PART 3 – Rejected and Forgotten

Mal hated waiting. Jayne could stand there, still as a statue, staring out the observation window watching the surgery, but Mal couldn’t stay still. Were it old times, Jayne would be just as restless as him, and they’d be finding something that needed doing, even if it was just re-lacing their boots. Everything was broken, now that he’d lost Serenity. His family had scattered. Jayne hardly looked at him. Inara stayed by his side, but all she ever did was look at the sky and dream about going back. They’d all come together a few weeks ago for Cole’s wedding. It didn’t matter that most of them had never been to Sihnon before. Just the fact that they were all there made it home.

Mal had paced the common areas from the cafeteria to the waiting room to the observation lounge. Michael was around here somewhere. Inara suggested he might be on the third floor visiting River, and the simple option of a different path to walk was sufficient motivation to look. It wasn’t until he poked his head through the door and looked with his own eyes that his neurons fired sharply enough to realize something was wrong with his little Albatross.

River slept peacefully in the bed, though all the sheets and blankets were kicked off and tangled below her knees. Kaylee sat in a stiff folding chair by the window, and she smiled tiredly when she saw him.

“Hey, Cap’n,” she greeted. When Kaylee smiled, the worlds smiled with her. Mal felt his heart lighten half a kilo just anticipating the sweet kiss on the cheek he’d get if he leaned his face close enough.

“I’m not a Captain anymore,” he said, though he knew getting Kaylee to stop calling him ‘Captain’ would be as impossible as getting Zoë to stop calling him ‘sir.’

“Old habits die hard, I guess,” Kaylee said, hugging him hard and not letting go.

“They surely do, mei mei. I was lookin’ for Michael and I heard my little Albatross had a broken wing.”

“Yeah,” Kaylee sighed. “The Alliance nicks you once and you bleed the rest of your life, I guess.”

“Hey, now. Wait ‘til your old like me. Then you can be bitter.”

“If you keep getting’ older, I’ll never catch up,” Kaylee joked.

Mal raised his eyebrow craftily. “All part of my plan.”

Kaylee stepped around him, reaching for a bowl of water by River’s bedside, and dabbing River’s face with a damp rag.

“Didn’t have time to suss out what happened before we got the call,” Kaylee said quietly. “Zoë is the only thing she talks clearly on.”

Mal touched River’s face tenderly, then ghosted his hand over her heart, and rested instinctively on her belly. River’s stomach contracted minutely under his hand. She’d always been ticklish. Mal looked at his hand, then at River’s flushed face again. It was silly to think River might be pregnant. The first time she had a serious boyfriend, she’d talked to Simon about mixing birth control in with her other meds. When Simon told her she was sterile, she’d cried for two weeks straight. After that, she’d composed herself enough to do chores, but Mal had still found her on occasion curled up in the cargo hold crying her eyes out. It was the only time in her life that he let her call him ‘daddy’ without correcting her.

He’d deny it if anyone said, but she’d been one of his from the moment he kicked open that cryo-box in the cargo bay. He showed it to the ‘verse that day in Maidenhead when he scooped her up and carried her home, even though all reason and sense told him to leave her behind. He’d never quite figured out why she called him daddy, and she only ever did it in her cryptic, crazy-talk, double-speak. He didn’t mind taking her in as his own. It wasn’t like she and Simon could ever go home. No matter what the Alliance said or what exoneration papers they found, there was no way they could go back, and from what Simon said, their parents wouldn’t have them either way. Mal couldn’t fathom disowning his kid like that, but the rich had their own stupid ways, and he admired the hell out of Simon for rising above that kind of upbringing.

“Has the surgery started?” Kaylee asked him.

“A little while ago.”

River stirred, but resettled when Mal pulled his hands away. River was a handful when she was both sick and awake, so it was best to let her sleep.

“Cole and Genny should be here in another hour,” Kaylee said. “It’s sad Cole didn’t get to see Zoë.”

“He’ll understand,” Mal shrugged. “They shouldn’t have held her out for us.”

