Author: Rawles {rawles[dot]marie[at]gmail[dot]com} Type: Het Genre: Drama/Romance Characters: Simon. Kaylee. Author’s Notes: Written for Tara, because she asked so nice. A Objects in Space coda. Poem is "Simile" by N. Scott Momaday, and it's awesome.

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What did we say to each other that now we are as the deer who walk in single file with heads high with ears forward with eyes watchful with hooves always placed on firm ground in whose limbs there is latent flight

Simon shifted uncomfortably in his bed, not able to find a position that would alleviate the twinge in his leg. The gunshot wound he’d taken at the hands of Jubel Early had almost completely finished healing. Still it seemed that lately when he wanted nothing more than the sweet oblivion of sleep the wound would become extra sensitive. No matter how he positioned himself he couldn’t get quite comfortable enough to drift off into unconsciousness.

He sighed in exasperation and sat up, switching on the light. The dull golden glow washed the tiny room so softly that Simon’s eyes barely needed to adjust. He took a deep breath in an attempt to calm his agitation, but it wasn’t very successful. Not helping matters was the ever-present gnawing in his gut. It had started before the gunshot. Its point of origin was the exact second Early realized that threatening his life would never sway Simon. The moment the man had let the foul words slip from his lips.

You refuse to help me... spend some time violatin’ the little mechanic I got trussed up in the engine room... She will die, weeping, if you cross me.

Simon’s heart almost stopped and real fear gripped him. The first wave had been instinctual; a natural gut reaction to a horrible threat on the life and spirit of a woman for whom he cared deeply. The second wave was intellectual, straight from the logical portion of his mind. It worried not over what might happen to Kaylee, not over the things he’d never said or done that he might never have a chance to. Instead that second wave of fear was derived entirely from the fact that he’d had the first with such intensity.

In recent years, Simon had learned firsthand that you quickly discover how much you value a thing when you’re about to lose it. His career, his money, his freedom to live the life he was born to had not meant as much as River. He’d given it up for her. And he had given River up for Kaylee.

He hadn’t wanted to think of it that way, but the little animal that had curled up inside his belly and taken to chewing on his insides insisted. Certainly, he hadn’t been much assistance to Early in the search. Surely, he had tried to stop the man. Yes, he’d even taken a bullet for his troubles. But he could have made a different choice. He could have died and left Early to fend for himself, without him as a hostage. And he had no doubt that if it had just been his life on the line he would have. He knew that it would have helped nothing. River’d had a plan. A good plan. But he hadn’t known it then. A breath after he refused to help Early, refused to betray his sister, he’d done just that, with a pair of pretty hazel eyes dancing through his mind.

The thing that bothered him the most was that he hadn’t hesitated. There was shock, followed by the fear, and then there was the decision. It all flowed with no space in-between. He decided that he would do what Early demanded and he would just have to come up with a way to save them both; keep them both safe.

He’d spent the last three years focusing only on River. First, finding her and getting her out, then keeping her safe, and then trying to cure her. It was so emotionally draining, sometimes, just looking at River, his brilliant baby sister, her eyes glazed with madness, nothing like he remembered her. Simon hadn’t thought that he would have enough left in him to feel anything for anyone else for a very long time.

Somehow Kaylee had gotten in. He had no idea when it had happened. She’d crept into his mind and his heart and taken up residence, without him even realizing that it was going on. She filled a need he had, he understood that much. Her friendship and amicability were appreciated. She tried very hard to make Simon Tam feel like he belonged in a place where he knew very well that he did not. She looked at him with admiration and desire and genuine affection. Sometimes that let him forget.

He was able to let himself feel that much. It felt nice to be wanted, especially when he knew that he had nothing but himself to offer. But it wasn’t supposed to be serious. It wasn’t supposed to run so deep. Kaylee could fill other needs too, but he had refused to let her. He had refused to use her. It wasn’t his way to become involved with a woman for whom he did not have real feelings. It would be inappropriate. Simon had convinced himself that he was emotionally incapable of romantic attachment. Yet, despite his best efforts, a twisted bounty hunter had awakened him to the truth. He could not deny what he felt for Kaylee. Still, he wasn’t certain he could act on it either.

For the past few weeks they’d almost been like strangers. He knew why he was acting that way, but he was unsure why Kaylee was. A niggling fear in the back of his mind told him that it was because she blamed him for her terrifying experience. That went on the ever-growing list of things that he didn’t want to believe, but he could posit no other logical reason. She’d been polite to him, and chatted when they were near each other, and smiled at him. All the same, polite was not the exuberant friendliness of the Kaylee he had known. Talking idly to him when she didn’t have much of a choice was not seeking him out for relaxed evenings of conversation. Her hesistant grin was not the brilliant smile that drew smiles out of him when he thought he had forgotten how. He didn’t know what he would do if he could never experience any of those things again. Yet, that seemed to be the road down which he was headed.

