Author: Shealynn Rating: PG Disclaimer: no characters belong to me, glory be and the Joss be praised, thanks for lettin’ me play. Email: shealynn88@hotmail.com Summary: A day in the life of River Tam.

Serenity 1. a state of calm. To be without worry, stress or disturbance. From the 15th century latin word “serenus,” meaning clear or calm. 2. Name given by one Captain Reynolds to his Firefly class cargo vessel. 3. Name of a valley on Hera which was the site of a pivotal battle in the Unification War.

In her more linear moments, River liked to contemplate the word, serenity. It had special meaning for her. She longed to know the calm of the first definition, which had been impossible now for so long. People always talking, whispering, coloring her thoughts and crowding her out of her own head. Sometimes she thought she’d experienced it once, perhaps, a long, long time ago. It was so hard to remember a time before the chaos. But the second definition, that was easy to remember. The ship, her home, where she ate and slept and listened and tried so hard keep her thoughts inside. In a way, it was the most calming definition she had, because she knew it, understood it in a purely physical way. It was there whether she thought about it or not, and somehow, that was reassuring.

It was the third definition that gave her the most trouble, in a round about way. She knew it was the namesake of her home, a valley of war named after peace and then given to a ship that signified freedom. She understood that, and the many layers of pain that thought gave the Captain. He was grey again, today, thinking about it. Luckily he was rooms away, and she could think around that looming storm of despair and desperation. Sometimes, when he was close to her, he’d feel that way, and she couldn’t help it—it led her backward, like Ariadne forced to retrace her string, forced to track back through the Labyrinth, back to the blue hands and the dark thoughts and the sinister blue-grey clouds, and then she’d scream, and scream, and the Captain would be so angry… He never understood, he’d brought it on himself. She’d tried to explain, of course, but things got so crowded and confused in her head, sometimes she didn’t know where she started and the rest of them began.

River could feel her brother coming. He shifted colors at the edge of her conciousness, white and yellow and then a hint of green as he thought of Kaylee, then swirling with blue and black as he thought of River. It seemed so ironic that it was hardest to be with her brother when he was thinking of her. All that darkness in him, and she couldn’t block it out, couldn’t stop that thrill of fear and anger and helplessness that the sight of her sparked in him. It was so much better when he thought of Kaylee. The crazy mix of embarrassment, confusion, lust, and true affection made for a beautiful kalidescope, always moving, always turning, never resolving into one color, one emotion. It made River laugh to think that the brilliant doctor couldn’t see how very foolish he was being.

River’s laughter turned to a grimace as Simon turned the last corner and all thoughts of Kaylee fled. Now it was all business, all hopelessness, failing…all dark and grim. He came over to sit next to her and she couldn’t help but shy away. “No!” she demanded, fighting the harshness of his guilt. “Go ‘way!” she told him as he leaned over her.

“Mei mei,” he said softly, the despair only getting louder, darker as he gathered her in his arms. “Please, please stop!”

Mei mei, my sister, love, how could I have let this happen? How could I have waited? I’m so sorry, so very, very sorry…

It was so thick, so dark all around her! She could feel it seeping into her skin, rushing in her veins…sorry, sorry… “No!” she cried, “No! Skin burns away! Don’t touch! Don’t think! She drowns, drowns in sorry!” She fought him in her mind, weeping with the effort. “Wendy,” she called out, remembering a story from her childhood, “Learn to fly! Fly away!” At last she found the strength to push away and she ran as fast as she could into the maze of corridors she called home. In search, again, of serenity, she fled to the cargo hold and tucked herself into the corner, behind the boxes and empty fuel drums, into a tiny corner, as far from the misery as possible. “I’m me,” she told herself firmly in a sing-song voice. “River Tam. River Tam. I’m River Tam. Happy thoughts. I can fly with dust and stars! I can fly away. I’m River, River Tam. I’m me.”

Things quieted around her, and she could feel the ship, always cool. Serenity, never shifting, always constant. Like a ground, to stand on, to keep her solid, so she didn’t float away, or become someone else. “I’m River Tam.”

She couldn’t help but see the crew. Far, far away, in her own little corner, a little creamy dot on the radar, warm, so warm. So long as the cloudy Captain stayed away, the Companion was like a lantern.

Little boy, alone in his bunk, waiting for something…River tried so hard to keep her distance. He was cruel sometimes, dark and dangerous thoughts, blue and red, and his lips would get tight when he saw her, and he’d talk to the Captain in hushed tones, as if she couldn’t hear hateful words, as if her ears belonged to someone else. But what she really avoided now were the white thoughts, made her blush. Once caught glimpses of flesh in his head and a single minded hunger that was nothing like the softness of the Companion’s need. Little boy. Didn’t know what the world was about, but thought he knew everything. Dangerous. Tried so hard not to lose her skin around him…how he burned!

Everyone was warm today. Simon and Kaylee danced secretly, talking about her, River, but really about themselves, trading words like steps, forward and back, now turn…River loved to dance, and to watch them helped clear her head, make things a little less overwhelming. If only she could dance with someone, trade thoughts like steps and know what belonged to her…she hoped the shots might bring that, with their little kisses of pain and pressure. Sometimes, there were hours afterward that she felt more like River, as if she had a skin again, to wear between her and the world.

River closed her eyes and crept out of the hole she’d found, feeling rather like a person for a moment. For once, with everyone else tied up with other things and other thoughts, she was able to push them all away, and just be her. The music began softly, her own creation, and she knew that it was hers, and it came from her lips, and she’d made it from those tiny shapes and bars that others thought of as music. She could see it in her head, springing to life as she hummed it, little glyphs falling into existence like raindrops, only because she thought them. Slowly, she began swaying to it, then leaping and turning to it, enjoying it because it belonged to her. She skipped around the cargo bay, dancing with the crates like partners, weaving between them as they raised their hands to let her pass. It became more and more frantic, then suddenly slowed as she returned to the refrain, drawing it in the dust like a secret language, a celebration of self. A low voice joined her humming, a counterpoint to her wordless melody, and she ignored it for a long moment, waiting cautiously for her skin to burn away. The sensation never came, the words, whispered in her head, were remarkably absent, and so she turned toward the extra voice, eyes still closed, and grabbed the disembodied hands, thick and calloused, connected to the low voice that joined her. At long last, she opened her eyes, and found the preacher in front of her, smiling as she danced around him. He stepped dexterously around her, unable to keep up with her speed, but easily stepping out of the way, and joining her in slow moments, all the while humming along with her, adding to the music that was in her soul. Another voice joined theirs as they started over again, a tenor to accent the preacher’s baritone, and River looked up to the walkway to see her brother, looking down at her with true joy in his face. He smiled at her and she smiled back, seeing Kaylee behind him. “I can fly!” River yelled, breaking the song for a moment as she pirouetted away from the preacher’s hands and sprung up a pile of crates. She leapt from them, turning in the air and landing perfectly at the preacher’s side. He took her proffered hands deftly and turned her like a ballerina in a box, releasing her into another frenzied dance as more voices joined the song, and the rest of the crew arrived in the cargo bay. River could feel them, their mouths opening into their souls until all she could see was the light, shining from each of them, even those that only watched in amazement. For once, just once, the light didn’t burn away her skin, it only warmed her, growing with her song, until it was all blurred movement and beautiful light, and River, River Tam, dancing with the crew of Serenity.

The End