Chapter 4 In Which Preparations are Made for a Feast

The ship was still more or less intact on the afternoon of Christmas day. The same, however, could hardly be said for the kitchen, food in various stages of preparation, dishes, and other implements were strewn everywhere. And, of course, the oven was broken. Wash lay on his back underneath the antiquated contraption as Kaylee looked on, stopping occasionally to stir the pot that was bubbling on a burner. “Well, do I have a second opinion?” Kaylee asked as he emerged from under the stove. “Looks like one of the heating coils is busted,” Wash said. “The safety system won’t let the rest of them turn on,” he explained. “That’s what I thought. We could try and bypass the safeties… We have to get this thing working! I have to use it to warm the ham!” Kaylee said. “Ain’t really necessary, though,” Jayne said. He was sitting on a chair a few feet a way, expertly flicking potato peelings into a bucket between his knees with a wicked looking knife. “Ham’s already been cooked. We can just cut chunks off and eat it.” “That’s disgusting!” Simon said, sticking his head into the kitchen to see what was going on. “Sissy,” Jayne muttered, but otherwise ignored the doctor, who saw the confusion in the kitchen and made a quick get-away. “I’ll tell you what,” Wash said to Kaylee. “You’ve got all the burners working, right? You just keep doing what you need to, and I’ll try and fix this thing.” “Thanks, Wash,” Kaylee chirped, and went back to her cooking. Book entered this lovely domestic scene with a bag of vegetables in one hand and a battered notebook in the other. “I knew I had this recipe written down somewhere,” he said cheerfully, and opened the drawer nearest his hand and pulled out a knife. He drew an emerald green squash from his bag, and began to chop it into neat little circles. A few minutes later, Simon was back. The sight of Kaylee bustling around the kitchen preparing Christmas dinner was simply too adorable to miss. This time, the doctor was followed by his sister. “Hey, Simon!” Kaylee greeted them when she saw them lingering in the doorway. “I was just… wondering if there was something I could do to help,” he said. Kaylee, who was in the process of rolling out a piecrust on the common room table, looked around the kitchen, desperately trying to think of a job to give him, thus keeping him in her vicinity. “Well, making mashed potatoes for nine people involves an awful lot of peelin’. You can help Jayne with that,” she finally said. “Hey!” Jayne protested. “Don’t you be farming out my job!” “It’ll go faster the more hands we’ve got doing it,” Kaylee said. Simon pulled a chair around next to Jayne’s, situating himself so that he was in a good position to watch Kaylee. He picked up a potato and looked at it with uncertainty. “Do I need a knife or something?” he asked. Jayne gave him an ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this’ look, and pointed to the counter. “There’s a little gadget over there you can use. You’d best not use a knife. Probably cut your finger off, and we wouldn’t want our doctor havin’ lame hands,” Jayne said. Simon grabbed the peeler and looked at Jayne for further instructions. “You’ve never done this before, have you?” Jayne asked, the realization finally sinking in. “No, I haven’t,” Simon answered. “At home, we had… well, we had a cook. I don’t think I ever saw my mother in the kitchen the entire time I was growing up.” “Heh. I don’t think I ever saw my mom out of the kitchen,” Jayne said. He and Simon both laughed uneasily for a moment before looking each other in the eye and agreeing on an unspoken truce, just for the time being. “Well, Jayne, quit chattering and show ‘im how to do it!” Kaylee ordered. “I can’t believe I’m missing this!” Wash’s slightly muffled voice came from under the stove. