Shiny New Toys 12: Dinos and Discussions
Monday, January 9, 2006

Wash and Inara hand out relationship advice in their own unique ways.


A/N: I don't own 'em. I just play.

12 chapters already? Holy cow. I originally planned for 5, tops. Party on!


"Ah! The humans are bowing to our every whim, Lucy!" Monroe chortled and rubbed his spindly little arms together. Their plan was moving along nicely.

"Yes, Monroe, except the stuffy one appears to be having sweaty mammalian sex with the greasy one! This could prove a problem when the crazy one is needed as the plan requires! His loyalties will be divided!" Lucy's neck swayed in trepidation.

"Worry not, Lucy!" Steggy swished his tail dramatically. "I have a backup plan to our plan! We shall call it Plan....B. In my Plan B, we send in the burly but stupid one to disrupt the sweaty mammalian sex! The stuffy one will wilt before him. The greasy one will cry as weak mammals do, forcing the tall one to kill the burly and stupid one, removing him as an obstacle to the final confrontation!"

"But what of the Amazonian goddess, Steggy? Surely she will not stand for such dirty tricks and will attempt to protect the greasy and stuffy ones from receiving interference!" Monroe was impressed with Steggy's plan, but as the carnivore in the group he had to maintain appearances and object.

"Indeed. The goddess is too smart for such simple ruses, Monroe. Thus, we must activate Plan C!" Steggy was the tactician in the group, and had expected this move from the humans.

"Yes!", Lucy cried. "Plan C will save us." Her eyes narrowed in confusion. "What is plan C, Steggy?"

"Curse you small, herbivorous brain, Lucy! We've covered Plan C several times! Plan C involves the goddess having sweaty mammalian sex with the funny and cute god!, " Steggy cried triumphantly, pleased at how all his plans worked together in perfect reptilian harmony. Yes, evolution had treated them far better than the weak mammals!

"Excellent, Steggy! We will activate Plan C immediately, assuming the goddess is not busy in the cargo bay!" Monroe waved his arms some more in great anticipation. "Now that our plans are set, we will soon rule over not only this largish, blinking land, but also the soft, plushy pilots-chair land beyond! Imagine the possibilities, my friends!"

"Excellent!" Lucy was disappointed that she didn't have arms to rub together in an evil fashion, but she made do by swaying her neck in what she considered a threatening manner. "Shall we retire from our planning and consume our feast?" Lucy's neck indicated a large pile of leaves off to the side of their meeting place.

"A fine idea, Lucy! Indeed, I am finding myself a bit peckish! Now die!" Monroe lunged at Lucy, sinking his sharp teeth into Lucy's still-swaying neck. Lucy squealed in horror, appealing to their funny and cute god to save her.

"Monroe! Control yourself!" Steggy was perturbed. "We require Lucy's contribution to mount the Engine Sequence Panel Offensive next week! It is critical to the completion of the plan!"

Wash was startled by the knock on the bridge door. He shot up out of his chair, causing Monroe and Lucy - still locked in battle - to fall to the deck. "Wash? Am I interrupting?" Simon poked his head in, pretending not have overheard the last bit of the dinosaur pow-wow taking place on the console.

"Uh, no, not at all, Doc. Come on in." Wash self-consciously smoothed his hair out, hoping the blush in his cheeks wasn't too obvious. "What can I do for you?"

"I need your help with some, uh....relationship advice." Now Simon was blushing, too.

Now that the dinos were on the floor and being studiously ignored, Wash turned his attention to Simon and nodded knowingly. "Ah. I figured something was up at breakfast. What type of advice are you looking for?"

"Well, I can't help but notice how well you and Zoe get along. And - please, don't take this the wrong way - you don't seem to have all that much in common, history-wise. So I was wondering...." Simon trailed off.

"You were wondering how we do it? And maybe if I could tell you how a doctor-turned-fugitive might work out with a certain farm-girl-turned-mechanic?"

"Something like that, yes."

"Wow, Doc. I'm kind of flattered. I get to advise the relationship of the year?"

"What?! Of the year?" Simon wasn't aware there was an official title for his interpersonal exploits.

Wash grinned. "Yeah. You're the talk of the ship. I think Mal and Jayne even had a pool going. Anyway, you're wondering how you might show the lady you care, without angering her or making her feel stupid?"

"That's the idea."

"Well, what level are you guys at?" He held up a hand as Simon started to sputter. "Whoa. Hang on there, Dr. Suave. I'm not asking you to kiss and tell - besides the fact that you wouldn't tell, there's only one woman on this boat I want to think about naked, and despite the fact that Kaylee is gorgeous, she's not her. I meant more along the lines of what general comfort level do you have with each other?"

"Oh. Well, I suppose I'm not giving anything away if I tell you she spent the night in my room."

"No, I think your sister pretty much gave that secret away this morning. Without giving me the play-by-play, was there any, uh...." Wash leaned over and grabbed Monroe off the floor, letting the dino talk for him. "Any sweaty mammalian sex?"