Kaylee sat by the window and looked away from him, the way she always did when he was being insensitive. “Understanding don’t make it right.”

“Have you seen Michael?” Mal suddenly felt trapped in the little room and he shifted foot-to-foot.

“He’s been out walking since he woke up,” Kaylee answered. Kaylee always seemed to know everything about everyone, like she’d put trackers on them. Every now and then, Mal got gripped by paranoia and checked himself with a scanner to see if he could find one. “There’s a nice foot-path around the hospital campus. You can try chasing him if you got the wind in you, but I think it’s easier to sit by the rose garden and wait for him to come ‘round.”

Mal remembered the rose garden, because Emily had run over to smell the flowers before they’d come inside. He didn’t think he could get quiet enough in his head to talk to Michael, but the boy seemed to have the right idea – pacing circles around the grounds.

*~*

Kaylee rubbed her eyes as she headed out of River’s room toward the hospital lobby. She figured someone should be down there when Cole and Genny arrived, because getting any information out of the reception staff as like pulling teeth out of a shark. She already felt drained. Every person that came, came with some bit of brokenness that never would’ve fractured so badly if they’d been able to stay on Serenity. It was like they never realized that family was the glue holding their broken bits together or that sending a wave every once in awhile would seal some of the cracks. She blamed herself for not being able to fix the ship, but after Sky died and Jayne cracked, they couldn’t pull jobs with big takes anymore, couldn’t feed four teenagers on top of it, and couldn’t afford to replace the parts that were wearing to dust.

All that was left of the ship was Inara’s shuttle. It hadn’t been her shuttle in years, but Kaylee still thought of it that way. Inara had it hidden away some place Mal didn’t know about, and she’d take it out every now and again and send Kaylee a wave while skimming the atmosphere, catching a glimpse of the stars. Kaylee made sure someone kept it in good repair, but the shuttle wasn’t meant to be without the ship. A part of Kaylee wondered if the Captain knew about the shuttle, and just kept quiet for Inara’s sake. Maybe the Captain had shuttle two hidden away some place. The Captain had always been restless on land. Serenity was the only place he found calm enough to stand still and just be. With the life they led, no one would’ve guessed he’d out-live the ship… or Little Zoë.

Kaylee stood by the front door of the hospital, looking out. Mal and Inara passed, walking hand-in-hand, and Michael crossed a few minutes later, going fast enough that he was surely lapping them. The whole lot of them must’ve been born with thrusters on their feet – always moving. Cole was different. As soon as he set foot on land, he got this healthy glow about him, like he’d been space sick his whole life, and his stomach had finally settled. He’d planted himself on Sihnon in Inara’s parents’ guest house, and had no intention of leaving.

Kaylee saw them coming from two blocks away. Cole’s eyes were downcast and his jaw set, and Genny led him by the hand. Those two had been best friends since before they could talk, and when they’d first gotten together, Kaylee worried they hadn’t seen enough of the worlds to know what they were committing to. They were committed, though. Kaylee had no doubts about that.

“It’s good to see you,” Kaylee greeted, hugging her daughter, and then her son-in-law. Cole held on a little longer, absorbing comfort from the embrace.

“Where is everyone?” Cole asked.

Kaylee shrugged apologetically. “In and out. I was heading for the observation room to watch the surgery.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Genny said, though she looked ready to start running laps with Michael. “How is Zoë?”

“She’ll be fine,” Kaylee assured.

“Is that dad’s diagnosis or Jamie’s?” Genny challenged.

Kaylee sighed. Both Simon and Jamie had been cautious about promising any kind of positive outcome, but Kaylee had to hope. Someone did.

“We’ve been living on miracles our whole lives,” Cole spoke up, folding his arms across his chest to keep his emotions from falling out. “No sense stopping now.”

Kaylee closed her eyes and smiled to herself, feeling her strength renewed. It was the first time someone besides her had expressed hope for Zoë without reservation.