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell you,” Jayne muttered. “Um… you hold it like this, put some pressure on your peeler, there, try not to get peelings on the floor, and, um… keep your fingers out of the way.” “I’m sure I can manage,” Simon drawled. He started on his potato, making slower work of it than he might have otherwise if Kaylee hadn’t been there to distract him. “I must say I was surprised to see you here,” he said to Jayne, “helping out and all.” Kaylee hid a giggle behind her hand, and Jayne grinned at her. “Kaylee knows I’m just here ‘cause she looks cute all covered in flour,” Jayne said. Kaylee grabbed a dishtowel off of the table and snapped it at Jayne’s leg. Simon, on the other hand, was slightly disconcerted at discovering that he and Jayne had such similar motivations for being in the kitchen. No one noticed River grabbing a knife from the table and a potato from the pile. She squatted down next to the bucket, and Jayne saw the flash of silver in her hand. “Hey! River! Knife!” he yelled. Everyone in the kitchen turned to start at him. River just looked back at Jayne with an innocent smile on her face. “I’m helping,” she insisted. Jayne cautiously went back to what he’d been doing, keeping on eye on River just in case she decided he’d look better in red. Again. She watched the movements of his hands intently for a while, then began to copy them. In a remarkably short amount of time, she was finished. She handed the product of her labors to Jayne, as if giving him a precious gift. He looked it over, and put it on the ‘already done’ pile. “Not bad,” he said. “Hey, Simon, I think she’s better at this than you are.” “She’s better at most things than I am,” Simon reminded him. River stuck her tongue out at him, and Simon laughed, momentarily forgetting Jayne’s advice about keeping his fingers out of the way. “OW!” he yelped, and dropped his half-peeled potato in the bucket. “I told you to be careful,” Jayne said. River picked up what it was her brother had dropped and went to work on it. “It’s bleeding!” Simon said, amazed that a little innocuous-looking instrument like the one he was holding in his uninjured hand could do such damage. Jayne just snickered. “Don’t bleed all over my dinner!” Kaylee commanded. Simon slapped his other hand around his bleeding finger and stuck his head out into the hallway. He saw movement a few feet away. “Zoe?” he called. “Hey! Zoe!” The ship’s second in command appeared in the doorway. “You need something?” she asked. “Could you go get me a wrap from the infirmary? Just a little one… I’d do it, but my hands are… messy.” Simon explained. “First drawer on the left, right?” Zoe asked. “That’s it,” he said. While waiting for Zoe to return with his bandage, Simon paced around the kitchen, making occasional grimaces of pain. He stopped to peer over Book’s shoulder. An aromatic steam was rising from the skillet in front of the shepherd. “That looks very interesting. I didn’t know vegetables could be so exciting,” Simon said. Book nodded and added a pinch of spice to the mix, then dumped in a whole mess of sliced carrots. “Many of my brethren at the abbey chose to forego meat, and live on a simpler diet,” he explained. “I learned quite a few ways to make meals using only what the soil gives us.” Zoe reappeared and handed Simon a small bandage. The doctor walked over to the sink and washed his hands. Air hissed through his teeth as the warm water hit his cut, but he let the water run until he was satisfied that the wound was clean. Then, he ripped the paper wrapping off of the bandage and carefully wound it around his finger. “Thanks, Zoe,” he said. “That’s much better.” “It’s nothing,” she replied. “You’ve sure helped me out enough times.” For the first time, she noticed the pair of legs sticking out from under the stove. “Is that Wash?” she asked. “It most certainly is!” he replied, pushing himself out into the open. “I fixed it!” he announced to anyone who happened to be listening. “You did? Oh, Wash! Thank you!” Kaylee threw her arms around him and gave him a big hug. When she was done, Wash had some flour on the front of his shirt to go with the other stains that were already there. “Come on, Husband,” Zoe said, putting an arm around Wash’s waist. “You look like you need to go get cleaned up before dinner.” Mal passed the couple on the way back to their bunk. He took one look at Wash’s disheveled, flour-smeared appearance and raised an eyebrow at him. “You look like you’ve been through the wars,” he said. “How goes the cooking?” “It’s like a circus in there, Sir,” Zoe told him. “But I think Kaylee has everything in hand,” Wash added. Mal nodded and inhaled deeply, savoring the delicious smells that were wafting out of the kitchen. “It sure smells good, whatever it is she’s doing. I just hope she can fend Jayne off long enough for the rest of us to have something to eat,” Mal joked. His brow furrowed, and he got a seriously worried look on his face. “Where is Jayne, by the way?” he asked. “He’s in the kitchen teaching potato peeling class, or some such thing, to Simon and River,” Zoe said. Wash started laughing all over again. “I’m not even going to ask,” Mal murmured.

