I apologize for this one, folks. I originally set out to make this an opening scene to something larger, but couldn't get the plot up and running. I always liked the "banter" scenes between the crew (like the beginning of "Out Of Gas"), and so tried to write one. I decided to leave out any descriptive text for two reasons: 1) to see if I could make it clear enough who was talking when, as a personal challenge 2) it interrupted the flow of the banter to leave narrative text

If it's too confusing, please leave me feedback, and I can repost in "script" format with indications of who is speaking.

Thank you for indulging my neurosis.

*****

"All crew members: dinner will begin at 6PM this evening, ship's time. Please be prompt and dress nicely."

"Feast? There's a feast I gotta dress up for? How dressy we talkin', River?"

"For you, Captain, no guns. Zoe, no guns for you either, and Wash has requested something with slink. Wash, Hawaiian shirts are acceptable, but please have Zoe pick one that is aesthetically pleasing. Jayne, also no guns, and you must wear pants. Simon, your usual clothes are fine, but you'll have to find the shirt Kaylee stole from your laundry. Kaylee, Simon likes that little flowered dress you have. Inara and Shepherd already know how to dress properly."

"That's quite a list, little one. What are you up to?"

"Inara and albatross are cooking tonight, and we insist that everyone must dress up and bring a date. It's a festive day."

"What? A date? Who should I bring?"

"Whoever you want - but it must be someone from onboard. No whores from town. The men must find their dates by asking the women over the comm. You first, Captain."

"Over an open comm? Why?"

"So everyone is aware of the pairings. If left up to her, albatross will assign you to Jayne."

"Oh, hell no! I ain't goin' anywhere with Mal as my date! I'd rather bring Vera."

"Your intended seems reluctant, Captain."

"Only 'cause he ain't drunk yet. I have it on good authority I look mighty fine in a dress. But I'll play along. Kaylee, get up here."

"But I got dibs on Simon!"

"Nope. You report to your quarters and put on that foofy dress. You're my date."

"Hell no, sir."

"You just tell your captain no?"

"Hell yes, sir. No ruttin' way."

"Whoa, there. You kiss Simon with that mouth?"

"More than kiss, Cap'n. Simon! C'mere!"

"Oh God. I would consider it a kindness you not sexin' our doctor on an open comm."

"She's not 'sexing' me at all, I swear!"

"Not for her lack of tryin', Doc."

"I can't help it, Cap'n. You ain't never seen him without a shirt."

"For which I am eternally grateful. Who else has a dress 'round here? Zoe? How about bein' my date?"

"To quote Kaylee: hell no, sir."

"Why not? I'm a good lookin' fella."

"While it's tempting, sir, my husband might object."

"No, please, lamby-toes. Don't let me stop the raging passion you have for Mal. You could even tell some more of your funny stories whilst hanging on his - "

"Shut up, husband. Sorry, sir, I'm going with Wash. I did marry him, which means he asked me long before you."

"You could always borrow Rex for the occasion, Mal. He hasn't been anywhere nice in a while. I can get him all gussied up for you."

"Ain't you supposed to be flyin' the ship 'stead of yammerin' on the comm, Wash?"

"Eh, probably. But this is far more entertaining."

"Inara? You listenin' to all this hilarity?"

"I'm standing next to River. We've been working on seating arrangements."

"Will you consent to be my date 'fore Jayne starts thinkin' I look cute in that dress after all?"

"I don't know. Not very flattering, being your last choice, Mal."

"I ain't asked River yet, so that would make you second to last. No offense, River."

"I can kill you with my brain."

"I knew it! Gorram moonbrain gonna kill us all!"

"Shut it, Jayne. What d'ya say, 'Nara? I'll even wash up."

"I suppose I'll manage, if only to spare River the experience. Is that arrangement suitable to you, River?"

"Albatross is pleased."

"I guess that's a yes, Mal."

"So, Captain with Inara, Wash with Zoe. Simon, you did not ask Kaylee. It is rude to assume she is agreeable."

"Well, mei-mei, I'll bet Jayne would look adorable in a dress. Maybe I should ask - OW!"

"Simon'll be goin' with me if he knows what's good for him."

"You hit me! It was a joke! I thought you liked it when I was funny!"

"Hey, give 'im one for suggestin' I wear a dress while yer at it."

"OW!"

"Turn the other cheek, Miss Frye. Corrective violence is never a solution."

"Seems to work OK so far, Shepherd. 'Sides, he likes it when I kiss it better."

"Well, then, I suppose that sometimes we must make exceptions."

"But I'm bruised and - wait. Kiss it better?"

"Love is always full of trials, son. River, I'll be bringing God as my 'date'."

"Will God need a place setting?"

"No."

"I call God's share of the food!"

"That's fine, Jayne. The Lord needs no earthly sustenance."

"Good thing I ain't God, then."

"Truer words were never spoken."

"And what about you, Miss River? Who's heart you aimin' to break this fine evening?"

"Albatross is left with Jayne. He will be her date, Captain."

"Like hell I will."

"It's either me or Vera, and I already said no guns."

"Ain't gonna stab me again, are ya?"

"Ask nicely."

"Aw, gorramit. You be my date, crazy girl?"

"Nice enough. Albatross agrees."

"I certainly don't!"

"Bi zui, ge ge."

"Aw, ain't this romantic? We got four couples on board - five, if ya count the shepherd an' God. It's so sweet! We all just get paired off like we was meant for the other. It's - "

"My sister is not meant for Jayne!"

"Mal and I are not a pair!"

"She means us, sugar-dumpling. And maybe Mal and Rex."

" - like a cruise, with soft music and good food and big bath tubs and comfy beds and shirtless doctors and - "

"Kaylee?"

"Yeah?"

"Go back to molesting Simon."

"Right away, Cap'n!"