Shiny New Toys 8: Brains And Guns
Thursday, January 5, 2006

The plan swings into action and almost immediately goes south. Who could have guessed?


A/N: I know I'm pumping these things out quick, but this chapter was great fun to write. I'm sure I'll slow down eventually.


"OK, folks, we play this nice an' easy. Jayne, you keep sis in there for twenty seconds tops, then run like hell, you got me?"

"I got, Cap."

"OK, let's do it. I'll give you the signal, Jayne." Mal and Zoe, dressed in their EMT uniforms, strode purposefully over to an orderly helping an elderly woman out of a wheel chair and into a hover. "Son?", Mal addressed the orderly, "We're going to need this wheelchair right away. A young lady's had a run in with a downed power line, and time is of the essence." Zoe managed to keep her face neutral, but was inwardly impressed with Mal's change of diction.

"Of course, sir. Has she been cleared with receiving yet?" The orderly consulted a small datapad in his pocket, ready to look up Kaylee's file. He had to account for all the equipment.

Simon had been hanging back, carrying Kaylee in his arms - Inara had changed her out of the party dress and back into her usual coveralls to support the "power line" story - but decided to step forward. The stalwart captain was about to be tripped up by the one thing he could never master: bureaucracy. Luckily, Simon was an expert. "I'm sorry, Mr. - " he checked the orderly's nametag - "Hanson, is it? There's really no time, this is a cardiac emergency, and pursuant to section 116.5 of the Osirian Medical Protocols, I am requesting immediate medical assistance for my patient." He nodded down to Kaylee. "Are we going to have a problem here?"

Hanson didn't know this new doctor, but then, they got a new shipment of residents every few months, and he really couldn't manage to keep them all straight. The boy had the look of a Core doctor - prissy, arrogant, and definitely ready to make trouble for someone's career - and so Hanson decided not to push it. "No problem at all, sir. The boss just started cracking down on procedure last week, you know, and - " He trailed off as Simon's expression showed he was not amused. "Anyway, here you go, sir. Just be sure to check in with the desk, OK?" Simon didn't even bother to answer him, busying himself with arranging Kaylee in the chair. Once he was satisfied, they wheeled her away without a word.

"Gotta say, Doc", Mal said once they were out of earshot, "that was right impressive how you dressed that boy down. I might think you had some practice with the orderin' peons about."

"Yes, it did go rather well, didn't it?"

"It did, but don't jinx us, son. That was the easy part. Said so yourself." Mal lifted his comm. "You're on, Jayne."


"You ready, girl? Twenty seconds, an' then we get gone. Stay behind me an' if anything happens, bolt. Got it?" River nodded her understanding. "OK, then. Here we go." Jayne gave Wash - who was still seated in the cockpit of shuttle two - a sign through the window to indicate they were on their way. Wash waved back. Pausing to pull a small pistol out of his pocket - he was keeping his heavier weapons in his backpack so as to remain a little less obvious - Jayne stopped with his hand on the door and looked at the youngest Tam. "Time for some thrillin' runnin' like hell." River smiled as Jayne yanked the door open and stepped into the room.

Good gorram, that alarm was loud. Jayne instinctively covered his ears with both hands, forcing him to let go of the door. It quietly swung shut behind them.

Jayne didn't know it at the time, but he had just humped the plan.


"Whoa! We got alarms all over the place! It's going down, folks." Wash was monitoring the hospital and radios from inside his shuttle and now was giving all the other teams the green light. "Get moving and bring me back a healthy mechanic!"

"Got it, Wash, landing now." Inara and Book, on shuttle one, brought the craft in for as clean a landing as possible, trying to remain unobtrusive. Book was wearing black cargo pants, a black shirt, and a black beret - not a real Alliance uniform, but at quick glance it looked official. Inara had dressed in her medium quality clothing - not enough to draw undue attention, but enough to command respect as a high-class lady. "You ready, Shepherd?"

Book gave Inara a mock salute. "Indeed. Let's rescue our wayward flock."


"Guess that's the signal. Move." Mal led his group at a slow trot, not fast enough to get attention, but just fast enough to look like they were on a medical mission. Once inside the building - with, as Simon had predicted, no one bothering to notice them through the alarms and shouting - Simon quickly led the way to a back room. Inside was the scanner he was looking for. While not as complex as the 3D NeuroImager he had needed for River, it was still an impressive piece of machinery. He quickly hoisted Kaylee onto the bed and started the diagnostic sequence.

"How long, Doc?" Mal and Zoe had taken up station on either side of the door, ready to drop anyone who came nosing in.

"About ten minutes. This machine can diagnose basic brain or other tissue damage, and in most cases repair it." He quickly looked around the room. "In the meantime, let's gather what we can. There should be some standard medicines in that cabinet there" - he pointed to a locker next to Zoe - "and we'll want all of these we can grab." He began to scoop up what looked like datapads and small electronic devices, putting them into a sack Zoe pulled from her pocket.

