Mal was still sitting at the dinner table. Jayne had finished the soup and left. The big mercenary hadn't said much, he never did, and that had suited Mal fine. He wanted very much to be alone right now. It hurt to sit up straight. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. He sighed and put his head in his hands. And promptly winced. All right, so his head hurt to.

Mal had put on his captain face in the hangar bay earlier. Checking if his crew was fine. Doing all kinds of captainy things. Worrying about Kaylee. Worrying about Simon. Worrying about Wash, especially. He had done his very best to drag him through Niska's torture, but he wasn't quite sure if he had succeeded. In any case, Wash had Zoe to take care of him. He would be fine, eventually. Mal wasn't sure if he himself would be fine. Some of the things Niska had done to him he would really like to push to the back of his mind and bury them forever, never to think of them again. And looking after Wash had taken a lot out of him as well. But his crew didn't need to know that. He was their captain. He would never show them his pain. Only Zoe might know. He had seen the look in her eyes when they had come to rescue him. She knew him, had stood by his side for years. But she was busy comforting her husband. Closing his eyes, he inhaled slowly. He put his hands flat on the table. Mal desperately tried to steady himself, he could feel his emotions raging inside. He could not get Niska's grinning face out of his mind.

Mal got up slowly from his chair, pausing to fight the wave of dizziness that washed over him. He quickly went over his options. Sleeping. No, that wouldn't do, too many nightmares there, old and new. Getting drunk. No, not today. Dragging Zoe away from her husband to talk to her. No, Wash needed her more today. Or any day, for that matter. He sighed again. Simon. He could talk to Simon. After all, he was a doctor. He paused, let the idea run around his mind, but finally rejected it as well. He would get through this by himself. He was the captain. And that left him only one thing to do. Walking slowly, with a slight limp, Mal made his way to the engine room. Taking a tour of the ship, checking on her, might make him forget how he felt. Maybe.

Mal was listening intently for the small creaks and hisses that were part of living on a spaceship. He ran his hand over Serenity's walls, feeling the coolness of the metal, letting it seep into him. Touching something that did not hurt him. Something gentle, that did not make jolts of electricity course through his body. Something he could feel safe in touching without fear or pain attached to it.

'Captain?'

The voice came from far away. Mal slowly turned towards the sound and focussed.

'River? Whatcha you doin' here, shouldn't you be sleeping, like the others?'

'You're not sleeping either.'

Mal nodded. 'That I'm not, little one.' He winced slightly.

River turned her head slightly, looking at him with that disconcerting inquisitive look.

'Angry. Hiding core. For us.'

Mal looked at the young girl. For once, he had no difficulty in understanding what exactly it was she meant. But he wasn't going to tell River more than she had already guessed. She was so young. And Niska had been right. The real Mal was very close to the surface today, he needed to re-focus, and soon.

'River…'

'Trees. Shadow. Riding horses… Touch… No touch.'

She touched his arm, moving her hand down towards his hand. For one gut wrenching moment Mal thought about Niska doing the same thing, and started to jerk his hand away. But then he saw River's eyes. Gentle. So he let the light touch of her hand remain on his skin. Cool on hot.

River looked up, locking her eyes with Mal's.

'You need to touch, Mal. You need gentleness. Comfort. Don’t need to feel pain, or anger. Like me. Same thing. Need someone gentle. Not me. Can't do this. But there is one who can. Trust her. Let her help you. Trust me.'

She took her hand of Mal's, gave him a goofy half-smile, and stalked off quietly.

'Huh. How 'bout that,' Mal said. But he knew River was right. Comfort. He needed comfort. But she was wrong in where he should look for it. He put his hand on the cool metal of his ship once more. Serenity. All he needed.

END