A/N: Throw in the standard disclaimers.

Man, I gotta figure out how to horse this sumbitch back to humor, or at least porn. Drama isn't my game. Any ideas?

In the meantime, enjoy self-righteous Mal vs. strung-out Simon. At least they have Zoe to referee.

*****

Wash had never managed to get the ship into the air so fast. Mal had been talking to him all the way back from the Alliance substation, and he lifted off as soon as the last person touched the deck, even before the cargo doors had finished closing. Despite his calls for a status update, Wash had been ignored as everyone - including Inara and River, who had been waiting on the catwalk - made a beeline for the common room and infirmary. Simon was the first one in, grabbing up the gloves and supplies prepared ahead of time as Jayne carefully set Kaylee on the exam bed. Without even an apologetic look to Inara, Simon cut the shoulder of Kaylee's dress and began to apply a dressing to her burn.

Mal was seething as he watched. This was the second time the gorram doctor had brought injury down on little Kaylee, and that was two times too many. Mal had let the first one slide, as Serenity had needed a doctor and Simon hadn't known any better. But this one was different. Simon knew to stay on the boat, and he left anyway. It didn't matter that Kaylee and Inara had prodded him into it. The Tams were simply too much of a liability to keep around any longer. He hadn't been kidding when he'd wanted to leave Simon to the Alliance - only Zoe mentioning River had changed his mind. But now that the Doctor was back in one piece, it was well past time to cut them both loose. But first, he had more pressing issues to address.

"What's the story?" he stood in the doorway to the infirmary, the rest of the crew gathered behind him, as Simon hooked Kaylee to the monitors. To all outward appearance, the captain looked relaxed, but Zoe's eyes narrowed anyway. Mal was actually very tense, and that was usually a bad sign for whoever he was angry with. Given the current state of affairs, it wasn't hard to guess who that might be. Still, she didn't move yet. She'd only defuse him if it was necessary.

"Other than the minor burns to her shoulder, she's essentially in a coma." Simon was flipping through the readouts at a furious pace, gathering as much information as he could, and managing to look everywhere in the room except at his patient or his captain. The monitors helped. The numbers and graphs were just the readings for another person in his infirmary. It wasn't actually Kaylee that way. It had been a long day, and he could feel the pressure weighing down on him as tried to shake it off.

"She gonna die?" Mal was using the same tone of voice he'd used when questioning that waiter hours eariler. He seemed oblivious to Simon's mounting stress level.

"Tenuous threads, Captain. Too many blows and the glass shatters and sparkles," River piped up from the back of the crowd. Inara laid a hand on her shoulder to shush her.

Simon sighed, finally meeting Mal's eyes. With difficulty he schooled himself into Doctor Mode so he didn't have to deal with emotions. "I don't know. Maybe. Electrocution usually kills by disrupting the rhythm of the heart. As you can see here," he motioned to a monitor, "her heart is beating just fine. However - "

"Of course there's a 'however'," Mal muttered.

" - it also scrambles the signals of most nerve pathways, including the brain. There's the possibility of nerve or brain damage, which could lead to bigger problems."

"Permanent damage?"

"Not if we catch it in time, no. But I don't have the equipment to look. All I can do is keep her stable until then."

"Who has the equipment?"

"Any hospital - like the one on Ariel, for instance - would have the scanners. They're fairly common."

Mal moved to the comm on the wall. "Wash? What's the nearest landfall we can make at full burn?"

It took a moment for Wash's voice to come back. "Other than the place we just left with the Alliance nipping our heels? Persephone's about 12 hours away if we push it. Is everyone alright down there?"

"No, things are decidedly not alright. Push it, Wash. All the way." Mal turned back to Simon. "As I recall, you spent some time of Persephone. They have what we need?"

"They should, yes."

"An' she'll just lay there until we get her to a proper hospital?"

"Most likely. She could always wake up on her own, but I can't begin to predict that."

"They have any hotels?"

Simon blinked at the change of pace. This was not a medical question. "What?" Behind Mal, Zoe stiffened, sensing where this was going. Everyone else was as confused as Simon.

"Hotels, son. They got 'em on Persephone?"

"Of course."

"Good. Since you ain't needed in here, you best pack your bags and make a reservation for you an' River. 'Cause as soon as this boat kisses soil, you're gone. Got no more room for you."

The stunned silence lasted a good ten seconds before the crew jumped in. "Mal!", Inara hissed at him, right as Book started in with a "Now, Captain...". Zoe said nothing, but waited for her opening. Just as the squabbling looked to get worse, Simon's reaction shut them all up.

He started laughing. Not a quiet chuckle, but a deep, rolling, crazy laugh that shook him so hard he nearly fell to the floor with tears streaming down his face. "You're serious, aren't you?," he choked out between gasps for breath. "You think it's my fault and you're serious." This occasioned a new fit of laughter, and it dawned on the rest of the crew that Simon had just gone well past the point his sanity could handle. After a day like today, River may not be the only crazy one in the family. Inara came up behind Mal to talk him down. It was obvious Simon couldn't take any more abuse, and they really did need him, Mal's ranting notwithstanding.

