Didn't know I had a muse til Leaves on the Wind didn't get to how Mal and Inara got together, now she's up in arms and writing fan fiction to put that right. *Adult content warning*

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She’d done everything she could to win his trust but still he was keeping his distance.

So much had changed but not that. She’d told him straight up when she’d first come on board the time she was looking round the shuttle, that she’d never service him nor his crew. Never mind the crew – she’d really meant him. When he’d taken to bed with Nandi and she’d sobbed her heart out about it she’d remembered that promise. It was the right thing to do at the time but how was she to know she’d fall in love with him. Perhaps the sexual tension that had flared up between them the instant she’d said it should have been a clue. But she was used to men wanting her and at the time she’d thought that was all that was going on. Kidding herself just like she always did with him.

Like he’d ever have asked her to service him. She’d said it for business reasons sure, but also to rile him, show him who was boss. But it hadn’t taken her long to find out how upright and principled he was aside from the thieving and violence. And how much he despised Companions. Which was one of the reasons it’d hurt so much when he’d bedded Nandi. How come he made an exception for her? That was easy to answer of course, because he and Nandi were alike, reckless and free.

It still made her angry to remember how he’d made that speech about wanting to get closer to her, the very next day after he’d been with Nandi and Nandi was barely cold in her grave. Like it had taken that to realize he had feelings for her.

He’d never known himself but he knew what he loved: Serenity, freedom, the crew. And with Book, Wash, and now Jayne gone, that love was breaking his heart. She’d painted that symbol on the side of the beautiful ship like she could build her up from the outside in and he’d appreciated it. She’d helped in every way she could. Cooking, cleaning, fixing things. She’d slept with Zoe right next to her where Wash used to be, every night until the pregnancy made Zoe want the whole bed to herself. And she’d tried to use all her Companion training to work out what it was that he wanted or needed.

What it came down to was did he want her? Even before she got her marching orders from The Guild she’d known she couldn’t leave. She was crew too and to lose another member might just kill him. But was that all she was? – a crew member? And if she was what kind of crew member was she? Not a pilot, not an engineer, not a medic, not his right arm.

Not a Companion any more either. It wouldn’t have helped them where they were now, on the run from the Alliance, scratching a living in the dust. But she thought it might have helped them - her and Mal. It had always come between them. They’d kept it there whenever they’d got too close to each other. Now that barrier was gone but still he was keeping his distance.

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She’d sold just about everything from her Companion days, the ones she’d left when she went to Sheydra’s training house. He’d protested about her selling silks and jewellery for a pot of beans and that had made her angry, what a hypocrite he was because he’d always mocked and scorned her for them when she had them. After the crew had eaten that feast he’d come to apologize, not sure what he was apologizing for. And she’d told him she didn’t have a thing left, no perfume, no trinkets, no kohls to line her eyes and that he should be satisfied.

But she had kept something, this beautiful silk robe she was wearing wrapped tightly around her now lying on the bed in her shuttle. It was as bare as the rest of Serenity, as bare as Mal’s bunk. It was cold. There was no money to heat the ship and the bed was piled with blankets. She was warm with the blankets pulled up to her chin, dozing and thinking about him.

She heard a knock. It was him.

“’s not your fault there weren’t enough to go round,” he said, rubbing a hand over his face. “’n I don’t believe you ain’t hungry.”

“I’m not hungry,” she said.

“Leastways with Jayne gone we ain’t got to listen to him bellyachin’ about grit in his bread.”

“As long as Zoe’s got enough to eat.”

“Well. I kept some back for you.” He approached the bed, pulling something out of his pocket. It was bread wrapped in a paper wrapper. He held it out to her.

“That must be yours,” she said without moving.

“ I ain’t gonna argue with you,” he said. “Just take it. You look pale.”

“You won’t persuade me with your fancy Rim manners Captain,” she said with a smile.

“You’re crew. Gotta look after my crew,” he said, looking away.

“But you can’t make me take it,” she said, playfully pulling her head down so that the blankets came up to her nose, hoping that humor would get rid of him.

“Bet if I stripped them blankets off I could make you do anything,” he said.

I can live better without food than I can without warmth came into her head but thank the gods she didn’t say it. She put out her hand to take the bread, she had to.

“We can share it,” she said, wriggling up.

