“Stay” – EPILOGUE

Usual disclaimers and acknowledgements.

“They’re not coming, sir. Everybody dies alone. I’m a mean old man. A gust of warm air pushes through the cargo doors as they slide open. Is this what you meant by ambush? You want me—You want me on your ship. Tell me where the goods are at, so I can shoot ya. Just when I think that I have you figured out. Her hand makes a loud slapping noise when it connects against his cheek. Don’t you dare speak to me! These are not times for extraordinary men. Serenity feels cold, lonely and empty. Four per shuttle, Nara, four. The strident sound of gunfire rings in his ears—a single shot. Mal! Mal, stay with me, Mal!

Darkness…

*********************************

One week later, engine room – Serenity

The glow of the turning engine was all Kaylee had been staring at for the past three hours. Lost in thought, she couldn’t get the events that had taken place during the dreadful cruise out of her mind. Her heart caught in her throat as she remembered their last hours on The Majestic.

Shaking her head to clear it, tears welled once again in the corner of her eyes, and the now familiar tightening of her chest returned. She shifted in the hammock, trying to find a more comfortable position on her side, and let out a shaky sigh.

“Kaylee?”

Simon’s voice came from the doorway, but she did not bother to look up or even acknowledge him. Cautiously stepping inside the engine room, Simon walked over to the corner where she lay on the hammock and offered her a cold drink.

“You should at least drink something. You haven’t had any food or drink since…”

“Not thirsty” was her stoic reply.

He stood in front of her, glass in hand, but dared not push further. Instead, he opted to lean against the engine shell and observed her. Her eyes were puffy, her lips were dried and chapped from partial dehydration, and her face was taut and haunted.

“I know you blame yourself” he finally said, his voice even.

She raised her head to look at him at that point. Her eyebrows drew together in a quizzical, resentful frown, asking him without words how he could possibly know how she felt.

“Jayne said…” he began, breaking eye contact and looking at the floor.

He felt uncomfortable. Nothing he could do or say could make her feel better and he knew it.

“I just wanted you to know, I’m here for you” he continued softly, looking up at her as he knelt in front of the hammock.

She nodded and tried to give him a reassuring smile that turned into an awkward smirk.

“I’ll take it from here, Doc.”

Jayne leaned against the door frame, arms folded across his chest.

Simon was about to say something, but thought better of it and stood up slowly. He gave the other man a curt nod and squeezed Kaylee’s hand briefly before strolling out of the engine room past the mercenary’s tall frame.

Jayne walked over to Kaylee, towering over her. His expression was hidden by the shadows of the dim lit room, but his firm stance told her he was expecting something from her.

She kept ignoring him, swinging lazily in the hammock, refusing to utter a word. Eventually, Jayne grabbed the sturdy fabric and brought it to a halt.

“You gonna tell me why you’ve been stuck in this place ever since we boarded?”

“I’m Serenity’s mechanic” she shrugged tiredly.

“Since when do mechanics spend their days sulkin’ round engine rooms?” he pointed sarcastically. “You gotta snap outta of it, girl. Now.”

Kaylee stared up at him, her indifference tainted with a flicker of anger.

How could he tell her to snap out of it just like that?

She opened her mouth to say something but could not bring herself to say it.

“What?” Jayne snarled.

“I let him down again” she spat angrily, raising her voice.

The fury that flashed briefly across her eyes was quickly replaced by intense pain. She covered her face with her hands to prevent Jayne from seeing the fresh tears that she could no longer hold back. Silently she started sobbing again, her shoulders shaking convulsively.

Jayne knelt down on one knee in front of her and grabbed her hands by her wrists pulling them away from her face.

“You stop that now, girl! Stop it!” he hissed between clenched teeth.

“I-I should’ve been there sooner” she mumbled frantically. “If I did, he’d… He wouldn’t be…” she swallowed hard, trying to catch her breath. “I couldn’t even pull the trigger.”

Jayne regarded her, his expression softening. He ran a hand gently through her uncombed hair.

“Mal would be proud of you. I’m gorram proud of you” he told her warmly.

Her eyes kept looking at him, unseeing.

****************************************

Fire… Oh, right. Fire! Burning, scorching in its intensity. A very special level of Hell. Don’t take his offer. I don’t much like people that kill me, not in general. Floating—the chandelier just hovered above his head. You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! I didn’t mean petty. You wanna meet the real me now? Pain. A sea of red. I ain’t looking for anything from you—I’m just feeling kind of truthsome right now. If anything in that exhibit room turns out missing, I’ll report you to the authorities myself. When you die, I can’t hurt you any more.

