BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL

MARVELFAN234

The new passenger Part 1.
Thursday, August 2, 2012

They are needin' some extra money and have room for a temporary passenger since Book left.


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 3670    RATING: 8    SERIES: FIREFLY

The story begins about 3 months after Serenity(movie). It is a hard time for the crew. Zoe is just completely crushed about Wash.They are needing extra money and have room for a temporary passenger since Book left the ship,also Inara has a client on Pesephone.As Serenity flies out from the clouds you see Inara's Shuttle fly away in the sky.

"Okay River , start the landing sequence",Mal says to river as he is standing beside her chair.

River says "yes sir" and begins the landing sequence.

Slowly Serenity lands in the Eavesdown docks. River looks up at Mal and smiles proudly. Mal smiles back and then turns around into the hall.

" COME ON JAYNE", Mal yells out to Jayne who is in his bunks trying to decide which gun to bring.

Zoe walks up to Mal "Ready, sir, She asks him with a strait face. "You gonna be ready" Mal says concerned if she can handle it.

" Were just finding a passenger, sir." Zoe says confidant she can handle the job.

Jayne comes out of his bunk with Vira. " Ready, Mal".

"Okay, Lets go",Mal says eager to make some money.

They walk out of the cargo bay scoping out the croud for people with bags.

"Jayne, you go get the supplies Kaylee needs, Me and Zoe will find someone",Mal says with a serious tone in his voice.

"Yes, sir". Jayne responded sarcastically as he rolls his eyes. Luckily for him Mal didn't see.

Mal hands him a huge list full of parts he never heard of.

"What, how do I find this crap Mal", Jayne says with a whinny voice and a mad look on his face.

"Not my problem" Mal says as he starts walking into the croud.Mal is having to dodge people as he is walking threw the crowd.

Mal talks to people for about 45 minutes 'til he finds someone he can agree on a price with (and isn't a purplebelly). The man is about 6'4,with short, brown hair; pretty ugly looking( then again I'm a dude so every man is ugly to me). The man looks like he could pick Mal up and throw him ten feet.His clothes are a old dirty white Blue-sun t-shirt, old ratty pants and a crappy pair of work boots.Where

On the way back Mal asks what his name is and he reply's "James Dunn". They are having to talk loud since they are in the middle of the crowd.

James then says,"I've had a little trouble with the Aliance before". James' voice is quiet now so Mal is the only one who here's what he is saying.

"What kind of trouble" Mal reply's with a look of worry and curiousity. Mal's voice is quiet now also.

"I sorta shot a fed",James says with a scared look on his face,but there is also a little pride in there to.

"Sorta",Mal says sarcastically.

"Yeah" James replied nervously with the same look he had.

"Well, the Gorram Alliance probibly won't miss him anyway ", Mal adds.That face James had went away and was replaced with a smile.

"So, where am I taking you" Mal says trying to change the subject.

"Bellerophon" James says.

"Why Bellerophon, that's a hard planet for a hunted man to hide. ",Mal asks, with a puzzled look on his face.

" I'd rather not say"James says, sorta mad as he says it."

"I can respect that" Mal adds.

They get back to the ship the same time as the others.Mal tells River that their going to Bellerophon and she runs to the bridge to take off.

James sees Zoe and walks up to her. Zoe sees him coming and she starts to a smile of anger.

James then asks"You taken",trying to be all sly and cool.

She smiles in a look of anger and unbelief that he would ask that.Then that smile turn into a skoal.

Mal sees and tells her" No Zoe". but she knees James in the balls.Mal goes"ohhh" and has a face of disgust.

Zoe walks away just as Mal say's "Let me show you your cabin", hoping that James still wants a ride.

James nods his head and James follows Mal.

"Well, here she is",Mal says as he puts his hand on the wall proud of the room just like the rest of Serenity.

"You will meet everyone at dinner tonight," Mal says with an inviting voice.

"Thanks" James says as he walks in the room.

"I won't have to worry 'bout you will I", Mal asks with a serious tone.Mal's face is also serious.

"No sir" James replies.

Mal reply's with a fast "Good" and leaves.

"I ain't the one you gotta worry about",James says with sinister voice, smiling as he says. it.

COMMENTS

Thursday, August 2, 2012 3:25 PM

BYTEMITE


The last line is a good segue to the next chapter. Foreshadowing!

That said, while this is a start, there's two things I'd recommend. First is, you should separate out different paragraphs. It's hard to read a big block of text like that, the eyes get a little lost.

And the second thing is, this isn't really a finished chapter. This is more of an outline. When you're writing you really hafta dive into a scene, inhabit it, delve, explore, and linger. Don't back away from getting below the surface of the characters and their conversations, the expressions of the people, their motivations and how they feel. Your writing is what brings Firefly back and keeps it alive. Use your words to help them breathe.

Welcome to the verse.

Saturday, August 4, 2012 5:12 AM

AMDOBELL


This reads more like someone telling you the short version of what Chapter 1 will be about, it doesn't read like an actual chapter. As for DUNN, I am kind of surprised Mal still let him on the ship after that little run in with Zoe. Man smells of trouble from start to finish. Better stop now before my feedback gets longer than your first chapter. Ali D :~)
"You can't take the sky from me!"

Monday, August 6, 2012 9:33 AM

BYTEMITE


Oh my gosh yes. There we go. :)

Monday, August 6, 2012 9:38 AM

BYTEMITE


Also this explains a little about why Mal is still willing to take the guy on even after Zoe knees him like that. It's because Zoe was kind of out of line.

Now we have a good lead up into introducing your new character. And you still have that nice bit of foreshadowing at the end.


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The new passenger Part 1.
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