Chapter 5 In Which Everything is Revealed The dining table in the common room had nine full and happy people sitting around it. Somehow, all evidence of the cooking process had been cleared away, leaving only steaming dishes of real food and satisfyingly empty plates. River reached across her brother to serve herself a second helping of mashed potatoes. “River! Table manners,” Simon reminded her. River just rolled her eyes. Across the table, Jayne gave the doctor an equally dismissive look. Jayne watched River eating for a moment, then, a wicked grin spread over his face. When he thought River wasn’t looking, he reached out and helped himself to a spoonful off of her plate. “Hey!” River protested. As it turns out, she actually was watching. “Table manners,” she admonished, in a perfect imitation of her brother. “See what it feels like to have someone stealing food off your plate?” Jayne asked, still grinning like crazy. River just smiled back, and nonchalantly reached over and stole Jayne’s roll while looking him right in the eye. “Oh, so that’s how it’s gonna be, huh?” Jayne said, snatching his bread back. “Looks like,” River replied, and nabbed a piece of Jayne’s ham. This might have continued for longer if Mal hadn’t spoken up. “The two of you stop that before you start throwin’ it at each other!” he said. Jayne and River broke eye contact and stared down at their plates like guilty children. “Mal, don’t give them ideas,” Inara cautioned. “A food fight might be fun if I had more energy,” Wash said. “With all that I just ate, though, I feel like I need to go curl up and sleep for the rest of the winter.” “There’s still more on the table,” Kaylee said. “Now, who wants this last piece of pie?” “That would be mine,” Mal said, and scooped the dripping mass of peaches, crust, and juice onto his plate. “Your grandmother was a saint, Kaylee, for that peach pie recipe alone.” “I’m glad you like it,” Kaylee said, and sighed. It was a wistful, sad sigh, and Zoe gave Serenity’s mechanic a concerned look. “You okay?” she asked. “Yeah, I was just thinking,” Kaylee waved her hand at the table. “This’s going to make an awful large stack of dishes that’ll need cleaning.” “Don’t you worry about that,” Zoe said. “I figure that the Captain and I can help you out there.” “You do?” Mal asked, confused. “That’s the first I’ve heard of it.” “Seeing as how we didn’t help much with the cooking,” Zoe explained, giving Mal a look that dared him to refuse. “Before we begin all of this washing and cleaning,” Wash said, making sure to put a note of fear and trembling into any words that had to do with clearing the table, “how about presents?” There were nods of agreement all around, and everyone looked expectantly at Kaylee. “This is your party,” Mal said to her. “What do we do now?” “We do the gift givin’, of course,” Kaylee replied. “I guess we could start with you, Captain. Now, which one of us drew Mal’s name?” Silence fell over the table for a few seconds while they waited for the first secret to be revealed. Finally, Book shifted in his chair and pulled what looked like a small, rolled up piece of leather out of his pocket. “That would be me,” he said, and handed the piece of leather to Wash, who was sitting next to him. “Pass that down, please?” he requested. When the gift finally reached Mal, he untied the cord that was wrapped around it, and let out a low whistle. A series of small slits had been made in the leather, into which were inserted an assortment of little tools. “That’s a mighty fine lock pickin’ set, Shepherd,” he said. “The man I got it from promised me that it contained the tools to get through any kind of lock, traditional or electronic,” Book said proudly. “I helped him get it,” Jayne added. Mal pulled out one of the tools – a thin piece of wire with a loop at the end. “Strange gift coming from you, though,” Mal said, studying his new acquisition. “You do realize that this might be used for some less than ethical purposes, right?” “Knowing this crew, I’m confident that it may one day be used to right a wrong, or for another righteous cause,” Book said. “But until then, it should still come in useful,” Mal said. Book laughed, and Wash, who was sitting way down at the other end of the table, waved his arms around. “Hey, some of us down here are