Secret Agent Tam? Chapter 15
Monday, August 16, 2010

Shortly after the BDM, a pair of strangers who find our BDH's 'uniquely qualified' for job, hired/blackmail them. Freedom in the 'verse may lie in Simon's prowess as an undercover operative. Wait a minute, Simon?


Chapter 15

Kaylee awoke groggily with a throbbing headache. She opened her eyes slowly, expecting to gaze upon her beloved from the bed in the infirmary, but her eyes instead focused on the roof of the engine room and Kaylee began to worry. She closed them in an attempt to recall what series of events led her to the engine room floor and with a headache that made her feel like her skull was in a vice. She cautiously probed her forehead with her fingers and found the soft fabric of a gentleman's shirt tied snuggly around it. Feels like one of Simon's shirts, she mused.

"Simon!," Kaylee gasped, as her eyes snapped open. She rolled onto her stomach and gingerly lifted herself on her hands and knees while she searched the room for Simon. She called out to him, "Simon, are you here? Are you ok?"

"Too much. Too sharp," Simon's voice mumbled from somewhere nearby. Kaylee scanned the area and found him backed into the darkest corner of the engine room rocking back and forth hugging his knees to his chest in a manner disturbingly similar to River.

"Honey," Kaylee called out to him as she attempted to stand. A wave of dizziness crashed over her and she decided crawling to him was a better plan. She reached Simon and wrapped her arms around his quivering form, cradling his head against her breast. "It's okay baby, just tell me what's wrong," Kaylee soothed as she rocked him gently back and forth.

"They aren't mine and I shouldn't have them," he sobbed, "it isn't right."

"Sweetie what's-" Kaylee began before interrupting herself with a gasp. He was wearing the armband drug dispenser she created. He must have used the drug… how long will he… "It's okay sweetie I'm here," Kaylee soothed, trying her best to emulate what she had seen of Simon comforting River in the past, "I'm here and you're safe. We're all gonna be just fine."

"I can- c-c-c-c-c… it's difficult…"

"Shhhh," Kaylee whispered while placing a finger on his lips, "it's okay. You don't gotta to say nothin'. I'll take care o' you. 'Sides," Kaylee said, favoring him with a smile, "Talkin's never been yer strong suit anyways." Kaylee felt a tremendous weight lifting off of her shoulders as Simon's tremors slowly began to subside and his breathing became more regular.

"I suggest ya all get comfortable," the captain's voice came over the ship wide com, "breach's got us all locked in our current locations 'til we make planet fall in four hours."

Kaylee shifted a little in an attempt to find a more comfortable position and felt Simon's pulse quickening. She looked down and found herself staring into the most frightened blue eyes she had ever seen. She gave him a gentle squeeze and her best smile, assuring him, "It's gonna be okay, honey, I ain't goin' nowhere. Ya just gotta hold on till those chemicals leave your system."

"I'm sorry ma'am, but we will not be able to catch them before they reach Londinum, and their lead on us affords them plenty of time to hide their vessel," the Golden Lotus's Captain informed Lien Wu.

"No matter," Lien responded, "the plan is still functional. I will make contact with the good doctor at the Ball and obtain the location of his sister myself. I already have a team on site, they need only a location and my authorization to proceed."

"Those browncoats are a squirrelly bunch. Even their bad luck seems to work against us," the Captain said in exasperation, "If they had not come under attack we would have never lost them."

"Don't worry about the browncoats. We have the numerical and technological advantage, same as you did during the war. They'll get what's coming to them if they stand in our way. As for Simon, let's just say he's never been difficult to manipulate in the past."

"Hmm?" Simon awoke with a start. He opened his eyes and found his world to be a blurry mosaic. His nose and ears identified his location as Serenity's Engine Room and Simon could feel himself swaying slowly, as if in a swing or hammock. He blinked few times and tried in vain to will his vision into focus. "Kaylee?" Simon called nervously, hoping she was in the engine room and could provide him with answers.

A blurry image approached him from his right side. Simon knew to it be Kaylee by the way it made him feel safe and warm. She placed a hand on his forehead and asked him tenderly, "How are you feelin' sweetie?"

"Odd…" Simon began, "and exhausted. I had the strangest dream and now I'm having trouble seeing clearly…" Simon paused as his arms shifted a bit underneath a blanket, "and I think I'm naked."