Staring into the abyss, nothing mattered anymore.

*****************************************

“Wash, prep the ship for extended docking” Zoe commanded stepping into the dining area of Serenity. “We won’t be taking off planet just yet.”

The pilot turned his head and regarded his wife with sad, worried eyes. The rest of the crew except for Kaylee was scattered around the table, but none of them uttered a word. They all stopped talking the moment Zoe came through the door, their expressions were openly concerned.

In silence, Wash rose from his chair, allowing her to take his place on the table and squeezing her shoulder lovingly before heading to the helm.

“Falling” River muttered, breaking the silence.

Everybody turned to her, but she did not acknowledge her brother’s arm on her back, or Jayne’s dismissive scowl.

“Empty darkness. There is no net, just loneliness in the black.”

“River…” Simon began.

“It stares back” she whispered, looking at Simon with wide eyes.

Jayne opened his mouth to say something, but thought better of it and just gave the girl a dirty look.

Book shot Jayne a warning glance making the taller man roll his eyes with a smirk of resignation. The Shepherd curled his fingers around the old Bible and stood up. Looking at Zoe, he said, “Would it be ok…? I suppose the Captain wouldn’t mind me just saying a prayer in his behalf.”

Zoe nodded slowly at him, her face solemn.

*****************************************

Kaylee stood looking into infirmary from above, watching the preacher as he prayed over Mal’s still form. It had taken all her courage to approach the window, and too exhausted to feel anything anymore, she pressed her hands against the cold glass.

The infirmary seemed cold. A pungent smell of drugs lingered in the air and reached her nostrils, making her stomach turn in apprehension. The blue light, giving everything a ghostly hue, shone faintly on the Captain’s pale face.

She just stood there, and watched Shepherd Book leave the infirmary. He went past Zoe on his way out when she stepped into the quiet room. Kaylee did not move, just silently observed the first mate shed a silent tear by the Captain’s side.

She remained glued to the window—numb.

********************************************

Let go of me! - I already have. The skin around her wrist is soft against his calloused hand. Why would I want to leave Serenity? Don’t you ever tell me what to do on my ship! Seven judging eyes staring at him—judging, waiting… I’m leaving. That’s the last time you get to call me whore. If anything in that exhibit room turns out missing, I’ll report you to the authorities myself. Things do seem to get complicated, don’t they, sir? Sir … “

“…sir, can you hear me?”

Mal opened his eyes to see Zoe’s face hovering over his. He blinked a couple of times to bring her into focus. Zoe’s full lips curved into a smile as she reached for the intercom to page Simon.

“Hey” she greeted softly, seating down by his side.

He nodded his head almost imperceptibly, trying to return the smile but unable to command his lips to curve upward.

“You really scared us this time, sir.”

“Clo… Close c-call, huh” he struggled to say, making an effort to catch his breath.

His voice was raspy and he stared at her intently through thick lashes. His eyelids were heavy and the faint light of Serenity’s infirmary was bothering his eyes, making them feel gritty.

“W-we in the black?” he asked weakly, clearing his throat.

Zoe shook her head, “We’re still waiting to re-fuel. You were just released from the hospital yesterday and we weren’t sure…” she broke off.

He met her eyes, understanding the reason for her concern.

“Funeral costs are more’n outrageous these days” he joked, giving her a reassuring half smile.

“Good news is” she continued, returning his smile, “It seems like you’ll live to tell us how a luxury cruise vacation is like.”

“Highly overrated” he said drowsily, closing his eyes.

“Then it’s a good thing that you’re getting your money back for the cruise courtesy of The Majestic. Inara’s wave mentioned it’s the least they could do after all the trouble…”

“Inara!” he weakly struggled to get up, his eyes flashing open, and grimaced at the intense pain that cursed through his body forcing him to lay back down with a growl.

“Be careful, sir” Zoe said frowning, placing a hand on his shoulder to keep him down.

“D-did she stay on the ship? Is she ok?” he choked, breathing hard from the exertion.

“Try not to move too much” Simon ordered with his usual clinical detachment as he quickly walked into the infirmary, frowning when he saw the monitors going wild.

“She was shot” Mal hissed through labored breathing.

Mal and Zoe watched the doctor while he retrieved a syringe from one of the drawers and injected a clear liquid into one of the tubes attached to Mal’s arm.

“Tell me, gorramit!” the Captain demanded. “I don’t need no ruttin’ drugs, I just wanna know about Inara!”

“She’s just fine” Zoe reassured him.

Simon and Zoe shared a knowing glance when their eyes met in a flash.

