Spoilers for Objects In Space, War Stories, Jaynestown and Safe (Oh, just watch the whole set and then read this!)

This belongs to Joss, just borrowing (It's a wonderful 'Verse ;)

I'd also like to thank Rob Reiner for his Most Excellent movie, The Princess Bride!

For Clan McCormick, Big Damn Princess Bride Fans!

***

River reading from The Bride, "Good men, bad men, Jayne Cobb & Malcolm Reynolds..."

"You mean Jayne is a good man and Mal is a bad man?" Simon asked.

"No, dummy, that's just the way they see themselves..." She traced the words on the page for effect as she read aloud. Simon relaxed, soothed by her voice in a childhood ritual. This had always been something between the two of them. Neither parent had ever thought to read to a sick child, or to be fair, they were much too busy to do so. Simon had first read the story to River when she was four and very sick. Thinking back on it, that had been when he'd decided to become a doctor...

He slept and as he slept, he smiled as he dreamed of Princess... Kaylee? Kaylee as the Princess Buttercup, in a simple dress. Simon only remembered ever having seen Kaylee in a dress once, that frilly one she wore to the infamous party on Persephone. In his dream he wore the course homespun clothes of the Farm-Boy, Westley. It was so incongruous that he smiled.

"Why do you just stand there and smile, Farm-Boy? Fetch me water and see to Horse!"

Simon knew the response to this one. "As you wish." It was all Farm-boy ever said. Simon thought Kaylee would probably enjoy this. He played along for a time, but when he was carrying a load of firewood into the kitchen, the whole thing changed around him. He was standing in the engine room, instead. He realized that Kaylee was on the floor, working under the engine.

"Can you hand me that wrench? There by my elbow." Like the pot in the kitchen, it was within her reach, but Simon would have to get close to Kaylee to pick it up. He smiled and sat down, a little awkward but not giving a damn about getting dirty.

He and Kaylee made quite a production of it. "This wrench?" "No, try the one right next to it..." Finally Kaylee sat up, very close. Simon thought, ''This is a dream. This is not me making a promise i can't keep, or damning Kaylee with our troubles. This is what I want, with no tears and no pain.' He leaned over and Kaylee was already tilting her face up, for that first kiss that somehow they'd never gotten around to...

We cut to the scene from Safe where Mal is closing the ramp and hatch. "We're not gonna lose anyone else today, if I can help it!"

Voice over, Inara says "Left behind by the Petty Thief Reynolds..."

Cut to the engagement announcement in Florin city, with Inara as the princess, Atherton as Prince Humperdink, Wash and Zoe as the old King and Queen, Niska as Count Reugen. Simon is in the crowd and says- "This must be what going mad feels like..."

Simon is in medieval costume and realizes that he is standing next to a giant Jayne, even taller than he is in reality. A very short man in a cloak is speaking. Simon recognizes the voice but can't believe it- Jubal Early in 3/4 scale!

"What are you staring at? Now, remember, follow the plan, but if something goes wrong, go back to the beginning."

"Yeah, let's not stand here all day, waiting to get nicked by the Man."

Simon follows along, warily.

Princess Inara is troubled and goes for a ride in her shuttle, but is taken by stowaways, Jubal Early as the Sicilian, Simon as Inigo & Jayne as Fezzik. Simon is surprised at how much he enjoys the rhyming with the giant Jayne, but the Sicilian puts an end to that. Princess Inara tricks them all and tries to run away on a planet but is stalked by Reavers...

"The Princess does not get eaten by Reavers at this time..."

"What!?" Simon sits up. He's on the couch in the passenger lounge.

"Just trying to update it a little," Book says, nodding at Jayne. Jayne is looking a mite sheepish. Simon rubs his eyes and vaguely remembers Book taking over for River...

We cut back to the movie, which plays out, the climbing of the Cliffs of Insanity, the duel between Mal as the man in black and Simon as Inigo. Simon loses and Mal lays him out with a round-house blow instead of coshing him with the hilt of his sword. Mal-in-black overcomes Jayne as Fezzik, finally catching up with the Princess and the Sicilian. Jubal Early proposes a test of wits, which Mal wins with some coaching from River, who only Mal can see and hear. Jubal has the poison, not Mal-in-Black. He puts the poison in one cup and places it in front of himself. River makes a distraction with a thrown rock and switches them, telling Mal to take the one in front of Jubal. Jubal drinks the poison, thinking he has won, then falls dead away from the picnic-laden rock, floating up into the sky.

Later Princess Inara identifies the man in black as 'the petty criminal Reynolds.' There is much indignant and incoherent sputtering on Mals' part. Then somehow they both go down the hill... and Simon and Kaylee find themselves at the bottom of the ravine. Simon-in-Black has lost the mask and the princess recognizes him as Westley. Their scene of reunion plays out, but before they can kiss, it's interrupted by Jayne demanding that they skip on ahead to the part in the fire swamp- "That sounded good!"

"I'm reading this for Simon!" Book was annoyed at the big mercenary.