Kaylee giggled and said, "I think you're right. You've had a rough day an' you were hurtin' so I figured you could use some rest."

"You figured I should be naked as well, I take it?"

"Oh… I might'ave…" Kaylee began mischievously for asking in a worried voice, "you really don't remember?"

Oh no, what did I do and how can I make it right? Simon thought in a panic. Well I guess the first step is to find out how bad it is. "No, bao bei," Simon asked nervously, "was it bad?"

"Yeah," Kaylee said sadly, "It was really bad…"

Could I have possibly made her angry enough to beat me amnesiac? "Kaylee," Simon stammered, "I'm sorry. You've got to believe me, I would never hurt you on purpose. Whatever I said, I didn't mean it!"

"You don't gotta be sorry, Simon, it was my fault we were in this mess to begin with."

It's not my fault? It's not my fault and I can't even remember it, Simon lamented at the unfairness of the 'verse. The shock must have been too much for my brain to handle, Simon thought sarcastically. "Um, okay, what did I not do?" Simon asked uneasily.

"Maybe I should explain…wait, what's the last thing that you remember?"

"Hmm…" Simon began tentatively, "we were being chased by pirates and I followed you into the engine room. Serenity took a hit, you got hurt and I helped you. That's all I remember."

"Oh, well sometime between what you remember and when I woke up, you fixed Serenity up real nice. Not sure I coulda done much better myself. I think Serenity likes ya!"

"Strange, I dreamed I was fixing Serenity, except I was you and… "Simon's voice paused for a moment and then hastily finished, "and it was weird."

Kaylee continued hesitantly, "Well… you took the drug. The one them strangers gave ya an' it had ya in a real mess. I found you curled up and cryin' in the corner an' I was so worried!" Though Simon could not see well enough to confirm this, he was fairly certain Kaylee was close to tears. "I warpped my arms around you and tried be all comfortin' like you do with River. I held you till you fell asleep and then I put you in the hammock so's you could rest."

Perhaps I should be grateful of the fact that I don't remember. "Oh…"Simon said nervously, "Um… and why am I naked? I didn't… soil my clothing did I?" Simon asked with a wince.

"No, sweetie," Kaylee reassured him, "but I'd have taken care of ya just the same." Kaylee continued in a more mischievous tone "after I got ya in the hammock, I saw you was sufferin' from one of the side effects. Now you can see…or rather can't see…that you're sufferin' another of 'em."

"What do you…Oh," was all Simon could manage when Kaylee's hand gently grasped his tower of arousal through the blanket. Simon was suddenly less worried about his blurry vision. In fact, he was suddenly less cognizant of everything not immediately connected to his pulsing member.

"Came back in a hurry too," Kaylee said approvingly.

"Wha-what?" Simon stammered between labored breaths, "You mean… did we…"

"Twice… I'm sorry, Simon, I know you was asleep, but engines make me hot and we're locked in this room together hours from planet fall. I just couldn't help myself."

"I feel violated."

"Let me help you get over that," Kaylee teased playfully.

Simon found he was incapable of argument.

A few hours later, Serenity touched down in a secluded landing pad outside of one of the larger cities on Londinum. River had calmed considerably since they touched down, but she played up her anxiety concerning her brother to the Captain and convinced him into letting her check on Simon and Kaylee in the engine room while Zoe saw to Jayne and Mal checked in on Inara.

River was happy that Simon was finally building a life for himself on their new home out in the black, but she did not entirely approve of how he was doing it. River loved Kaylee as a sister, but she often found the waves of passion emanating from their coupling distracting and slightly disturbing. Despite their relative distance from her in the engine room, she found today's escapades particularly unnerving. She had to give up the helm and ask Zoe to pilot for her as she was buffeted by the residual shockwaves of their passionate explosions in the engine room.

River weathered the first storm patiently and was eager to return to piloting before she paused incredulously as she felt hurricane Kaylee start its cycle all over again. River found the sexual turbulence infuriating and began to wonder if it would ever stop. What I wouldn't do for a smoother, River tiredly thought to herself. Although River's knowledge of sex was purely clinical, she thought it should have ended long before now. 'Correction, I estimate it ended four times already. When will it stay ended?' When the sensual typhoon finally subsided, River collected herself and focused her thoughts on revenge.