“I never wanted…” Mal slurred already feeling drowsy. “She wasn’t s’pposed to…”

With that, Mal unwillingly gave into the effects of the drugs and passed out.

**********************************

Kaylee turned around when she felt a big hand resting on her shoulder from behind.

Jayne looked down at her, his lips curving into an unusually warm grin when he saw the girl’s bright smile shining back at him. The turning of the engine had muffled his heavy steps and sounded loud and vibrant inside the small engine room.

They did not talk, there was no need.

With a brief nod, Jayne continued on his way to his quarters, leaving Kaylee where she felt most comfortable.

Rubbing the torque wrench on her overalls, the girl crawled below the engine gingerly, and lost herself below the steady rhythm of Serenity’s beating heart.

**********************************

She watched his still form from the side of the bed.

A groan escaped his throat, making her head snap up. Her hands moved to rest on his forearm, her eyes expectant when she saw the slight crease of his brow as he started to awake.

His head turned towards where she was sitting next to him, his limbs as heavy as lead. Still filled with drug induced stupor, he tried to open his eyes, squinting at the overhead light.

He went still when he saw her. Too tired to speak, he simply looked at her in amazement, as if she had just materialized out of thin air.

Inara observed his every move—the expression on her face masked the guilt and deep concern she had felt over the past days.

“Hi” she finally said, smiling shyly at him.

“Hi” he mouthed, his voice gone.

She was here, on Serenity. He thought he would never see her on his boat again, yet here she was, by his side. He wondered whether he might be dreaming—he had been having all kinds of strange dreams. As she leaned forward, the skin on her shoulder was exposed, and his eyes traveled to the small, white bandage.

“You…” he struggled to say almost inaudibly, “You have…”

“It’s nothing” she reassured him reading the concern in his eyes. Then almost inaudibly, “The bullet barely grazed me.”

“Nara…” he managed to say after a beat.

She hushed him softly.

“It is my turn to do the talking” she told him, her eyes unreadable all of a sudden.

He looked at her questioningly before swallowing hard and fixing his gaze on the ceiling with a sense of dread.

"Mal . . ." she said softly, struggling for a place to begin.

She stopped talking and stared at his profile. The remote expression on his face made her eyes fill with tears.

"Please don’t make this so . . . " she sighed, but then realized she did not deserve any better from him. Fighting to prevent the hot tears that were burning her eyes from falling, she continued. "When I told you . . . that . . . I was leaving, you . . ." her voice trembled a bit "You made an offer that I refused to hear. I could not hear it… I was…"

She looked for the slightest reaction from him, but Mal only continued to stare blankly above.

“I have been running for a long time” she began with a sigh. “When I first came to Serenity, I just wanted to break away—from the Guild, from the strict rules of the House…” she paused, her eyes fixed somewhere on the blanket covering half his body. “I came here only to find that the independence that I tried so hard to reach has eluded me, and instead I found other binding… unexpected ties.”

He closed his eyes briefly and clenched his jaw, his face grim.

“It’s frightening” she continued after a pause. “It came unannounced… this feeling of… belonging. Before I could even find myself, I found that I was lost without Serenity, without…” she paused and looked at him. She whispered, “Without you.”

He turned his head to look at her but did not say anything. They held each other’s stare as her words began to sink in. He blinked slowly, his eyes searching hers for meaning.

“I can’t change who I am, Mal.”

There were tears in her eyes, but her voice was steady. “It is all I have to offer, and I am sorry…” she took in a shaky breath struggling for composure. “You deserve better than what I can give you.”

A tear escaped her eye. He lifted his hand to her cheek, wiping the tear away softly with his thumb, but remained silent as he looked into her eyes.

She leaned into his touch, craving its warmth.

“I never asked for more than what you’re willing to offer” he whispered.

With trembling fingers she traced the dressing covering the wound in his chest.

“I thought I’d lost you” she said softly.

“Seems like I’ll be stickin’ around for a while” he answered taking her lingering hand into one of his. After a brief hesitation, he asked, “You?”

“I…” she began, “I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m just glad I had the chance to… to let you know.” He nodded at her in understanding.

After a lingering pause, she whispered a strained “Good bye, Mal.”

Slipping her hand from his, she gave him a warm smile and stood up. Her heart was heavy inside her chest, aching with need and longing as she turned to leave.

She felt his strong grip on her wrist. His fingers felt warm on her skin, holding her in place before she could even take one step.

Slowly she turned around, not daring to look into his eyes fearing she might not find the strength to leave if she did. In the silence of the infirmary she could perfectly hear his even breathing.

With a firm voice, he finally said:

“Stay.”

(The End)