"Well, he's asleep, so-"

"Not anymore! Look, let's just pick up the story at that part, i don't mind." Yes, I do, Simon realized.

This bit follows the Bride, with Simon & Kaylee in the staring roles. They discover and survive the secrets of the fire swamp, all but the Rodents Of Unusual Size, who are Badger and his henchmen. They attack and beat up Simon. Kaylee is frozen in terror, but River appears out of nowhere and picks off all but Badger with a BFG before he gets to her. They struggle and fall into the lightning sand. Simon dives after her, surfaces, dives again. They are winched out of the sand by Kaylee into the hold of Serenity. Prince Atherton is there with a squad of purple-bellies is persuaded to return the Tams to Osiris, but tells Niska as Count Reugen to turn River over to the blue hands & have fun with the rest.

In the dungeon, Mal is accused of being involved with, by turns, Zoe, Kaylee & Inara by Wash, Simon & Book (it's an injustice, he takes a fatherly tone). Jayne is impressed. Zoe, Kaylee & Inara are elsewhere.

Things take yet another twist, this time with Princess Zoe and Prince Wash, who are arguing. It does not go well at all and Prince Wash is the one to set the torture machine to '50' , which kills off... Mal-in-Black.

The dream logic train has pretty much jumped the tracks as we cut to Jayne, Mal and Zoe looking for the Man in black, who is now Simon. They recover the body and take it to... Simon as Miracle Max & River as the Witch. The make up a chocolate-covered pill. River 'floods' with a wonderful bit of nonsense. They send them off.

River- Do you think it will work?

Simon- It'd take a miracle.

Together- Have fun storming the Castle!

Eventually, Team Firefly revives Simon as the Man in Black and they storm the castle with the Fed from Ariel as the sheriff.

Prince Atherton is all set to wed Princess Inara with Book as Eminent Clergyman. The noise from the gates is disrupting the ceremony and he sends Count Niska to 'deal with it.' Prince Atherton cues Book with 'Man and wife, say man and wife!" Annoyed, Book does so. The prince hands his bride over to his parents, Good King Wash and his Warrior Queen, Zoe.

Queen Zoe- What a strange wedding. Come along, old man. (She takes the lead as Wash follows with Inara on his arm. She stops and kisses him on the cheek)

King Wash- (happy surprise) What was that for?

Princess Inara- Because you've always been so kind to me and I'm killing myself when we get to my room.

King Wash- (smiles absently, pats her arm) Won't that be nice. (He calls to Zoe (my god, man what are you doing!)) She kissed me!

Count Niska and his men confront Team Firefly in the hallway. They kill his squad of purple bellies in two seconds flat. Count Niska considers the tactical situation for a moment, then turns and runs away, pursued by Mal & Zoe. Jayne, who was carrying Simon, is called on to break down a door & looses Simon-in-Black

Niska is pursued, but cornered by... Wash? He is wounded, as in War Stories, but determined. He comes at Count Niska and is cut up, as in the movie, until Niska is gloating over him, taunting him.

Count Niska- (Stabbing him in the gut, with real force in his shoulder) It's a good thing your woman came for you when she did. I think perhaps you would not have lasted as long as the remarkable Captain Reynolds. What do you think? (Pulls the knife and Wash presses his hand to the wound, which is bleeding profusely. But still he stands.)

Inigo/Wash- (Quietly) I wanted her to pick me (Niska strikes and Wash parries, his voice rising) and she did, I didn't care (Niska strikes again and this time Wash paries with a flourish, his voice loud) if Mal stayed behind or not. (Slices Niska and roars) Offer me anything!

Count Niska- (desperate to buy time) All that you ask for and then some... (Attacks, is spitted on Wash's sword.)

Inigo/Wash- (low and steady) I want my self-respect back, you son of a bitch.

Cut to the scene with Princess Inara readying to use her hypo of poison. She is interrupted by Simon-in-black and Princess Kaylee making out.. or trying to.

"Mei-mei!" Inara and Mal say together, as he comes into the room. They are confronted by Prince Atherton. Mal pulls a gun to his sword. The Prince has a seat and is tied up. Zoe and Wash stagger in together. Wash is hurt but looking remarkably well, not all about to kick from blood-loss. He is bandaged. Jayne is heard calling from below. He has found four white horses and the mule (Jayne, who never does the right thing, has 'done something right'). Together, they all ride off for Serenity, with Zoe, Wash and Jayne on the mule. Book and River are at the top of the ramp. Sunset to the side of the ramp. Wash and Zoe go to their bunk, Simon says something wrong and Mal says something rude...

Simon wakes up. "Everything's back to normal," he murmurs, then he realizes that he's still on the couch in the passenger lounge. Kaylee is snuggled up to him. Book is asleep in a comfy chair and River is sprawled on the floor, drawing. Someone is snoring. Simon stretches in his spot and cranes his neck to see Jayne asleep on the stairs up to the hold. River looks up and smiles. "You want me to read it to you again tomorrow?" Kaylee moves in her sleep, closer to Simon. Simon moves a lock of her hair.

"As you wish..."