked sharing a space with Kaylee if she could help it. He figured it had something to do with the baby. Having shared a wall with Zoë and Wash for the duration of their marriage, he knew they’d been trying to have kids of their own. Had to be that, because Zoë didn’t start getting tetchy until after Kaylee’s pregnancy came out. He planned to get to the bottom of it and right things between the two women before the baby came. No sense bringing a kid into a tense situation like that. Jayne pursed his lips and thought again of leaving Serenity. He was starting to know this crew too well, and care about them far too much. “Hey,” Hawk said, coming down the catwalk behind Jayne and stopping so that his leg was nearly against Jayne’s back. The move was meant to violate his personal space and make him feel uncomfortable, but now that Jayne was on to the game, it didn’t bother him at all. Fighting to suppress a wicked grin, Jayne looked up at Hawk, trying to look like he was swallowing a repulsed shudder instead. “Something you want?” Jayne growled. Hawk pressed his leg teasingly against Jayne’s back and Jayne reached over, snaking his hand up Hawk’s inner thigh. Surprised, Hawk jumped away with a yelp, but Jayne just leered and winked. “What the hell?!” “Been a long time holed up in that Infirmary,” Jayne explained casually as Hawk headed downstairs, eyeing him skeptically. “Had time to consider some options.” It was his turn to laugh at Hawk’s discomfort and Jayne smiled evilly to himself. His revenge was only just beginning.

*~*

The dinner table was alive with conversation, though Zoë had found some excuse to stay on the bridge. Jayne ate slowly, his stomach aching a little from having spent the afternoon inhaling noodles, but given the feast in front of him, he wasn’t about to stop. Inara had cooked something with real tomatoes in it! Jayne shifted in his chair, suppressing a devious smile as Hawk entered. He’d gotten Kaylee in on the prank, so he could work it right. Mal and Inara naturally fell next to each other at the dinner table and Kaylee sat next to Inara gabbing about baby things, so Hawk had no choice but to sit next to Jayne. It wasn’t so unusual a set-up, so Hawk didn’t think twice about it. Until about half way through the meal when Jayne’s hand fell on his knee and started creeping higher up his leg. Hawk barely flinched, dropping an iron fist to his lap and clasping it over Jayne’s, stopping the motion. Still, he didn’t push Jayne off, probably because he didn’t want to make a scene. Or maybe he did, but Jayne refused to jerk his hand away just because Hawk was crushing his bones to dust. Instead, he wriggled his fingers, trying to tickle and tease, and the meal continued to pass, both of them eating one handed… until Jayne nodded toward Kaylee. “Hawk, can you pass the salt?” Kaylee asked sweetly. Hawk twiddled the fork in his hands, eyeing the salt, weighing his options. He’d either have to put down his fork to pass the salt or release Jayne’s hand. Putting down the fork would draw attention to the fact that he had one hand under the table, which Kaylee was bound to ask him about… Jayne leered as Hawk released his hands and immediately groped upwards, heading straight for the crotch. Hawk sprang to his feet in frustration. Inara and Kaylee seemed startled by the sudden move, Jayne burst into snickers, and Mal continued eating his soup like such interruptions were normal and not worth caring about. “Ai ya tian a!” Hawk roared. “Captain, tell this oaf to stop groping me!” “Jayne, stop groping him,” Mal said disinterestedly between bites of his meal. “Mal, tell him to keep his crotch out of groping reach.” “Hawk, keep your crotch out of groping reach,” Mal repeated. Jayne smirked. The Captain obviously recognized and approved of his revenge tactics. Hawk handed the salt to Kaylee, took his plate, and scooted his chair to the far side of the table. Kaylee started giggling as Jayne scooted his chair too, but Mal shot him a warning look, so Jayne decided not to do too much too soon. He had other things in store for the man who’d made him squirm far too often over the past few months.

