The Adventures Of Hallucinogenic Jayne Jayne felt light, like he was floating on air. Standing next to him, on a patch of purple sand was a man taller than Jayne, with a peg leg and an eye patch. He'd heard about this man's type, when he was younger at school he'd heard tales of pirates from Earth that Was. The pirate had a bright green bird sitting on his shoulder, turning to him it said in a deep crooning voice "Wise men say, only fools rush in." ****************** One hour earlier "Now Jayne, you stand here, once I come out, if I give ya the signal you start shootin' but only if can ya remember that?" Mal asked the hulking mercenary. "Yeah Mal, I think by now I'm mighty good at workin out when it's time for pointin' and firin' considerin the amount o times you get your ass shot at." Jayne growled, glaring at his Captain and readjusting Vera's weight in his hands. It was hot and he was irritable. Mal walked inside, he had the goods and hopefully it'd be a simple exchange, but when you're dealing with the sorta person that'd shoot you rather than respect the sanctity of a deal you could never be sure.

Jayne wiped the sweat from his forehead and took a swig from his canteen. He didn't notice the small urchin sneaking down the darkened alley, he didn't notice the glint of the needle until it was being stabbed into his arm. The mercenary fell like a ton of bricks. ****************** Present time onboard Serenity "Whatever they gave him it knocked him out cold." Simon looked puzzled at Jayne's blood work. "I can try a few different combinations to bring him out, but the adrenalin shot didn't work and he has a fever so I'm not sure what we can do, it's not an obvious toxin." Mal frowned, "All right Doc, keep me posted." He left the room muttering something about getting the money at a price.

"Jayne, sweetheart, put your hat on before you go out, it's so cold outside." Jayne looked towards his bunk where Simon lay, hand outstretched trying to hand him his bright orange beanie. Jayne knew that most of the crew thought his hat looked silly, but Simon didn't. Simon told him once he thought it looked 'cute' and so what if it wasn't manly to be cute. Simon called him other things when they were alone in the dark. "Jayne, come and help me." It was lil Kaylee calling him, just like his sister Mattie used to. "Jayne help, I can't catch the gorram geese." Frowning he followed the girl's voice to the engine room. The floor was covered with geese. "There's one Jayne- grab it will you, ya know Serenity needs them to keep her runnin' and we don't wanna lose 'em Captain'll be so mad if we lose 'em." Jayne reached out and grabbed one by it's body, like Kaylee showed him and it turned to cement in his fingers. Inara ducked her head around the corner. "So Jayne you're the reason the stone geese are all over the 'verse." She said pointing at the stone geese. Kaylee clapped her hands together "Oh Inara will help me now, she sings them to sleep." She flashed Jayne a big grin as he left.

Simon was frustrated. He had decided that Jayne had been given a hallucinogen, that was the most likely conclusion. But it wasn't responding like one. "Simon, maybe we need to let this run it's course." It was Kaylee's voice behind him. "You said his fever was better." Simon frowned he knew the mechanic was trying to help "Only marginally, and I have no idea what this could be doing to his mind, not until he wakes up." Kaylee beamed at him and he knew that he should feel something towards her but all he felt was concern and something else he couldn't name. "Wash and Zoe are makin' chow tonight-- it should be ready, come on Simon, you need to eat. Jayne will be Ok." Kaylee took his arm and once again something tugged at Simon's heart.

"Jayne!" River cried out and ran to him, Jayne swept River up off the ground and spun her around in a circle. "Where've you been little one?" He asked. She just laughed enjoying that Jayne was finally happy with her. "Playing with geese and a pirate- he has the parrot that sings- did you hear it?" He nodded. "Oh and I was talking to Simon- he's worried you won't wake up. It's his birthday tomorrow, and wouldn't that make a shiny present, if you woke up?"

Simon walked into the infirmary, and almost dropped the bowl he was carrying. "River!" He yelled, "River, sweetheart come on now, you have to let Jayne rest." Wash stood at the door- almost too schocked for words. "Interesting treatment method Doc." He quipped, trying to defuse the tension. River had gotten into the med-lab and had climbed up onto Jayne's chest, curled up there like a cat, she was beaming and had wrapped her arms around Jayne's big shoulder. "I, this isn't.. River get down now!" He could feel his temples throbbing. "Yes River, get off the scary corpse-like mercenary before he wakes up and squishes you." Wash walked in and took River's hand helping her down. "You know if you cause your brother a heart attack," he remarked conversationally to River "Capt'n won't let you have his stuff." Wash led her out of the infirmary as Simon threw him a thankful smile. He took a mouthful of the soup Zoe had made, it was tomato flavouredm they didnt' have real tomatoes but Zoe had done wonders anyway. "Now Jayne let me see how you're doing."

Jayne lay in a bath it was red and smelt like the tomato soup his ma used to make. He tasted it, running his hand through it 'mmm' he thought 'rich and creamy, just like Simon's kisses.' Something brushed against his foot and squeaked. Looking down into the redness he saw what it was that squeaked, it was a rubber duck. "Gorram it duck, aren't you s'posed ta float." Jayne grabbed it clumsily and pulled at it, realising too late that it was the plug, he was being sucked down the hole with the soup- his ma had always told him not to be scared, that he would never fit down there because he was too big, but there he was being sucked down with all that soup. He landed with a thud, naked and shivering. Standing in front of him was a woman he'd never seen before, long red hair hung down past her waist, it hung in red waves, 'like an ocean of tomato soup' he thought. "Hello Jayne," She said sweetly "I've waited a long time for you to meet me." She watched him carefully, he could feel every muscle being scrutinised. "You have?" He didn't believe someone so beautiful could have been waiting for him. She put her hands on his shoulders and leaned in slowly, tilting his head down to catch her mouth. He wrapped his arms around her and felt a change, she grew slightly taller and her shoulders became broad- he tried to pull away, unsure of what was happening. Her body continued to change and he couldn't do anything to stop it. The feeling of panic fuelled her kiss, pushing her tongue deep into his mouth he almost couldn't bear the heat any longer. His hands tangled in her hair, trying desperately to pull her head away, instead her hair began to pull away in his hands. Finally Jayne managed to tear away. Relieved at what he found.

Simon stood watching Jayne, completely baffled at what was going on. The man was dreaming, which was a good sign and every now and then he'd twitch or move which was an even better sign. His fever had come down considerably and even though Simon knew he probably had better things to do on his birthday he ha to be here when Jayne woke up, just to know the man would be ok. It had been an hour of him just watching Jayne when he began to stir and Simon felt a sense of relief. He felt more than relief, he had done a lot of thinking while he'd been watching Jayne over the past twenty four hours, and he'd begun to realise why he hadn't felt anything for Kaylee, not anything real anyway. Jayne opened his eyes groggily and felt a warmth on his mouth, Simon's warmth. He wasn't sure how he knew it was Simon, but he found himself responding to Simon's kiss as if it was the most normal thing in the world. When Simon felt the mercenary's hands run through his hair he backed away. "I'm sorry- I didn't, I overstepped my bounds I apologise." Jayne sat up slowly, feeling like death warmed up. "Don't be Doc I'm not." He paused for a second and then reached for the good doctor. "Happy Birthday Simon." He said resuming the kiss.

"Oh I am going to need a lot of alcohol to block this memory out." Wash muttered to Serenity, as she was the only around. "And I'm starting now." He headed to where he knew Mal kept his 'special whisky.'