Ni ta ma de tian xia suo you de ren dou gai si.

Jayne took another pull from the bottle in his hand. He couldn’t get the picture of River’s back outta his brain.

He didn’t mean to hurt her. That was the whole idea of buyin’ a whore in the first place, so he could get rid of some of that heat that was burnin’ him up without hurtin’ her. Without makin’ things too complicated.

Fei hua. Things was already complicated.

He put his head on the table, resting his forehead in the crook of his arm.

There she was. Hair swingin’. Runnin’ like she was bein’ chased.

He wondered if it shoulda been him chasin’ her, ‘stead a the doc.

He lifted his head back up after a minute. Looked at the barman, who looked back at him real bored.

“Don’ worry. I ain’t gonna-“ he sat up. The bar pitched and rolled. He watched it until it settled back down, then looked back at the barman. “I ain’t gonna wax all poetical atcha. But I reckon… I reckon you should be made awares that change… things changin’… is a tah mah de.”

The barman’s face didn’t move. Jayne didn’t know if he hadn’t heard him or hadn’t understood him or if he’d forgot to speak aloud. Didn’t much care.

He took another drink. Had some idea of fallin backwards an’ didn’t remember much else.

***

River didn’t leave her room. Not when Simon tried to bait her with leftover birthday cake. Not when she heard two people dragging someone down the hall and tossing that someone on Jayne’s bed.

Not when she got messy images of arms and legs and her hair swinging as she ran and she knew he was dreaming about her.

There was a knock at the door. Simon pushed it open when she didn’t answer.

“Mei mei?”

She knew how strange she looked. Felt his concern as he looked at her. She was sitting on the bed, turned away from the door, cradling her hand in her lap. She was staring at her palm.

Wondering if he was still there, under her fingernails.

“Lily’s invited all of us to dinner. No doubt she wants us to help clean up after last night. Not that I blame her.”

She turned her head toward him. He was leaning against the wall, his arms folded.

“Not hungry.”

She turned away and stared down at her hand. Turned it over and spread her fingers.

Simon moved toward the bed and sat down next to her.

“I wish you would tell me what’s wrong.”

She curled her fingers into a fist before Simon could take her hand. He was so strong, and the smell of tobacco was already washing away.

Simon dipped his head down to look into her face.

“Mei mei?”

She lifted her head and looked at his eyes. Looked away again when she saw Kaylee there.

“I can’t.”

He tensed beside her. “What? River.” He put his hands on her shoulders and moved off of the bed. Crouched in front of her.

“River, you can tell me. You can tell me anything. Did someone… did Jayne say something to you? Did he do something? River…”

River shook her head. No. Not to her. Yes and then no. Wrong. Right. Left. He left, and she was left. He had spun her around and around and she had fallen and—

“No one caught me. No one caught me when the equilibrium broke. And I shattered.”

She held her hand up and opened her fist. Spread her fingers.

“Crash.”

Simon didn’t understand.

It was just as well.

***

Jayne opened his eyes. Regretted it right away.

He felt like his eyelids were flipped inside out. Like someone had stuffed his head full of dirt and took a leak in his mouth.

His stomach turned and he remembered why.

Hair, swingin’.

He closed his eyes and rolled onto his side with a groan. It felt like someone was sittin’ in the middle of his brain screamin’ at the top of their lungs.

He put an arm over his ear, tryin’ to get ‘em to shut up.

He opened his eyes again.

Someone really was screamin’.

He pushed himself up on his hands and ignored that sick feelin’. Peered around with one eye.

It was dark, but a streetlight was shinin’ near his window.

Amante. Right.

The screamin’ started up again.

“Shut up!” Shouting hurt. Echoed in his forehead.

He turned and put his feet on the floor. He was still wearin’ shoes. An’ pants. No shirt.

How the hell did he get here?

His shoulder slammed into the wall when he went for the door. Hurt like hell. He jerked the door open and stuck his head in the hall. Even with his eyes squeezed shut against the gorram light, he could tell the screaming was coming from the room across the hall.