"You know, I like that you're into the thievin'. Gettin' into the family business an' such." Mal gave Simon an approving nod as he stuffed things into his own sack. Mal really had no idea what he was grabbing, but if it wasn't physically attached to the wall, it was going in the bag.

"Not really, Captain. This?" Simon held up a small device. "This is a handheld version of the machine Kaylee's in. It can't repair damage, but it can help me diagnose. It will be extremely useful for River." He stopped talking as the bigger machine beeped at him. Running over to check the display, Simon actually smiled a true and genuine smile for the first time in days. "Even better than I'd hoped. We'll be ready in two minutes." Without stopping to worry about his audience, he leaned over and kissed Kaylee's forehead. "You're doing good, bao bei. Hang in there."

Zoe managed to give Mal an "I told you so" grin as she emptied another shelf.


"Damn! We're humped!" Wash had just heard exactly what he didn't want to hear, and had just watched the door close behind Jayne and River. The Feds had decided that River was too sweet of a catch, and had locked down the building while calling for reinforcements. "Mal! Mal! Can you hear me?" Hopefully those bastards hadn't started jamming comm signals yet.

"What is it, Wash?" Mal's voice was a bit static-y, but he could be heard.

"Bad news. You got a bunch more Feds coming in, and all the doors just locked. Jayne and River are trapped on the inside."

"I can try to open the door from out here, but I'll need some time." Book and Inara had run to the back door and Book was examining the electronic lock plate. "Miss Serra? May I?" He pointed to her hair. Inara nodded and extracted a bobby pin. Book took it and began picking at the innards of the lock. "Ironic that Kaylee would probably be best at getting us out of this, don't you think?" Inara could only agree.

"Take it easy, Wash, we ain't dead yet. How do we get out?" Mal was remaining calm under fire.

Wash flipped some more switches, sending the shuttle's sensors into overdrive. "OK, Mal, here's the deal. The back door is about two hundred yards down the hall to your right. Jayne and River are making a stand there. Book is trying to open the lock, but he'll need some time to do it." Wash flipped even more switches. "Damn. Sensors aren't good enough; I can't tell how many Feds there are. If we ever get Kaylee out in one piece, I suggest she works on that."

"Just tell Jayne not to shoot us by mistake, Wash."

"Aye, aye, Captain."


"Ta ma de". Mal cracked the door and looked outside. A good dozen soldiers trotted down the hall, taking up positions behind any available cover. Damn. Time to run this by the resident mastermind. "Doc? 'Member how you gave us 'bout a sixty-forty chance of livin'?"

Simon wasn't really paying attention. He had moved Kaylee back to the wheelchair and was kneeling down next to her, checking her pulse and shining his penlight into her eyes, looking for some sign that she was getting better. "Yes, why?"

"What would you say 'bout the plan if I told you we just had a dozen well armed Feds march by and take up post 'tween us an' the exit?"

Simon's head snapped up. "That would be very, very bad."

"Thought so." With a resigned sigh, Mal reached into his pockets, producing two pistols. Zoe broke out her own weapon as Mal handed his smaller gun back to Simon. "Keep runnin'. Anyone gets past me an' Zoe, you point an' pull the trigger 'til they ain't movin' no more. We ain't stoppin' 'til your little lady there's back on the boat. Jayne an' your sis are right by the back door, so we'll hook up with them on the way. Make me proud, doctor."

"River's being shot at?!" Simon started for the door, but was stopped by Mal's arm.

"Let Jayne worry 'bout River. You just worry 'bout Kaylee an' I'll worry 'bout you, an' we'll all be fine an' get piss drunk once we're out in the Black, dong ma?"

Simon looked back at Kaylee. His eyes narrowed and he nodded to Mal. "Got it."

"What about me, sir? Anyone I should worry 'bout?" Zoe flashed her captain a sarcastic smile.

"Me. Just like always." Giving her a "what the hell, here we go" look, Mal started yelling into the comm. "Wash! Jayne! Plan B!" He stuffed the comm back in his pocket and pulled open the door, just in time to hear a "YEE HAW!" echo down the hall.

"Sounds like Jayne got the message, sir." Zoe hefted her bag and cocked her gun.

"'Pears so, Zoe. Let's move."


"Now this is what I'm talkin' 'bout!" Jayne popped his head above his makeshift barricade and burned another clip, forcing the advancing Feds back into cover. He'd grabbed as much office furniture as he could muster once it had become obvious that the exit was locked. Piling it up in the hallway, it made a fair blockade against the Feds until Wash and Book could jimmy the door from the outside. Now he and River were crouched down behind the mess, and Jayne had opened his backpack and brought Vera out to play as soon as Mal called "Plan B." At least the Feds weren't using heavy weapons. They were probably afraid of seriously damaging River, but that worked in Jayne's favor, too. Looking to his left, he was just in time to grab River's head and yank her back down before she got it shot off. "Gorramit, moonbrain! Keep yer head down! Your brother's smart an' all, but I'm damn sure he can't put it back on it gets removed."