River approached the engine room door on silent bare feet, listening as their minds slumbered in tired contentment. She eased the door open cautiously and peered inside. Kaylee lay peacefully sated on top of her lover in her colorful hammock, both of them naked as the day they were born.

"Won't play nice," River taunted sleeping Kaylee as she quietly gathered each article of Kaylee and her brother's clothing. She slipped out of the engine room to deposit them in a hiding place before returning to steal their blanket. She gently tugged at the colorful fabric until the edges were free of the couple's weight and then removed the cover in one swift motion. Kaylee to stirred and mumble something into Simon's chest before falling asleep once more.

River crept out of the engine room with a colorful blanket and an evil laugh. She deposited it with the rest of their clothing and said, "It's about time your sex life made you uncomfortable for a change."

Simon stirred under Kaylee and rolled his head to the side, murmuring, "Good morning, bao bei," half asleep.

Captain Malcolm Reynolds responded, "Well, goodmornin' yerself sweetheart."

"What?" Simon's eyes snapped and revealed to him an angry captain and an amused crew. Simon found himself wishing his vision was still blurry.

Simon frantically reached down to pull up their blanket and gasped as his hand slapped against Kaylee's bare ass instead. Jayne chuckled, Mal drew his sidearm, and Kaylee stirred in Simon's arms and moaned suggestively before asking, "Ya ready for round six?"

Mal made a small choking sound before turning to look at Zoe incredulously, and mouth 'round six?'

Zoe arched an eyebrow and gave him the distinct impression he ought to look for answers elsewhere.

"Um…Kaylee," Simon nervously began.

"Hmm?" Kaylee asked before she opened her eyes with a gasp and realized the entire crew was in the engine room and, with the exception of River and Mal, laughing hysterically. "Oh dear," was all Kaylee her groggy mind could manage before panic caught up with her and her head snapped around to face Simon, painfully crashing into his nose. She asked anxiously, "Simon, where's our blanket?"

Simon clutched his nose and responded nasally, "how should I know?"

"Payback's a bitch, isn't it?" River answered smugly, "Told you I'd get you back!"

Mal regained his composure and began to exert his authority, shouting, "Yall know how I feel 'bout shipboard relationships and yall oughta know I don't care what you do on your time, in your own bunks. But this, "Mal shouted incredulously, "is re-gorram-diculous!"

Simon stammered, "Captain I'm… I'm very sor-"

"Honestly, Three Percent, do I have to spell it out for you? Let's go down the list. Can we rut in the engine room?" Mal asked and then continued with an elongated, "Nooo," while theatrically shaking his head. "Can we rut in our bunks on our own time? Yes," Mal said in the same manner, complimenting his phrasing with an exaggerated head nod.

"Captain, I am not a moron-" Simon began.

"Really?" Mal interrupted, "Cause it seems to me there's an essential element to this concept you just aint graspin'. Namely the one beginning with an 'N' and ending with an 'O', which, uh, by the way spells the word 'no' in case you were wonderin'."

"Mal," Inara struggled to speak between laughs, "take it easy, they're just young and in love."

"Which is a right dangerous combination!" Mal countered angrily, "Now ya can't help bein' young, but you can damn well keep your 'love' in your own gorram rooms!"

"Um, can we get a blanket or something?" Simon asked sheepishly, but his plea was either lost in the laughter or ignored entirely.

"Cap'n it weren't his fault," Kaylee defended Simon, "he was sufferin' side effects from the medicine."


"Or, ya know, some clothes… maybe a robe…" Simon continued

"Remember the reader drugs them strangers gave us?" Kaylee asked. Mal nodded and Kaylee continued, "Remember how they got those side affects?"

"Not all of them. Wait, did he take that drug?" Mal asked apprehensively.

"Yeah, that's how he fixed Serenity and then he started freakin' out for a bit before sufferin' the side effects."

"Which were what precisely?" Mal inquired impatiently.

"The blurred vision and increased libido," Kaylee answered.

After a pregnant pause, Simon broke the silence, pleading, "Honestly, I'd settle for a towel…"

Mal ordered the crew to disperse, instructing everyone to meet in the Galley in half an hour. He followed Inara into her shuttle to speak with her in private.