getting antsy. Let’s get this show on the road!” he said. Now that the gift-giving had begun in earnest, there was a palpable eagerness in the air. “Now, I know I said we’d go around the table, but I wonder which way we should go,” Kaylee said playfully, drawing out each word as she looked back and forth between Jayne, who was sitting on Mal’s right, and Inara, who was on his left. Jayne surreptitiously tried to get Kaylee’s attention. “Kaylee! Hey, Kaylee,” he whispered, and pointed at himself, looking all the world like a hopeful puppy. “How about Inara next?” Kaylee said. “Gorram it, Kaylee!” Jayne leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. “Don’t pout, it’s not in the spirit of the season,” River said. Jayne only scowled harder at the younger Tam’s admonishment. “All right, whoever had Inara, this is your time,” Kaylee announced. Simon leaned over and whispered in his sister’s ear. “Do you have it?” he asked. River gave him a slightly annoyed look and pushed him away. “Yes. I have it. I didn’t forget. Couldn’t forget. It’s something important,” she said, then reached into a pocket in her skirt and pulled out a small package and handed it to Inara, who was sitting right next to her. Inara carefully removed the layers of paper. The last piece she peeled back revealed a delicate bracelet, which she held up for all to see. Gold wire curled and twisted around milky white stones that had been polished to a high shine and cut to catch the light. “This is lovely, River. Thank you,” Inara said. “I picked it out,” River said. “Simon helped,” she added off-handedly. “You should put it on, see how it looks,” Kaylee suggested. Inara undid the clasp, wound the bracelet around her wrist, and reattached it. The gold and the white stones looked beautiful and exotic against her dark tan skin. “Each stone is polished,” River said to Inara. “They have facets. Different planes, sides of the same stone… reminds me of you.” Inara put one hand to her wrist and looked away from River’s penetrating eyes. “Well, now that we’ve had our dose of crazy for the day,” Jayne muttered. Zoe took advantage of her position in the chair next to him and kicked him under the table. Hard. “Oh, I’m sorry, was that your leg?” Zoe asked innocently. At the same time, she gave Jayne a look that said ‘Open your mouth about River one more time and you won’t be walking for a week.’ He took the hint. “This is a strange coincidence,” Inara said, breaking the awkward silence. “It seems that River and I chose each other.” She pushed River’s plate back a little ways and set a soft, wrapped package in front of the younger girl. “Go ahead, open it,” Inara said in response to the questioning look on River’s face. River tore off the green wrapping paper and held up a piece of material that fell from her hand in gauzy folds, with soft colors that bled and melded into one another. “It’s a skirt,” Inara explained. “I thought it would look lovely on you.” “It’s like wind,” River whispered, running her hand over the fabric. “Changing, all the time.” “You’ll have to try it on later, so you can show Inara how it looks,” Simon said. River nodded. “Thank you,” she said, smiling shyly at the Companion. “You are very welcome.” Inara reached out and gently hugged River. At first, River stiffened at Inara’s touch, but finally relaxed and hugged her back. “Very touching,” Simon murmured. “Now, who had me?” The room was silent for a good long while, and Simon began to fidget uncomfortably. “Come on! Whoever drew Simon’s name out of the hat, speak up,” Kaylee said. Jayne cleared his throat, and every eye at the table trained on him, some with surprise, some with barely-concealed amusement. “I did. Catch, Doctor.” Jayne tossed a flat, square-ish package to Simon. Simon managed to recover from his momentary shock just in time to avoid getting hit in the head with his present. “All right, now I’m worried. This isn’t going to explode, is it?” he asked, only half-joking. Jayne looked offended, and just a little bit hurt. “Of course not, you’d get all over me if I blew you up while I was sitting right here,” Jayne said, ever the practical one. “Just open it.” Simon cautiously and methodically tore the paper wrapping off. “It’s a book,” he said. He flipped through a couple of pages, then frowned. “It’s a blank book. A journal!” “I knew you wrote in ‘em. Thought you might be needing a new one,” Jayne said. Simon blinked, still trying to get his mind