*~*

By evening, Jayne had Mal in on part of the plan. But then, since the good whiskey was involved, it was near impossible to keep the man away. The two of them were in the mess, drinking heartily, celebrating the fact that Jayne was no longer on meds and could drink to his heart’s content. Mal invited Hawk to join them and, unwilling to pass up good whiskey, Hawk purposely sat on the opposite side of the table. Jayne didn’t care one bit at this point. He and Mal had been reminiscing about Simon’s bachelor party and needed to catch Hawk up on the history. Pranks could wait. Jayne loved that story. It was one of the few times they’d managed to get the Doc so completely drunk off his ass that he’d started to relax a little and get crazy. “I don’t know how he got it in his head,” Jayne recalled, laughing as much from the alcohol in his blood as the memory playing in his mind. “We took him to this high-class bar –” “By high-class, Jayne means the waitresses actually had some kind of thin ribbon covering their nipples, so they weren’t technically topless,” Mal interjected. “Simon don’t care about the girls. He looks at this four foot tall potted palm tree and says ‘I bet I could swipe this and no one would notice.’” Both Mal and Jayne broke into cackles at this point, bottoming up, and Jayne poured another round of whiskey. Hawk laughed raucously with them. “So he does it,” Mal said. “He gets me and Jayne to set up a distraction –” “Mal just struts over and punches the bouncer in the face!” “And Simon takes that moment to grab the plant and run for the door.” “’Course the pot alone weighs 30 pounds, so he just drops it and leaves this trail of dirt as he’s runnin’ up the street with this tree coming out of his head.” Jayne was laughing so hard there were tears in his eyes. “I nearly passed out from laughing,” Mal chuckled, wiping the mist from his own face. “You did pass out,” Jayne pointed out with a grin. “I had to carry you outta there before that bouncer beat you to a pulp.” The two men took a moment to catch their breath, smiles plastered on. “Simon didn’t run back to the ship,” Mal told Hawk. “He realized he was leavin’ a dirt trail, so he ran to this hardware store. Jayne and I heard the window break and the alarm goin’ off and we see him charging out of the store with half the tree still in his hands.” “He broke in so he could cut off the bottom half,” Jayne explained, wiping the jovial drool from his face and pouring another round. “I can’t believe the little man didn’t get caught, but he was fast with a saw. Must be all that practice from cuttin’ on people.” “He set the gorram thing up in the cargo bay next to the arch he and Kaylee were gonna use for the wedding ceremony.” “That man had a mind for mischief,” Jayne remembered, admiringly. “Him and his sister both.” Mal laughed, paused to remember a little more, then laughed again. “Oh, man. Kaylee was livid!” “Fuming,” Jayne agreed. “She refused to nurse the drunken idiot. Made us stay up all night doin’ it.” “Which was a bit of a challenge, since we’d both diluted a healthy bit of our bodies to pure alcohol as well.” “I remember,” Jayne mused, his eyes looking up. “We didn’t sleep in our bunks; we slept downstairs … so when I got up to take a piss, I couldn’t find the toilet. I just kept walkin’ in circles tryin’ to figure out what room I was in, because I couldn’t find the stairs. Or when I did, they were leanin’ the wrong way.” “I remember findin’ Simon the next mornin’,” Mal interjected. “Still drunk, standing at the stove with a bottle of vodka that he had to have stole from somewhere because we didn’t have none on the ship. He was completely naked, except for this little half-apron and he was fryin’ up the steel wool like they was pancakes.” “Right! I forgot he ruined that fry pan! Hell, I nearly smacked his head with it when I found out.” “I asked him what he was doin’ and he just looked kinda glazed at me and said ‘I think this protein has gone bad.’” “I miss gettin’ drunk with that boy,” Jayne said, holding his glass up to toast. The others raised their glasses as well. Jayne looked at Mal, then at Hawk, a glint in his eye.