*~*

Jayne wasn’t watching the surgery, but standing next to the window and staring kept him from having to talk to anyone, so he kept at it. He was thinking about his wife again. He thought about her all the time. Emily was just like her, and when his daughter looked at him, it felt like Sky was alive again, standing next to him, beaming proudly at their little one.

When she knew she was dying, she’d pulled him close and reminded him, “I was supposed to die when Emily was born, and you know it.” It was possible, she was meant to die before that, but she’d beat death off with a stick. She fought for every day and she laughed in the face of death. She’d nearly died when Emily was born, but then, when Emily laughed, and a miracle occurred. They had a few more charmed years, living strong and healthy. When a mercenary retires, it’s either because he’s been injured too much to fight or he’s dead. A few years together was all either of them expected going in. He thought sure he’d cleaned that gun. He was meticulous about maintaining his equipment; they both were. Somehow, it misfired. Somehow, it killed her. Somehow, the worlds kept spinning, like they didn’t even notice her gone.

He’d catch himself sometimes, standing by the pond, talking to her like she was still alive. He laughed with her and told her stories of days gone by. It always fell apart though, when she didn’t answer back. Any feat he’d mastered, she had one better, and he’d lost the challenge of living up to her standards. He tried not to talk about it – tried to look like he was moving on. He didn’t want Mal to have cause to lock him away again. Emily needed him. But then, not talking about Sky left him with a whole lot of nothing to say to anyone.

Jayne heard Genny and Cole enter with Kaylee. He looked over at Cole, and nodded a hello, that probably didn’t look like more than a blink to the girls. It nearly sent the tears in his eyes spilling over, but he tilted his head to the ceiling, and they didn’t fall. Cole called him every week, and Jayne always made sure he was there to answer, because Cole was the only one who called for his own self and not to check up on him. Most times, they didn’t even talk. They just left the channel open and made sandwiches or some such, and then they’d sit down and eat. It was like having lunch together, even though they were a million miles away.

Emily bumped Jayne, jostling him back to the present chaos that had suddenly erupted in the room. His daughter ducked under his arm, pressing herself between him and the wall, and she looked around his elbow. Genny chased her, but Emily squealed and ducked out of reach again.

“Ke wu de e mo!” Emily screeched, pulling Jayne in front of her like a shield.

“Come on, mei mei,” Genny whined. “I thought we were past this. You can’t stay mad at me forever.”

Genny was there the day Jayne had been committed to the psych ward. She was the one holding on to Emily as Emily screamed for him to come back. Turning quickly, Emily pushed Genny away and cocked her fist, but Genny was twice her size and accustomed to wrestling with the boys. With an irritated grunt, Jayne grabbed both girls by the collar and held them apart.

“Leave her be,” he growled at Genny.

The girl stared at him in surprise, but there was no guilt in eyes from being chastised. She blinked a couple of times, then finally murmured, “Sorry, Uncle Jayne.”

He gave her one final warning glare, then released her, and turned to Emily. “And you, doll face. I already told you we’re here for Zoë. Ain’t no one came here to take you from me. Dong ma?”

Emily looked away from him, but he grabbed her chin and forced their eyes to meet. She was scared, hurt, confused, and probably a million other things, but right now she looked angry at being publicly reprimanded. There were tears streaming down her cheeks and a defiant look on her face saying she wasn’t as weak as the tears belied. Finally, she jutted out her chin and nodded that she understood, and then wiped her face sharply with the backs of her hands. Jayne hooked his hand around her head and pulled her into a rough hug. She heaved a brooding sigh, but sank into the embrace and patted him tentatively.

“You hungry?” he asked her.

Emily shrugged noncommittally, but Jayne recognized it as a yes.

“Let’s walk.”

*~*

Mal held Inara’s hand as they walked through the gardens at the perimeter of the hospital. He hadn’t always been able to hold her hand, but he’d always been able to walk beside her. Even back when they bickered constantly and threw insults at each other, they had always found peace when they were walking about town, shooting the breeze. Walking seemed to keep Mal’s foot out of his mouth and any wrong words that slipped out got left on the road behind them.

