A/N Joss's 'verse, but I'm having a heck of a lot of fun playin' here... Go back and read the Other Parts: 1 2 3A 3B 4 5 6

Choices - Part 7 by 2x2

She woke the moment she felt him leave her bed.

His weight shifted the mattress ever so slightly and there was the sudden loss of his warmth against her back. She could hear him moving about the room, gathering his clothes quickly and quietly, obviously trying not to wake her.

And she felt her heart breaking to know that her deepest fears weren’t unfounded. He’d had what he wanted and was leaving before he had to deal with any of the messy consequences.

He was a man, just like any other, after all.

She’d laugh at her own naiveté if it didn’t hurt so much.

She feigned sleep as he dressed, unable to bring herself to challenge him, and only as she heard him slide the hatch closed behind him did she give in to the ache, her tears falling to the pillow she clutched against her body. How could he have just left, without saying anything? How could he have just… used her? In all her years as a Companion, she’d never once felt like a whore.

Until now.

Oh, she was a fool. She had wanted him so much, but tian a, why had she let this happen? She had been jealous that Mal had shared himself with Nandi; she’d wanted to be the one to know him in that way. And she had thought the pain she felt when she had run into him in the hall as he left her friend’s bed had been unbearable. But this…

This was worse. This was so much worse.

You have to pull yourself together, she told herself, forcing her limbs to move, to get out of the bed, trying to ignore the combined smell of the two of them that still lingered in her sheets. She’d half expected something like this… Oh, but she didn’t want to believe it. Her decision to leave had been the right one, she knew that now, especially now. She only wished she could have gotten away from Serenity before she had let this happen.

She pulled her robe around herself tightly and knelt before her statue of the Buddha, praying much as she had the day before – only yesterday, could it really have been just yesterday? – for guidance and the strength to endure this new trial, tears still falling as the Enlightened One remained silent and unyielding before her.

She started as she heard the hatch slide open suddenly, looking up with a gasp to see Mal standing there...

Still only half-dressed, hair at every angle… Balancing a tray, laden heavy with breakfast.

“You’re up,” he said with a smile as he maneuvered himself and the food past the door and into the room. “I thought I’d surprise you with--” He trailed off as he took in her tear streaked face. “Wha—Inara, what’s wrong?”

She turned away, covering her face with her hand as she shook, a wave of relief washing over her, the tight, constricting pain in her chest easing as she realized he hadn’t slunk away from her bed in the night at all.... Wo de tian a, he’d left to make her breakfast, the qi, qi man.

He placed the tray on her table and came to her side, crouching beside her. “Juān liàng guāng,” he whispered, smoothing her hair back from her face and she closed her eyes, aching at the endearment. “Tell me what’s wrong,” he coaxed She shook her head, looking down at her hands as the tears continued to fall, ashamed of what she had thought he’d done. Confused, but concerned for her, Mal pulled her into his embrace, pressing a kiss against her temple, frowning as it only seemed to make her cry more. “Did I do somethin’?” he asked, fear edging into his voice.

She drew in a ragged breath, forcing her voice to work. “No,” she whispered, her voice trembling. She shuddered in his arms as she struggled control her breathing and he rubbed her back, caressing her in circles.

“Are you hurt?”

She shook her head again, holding him to her tightly. “No,” she breathed against his chest. “Just—” hold me, she said silently. And marvel of all marvels, Mal seemed to understand.

“S’okay. I got you,” he said softly, his lips against her hair. She closed her eyes, absorbing the warmth of him, her ear pressed to his chest where she could hear the strong, steady beat of his heart. She drew his scent into her, gaining strength from him, feeling safe in a way that almost frightened her - to realize his presence could influence her so easily.

“I’m sorry,” she said at last, pulling back from him slightly.

“You gonna tell me what this is about?” he asked softly and she looked away. She didn’t want to tell him, knew it could hurt him if he knew what she’d thought. But it would hurt him if she didn’t tell him, too, as all the lies and secrets between them had in the past. Openness and honesty, wasn’t that what a relationship was supposed to be built on?

Ren ci do Fo zu, was that what this was – building a relationship? It certainly felt like it.

She took a deep breath, feeling she had to try. “I thought you’d left,” she said hesitantly, afraid to be leaving herself so vulnerable.

He shook his head, not understanding. “Where would I go?” he asked, chuckling, trying to lighten the mood. She shook her head

“No, I mean… I thought… when you got up without waking me… Snuck out…”

Understanding dawned in his eyes, and he stared at her, incredulous. “You mean… you thought that I had just…” he motioned toward the bed. “Just, taken what I… Lao tian ye,”

“I’m sorry,” she said again, dropping her head as she felt the sting of fresh tears. “I don’t know how to do this,” she sobbed quietly. “I’ve never had a lover before, Mal. I’ve never been with anyone, just because I… It’s only ever been Clients…I… I’ve never felt… what I feel for you… I’m afraid I’m going to do it all wrong…”

Mal blinked in surprise at her words, shocked and moved by what she was revealing to him. He placed his finger against her lips, shushing her gently, finding it hard to believe that she could be so self-doubting when he saw her as so strong and confident. He kissed her forehead tenderly, wiping the tears from her cheeks with his thumb, realizing for the first time as he looked into her face, tearful and vulnerable, how truly young she really was, despite her world-wise way. That beneath her rigidly constructed Companion façade was a woman barely out of girl-hood, who had no real experience with love.

“Bao bei. I ain’t goin’ nowhere,” he said tenderly, running a gentle hand through her hair. “And I ain’t in this just for the physicalness. ‘That’s all it were, I’d have taken things in hand my own self, long time ago. No. I’m in for the whole deal, ‘Nara, if you are. I know there’s a powerful lot we’re gonna have to sort through if we’re to try an’ make a go of this, and I know bein’ truthsome ain’t exactly one of your strong suits.” He held up a hand to appease her before she could protest. “I ain’t callin’ you a liar,” he explained. “What I mean to say is, you ain’t used to lettin’ the rest of us - me especially - see what’s really goin’ on inside you. An’ I think the thought of havin’ to scares you sommat fierce. I know I ain’t exactly given you much reason to trust me with that, but I ain’t so good with lettin’ people in either, if you hadn’t noticed.”

“You seem to be doing fairly well right now,” she said and he grinned at her, giving her an affectionate squeeze.

“Well, that’d be ‘cause I got a might powerful incentive to do so,” he said. A smile flashed across her lips briefly before she sighed.

“It’s going to be difficult,” she said, wary but hopeful at the same time. “For us both.”

“’Spect it is,” he nodded. “Conjure its worth tryin’ though.”

“Yes. I think so too.”

“Glad to hear it,” he said, smiling. He tipped her chin up and placed a gentle, chaste kiss on her lips. “Now, no more tears, tián měi. Dong ma?” he added in mock seriousness.

“Wěi, qīn qiè xīn zàng,” she whispered, and kissed him back.

* * * * *

Chinese Translations juān = beautiful/graceful liàng guāng = (n) light qí = strange/odd/weird/wonderful Ren ci do Fo zu = merciful Buddha Wo de tian a = mother of god Lao tian ye = Jesus tián měi = sweetness dong ma = understand Wěi = yes qīn qiè = intimate/close and dear xīn zàng = heart

Go to Part 8A