around the thought of Jayne actually doing something halfway considerate for him that didn’t involve a show of force. “Leather cover and everything. This is… very nice. Thanks,” Simon stammered. “Don’t thank me, thank Kaylee over there,” Jayne muttered. “This whole game was her idea.” “No, Jayne, I think I’ll still thank you. It’s just so much more fun to see you twitch,” Simon cracked. Jayne sensed that the doctor was actually teasing him in a spirit of… what? Friendship? Camaraderie? Whatever it was, it was enough to make him smile all friendly-like back at Simon and shock the poor doctor all over again for the second time in two minutes. “And now for me!” Kaylee said excitedly. “Come on, fess up. Who had me?” Wash responded by pulling a shiny metal gadget out from under his chair. “They didn’t wrap it for me, so I’m sorry if you feel cheated out of your surprise,” he said, and handed it to Kaylee. “An inverter! Wow! I’ve always wanted one of these!” She turned the tool over in her hands, staring at it lovingly. “What is it?” Mal asked. “It’s… it’s an inverter, Captain,” Kaylee said. Seeing the blank look on his face, she explained, “It’s an engine-fixin’ tool. Makes some things that need doin’ a whole lot easier.” “And look how it makes her smile,” Wash said, pointing at Kaylee’s beaming face. “That’s the real reason I got it.” “While she’s smiling’, y’all mind if we move on to the next person?” Jayne asked. “Patience, Jayne, your time will come,” Mal said calmly, with just enough bite in his voice to make Jayne send rays of death in his direction. “But, right now, it’s the Shepherd’s time,” Kaylee reminded them. Jayne cast a quick look at Zoe, remembering their run-in at the bookstore, and wondered if his hunch was correct. He nodded in satisfaction when she pulled the second book-shaped bundle of the night out from under her chair and reached over her husband to hand it to Book. “The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius,” Book read from the cover, once he’d torn the paper off. “I’m sure it will be fascinating. Thank you, Zoe.” “Clerk at the store said he was an ancient philosopher, or some such thing. I figured you do a lot of meditating, and this might come in handy if you ever ran out of things to think about,” Zoe said. “He was a Roman emperor as well, if I remember correctly,” Simon added. “That’s right,” Book said. “As usual, Simon is our source for historical knowledge,” Kaylee teased, patting the doctor on the shoulder. Book fondly ran his fingers over the book’s cover. “Marcus and I haven’t come into contact for quite some time. It will be good to read him again.” “You’re on first name basis with a man who’s been dead for centuries? Now, that’s startin’ to scare me, Preacher,” Zoe said. “I’ve often found that the author of a great book can come to be like a close friend,” Book told them. “When I read a man’s writing’s, I feel as if I am seeing into the soul of that man…” “Hey, the soul of this man is wondering who picked him,” Wash interrupted him. “You don’t have to wonder any more,” Simon said, and reached across the table to place a medium sized white box in front of Wash. “Ooooh… a box. Just what I always wanted!” Wash clapped his hands a couple of times in glee. “Just open it, Sweetheart,” Zoe murmured. Wash flipped the lid of the box open, and pulled out some wadded up tissue paper. He flung the paper to one side, and plunged his hand into the box. It emerged holding a plastic dinosaur, unlike any of the others that he already owned. The creature had a huge body, a long neck, and a ridiculously small head. He reached in again and pulled out two more. Wash was content to stare at his new acquisitions for a second, grinning like a kid. “These are great!” he said. “I’m glad you like them, though I’m not even sure that all of those are even real dinosaurs… that one right there doesn’t look like anything that ever lived on earth that was, or anywhere else, for that matter,” Simon said, and pointed at one of the more fantastical creatures. Wash grabbed one of the meaner looking dinosaurs and made it attack its gentler companion. “I don’t care! These are great!” he assured the doctor. Zoe sighed the sigh of a long-suffering wife. “You do realize you’re encouraging him, don’t you?” she asked Simon. “I do what I can,” Simon replied. “Well, here’s something for you, Zoe, while your husband’s ignoring you for a bunch of toys,” Mal said, and thrust a small, flat