Michael was doing a fair job trampling the path at the moment. He’d slowed down long enough to say hello, but he was young and needed to walk a little faster to outrun his worries. Inara held onto the boy until he started tugging at his ear, and Mal knew they’d only hurt him more by making him stay with them. Michael read his Mama clearer than his own thoughts, and despite the brave face, Inara was breaking inside.

“It doesn’t matter how many times we go through this. Her life always flashes before my eyes,” Inara said softly. Mal squeezed her hands to stop them from shaking. This was Zoë’s sixth relapse.

“I think it’s harder this time, because she doesn’t think she’s going to make it. She gave this to Michael to give to me.”

Inara held up the mother’s ring that Mal had made ages ago. He’d made it for Inara, but given it to Zoë, because Zoë always seemed to be forgetting she was part of this family. To pass it on … Mal shuddered and covered his face with his hand, forcing himself to breathe.

“Just hold it so it doesn’t get lost,” Mal said, taking the ring and sliding it onto Inara’s finger next to her wedding band.

“I remember when she was learning to walk,” Inara said. “She’d make us walk in circles for hours holding her hands up.”

Mal smiled through the tears, the joy of the memory temporarily overshadowing the fears of the present. “Remember when she learned to count and River tried to teach her hide-n-seek. She got to a hundred and just kept going because she thought the counting was more fun.”

He felt the healing in his heart. The Alliance thought they’d killed him. They thought they’d beat him to nothing, and they left him to wander the ‘verse as a ghost. All he’d tried, taking up crime and defying them at every opportunity, hadn’t made him more than a mosquito to them. His greatest victory wasn’t in bringing them down, but in proving them wrong – in having a family that taught him to live again. His victory was that he’d come back to life.

“When she was eight, she saw this pair of shoes she wanted, but it was a rough month and we couldn’t afford a frivolous pair of shoes,” Inara said. “I nearly pawned the bracelet I was wearing so that I could buy them, but she looked at me thoughtfully and said ‘Baba would never let me get those shoes. I’m getting a job so I can buy my own shoes.’”

Inara half-laughed, half-sobbed, and she stopped walking. Mal wrapped his arms around Inara and she trembled, not wanting to cry.

“That’s when she started charging us for baby-sitting isn’t it?” Mal asked and Inara nodded. Mal had never realized there was a reason Little Zoë wanted an allowance, but that girl, like her Mama ‘Nara, had an unhealthy love of shoes.

“The first thing she got were those red slippers,” Mal remembered. “Completely impractical, but it was her own money and she wore them into the ground. I think she still carries a piece of ‘em in that satchel of hers.”

He swayed with Inara in his arms and they remembered Little Zoë running around wearing those red, sequined slippers. Mal had seen the occasional blister, but Little Zoë never complained. He blamed Inara and her collection of completely impractical footwear. Out of curiosity, he looked down at Inara’s shoes. They were navy blue and gold, matching the dress she had on, with a low heel and no back. A part of him wondered how many shoes she’d packed, because he knew she wouldn’t have been wearing them with the outfit she had on yesterday.

Inara caught him contemplating, chuckled lightly, then tugged his hand to start their walking again.

“She named Cole,” Inara started again. “I didn’t want to name him Cole, but I felt so guilty about her getting left at home.”

“What did you want to name him?” Mal asked. Talking about baby names was something they’d missed out on, since Zoë and Inara had been planet-side the last few months of the pregnancy when Zoë had her first relapse.

Inara shrugged and shook her head. “I couldn’t say no to her.”

“I thought it was a perfect name,” Mal said with a smile. “She told me, and I quote, ‘I named him Cole because he has dark hair like Mama ‘Nara.’”

“Is that how she picked the name?” Inara laughed, her eyes shining now that she recognized the dimension and beauty of it, then she stopped dead in her tracks. “Gou shi, what time is it?”

Mal shrugged.

“I wanted to surprise Cole at the space port, and now I’ve missed him.”

*~*

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