But Mal wasn't letting up. "Damn right it's your fault. Who's face tipped that waiter off, you think? This ain't a joke. You brought a world of hurt down on us - on her - again, an' now you're tellin' me ain't nothin' you can do to fix it. So you ain't needed. Only change of plan is if she dies 'fore we get there, then - "

"Oh! I've think I've heard this one before! Something about airlocks, right?" Simon laughed some more, the accusations flying right past him.

"I fail to see why you're laughin', Doctor."

"Really? Then let's review, shall we? I woke up with a pounding headache to find Kaylee naked and in bed with me, whereupon she tried to seduce me. I managed to slow her down long enough to agree to spend time in town with me instead. For once in my over-educated and under-socialized life, I did OK and didn't send the lady running for the hills within fifteen minutes. The date came to an abrupt end with the appearance of a pompous - and as it turns out, sadistic - Alliance officer manhandling us both into a hover. This marked the beginning of the torture session, in which I had the pleasure of watching the bastard shock the hell out of Kaylee while I sat around tied to a chair. I now have the job of trying to find any possible damage to her brain - which, I may remind you, now marks the second woman under my care that's had her brain endangered by the Alliance." Simon took a deep breath, the crazy still in his eyes. "You can see how threatening me with simple abandonment is fairly humorous."

Oddly, no one else found it funny. They just stared.

River reacted first. She came forward and poked him on the arm. "Simon. Time to work." She pointed at Kaylee, still on the exam bed.

"Apparently not anymore. I believe the captain just relieved me of duty." Simon's rational brain was gone, buried under too much stress. He giggled.

"Doc's gone woolly. Might have to put him down," Jayne mumbled. Book nodded slightly in agreement and began to shift his weight forward, hoping that if it came to it he could disable Simon without seriously harming him.

River scowled at Simon, while feeling Book moving but not paying him much attention. This had happened once before, right as Simon was completing his residency. He'd been up 72 hours straight with little food, and despite his best efforts he lost a patient, which Simon always found devestating. He'd wandered home after that shift and sat in his room, staring at the wall and not responding to external stimulus. Mother had finally broken through to him by playing to the one thing Simon prized above all.

"Simon, dear." No one in the room besides Simon had ever met Mrs. Tam, but River was doing a dead-on impression of her. "Enough of this. Your patients need you."

And that was the magic word. Mother had understood something critical: Simon defined himself by how much he was needed by others, and the thought of not being useful broke him. Accolades, lofty positions, money, threats; none of those things really motivated him, as Mal was discovering. But find someone who required something only he could give, and he was unstoppable. River herself was proof of that. She just had to remind him.

Simon blinked a few times, and his eyes focused on his sister. "River."

"You promised you'd fix her and wouldn't leave, Simon."

He rested his forehead against hers a moment. "Shr ah, mei-mei. Give me room to work now, OK?" He moved to the counter and began to gather supplies while looking up treatment options in the computer.

River smiled sweetly as she turned to leave. Passing Mal, she gave him a swat on the stomach. "Fixed now. Play nice."

Now that Simon appeared to be coherent again, Mal remained unmoved. "Doc, despite the creepifyin' display from little sis - again - I do believe you still got some packin' to do."

Simon didn't even look up from his charts and medicines. "No, captain. Please leave."

Mal's eyes widened in disbelief. "You just give me an order in my own infirmary?"

Simon shook his head and looked up. "You're mistaken, Captain. When there is a patient in this room, it's my infirmary. Now, please," Simon stressed the 'please', "get the hell out."

Zoe saw it was time. Mal's gun had almost cleared the holster when her hand landed heavily on his shoulder. "Sir. Need to speak with you."

"I'm busy, Zoe." He glared at Simon with cold fury. To hell with throwin' them off the boat. He'd settle for killin' the bastard right here.

"Right now, sir. Wash'll be needin' an update on the situation." Zoe's tone left no room for argument, not even from her captain.

Mal and Simon stared each other down for a while before Mal relented. "Fine. But you an' me gonna finish this when we hit Persephone, Doctor."

"Won't that be fun," Simon answered, now with a touch of humor in his voice. They both remembered the last time he'd said those words. Mal glared one last time and left with Zoe, Jayne following behind. Book left for his quarters, most likely to fetch his bible.

Inara quickly entered the infirmary, and laid a hand on Simon's shoulder. "I'm sorry Mal had to do that. He's just worried and is showing it poorly."

"He's right, Inara. It is my fault." For a second Inara was afraid he'd crack again, but Simon visibly gathered himself. "But River's right, too. I'm needed. At least for now."

Inara gave him a squeeze, and quietly left the room, bringing River with her.

Even though he'd just banished the entire crew to let him work, Simon found there was really nothing for him to do but watch and wait. Setting his charts back on the counter, he sat down on his stool, held Kaylee's hand and smoothed out her hair. "Well," he started, trying to keep a light tone. "That was bracing. So where were we before all this hilarity started?" Simon thought a moment. "Oh, yes. Well, that restaurant actually reminded me of this dinner party we once had...."