The increasing morbidity of his thoughts made Simon give up entirely on sleeping. He didn’t want to know what kind of dreams he’d have even if he could manage to nod off. He tossed back the covers and swung his legs off of the bed. He braced himself then stood, slightly limping as he grabbed a sweater and pulled it over his head. He slid open the door to his room, immediately went across the hall and quietly slid open River’s door to check on her. He bit back a startled yell. River was standing on the other side of screen staring at him.

“Can’t sleep,” she said.

“I’ll, uhm, go get you a smoother,” he said, still a little taken aback.

“Not me. You,” She stifled a yawn.

“Oh.”

“You should get some tea.” It sounded strangely like a command. River moved forward suddenly and wrapped him in a tight hug. She smiled at him once she had released him, then darted back into her room and slid the door closed behind her. Simon made a valiant effort but soon realized that he just didn’t have the energy to try and puzzle out these latest bizarre actions of his sister’s.

Tea really didn’t sound bad.

He walked slowly through Serenity’s corridors, bare feet on the cold metal. He’d meant to go to the mess. He really had. Instead, his limping gait somehow carried him to the engine room. His eyes searched the room, his tired mind considering the fact that this was where the heart of Serenity worked on the heart of Serenity. He grinned at his own bad pun before his brain registered the fact that Kaylee was not present. She often worked on the engine late at night, but apparently Simon’s recent run of luck was holding true. She was nowhere to be found on this night.

He trailed a hand over her hammock before he sat down lightly, making sure to keep both feet on the floor for balance. It hadn’t been very long since he was the butt of most of the crew’s jokes. He certainly didn’t want to give Jayne or the Captain new material in the form of him seriously injuring himself with a hammock. Not to mention the fact that they would consider what he was currently doing to be pathetically pining away for the pretty little mechanic like a lovesick schoolboy. He idly thought about how the hammock, inebriating, smelled of her, before he acknowledged that he was indeed pining.

Realizing that he was verging on undignified and, in his mind, only a few steps above stealing some of her clothing to sniff, he rose and dedicated himself to getting the tea that he was supposedly up for. He walked quickly to the mess fighting back the impulse to go instead to Kaylee’s bunk. He wanted to talk to her, but he didn’t know what he would say if he did chance to do so. Besides he didn’t think she would be particularly pleased if he woke her up just to hem and haw and not actually say anything. When he crossed the threshold into the mess he stopped dead in his tracks. Kaylee sat at the table, nursing a steaming cup with a forlorn look on her face.

It shamed Simon that his first impulse was to retreat. His second was to stride purposefully over to her, grab her, and kiss her. The two desires warred within him and he ended up just standing there. She looked over at him. Their eyes met briefly before she gave him the grin as a greeting, then looked back down at her cup. Simon forced his legs to carry him over to the table, where he slowly sat down across from her. She grinned half-heartedly at him again, looking vaguely as though she wanted to say something, but was frightened to do so. He could sympathize with that feeling. Words caught in his throat as well, as he worried if the wrong one would send her fleeing from his presence, hurt or angry or just bored with his company.

It was Kaylee who broke the oppressive silence. “Up late, huh?”

“Uhm, yeah. I, uh, couldn’t sleep.”

“Must be going around,” Kaylee offered.

The silence returned even more uncomfortable the second time around. She was staring intently at her cup, her expression still doleful.

“Kaylee, is there something wrong?” he ventured after about an eternity.

“Wrong? I don’t know what you mean.”

He swallowed, trying to overcome the sudden lump in his throat. He knew what he wanted to say, yet somehow that never seemed to be enough to ensure that it actually came out how he meant it. “You’ve been acting... different lately.”

“So’ve you,” she said, her tone bordering accusatory.

“I guess maybe I have...” he admitted. She looked at him earnestly and the words came out of his mouth before he could stop them. “What happened to us?”

“Us?” she repeated slowly and Simon knew that his face was turning red.

“I, uh, well, I thought that- I was thinking that... I had, maybe, done something. We both know my mouth doesn’t always seem to be connected to my brain and-”

“Aw, xin gan,” she said. She reached a hand across the table and touched his lightly, then withdrew a bit. Their fingers rested, near to touching. His heart began to beat faster. “It’s not about you... not anything you did anyways.” She paused, then swallowed before she met his eyes again. “I told Early where River was... he-he threatened me and I was so scared... I told him.”

“Kaylee-”

“River said it was ok...” she rushed on, “but, I thought that- I was afraid you’d be mad at me.”

“Well, I’m not.” He closed the distance between their hands took hers into his own.

“I betrayed River,” she insisted, her eyes blazing. “She’s my friend and I gave her up.”

“Kaylee, I’m not angry with you,” he said, his voice calm. “River’s not angry with you. Why should you be angry with yourself?”

“’Cause I feel guilty,” she admitted.

Simon gave her hand a squeeze. “Guilt isn’t good for you. Let it go. Doctor’s orders.”

She seemed to consider this for a moment before she spoke again. “What about you?”

“Me?”

“You said you might’ve been acting different but you ain’t said why.”

He looked away, unsure if he was willing to reveal that piece of information.

