Disclaimer: These characters belong to the unequalled Joss Whedon. If this story works, it is because of his genius, not mine. And if the series had continued, I wouldn't have felt the need to write it.

“So, what d'ya think?” Mal asked, twisting this way and that, concentrating on trying to get a better reflection of himself on the blade of the meat cleaver he held in his hand.

“Of what, sir?” Zoe asked patiently.

“Of the pants, Zoe,” he enunciated slowly as if talking to a particularly simple child.

“They're just pants, sir,” she replied with a small shrug.

“So, you got no opinion of them, at all?” he asked, running his hands over the seat of his new breeches and halfway down the back of his thighs.”Care to pass an opinion as to their fit? As my second in command?”

Zoe looked him steadily in the eye, maintaining a serious expression. “Think they may be too small, sir,” she finally offered.”In the ...too small all over.”

Mal let out an exasperated breath. “They're supposed to be...snug...Zoe. Don't you know anything about style?”

“Not really my area of expertise, sir.” She turned calmly and left the mess just as Simon entered with uncharacteristic haste.

Mal attempted a nonchalant catwalk across the room to the coffee jug. ”Hey, doctor,” he said over his shoulder.”How you doin'?”

Simon froze and stared at him hard, suspecting some sort of trick. “Fine. Needed a glass of drinking water for my patient...” he was saying carefully when the exaggerated swagger Mal had adopted to walk back across the room brought him up short. “And how are you, Captain?” For a horrible moment he feared Mal might be trying to get him to look at his ass.

“Oh, I'm just dandy,” Mal replied, smiling broadly. ”Dandy!” he repeated, chuckling at his own joke.

Simon was bewildered and a little intimidated. He preferred Mal to be predictably gruff. All this smiling and laughing was making him uneasy.“Glad to hear it. Uh, Captain?”

Mal spun round, his eyes alight with the anticipation of a compliment. After all, here was a man who knew about clothes. Hadn't been able to bring much of a wardrobe with him when he joined Serenity, but the clothes he did have were certainly expensive-looking enough.

“Does your back hurt at all?”Simon asked solicitously.”You seem to be moving...strangely.”

Mal answered him with one of his blackest scowls.”Nothin' wrong with me boy. Better get back to your patient. I ain't paying you for you to be askin' after my health.”

Simon avoided pointing out that, actually, that was exactly was he paid him for, and gratefully made his exit, wondering if the stress of command was affecting the Captain's sanity.

Feeling a bit deflated, Mal flopped down into a chair and took a swig of the sludge that passed for coffee on his boat. It had obviously been a mistake to expect a married woman and a boy who was not as sly as he appeared to admire his new purchase.

Voices – talking, laughing – were coming down the corridor. Inara and Kaylee appeared through the doorway, deep in conversation. Mal waited until they'd spotted him sitting there before rising to his feet and bowing formally. “Ladies.”

Inara raised a perfectly groomed eyebrow and quickly appraised the situation. “Why, Mal,” she exclaimed. “Have you been taking lessons in etiquette? I never expected to see you stand when a lady entered a room.”

She glanced quickly at Kaylee who was staring at Mal's new trousers as though they were spun from pure gold. She caught Kaylee's eye and winked conspiratorially.

Mal's eyes slid rapidly from one to the other. But their open smiles reassured him. He decided to fall back into their comfortable old pattern. “That's because you've never entered with a lady before.” He gave another exaggerated bow in Kaylee's direction so that Inara would get a real good view of the new pants.

“Captain,” Kaylee piped up, responding to Inara's look, “ You know about breaches....”

Mal puffed out his chest expectantly.

“Potential hull breaches.”

Despite her Companion's training, Inara was struggling not to laugh. She went to the food counter and busied herself preparing something.

Mal scrutinized Kaylee's innocent face. Didn't want to make a fool of himself by accusing her unjustly. “What about them, Kaylee?”

“Oh, nothin'. It's just that sometimes they can get you in a tight...”Unable to finish the sentence, she began to shake with suppressed giggles.

Right! That was enough! His authority was being undermined. “Kaywinnit Lee Frye..” he said slowly, laying on the menace.

“Oh Mal!” Inara broke the tension. “Your butt...ered toast”. She handed a plate to him, opening her eyes innocently wide.”A rare treat out here in the black.”

Mal's glower told her they'd gone too far. She didn't even need to hear his “I'm sure you've got things to attend to in your shuttle” to know it was time to leave. She grabbed Kaylee's hand and pulled her out of the room.

Jayne entered, carrying what looked like a shiny new gun. He grunted a greeting in Mal's direction and headed straight for the counter to grab a bowl of protein. Returning to the table, shovelling food into his mouth as he went, he dropped into a chair and threw the weapon onto the table.

“Nice gun,” Mal remarked, a little sulkily.

“Yeah,” Jayne spluttered through mouthfuls.”Nice pants.”

Mal stood up and snapped his suspenders. “They're just pants, Jayne,” he said, heading off to his bunk and whistling softly.