THE TIE THAT BINDS part 1

“I don’t know,” she’d said. “I don’t know.”

As he lay in his bunk, her words were looping, almost audibly, in his ears. And in his mind, that smile of hers...

“Good answer,” he had replied to her. And then she smiled…that slow, unsure, radiant smile. She seemed child-like then, even mischievous, in the confrontation of the dilemma that faced her once again: to stay or to go. When last she was faced with this dilemma, she chose under no uncertain terms to leave Serenity, to the leave the crew, and to leave him.

Captain Malcolm Reynolds lay facing up in his bunk, eyes wide open, so unlike the usual facedown, prone, arm- hanging-off-the-side position his body normally took from flinging himself onto his bed because of both carelessness and exhaustion. But now, his mind was whirring with activity and he couldn’t be bothered to sleep, even though he’d left the helm of his beloved ship at the more than capable hands of River Tam.

His thoughts returned to the day she told him she was leaving. It was a strange and strained decision; at least it seemed to him. He didn’t understand why she came to such an abrupt conclusion but there was no mistake in the resolve that shone in Inara’s eyes as they stood on the ship’s walkway. She talked of family, being tied to people, and getting to a point where you can’t tear yourself away or even wanting to. He could only surmise that she was adverse to this. At the time, all he could do was recoil at her declaration and steel himself for her departure. And once she left, he did not see the point of speculating as to why. She was gone and there was nothing to be reasoned. But now, though he never liked to return to that moment she uttered the words, “I’m leaving,” he thought about the circumstances that led up to it.

It was certainly an emotional time. Inara’s meeting with Nandi, an old colleague and friend from her formal Companion Training House, was fraught with memories of what once was and could have been. According to Nandi, Inara was next in line as high priestess of the House and she was ambitious in vying for it. Then, on the morning of the big damn fight, he awkwardly ran into Inara just as he was leaving Nandi’s room, and bed. He thought he was grateful for her playing it off as she did but it never sat right with him. It still didn’t. During the gun fight, Inara was with Simon helping Pedaline birth her baby. And finally, tragically, Inara witnessed Nandi die at the hands of that ripe bastard, Ranse Burgess. In his mind, there weren’t many women, or men, as strong and bright as Nandi. Her loss was felt deeply within him so he could only imagine how Inara must have felt having known Nandi longer and more fully than he ever had a chance to. But what about Nandi and her “family” unsettled Inara so much that she had to leave? He couldn’t wrap his brain around it.

This made Malcolm think even further back; about why Inara left the Companion House in the first place. He recalled Nandi mentioning that Inara left quickly and in the midst of controversy, it seemed to her. Why leave when there was so much going for her? He realized he never probed about Inara’s past. Most of it didn’t concern him anyway. When she first boarded Serenity as a prospective renter, he got the sense she was running from something even then. But she quickly squelched the notion by asserting her good standing with the Alliance as well as her pro-Alliance stance. After hearing that, he didn’t need or want to hear anymore. All he needed was to know that she would stay on, pay rent, and bring a little respectability to their operation. Since that day, whenever he saw Inara, all he could think of was her in the here and now and how her presence alone would simultaneously strengthen and disarm him.

But he soon realized, as he lay there, that Inara remained much of an enigma. She was friendly to everyone, with the exception of Jayne, as was the case with anyone. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed that Inara didn’t really live with them as much as she lived among them. She made sure of that. There was no doubt of her care for Kaylee, her concern for River and Simon, her friendship with Book, Wash, and Zoe, and her barely hidden contempt for Jayne. But who was she to him? They spoke comfortably enough in casual settings but whenever he was near her, she bristled or shied away from his gaze, even from his touch. She built a wall faster than his father’s ranch hands could fence up the lots back home. This spoke more of who he was to her, apparently. He didn’t like where these thoughts were going and quickly brushed them under mat. More confidently, he knew who she was to him. She was a distraction…of the best sort. He had told her this, though not in so many words, especially those last few words. She fogged things up, she spun him about, yes, and he couldn’t imagine anyone else more beautiful, graceful, alluring, and stubborn to take his head out of his own arse. After the war, he was rudderless. He went where the wind blew. But she quickly became his compass and conscious…something he convinced himself he had lost in the bloodied, charred mess of the Valley.

When Inara had left, he felt the coldness creep back in. Kaylee’s cheerfulness, Zoe’s honesty, and Book’s earnestness were each a light to his path but he missed the piercing beacon that was Inara. And now she was back. She really was back to stay, wasn’t she? He allowed himself to close his eyes for a few moments and relax a little for the first time in days. That smile played across the back of his mind once again and he knew that this time would be different. This time he would ask questions and get answers.

To be continued….