BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL

MIRAMEL

first fanfic
Sunday, November 6, 2005

im not much for writing at all, but the idea occured to me so i figured i'd give it a shot.


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2687    RATING: 8    SERIES: FIREFLY

Kaylee munched a protean bar, doing her best to ignore the taste. Wash and Jayne were washing the dishes, and Simon was in the corner trying to convince River that scribbling all over Jayne’s knife blade with crayons was not the best idea in the ‘verse.

“Remind me again why we agreed to deliver goods to this backwards moon which may or may not be on the brink of war?” Jayne asked around a mouth of bread.

"Well, if you can call a few poorly organized riots a war”

“Guess it didn’t seem like such a bad idea when we were getting paid” Wash said.

“Granted, that was back when these mafia guys weren’t blowin up every ship what landed here…” Kaylee stood up and started clearing the table.

“Reckon the captain wasn’t overly concerned with bein’ caught, given that this corner of the verse aint seen alliance in years.” She said.

“Speakin o which, he ‘an Zoe should be back soon”.

The narrow brick-paved alley seemed to block out the little daylight left as Zoe and Mal made their way back to Serenity.

“You sure this was the way we came, sir? Zoe asked.

“Sure… this way… or, another…” Zoe sighed.

“Would be a pity to have a deal go as smooth as that only to get lost on the way back” she said, with just a hint of mockery in her voice.

“Hey, it was a lot lighter goin’ in. I wasn’t figuring it to get dark that fast is all”

“Yes sir.”

“I have an elaborate plan to get us back in half the time” said mal, who was getting less and less sure of the way by the minute.

“Hey! You their!” a bright light ahead momentarily blinded Zoe, and she made out the shapes of two of the local peace-keepers.

“What are you two doing in this part of town? Off-limits to civilians!”

“Terribly sorry officer… I’m not rightly sure where here is anyway… Zoe, does this look new to you?”

“Certainly does, sir. Can’t say I’ve been here before”. The two officers came closer, the points of their stun-guns leveled at Mal and Zoe.

“Well, you’d best not be here now! Come with us, we-“ The man broke off gurgling, as three inches of steal appeared in a blood-filled whole in his throat. The other man had time only to gape at him before his head was neatly severed from his throat. Mal’s gun was halfway out of its holster when a cold barrel touched the back of his neck, making him think better of it. He slowly dropped his pistol in put his hands in the air, glancing and Zoe to see her doing the same.

“Is this part of your elaborate plan, sir? Zoe asked.

“Browncoats, eh?” asked the man in front of them, now holding a bloody knife. He picked up the lantern the lawman had dropped, illuminating the scene to show himself and another, both holding long knifes, and dressed in various odds and ends.

“Well this’ll do quite well, just exactly what were looking for.” Raising his voice, he called

“Alright boys, we’ll take ‘em back, see what Fade has to say ‘bout this lot!” he strode past them chuckling, and mal felt the gun nuzzle on his neck prod him forward.

River had given up with the crayons, and was now trying to figure out why Simon didn’t seem to want her to eat the pretty flowers.

“Just for looking, mei-mei, not eating” Simon said. He held up a protein bar.

“See? This you can eat...” She made a face. He sighed. Jayne looked up from cleaning off his knife.

“You’d best keep her a way from my ruttin knifes. She might… slip… and hurt herself.” A nasty smiled played across his face. Turning to wash, he said

“where’s Cap’n and Zoe got to? Wasn’t they supposed to be back by now?” River tilted her head, wearing a melancholy expression

“Not coming back. Off for fighting, made to fight now. Guns on the rack. Good for killing, made to kill.”

Mal was wet, cold, and more then a little upset. In the last half-hour they had entered a sewer, and then wandered around in the catacombs since. Presumably they were headed somewhere, but all sewers looked the same to him. The man in front slowed up suddenly, and motioned for the men to stop. After a moment mal heard something from above, maybe and aircraft of some sort. The man in front slunk to the wall and motioned for the others to join them.