River’s room.

He pounded on the door, pressin’ his other hand against his eyes.

Where the gorram hell was the doc?

He pounded again. Opened the door.

She was on the bed. He could barely see her in the light comin’ in from the hall. But she was definitely the one screamin’.

“Knock it off!”

He winced as the words knocked around in his brain.

She stopped. Sounded like she was chokin’.

He could see her hands clawing at the air. See her legs kickin’.

She coughed, took a breath, an’ screamed again. Weaker this time.

“Gorramit, girl!”

His head was pounding. He could hear his blood in his ears.

Jayne moved toward the bed. She was thrashin’ so much he could barely get a hold of her shoulders.

She stopped screaming when he grabbed her. Went all limp.

He lifted her shoulders off the bed. Her head lolled back on her neck.

Creeped him out real bad. He shook her. Gentle-like.

“River.”

She gasped and jerked her head up. She didn’t scream, but her mouth was open. She thrashed and kicked and bucked, tryin’ to get away from him. Her eyes were open. He could see the light glinting off them.

But he knew she couldn’t see him. Whatever she was seein’… it weren’t him.

Jayne grunted when her nails bit into his arms and gouged lines down to his wrists.

“River! Gorramit, girl, it’s me!”

She swiped at his face and stuck a knee in his ribs. Pushed so hard he felt a crack.

He did the only other thing he could think of.

He dropped her shoulders. Let her fall back on the bed. And he slapped her.

She took a breath like she was comin’ up from water. She wasn’t thrashin’ no more, but he could feel her shiverin’.

She didn’t move for a long time, ‘cept the shiverin’. Jayne sat on the bed for a bit. Watched her breathing and figured she was probably asleep again.

He got up. Turned for the door, catching a glimpse of his arms as he did.

Gorram girl had done a real number on ‘em.

“They’re all at the homestead. Washing up after Wash.”

He turned back to her.

She was sitting up, smack dab in the middle of the bed, her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around ‘em.

“Oh.”

“I promised I would be fine. I promised.”

Ai ya.

She started cryin’.

Her voice was real hoarse from all that screamin’. She let out these little pathetic sobs that made Jayne real uncomfortable.

He sighed. Looked across the hall at his room.

Every inch of him ached. His arms stung. His head felt like a rock.

But somethin’ in his head, behind the achin’, told him some of them tears belonged to him. For what he’d done.

Made him feel like a gorram monster.

He pulled the door shut and went back to River’s bed. He stood by her, lookin’ down at her. Reached out a careful hand and touched her hair.

She turned her face. Brushed her cheek against his palm.

Before his brain could come up with a reason for him not to, Jayne sat on the bed and slipped an arm around her. He leaned back against the wall and pulled her against him, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

She curled up against him. Pressed her face against his neck and slid her arm across his belly, holdin’ on to him. He could feel her tears on his shoulder. Her breath on her neck. He could smell her hair. Feel her body warming against his.

Lao-tyen boo.

He was liable to start cryin’ himself.

He held her, silent, until she stopped makin’ those sad noises. Then until she stopped shiverin’.

He would have thought she was asleep if it hadn’t been for the way her thumb was rubbing against his side.

She needed to stop that.

“You okay?” His voice was gravelly.

He cleared his throat and she shifted.

She didn’t answer right away.

“Why didn’t you catch me?”

Jayne tried to look down at her. Caught her hair in his beard.

“What was ya dreamin’ about so hard?” He knew he was changing the subject. He rubbed his chin with the hand that wasn’t on her arm.

She sighed. Made the nerves on his neck shoot messages all over the place.

“Monsters.”

The way she said it was so… sad.

Jayne realized for the first time that this girl had faced more monsters—more real life horrors—than he ever would.

He put his other arm around her and pulled her closer. Put his cheek on the top of her head and clung to her like he could take it all away.