“It’s nothing.”

She looked skeptically at him.

“Really. I just- I thought you were upset with me. That-that was all.”

“Simon, you’ve got lotsa talents, but lying ain’t one of ‘em,” she said with fondness in her voice.

“Am I really that transparent?”

“’Fraid so,” she said with a nod.

He smiled meekly. “When I was a kid my parents thought that I was so perfect and good because I never did anything wrong, truth was I just knew that I’d never be able to get away with anything as soon as someone asked me a direct question. I guess I’ve never been-”

“Simon, I’m thinking avoidance is still little too close to lying for you,” she said, not unkindly.

“Right,” he nodded, a little discouraged, “Transparent.”

“As glass.”

“I helped Early look for River.” His stomach contracted at the simple statement.

Kaylee was incredulous. “He had a gun to your head, Simon, and you still tried to fight him. That ain’t nothing to feel bad about.”

“It wasn’t because of that... not just that.”

“Then why-”

“He threatened you. He said that if I didn’t help him he’d kill me and-and hurt you.” Kaylee’s eyes widened and Simon went on needing to explain, to express to someone, how he had been feeling since then, why he had been feeling that way. “I folded. I sat there and I talked tough and I told him I wanted to die standing and-and my last act wasn’t going to be betraying my sister. Then I did... for you. I’ve spent the last few weeks hating myself for it.”

Kaylee closed her eyes and took a deep breath and Simon wanted to disappear, anything to get away from the stricken look on her face. “I-I don’t know what to say to that. You did what you think is betraying your sister for me, which is... all kinds of confusing. Then you say that you regret it and hate yourself for doing it...” A single tear made its way down her face and she stood reclaiming her hand and turning away. “Why are you telling me this?”

Simon found himself standing as well. He moved to the other side of the table and gently turned her to face him. “I’m telling you because I want you to know... I don’t regret it. I feel guilty, but if it happened again I’d still- I’d do the same thing. I like you Kaylee. A lot. It snuck up on me... and I don’t want to and I’ve tried to convince myself that I don’t-”

“Well that’s terrible flattering-” she said bitterly, moving back a step and shaking his hand off of her arm.

“I’m saying this all wrong.” He brought his hands to his face, frustrated, and tried to organize his thoughts.

“No argument here.”

He took a deep breath. “I’m supposed to be helping River. She needs me, all of me, to be there for her. So when I got here I just took for granted that I wouldn’t get attached. To the ship. To the crew. To anyone. Because that would be a distraction. But you-”

“Me?” Her expression had softened. She looked hopeful.

“You make it impossible not to... get attached. And it scares me, because I don’t know what it means or how it will affect what I’m supposed to be doing.”

She moved closer to him, eyes slightly downcast. He could smell her hair. “Well... there’s one way to find out, just-”

Before Simon had fully registered what he was doing, before he had time to overthink or doubt or wonder what it would mean, he was kissing her. Her lips were soft and pliant. Her mouth tasted like tea. He brought one hand up to stroke her cheek. She gripped the other tightly in her own hand.

When they broke the kiss she smiled at him the way she used to. He knew that he was grinning like a fool. Then her smile waned and she looked a little sad. Simon felt like his internal organs had all relocated to the soles of his feet.

She opened her mouth but he began apologizing before she could speak.

“I, uhm, I’m sorry.. I shouldn’t have- it was forward of me to-”

She squeezed his hand encouragingly. “No. No, that’s not it at all. It’s just, what we were talking about before. About you and River and what happened with Early.” She regarded him seriously. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Simon.”

“That’s easy to say but-”

“River ain’t mad at you, is she?” she cut him off.

“No, but-”

“So why should you be mad at yourself?” she parroted his own statment pointedly. “We both did things we ain’t proud of for reasons we ain’t quite comfortable with. Can’t nothing be done about that. But we’ve both been forgiven by the ones we wronged so we can’t rightfully hold on to the guilt no more. It ain’t right.” She brought a hand to his face and kissed him lightly on the mouth. “If I have to let it go, Simon, so do you.”

A part of him wanted to argue and insist that there was more to it than that. But he honestly couldn’t think of what that more was in face of such simple logic. So he found himself looking at her admiringly. “You are very smart.”

She smiled at him again. “You trying to make me blush, Dr. Tam?”

He laughed and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her hair. Her arms snaked up around his waist and rested there. It felt right. “So how long do you think it’ll take me to say something stupid and ruin this?”

“Easy enough thing to prevent,” she said as she pulled back and bit and pressed her mouth to his. Her tongue teased his lips and he opened his mouth compliantly. He gasped into her mouth as she ran her hands up under the front of his sweater and across his stomach. When they parted briefly, she grinned. “No talking?” she asked, breathless.

“No talking,” he agreed with a nod.

As their mouths met and their hands wandered, his fears about what this would mean to his and River’s life were forgotten. Forced away by more pleasant thoughts. He didn’t even find time to worry about the fact that it had been so easy for him to lose himself completely in her. Worry was for some other time.