River rolled her eyes. "Bullets would have missed by 3/16th of an inch. Whoosh!" She pantomimed wind blowing in her hair. A clinking noise caught her attention, and spying something new on the ground, she held it up for Jayne to see. "What's this?"

Jayne looked down and very nearly wet himself. The little nutjob was holding a small metal cylinder that looked suspiciously like a stun grenade. "We don't want it!"

River shrugged, bored already, and flung it over the barricade. While it looked like a casual toss, Jayne noted that the grenade made three perfect bounces off of the ceiling, floor, and wall, finally landing right in the midst of a group of Alliance soldiers, where it promptly exploded. "Gorram, Crazy. It true what Kaylee said 'bout you shootin' up Niska's place?" Jayne grinned even wider as River nodded. "Hell then. Take this an' thin the herd. Just watch out for our people to be comin' down that hallway soon." He handed River his pistol, which also had the advantage of freeing another hand for use with Vera. Jayne was only too happy to set his favorite gun on full auto.

River considered the weapon in her hands. "Captain said no touching guns, Jayne."

"Well, he ain't here, so I'm revokin' that rule on account of all them pissed off Feds. Just start up with the mathematics already."

"Hmmm. I believe Simon's plan is 'going all to hell', as you would say." River craned her neck, watching the shadows on the ceiling and muttering something under her breath. Without looking, she shoved her hand over the barrier and shot a soldier right in the face. "He will be displeased with that, but happy when Kaylee is better."

"Kaylee's gonna be OK, then? Well, at least somethin' went right." Jayne took a potshot at some movement in the smoke.

"Yes. I knew you guys would hump up the plan." River reached up, caught a grenade in mid-flight, and threw it back to its owner. "Good thing I'm here. You all take so much looking after."


Thursday, January 5, 2006 7:34 PM


Loved this, loved this, loved this! And love you for churning these chapters out so quickly! And I really loved the last part with Jayne and River...and I'm gonna stop saying love now, but this was just really cool. Great job :)

Thursday, January 5, 2006 9:13 PM


could you have some more fun and pump out the next cahpter? Can't wait to see what's next and love the what the hell, here we go line, I could so see his face at that moment!:):):)

Thursday, January 5, 2006 9:50 PM


Great job. The cliff hanger is unbarable. I cant wait for the next installment.

Friday, January 6, 2006 2:34 AM


My favourite part is River's line right at the end where she tells Jayne that they all take so much looking after. *Dangran*, Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Friday, January 6, 2006 6:56 AM


Loved it!! Best yet!! I need more gorram it!

Friday, January 6, 2006 12:43 PM


is there any chance i could get this on an IV? *grin*


Friday, February 17, 2006 11:07 AM


Jayne and River, the perfect fighting team!
I LOVE their side of the battle...
and 'YEE HAW!' - I laughed some more diet coke out of my nose...

Tuesday, October 3, 2006 12:38 PM


Jayne and River were a hoot. And Jayne's excitement over Plan B made me giggle.

Sunday, December 17, 2006 1:53 PM


I'm with Leiasky. I have to say though, the best line EVER:

River considered the weapon in her hands. "Captain said no touching guns, Jayne."

"Well, he ain't here, so I'm revokin' that rule on account of all them pissed off Feds. Just start up with the mathematics already."


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In The Ether 13: Secret Agent Man
Simon takes a turn at super spy as the crew tracks him down.

In The Ether 12: Motivations
A brief history of Simon Tam

In The Ether 11: Telling
Simon and Regan tell each other off, Jayne tells Kaylee a little story, and Wash tells everybody about basic chemistry. Bonus: Jayne actually quotes Shakespeare! Kind of.

In The Ether 10: Technical Difficulties
Jayne goes trophy hunting, Kaylee and Wash attempt to explain technical things to Mal, and eventually everyone realizes that they left something at the last stop.

Generic S/K Plot Outline
Inspired by a story posted at, I present the outline of pretty much every S/K fic out there (including my own, so no one take it personal-like).

Dino Tales: Loss
The dino army mourns the loss of one of their own.

The Old Switcheroo
Jayne and Simon wake up with unique perspectives on life.

In The Ether 9: Minor Complications
Jake and Jasper check out Serenity, River secures some backup, Jayne discovers his protective side, Simon gets physical, and Kaylee meets an old flame.

In The Ether 8: Lady's Choice
Zoe fixes the plan. Kaylee shows Simon how to turn up the heat.

In The Ether 7: Shore Leave
Mal gives everyone a day on Belix to calm the nerves. Wash gets suspicious. A plan is hatched.