“We ain’t supposed to use these entrances” he muttered to the man next to him, softly enough that mal had to strain to hear him

“but we cant keep going like this, that’s the fifth patrol in two hours”. The man ran his hand slowly along the wall until he reached a notch which presumably had some significance. Pressing down and in, he gave the wall a good kick, and a small door swung noiselessly in. Mal followed him in, grateful that his hands had not been tied, as he could see nothing in the darkness. There was a stairway, crudely carved out of stone, leading down. About 50 steps later he blinked in the sudden bright light. When he could see again, he gasped. A huge cavern, at least 100 yards wide and long, stretched before him. A string of lamps had been strung up on the ceiling, providing a good deal of light. Except for the lights and the fact that it was underground, the whole scene looked not unlike many camps he had stayed at during the war. The group of men that had been following them broke off in various directions, most heading for tents. The man in charge and the one he had been talking to motioned them to follow. Exchanging a confused look with Zoe, he did so. The man weaved around the tents that dotted the cavern to one particularly large pavilion.

“Sergeant Malcolm Reynolds!” Mal looked around to see a man immerging from one of the smaller tents. The man’s features were the most bland mal had seen, making it very difficult to tell if he had ever seen him before, as he would likely have forgotten.

“Fade” said the man who had brought them, saluting. The man called Fade chuckled, still staring at Mal as though he couldn’t believe it.

“Well done, Py, expert kidnapping indeed! I’ll have to start trusting you one of these days. Well, well. Malcolm Reynolds, I certainly never thought I would be fighting next to you.”

“Uh… are we fighting?” mal asked, looking around in mock confusion

“If so, enemy seems mighty docile”. Fade chuckled.

“You’ve heard, of course, that we’ve been having some trouble with the local law enforcement?”

“Well, I heard the local law enforcement had been having some trouble with you” mal shot back.

“Useless riots and petty thefts and sieges, I’m sure they seem” Fade said. “But now, ha! Malcolm Reynolds fighting for us, we’ll be unstoppable! Ah, my boy, you’ve no idea what this’ll do for moral among the troops!”

“Uh… that’s great” mal said, smiling “I’m happy for you, I am- but I’m not sure I remember enlisting. Zoe, do you remember signing up for this?”

“Can’t say I do, sir” she said. Fade threw back his head a laughed.

COMMENTS

Sunday, November 6, 2005 11:20 AM

BELACGOD


It'd make this easier to read if the paragraphs were split more. I.E, a new paragraph for every time a new character speaks.

Also amused by "protean bar"--they do seem to be able to mimic any kind of food, from bao to cake.

But seriously, the story idea has real promise--an underground Browncoat army still fighting...for some the war really never did end. It'll be amusing to watch Mal get into, or out of, this.

Sunday, November 6, 2005 11:23 AM

CUB


This is a good first effort. Your thoughts are well-composed, and there are some interesting ideas here. You also have a nice feel for how to relay action and movement.

You might want to consider breaking up your graphs into bite-sized pieces. It would be a little more inviting for the reader. Above all else, I'd recommend finding someone to beta your stories and help you improve.

Keep writing!

Sunday, November 6, 2005 1:19 PM

AMDOBELL


Interesting story and I liked the banter. Breaking up the long blocks of text would be a kindness to the reader. Keep going, you are making a great first attempt. Shiny, Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Sunday, November 6, 2005 1:41 PM

HOBANIWASHBURNE


Hey yo. <br> I agree that breaking up the lot into parts would be easier on the eyes. Keep up the good work!! Story fun. :) <br> <br> -HobanIWashburne

Sunday, November 6, 2005 2:30 PM

MIRAMEL


yeah, ok, duly noted, i'll break up the next one :) thanks all of you.

Sunday, November 6, 2005 3:34 PM

MIRAMEL


there we go. thanks :)

Monday, November 7, 2005 7:52 AM

BELLONA


i can appreciate how you feel chucking you baby out into the wilds of the blue sun room, seeing as how i'm also writing my first fic...an' i just wanted to say, this is good for a first effort. it's a challenge to write a series on your first go 'cause you have to think ahead and plan everything before someone else gets the same idea, but this has definitely got the makings of a good 'un. keep writing!

b


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first fanfic
im not much for writing at all, but the idea occured to me so i figured i'd give it a shot.