"Inara," Mal began tentatively, "You don't have to do this. We can find another way."

"I'm going with him Mal," Inara stated firmly. "Simon won't be able to do this on his own and you know it." This was not the first time they've had this discussion and Inara's patience was severely strained. A small part of her greatly appreciated Mal showing genuine concern for her in the only way he knew how. However, a much larger part of her was currently infuriated with the stubborn man.

"We can send Jayne, pretend like they're sly," Mal said with a smirk.

Inara arched one eyebrow, refusing to dignify Mal's comment with a response.

"Right, not the most subtle of approaches… but there's no reason you need-"

"There's every reason!" Inara nearly screamed in frustration. "Things are different in the core and it's where Simon and I-"

"Belong?" Mal interrupted spitefully.

Inara gasped. "How could you say that? It's not-," Inara paused to collect herself and continued calmly, "It's where we're from, but I doubt either of us belong there anymore."

"Yeah? Well I'm not so sure yall really belong here either," Mal spat venomously. "He'd be out there with all the other selfish alliance rich folk if he wasn't a penniless fugitive. And you spend your time whoreing with those types anyway!"

"Then it seems the issue has been resolved, Captain," Inara said coldly. "As you've callously made clear, Simon and I are the only members of the crew that fit right in."

Mal opened his mouth to speak but couldn't form any words. He scowled and shouted, "Shiney!" as he stormed out of her shuttle.

Thirty minutes later a thoroughly embarrassed, but fully clothed, Simon and Kaylee met the rest of the crew in the Galley. Simon had taken to using his new cane for extra support when Kaylee wasn't eagerly providing it in the crutch's stead. Mal and Jayne were standing impatiently while the rest of the crew sat at the table. Simon took a seat gingerly and Kaylee stood behind him with her hands placed possessively on each of Simon's shoulders.

"Just so you know," Mal said in their direction, "You ain't heard the last of this. You," He said, pointing to Simon, "have till the end of this job to convince me not to kill you. I hope for your sake it's somethin' mighty compellin'."

"Can I shoot 'im?" Jayne asked.

"Jayne!" Kaylee said irritably.

"Can I shoot 'im when he gets back?" Jayne amended.

"Maybe," Mal answered, "and don't think you're off the hook Little Miss. No, I'm going to find something special for you to take care of while he's gone. I've always thought Serenity's water reclamation and septic units could be made more efficient. And, woudn't ya know it, we happen to be grounded planetside for a spell with a capable mechanic and an alliance credit line."

River began laughing hysterically.

"I am so gonna get you for this Little Witch," Kaylee said menacingly.

Simon, however, could not be happier as he gazed upon his sister with huge grin. River was his bratty, normal little sister again, if only for the moment. Moments like these were what kept him going. He would gladly take any embarrassment or punishment in stride if it made his little sister happy like this.

"What you smilin' at?" Kaylee asked accusingly as she punched him in the shoulder.

"Ow! Uh… it was just…" Simon began and, thinking quickly, improvised, "you're so amazing."

"Aw… Simon," Kaylee said sweetly as she embraced him from behind.

River made an exaggerated retching sound and Mal cleared his throat impatiently.

"If yer done neckin' we have a job to plan for," Mal said irritably. "First," Mal ordered, "It seems the experimental drug has been tested. I need to know exactly what happened and how it affected you as it could have a considerable effect on my plan."

"Mal," Jayne said, "if it's yer plan I think we're already in trouble."

"Shut it!" Mal barked before turning to face Simon and asked, "Doctor?"

"Do you really need to know?" Simon began turning red.

Zoe spoke gently but forcefully on Mal's behalf, "Simon, remember that little talk we had?"

Simon took a deep breath, squeezed Kaylee's hand for moral support, and explained, "My memories of the effects are incomplete, as I was unconscious for part of the duration. What I do remember is very vague, feeling more like a dream. The drug enhanced my psychic abilities as expected, but it was exceedingly difficult to control. When I finally managed to isolate one voice… or uh… one mind I guess, Kaylee's mind, her thoughts seemed to override my own. I'm not sure how much control I had over myself at that moment. Kaylee was, for all intents and purposes, living vicariously through me."

"Great," Jayne snorted, "so he can lose control and not remember half of it. Good plan."