He sat on the edge of the bed and it was better than the grandest banquet she’d ever been to sitting in the shuttle eating stale, gritty bread with Mal.

“Sure tastes good,” he said.

“It’s the way I cut it.” She held up her pinky as she put a crumb into her mouth, making fun of herself and how she used to be. He laughed. “It’s good to see you laugh,” she said.

“’s good to see the old Inara,” he said. “You can take the Companion out of the Core but you can’t take the Core out of the Companion.”

Her face fell, she couldn’t help it. She was hurt and angry all over again, just like it used to be. She held herself in determined not to retaliate but still she could feel herself seethe and if he kept on she didn’t know what she’d say. She looked away from him.

“Gorram it, I’m sorry Inara,” he muttered and he sounded like he meant it so she looked at him again. “Didn’t mean it to sound like that.”

She shook her head. “It’s okay. I guess you meant it as a joke.”

“Only there ain’t much funny in it. Way they treated you.”

Inara looked down. They hadn’t talked about it, she’d let him know she’d been decommissioned because it meant something for their income and her place on Serenity but he hadn’t said much at the time.

“I thought you’d be pleased,” she whispered still looking down.

He sort of shrugged. “Well. I admit… Well. Probably best I don’t say. Might come out the way I don’t mean it.” There was a silence. “You’re a proper member of the crew now.” He smiled. “An outcast. And a fugitive.”

That made her angry again even though he sounded affectionate in a captainy way and even tender. “Like I’m good enough for you now? And I wasn’t before?”

It sounded like she meant ‘you’ as in him, not as in the crew, but she didn’t care. She could see she’d stung him but he seemed to make an effort not to retaliate.

“We need you, ‘Nara,” he said in the end. “We need you Companion or not, it's all the same.”

She wanted to say it too, that she needed them, that she needed him even but she didn’t need him, she loved him. “You don’t need me, Mal,” she said. “Wasn’t talking about me” –

“And I don’t need you. Needing is not what keeps me here.”

He looked at her and he saw what was shining in her eyes. She could see he wanted to look away, to pull away like all those times in the past before she’d known she loved him or he’d known he loved her but now she wouldn’t let him. She wouldn’t let him look away. She held his gaze and she could see his struggle thinking was she using her wiles on him. That made her remember what he’d just said about her still being a Companion and still a part of the Core and she wavered. He felt it and made to stand up but she couldn’t bear for him to pull away again so she reached out to him. He turned and she looked up at him saying, “But I do need you. I do need you. Mal.”

She’d almost whispered his name and maybe it was that made him sink back on to the edge of the bed and sink towards her and into her kiss.

It started quite soft, savouring each other’s lips but soon their mouths were open and they were rushing to entwine their tongues. He was taking handfuls of her hair and murmuring her name and she sat up letting the blankets drop so that she could get closer to him, his skin so warm under his shirt and the hair on the back of his head so thick and soft.

But then he pulled away again and at first she felt that she had to go with it, if that was what he wanted and she wondered if it was her training making her do that when she wanted him so much. A Companion would let a client go but a woman would make her lover stay. The thought that he was so close at last to being her lover enflamed her and she drew up her legs to push the blankets back with her feet. She turned towards him still with her feet drawn up and leant back on her hands, letting her legs drop open slightly and the robe slip from her shoulders. He swallowed as his eyes roamed over her naked breasts, down between her legs and back up to her face. She felt powerful and nervous at the same time, his erection showed the effect she was having on him but their history made her fear going too far. Suddenly she wished that he would do something, she’d made her desire for him obvious and now he had to do the same. Without closing her robe she moved away from him, sitting in a position where he could still see her breasts and between her legs, and looked at him in a challenging way.

“My turn now, is it?” he whispered.

He stood up and started to undress removing suspenders, shirt, boots and pants until he stood before her in just his shorts and socks. She let her eyes linger over his erection as they swept over his chest and up and down legs. She was full of joy that he had understood her, it felt like the barrier had gone at last. He removed his shorts and came towards her on the bed, untying the front of her robe and letting his hands graze her nipples and between her legs as he kissed her throat and her lips, while she did the same.

“Are you using your wiles on me Captain?” she whispered playfully.

“I sincerely hope so,” he replied moving over and onto her as he lowered her back on to the bed.