Guns & Violas Part Three

I'm sorry Joss that I had to put your characters through this whole ordeal, it was just funny ;).

~~ Kaylee pushed herself from the top of the ladder as River's eyes followed. "Well, this was a bit.. unexpected." Kaylee said, drifting by the substitute pilot. River still clung to the controls, levering with her toes against the back of the seat to make minor adjustments to the flight path. "Not entirely," River answered. "Only possible reaction concurrent with astrophysical calculations." "Mmm-hmm, I s'pose..." Kaylee gave a worried smile, turning to see no one forthcoming in the front hallway. The younger girl counted quietly to herself as the mechanic paddled off the bridge. Kaylee wasn't overly anxious to look over her shoulder, and see the possibility of flames licking at the windows, so she didn't as she went. Better not to know, better to find the Captain, then the Doctor as her ankle had commanded her to do for the past few minutes. She found adequate handholds and evenly pushed herself along.

--

Simon turned back to find Esmerelda pointing directly at his head. He winced momentarily, then pushed the muzzle aside with a finger, sending the revolver into a slow spin across the lounge. From the bathroom came the sound of wretching and coughing. The couch lifted magically at that moment, as the wide-eyed doctor spastically grabbed the cushions.

--

Mal's attempt at spitting into the sink, after unintentionally imbibing a sphere of toilet water, proved problematic in the current gravity of the situation.

--

"It ain't the grav drive," Wash spat, still holding his aching jaw. "This is like, what, the eighth time I've said that...? It's fine, right there and workin' " Jayne just stared at him, then the mechanical device, before resuming, "Then why the hell's my oatmeal on the ceilin' back there?!" "Because it's scared of you." Wash chuckled and accidently clapped his teeth together. "Owww. Shoulda went with three, brain bleed or not. Why couldn't you have hit me on the other side?" Jayne pulled himself into the engine room a little further, exaggerating his size over the smaller man, "I still can, if ya want." Wash waved him back, "I've been drilled enough today, thanks, and you're not even a dentist..." He promptly changed the subject from violence to floatiness. "Mal said he'd pilot while I got some aspirin. This's lookin' more like negative G's. Somethin' ain't right here." Jayne nodded, processing about half of it. "Wanna go see what's up?" Wash directed with a waving finger. "Not particularly." Jayne answered. "May I ask why...?" Wash queried. "Why don't you?" Jayne shot back. "Uhh, that'd be because you just fist kissed me, and I'm still a bit fuzzy at the moment..." Wash shook his muddled head, "besides, you're the one can fly faster than Dr. Fantastical." Jayne adjusted his posture slightly and lied. "Well, I gots ta make my oatmeal and all..." "Right..." Wash rolled his eyes. "Okay, I'll go check then. Didn't want you to Wrench yourself or anything." Jayne sneeringly swatted him on the calf as Wash pushed off and floated out of the engine room.

--

Kaylee pushed and hauled herself through barrel after floating barrel of premium and quite odious fertilizer. She emerged through the cargo bay bulkhead and into the lounge to find Simon glued to the levitating couch. He stared back at her, "Uh, Kaylee...?" She continued hand over hand down the short stairrail, scanning for the Captain. "Not to fret." she said, still searching worriedly, "Where's the Cap'n...?" "Those two things shouldn't be in the same sentence." Simon observed, his own face showing more fret by the second. "He's in the bathroom still, I'm pretty sure. He seemed ill, which I'm beginning to understand now..., What is going on?" "It's nothin' serious. River's drivin'." she stated. "...R-r-rRiver's What..?!" Simon breathlessly coughed, fingers almost boring through the couch cushions. Kaylee glided over to him, bumping into Jayne's gun along the way. "Not to worry Doctor, takes a bit ta get used to it," she gathered the revolver along her flight and soon hung over Simon's head. "but low grav can be pretty fun sometimes! Just let yourself go." "I'm sorry, I though you just said that my sister is flying this ship." Simon quavered. "..and then I could've sworn you told me to let go..." "C'mon Simon, it ain't like we're gonna die or nothin'. At least, well, probably not." Simon took a huge gulp, and released his white-knuckled grip.

--

Serenity broke free of the gravitational influence of the cratered moon. The grav drive resumed its full effect, and not kindly.

--

Jayne came down over the main power lever of the engine, but his boots didn't touch the floor. He balanced precariously for a moment, as the lever shifted Serenity into hard-burn. He then toppled and landed with a massive grunt on his side upon the floor. Simon was in the middle of a soundless laugh as his shoes touched the ceiling. Kaylee smiled knowingly beneath him, hair haloing about her sweet round face. Their heads came closer together, their eyes closed. Kaylee puckered up. Then everything went starry as their faces connected. Solidly. Wash drifted over the dining room table, watching the items upon it scroll past beneath him like tiny islands on a mahogony desert. "Zoe, I can fly." he laughed, then suddenly splatted down like a Cappisen drive shuttle straight off the assembly line as powdered oatmeal rained down upon him. After a refreshing toilet water shower, Mal swung open the bathroom door to find Simon atop Kaylee on the couch, both of them groaning, Esmerelda pointing at his own self from Kaylee's outstretched hand...

--

165 barrels of Beaumonde cattle crap explosively tarred the floor of the cargo hold. And a good portion of the walls.

River plopped neatly back into the pilot seat, then proceeded to fasten her seatbelt. Now, a straight shot on to Santo. She'd shaved roughly 3.72 days off of their journey. Her work was done here.

-End.

-- (Special note: No characters, living or ficticious, were overly or seriously harmed during the making of this story. Simon and Kaylee took a couple aspirin, Wash had no trouble removing the chopsticks from his nostrils, and Mal never puked but had to wash his hair... Though Jayne did bear the brunt of the slap-stick, he quickly found a bag of frozen grapes to ease the pain...)

... Mal: "The cargo bay's lookin' all manner 'a horrific. River, did you just...?" Jayne: "Hrrrnn, my goolies... Uhg, Mal, did ya let one fly agin..?" Wash: "Is my nose bleeding...?" River: "It's getting very cold in here."

And the viola was still there... Beneath Kaylee's bed... Waiting.

-Fin. --