box in her direction. It was the first time in the years the two of them had known each other that he had ever gotten her anything, and Mal felt mighty awkward handing her his gift. Zoe flipped the lid open, and lifted a round silver object with a long handle out of the box. “You got me a mirror, Sir? Are you trying to tell me something? Like that I need to be lookin’ after my appearance?” Zoe asked. Mal just blinked in confusion and tried to collect himself. “Well, no! I just… thought you didn’t have many girl-things in your room, and I didn’t know what I was supposed to get you, and then this fussy old man showed me that shiny mirror you’ve got there… aw, hell, Zoe, you know I’m no good at this shopping business.” “It’s all right, Sir. It’s a lovely present,” Zoe said, clearly enjoying her captain’s discomfort. “Yeah, now she can know she’s pretty any time she wants, even when I’m not around to tell her,” Wash said. “See? That was my plan all along.” Mal thought he was covering very nicely until Wash and Zoe both burst out laughing. He turned his attention to Jayne, who was practically jumping out of his chair with anticipation. “Would whoever picked Jayne please tell him? Before he breaks something?” Mal requested. Jayne looked expectantly at each member of Serenity’s crew, trying to remember who had already revealed whom they picked. Luckily for him, he didn’t have to rely on his less than perfect memory. Kaylee stood up and tossed what looked like a small black rock in Jayne’s direction. He caught it, and looked at her, confused. “What’s this?” “It’s a piece of coal, Jayne,” Kaylee said. The expression on her face was perfectly straight, her voice was serious, and Jayne was too busy at staring at the sooty chunk in his hand to catch the mischief in her eyes. “This’s… all you thought I deserved, huh?” Jayne asked. All of the nervous excitement had gone out of him, and his shoulders slumped dejectedly. “You might’ve been right about that,” he added. Oh, for heaven’s sake! He thinks I’m serious! Kaylee thought. She sprang up, snatched something from underneath the table, and ran over to correct his erroneous assumption. “Oh, Jayne… I was just havin’ some fun with you. I didn’t mean for you to take me so serious. Here, Silly.” She dropped a long object, wrapped in brown paper, in his lap. “Now that’s more like it,” he said, and tore the paper off with all the finesse of a hungry predator. “Well would you look at that,” Jayne murmured, and gently lifted his brand new knife sheath from it’s wrapping. The dark, well-oiled leather glistened, even in the artificial light of Serenity’s dining room. “I thought you might be needing a new one,” Kaylee explained. “I kind of noticed that your old one, the one you’ve got your knife in right now, got a little scorched, and shot at, and tore up a couple planets back.” Jayne drew his knife out of its old, battered sheath and slipped it easily into the new one. “That fits real nice, Kaylee,” he said. “I hope you don’t mind… I had to borrow your knife for a little while when I went shopping, just so I could make sure I what I got was the right size,” she told him. “Zoe helped me keep you out of the way while I lifted it from your bunk.” “So that’s what you two were doin’!” Jayne said. The pieces were finally falling into place. “I knew you knew something!” he hissed at Zoe. “And you were so easy to distract,” Zoe said. “All I had to do was look even halfway suspicious, and you’d come runnin’.” “Sounds like you two went through an awful lot of trouble on my account,” Jayne murmured. “Thank you.” The genuine gratefulness in his voice was enough to give pause to everyone sitting at the table. “You’re welcome.” Kaylee bent down and gave him a quick hug, then kissed him on the cheek. “Merry Christmas, Jayne.” “I would’ve been a lot more enthusiastic this game if I’d known it’d involve gettin’ kissed by a pretty girl,” he said, and threw Kaylee what he must have thought passed for a devilishly handsome grin. “Not fair!” Wash protested. “I didn’t get kissed by a pretty girl!” Zoe laughed and planted a wet one on her husband’s cheek. “Well, that’s it, that’s all of us,” Kaylee announced when the chatter and laughter had died down. “Merry Christmas, everybody!” “And God bless us, every one,” Book added. In the spirit of the holiday, even Mal raised his glass with the rest of the crew in response to Book’s blessing as Serenity made her way through the black.