Chapter 12 River was startled by a noise only she could hear. She heard Simon, as if he were right behind her, but something was wrong. She knew he was not really right behind her. That was preposterous considering he was approximately 31.385 meters away and down one level in the infirmary, though, that wasn’t what was wrong. “River,” Kaylee asked with open concern, “are you alright?” Kaylee’s concern would normally be appreciated, but it was colored with much fear and insecurity concerning her brother. Kaylee’s emotions always seemed to broadcast the most powerfully of the crew. After a rough day, River found the current effects especially disorienting. River shook her head in an attempt to clear it. Kaylee began, “No? It’ll be okay, let me just get Si-“ “No!” River stated emphatically, “Not ready. Can’t see him.” “River, he’s your brother. He loves you and only wants to help-“ “Stay away from him!” River shouted. Why can’t she understand? “River...” Kaylee began fearfully as she slowly shifted towards the engine room door, “I really think we should talk to Simon about this.” “Not ready,” River repeated. Why is she afraid of me? River could feel the tears coming that could not be stopped without a functioning amygdala. “Stay away from Simon. Serenity needs you more,” River said as she ran towards the infirmary. “Don’t worry son, none of that’s leavin’ this room,” Mal comforted as crouched on the infirmary floor to address Simon at eye level. Simon nodded numbly. Simon appreciated the Captain’s discretion, but his exhausted mind could not form the proper words. “I know you don’t wanna hear it,” Mal said, “but ya done good today. Weren’t for you and we coulda been short one first mate and the lot of us arrested.” If it weren’t for me, none of you would have any of this trouble, Simon thought, but again nodded numbly. He lacked the strength for an argument. “You’ve had a rough day. Why don’t you get some rest. And if you need to talk about it,” Mal said tentatively before finishing with a smirk, “find you a good listener. Someone not old mean and all hollowed inside. In other words, someone not me.” Mal rose and mussed Simon’s hair as if he were a child. While Simon appreciated all that they had done for him, Simon really wished Mal and Zoe would leave, especially Zoe. When their minds had connected earlier, during the gunfight, Simon saw a darkness in her that absolutely terrified him. Simon relaxed a little as he listened to the two of them leave. “Captain, was that really necessary?” “What? I needed to lighten the mood. ‘Sides Zo, we both know he’s gonna brood first anyway.” “Simon?” River’s voice traveled nervously from the infirmary entrance. “Mei mei,” Simon greeted, feeling somewhat relieved, “are you alright?” “Not logical. Parameters have yet to be established to ensure accurate measurement. She is alive.” River stated as she sat down on the infirmary floor in front of him. Simon sighed and was about to speak when River slapped him before embracing him. River cried, “Don’t go away. Don’t leave me again. You don’t have to do this alone. We have a family now.” Simon tensed up. Family felt like a four letter word to him. To say he had abandonment issues would be an understatement. Simon returned River’s embrace and attempted to sooth her, saying, “You’re all the family I’ve got, and all that I need. I promise I’ll never abandon you. I just… I… I’m not so sure who I am anymore.” “You’re wrong! And you’re stupid!” River said before burying face in Simon’s shoulder. She sobbed, “I love you Simon, so you have to get better.” Simon began to feel helpless and guilty. I’m supposed to protect her and now I’m hurting her. “River,” he asked tentatively, “Who am I?” “You’re my hero,” River said as she fought to stifle her sobs. “You never gave up, even when everyone you knew abandoned you and the universe turned against us. You always tried to do the right thing, even when it was dangerous or stupid. You saved people’s lives…” River began crying harder and was unable to continue. “Mei mei,” Simon comforted, “It’s okay. I’m sorry I worried you.” “They said you abandoned me, didn’t love me. I didn’t think you would come.” Simon kissed her forehead and whispered, “then you were a dummy.” “Don’t have to do it alone. We have a family now. You have to let them help you.” Simon again stiffened as his mind went numb. River poked the left side of his chest and said, “Needs love just like everyone else. All around but it can’t get in. Like a parachute. It needs to be open.”

River left Simon in the infirmary and hoped he would take her advice. River had trouble putting her thoughts into words accurately ever since the trauma of the Academy, but she thought she expressed herself relatively clearly this time. Not that it matters, she thought with a sigh, he never could take advice on matters of the heart. River voiced her frustrations, “boob.” “What?” Jayne asked as he was sharpening his favorite knife in the meal table. River took a seat next to him and leaned against his shoulder. Jayne resumed sharpening his knife stiffly, despite the fact that he had already finished, and asked her, “what do ya want Moonbrain?” “I find your presence comforting,” River explained. “Warm,” she continued and pointed at his skull, “and not too loud.” “Uh… I’m not sure the Doc-“ “Needs love just like everyone else,” River interrupted him. “Listen Crazy, I really don’t think-“ “Such a boob,” River said again and headed towards the bridge. “Uh… whatever.” River was releived to find the bridge empty as she sat at her copilots station and wrapper her arms around her knees. She felt her mind being drawn into the past approximately twelve years ago… “Why I can’t I go? I’m really good at dancing!” six year old River pleaded with her parents and older brother. “Because you’re a baby and Simon needs to spend more time with me as an adult!” Lien responded aggressively. River never liked Lien and couldn’t understand what her brother saw in her. Simon immediately ran to comfort River and said, “It’s okay mei mei, she used to call me a baby too. We can dance some other time.” River did not need to be comforted, but she did enjoy watching Lien roll her eyes in exasperation. As Simon returned to Lien’s side River made obnoxious kissing noises and said, “have fun on your date!” Simon turned red as a strawberry and Lien grabbed his wrist and roughly yanked him out the door. Lien was fifteen years old and had already hit her growth spurt. At only thirteen years, Simon was smaller and powerless to stop her even had he wanted to. “River! Where are your manners?” River’s father admonished. “I’m sorry daddy,” River said as she looked down and drew invisible pictures in the carpet with the tip of her shoe. “Now I expect you to be on your best behavior as Mr. Wu conducts his assessment of your mental facilities and development.” “I bet I can do better than my brother!” River said eagerly, excited at the prospect of beating him in yet another competition.