*~*

Hawk woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and no recollection as to how he made it back into his bunk. In fact, he hadn’t made it to his bunk at all… he was in Jayne’s bunk. Though a quick examination told him his clothes hadn’t quite made it down here with him. He rubbed his eyes tiredly, trying to blink through the fog of the night before. There was the whiskey. And then a bottle of something else after that he couldn’t quite recall. He’d shared some of his more raunchy drinking stories, getting into a one-up game with Jayne on who had more completely forgotten what planet they were on at the time they did their craziest stunts… then there had been a bit of groping under the table … and then things got really foggy. He groaned as he lifted his head, spying the glass of water on the side of the table. Not caring how old it was, he picked it up and drank. A piece of paper stuck to the bottom, written in Jayne’s block letter scrawl. ‘Now that was fun!’ Hawk grunted again, but the night failed to become any clearer. Fun? What the hell could that mean? Unable to find his own clothes, Hawk pulled a pair of Jayne’s shorts from a laundry pile and pulled them on. Being a bit stockier in the upper body, he already knew that none of Jayne’s shirts would fit him. He needed to get to his own bunk. And get water. One or the other. As he stood and his head pounded, he opted for water first. Ignoring the note and its implications, he staggered blearily up the ladder, to the galley, and drank the tallest glass of water he could find. As he refilled it, Kaylee skipped into the room cheerfully. “Sounded like you two had fun last night,” she chirped. Hawk was not amused. What in the tian xiao de had that gorram merc done to him last night?! He was even less amused when Mal came through and glared at him, muttering something about shipboard romance and public indecency. Deciding he should put some real clothes on, Hawk filled his cup again and climbed into his bunk. That’s when he realized that when Jayne pulls a prank, he goes all the way. His bunk was as empty as the day he moved in. All his clothes, guns, keepsakes, down to the linens on his mattress. All of it had been removed. Now he was stuck shirtless, until he found Jayne or his belongings. Remembering Jayne’s story about one of River’s pranks, he had a sinking suspicion that certain items might get spaced if not found in time. When he climbed back into the hallway, he headed for the bridge to make sure his toy collection hadn’t disappeared as well. Half of those were gifts from friends who were long dead by now, and if they were missing, they were first priority. When he got to the bridge, he wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or mortified. All the dinosaurs and barnyard animals appeared to be present, but they were suspended from the console on individual nooses, which must have taken Jayne half the night to tie up. How had he managed all this drunk? Taking a brief moment to inventory and release his more prized toys from their nooses, Hawk felt the throb of hangover threatening him. Maybe the Infirmary next. On his way downstairs, he heard Jayne puffing loudly, pressing weights in the cargo bay. Jayne noticed him coming, smiled impishly, and sat up. “Mornin’ sunshine,” he goaded. “Biao zi de er zi!” Hawk retorted, charging him. Jayne laughed wickedly, letting himself be knocked to the floor. “Where’s my stuff?” “It’s no fun if I tell you!” Jayne retorted, grappling fiercely, blocking the half-hearted punches. Despite the hangover, Hawk knew he had the upper hand, if for no other reason than Jayne was laughing too hard to breathe.

*~*

Jayne rooted through the Infirmary for the pain pills, and then brought the drugs and a cup of water to Hawk, who was still moaning on the couch in the lounge. “Why’d you have to drug me?” Hawk complained. “How’s I to know the liquor would be enough? We ain’t exactly been drinking buddies.” “Next time, just get me happily drunk and kick me in a ditch or something.” “Naw, next time we’ll get drunk and have fun at someone else’s expense,” Jayne replied with a grin. “Maybe steal a tree or something.” “He really stole a potted plant?” “Simon? Hell, yeah. Thing lasted a good month before it finally kicked. It was the only time we ever had a tree at Christmas. Tree of any kind.” Hawk nursed his cup of water, then dropped his head like a lead weight against the pillows. “Jayne.” “Hmm?” Jayne responded, falling out of his reverie. “What made you string up all my toys on little nooses?” “Well, my first thought was castration, but none of them really had the parts for that. Then I was gonna decapitate ‘em, but Mal said no.” “Were all the others in on it?” Jayne smirked. “You set yourself up, man. Don’t feel bad. Simon had it worse.” “You drugged him?” “No. But he was such an easy mark.”

*~* * * Post A.N. This is it, because I’m tired of Simon and River being gone. But I like Hawk. I’m going to use him in another (non-firefly) story. If you have questions about unresolved plot points, I have answers, so just ask.

And PLEASE COMMENT! Tell me what you like, and I’ll write more of it. Your continued comments are important to me!