"If I can get him to tell me what we need to know, I can remember for him," Inara offered.

"Right," Mal said, reluctantly acknowledging her, "Now tell me more about those side effects, Doctor, we need to take them into account as well."

"Well, the blurry vision is certainly an issue," Simon admitted, "I had trouble recognizing Kaylee from three feet away. However I don't think the side effects became an issue until the psychic enhancements wore off."

"Are you sure?" Mal asked, "We can't have these kind of mistakes. And what about the other one, is it gonna be an issue?"

"No, and No I think," Simon answered, "As I said, the memory is hazy but I don't recall having blurry vision while I was, for lack of a better word, channeling Kaylee. However, Kaylee…um… discovered the other symptom while I was still unconscious," Simon said embarrassedly before concluding hastily, "losing myself to another's personality is my primary concern and I have prepared emergency sedatives to be deployed in such an case."

"I don't like it," Mal said, "but I don't see us havin' much a choice. Okay, let's talk contingencies."

"I've identified three abandoned maintenance access ways here, here and here" Zoe said as she pointed to their relative locations on the blueprints, "Before we could get additional personnel in through, their seals would have to be broken. Won't be very quiet."

"So we go through 'em and make a lot of noise, maybe start a fire. Then we can just park Serenity up front and pretend we're like we's paramedics, like on ariel," Jayne suggested.

"Serenity is a Medship Conversion 03-model Firefly," Zoe offered, "it could work, sir."

"It might work, but not for very long," Mal said, "and likely only once. Fireflies ain't been used as medships since the war. We save that option as a last resort."

"The Ball is the least of our worries," Simon stated darkly as he slumped in his chair, "the hard part stealing the prototype. We don't know where it is so we can't plan for it."

"Cheer up, sweetie," Kaylee comforted has she gave Simon's shoulders a reassuring squeeze, "you ain't got to steal it all on your own."

"I don't?" Simon asked in confusion.

"Ya don't," Mal confirmed, "Just get me a location and you can leave the stealin' to us petty thieves. 'Til we get a location our job is to be invisible and mobile."

"I can go with Simon and Inara to the hotel," Kaylee offered, "set up a lil' command post and relay info so's they ain't got to risk exposure at the fancy shindig."

"She just doesn't want septic duty," River accused.

"Also, they may need help with all them fancy spy gadgets," Kaylee said, eagerly building her case.

"Mei mei," Mal said sympathetically, "I know you want to see that fancy party but we can't risk that kind of exposure."

"We could take her to our room, as our maidservant," Simon offered tentatively, "My parents took staff with them to these kind of events all the time and the help was never closely scrutinized. She would not look nearly as out of place as she would at the-" Simon cut himself off with a wince, silently cursing his word choices.

Kaylee abruptly released Simon and asked pointedly, "At the what Simon?"

"At… what I mean is…"

"Am I even pretty enough? Am I too fat?"

"Well I think so-"

"You think I'm too fat?"

"I…wha?" Simon stammered.

"It's okay, my brother likes bigger girls," River offered.

"Not helping River…" Simon said threateningly.

"Five platinum says Simon sleeps on the fancy hotel couch tonight," Mal challenged Zoe, Simon and Kaylee's spat making him feel oddly cheerful.

Zoe studied the young couple's argument for a moment before turning to Mal and wagering, "fifteen says their ruttin' before midnight."

"You're on," Mal answers before turning his attention back towards the argument.

"Ya got no reason bein' so proud o' yer sophistication," Kaylee spat acidly, "I seen you out in the Rim and you're helpless!"

Simon shoulders slumped, defeated as he said, "Kaylee I'm sorry… I really didn't mean…"

"Dammit," Mal muttered as he fished inside his pocket and pulled out fifteen platinum.

"What ya payin' up fer?" Jayne asked, "Look's to me she's hatin' him pretty good."

"Yeah an' then she had to go and hurt his feelings," Mal complained.

"So what?" Jayne retorted.

"Simon's gonna leave this room like a wounded puppy dog," Zoe answered, "he'll think he's hiding it but she'll see it. How long have you known our lil' Kaylee to leave alone anyone who's sufferin'?"

"You knew this was going to happen," Mal accused.

"I've been married," Zoe explained with the ghost of a smile, "ya begin to recognize the patterns."



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