"Oh my God, you did not just do that." Simon put his head in his hands and collapsed into the co-pilot's chair. "But to answer you question, no. The farthest we went was a backrub."

Wash's eyebrows went up in surprise. "Not bad, Doc. Good choice for the first night. Although I regret to inform you that Jayne wins the pool." Wash smiled apologetically. "He bet that you, and I quote, 'won't have the gorram stones to bed her right an' proper the first night.'" He gave Simon a "what are you gonna do?" shrug before returning to the matter at hand. "So we're at the cuddly but not humpy stage. Hmmmm. I believe that usually calls for gifts. Do you have anything like that?"

Simon brightened a bit. "Actually, I do. I got her a little something while we were in town the other day, and was going to give it to her after dinner. As you can guess, I never got the chance."

"Well, now you do. Know what I used to do for Zoe? I'd get her little things, and just leave them in unexpected places for her to find. I'd bet if you're clever, you could find all kinds of fun nooks and crannies in that engine room."

Simon thought about this before slowly smiling. "That's a good idea. Thank you, Wash." He stood up.

"No problem, Doc. And when she appears in your bunk again tonight to thank you properly, just remember that it was my idea and your night of passion is all my doing." Wash grinned evilly.

"I'll try and not keep that in mind. Oh, and before I forget, tell Steggy that the Amazonian goddess is in the kitchen, awaiting the activation of Plan C." As Wash turned very, very red, Simon grinned just as evilly and left the bridge.


"Oh, Kaylee. You're here!" Kaylee hadn't even finished knocking on the shuttle door before Inara opened it. With a very non-Companion grab, she pulled Kaylee inside and nearly threw her onto the bed, before she turned and locked the door. "OK, mei mei. I'm going the fix the catastrophe that is your hair today, and you're going to give me every gorram detail." Inara had spent all day waiting for Kaylee to drop by.

"What makes you think there's somethin' to tell?" Kaylee tried to tease, but her blush and barely held giggles were giving her away.

"Sweetie, you got Simon Tam to come to breakfast with his hair mussed and wearing pajamas. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that took Companion level training." Inara retrieved her brush from her dresser and sat down behind Kaylee.

"'Was actually his idea. My tummy started growlin' while he was rubbin' my back, so he offered to cook for me." Kaylee sighed in remembrance.

Inara's eyebrows went all the way into her hairline. "Really? That doesn't sound like the Simon I - hey! What are these in your ears?" Inara had just noticed the two small emerald colored studs Kaylee was wearing.

"I found 'em in a box, stuffed in with my screwdrivers. Dunno who it was from, but you could say I ain't bettin' on Jayne or the Cap'n."

"They're gorgeous, and really bring out your eyes. Tianna, that boy has good taste." Inara knew they weren't real emerald - there was no way Simon could ever afford such a thing - but they were a fairly nice facimile, and cut fairly well. Simon's proper upbringing really did come in handy once in a while.

"Ya think so?"

"I do. Now, exactly what did you two get up to last night? And please be specific, I am a professional, you know." Inara giggled in anticipation.

"Well, we was real tired last night, so we went to sleep all cuddly. Turns out doctors is real warm in bed."

"I bet they are."

"An' this mornin' I woke up first, so I nibbled a bit an' woke him up, too."

"You nibbled, did you?"

"On his ear, Nara! What was you thinkin'?"

"Nothing, nothing." Kaylee could hear Inara's mischievous smile. "Just being specific. What else?"

"Well, I was kinda expectin' him to jump me, but he didn't. He did this thing with my ears."

"He did? Simon knows erogenous zones?" Now Inara was getting impressed. This doctor was more than meets the eye.

"Yeah. Made me all tingly, but not in the desparate way. More of a relaxin', fuzzy way. But then he started talkin', so I had to kiss him to shut him up."

"Good plan."

"Then he started rubbin' my back, too. Then we came in for breakfast. Did you know that was the first time any man other than my Daddy ever cooked for me?"

Inara considered this. On the whole, she had to give Simon full marks for treating a lady well. "Wow, Kaylee. That's quite an impressive morning, especially from a man who couldn't even make a complete sentence around you last week."

"You bet. I ain't complainin'."

"So what's your next step, if I may ask?"

Now Kaylee frowned a little, her animated face sobering up. "I dunno, 'Nara. I don't wanna do anything stupid an' scare him off."

"I wouldn't worry too much about that. He loves you."

Kaylee turned around, eyes wide, not even noticing the hairbrush pull her hair a bit. "What? Did he say that?"

"No, but I can tell. He's buying you gifts, treating you like a lady, and sleeping in a bed with you without expecting or asking for anything. That's how he shows he cares - by treating you like you're precious."

"Oh." Kaylee thought about this for a while as Inara brushed her hair. Knowing that Inara thought Simon loved her - and Inara was a pretty good judge of these things - changed everything. "I was gonna go an' get him naked. Is that still OK?"

Inara smiled. "I doubt he would object." She turned serious a moment. "But I must confess that I spoke out of turn. I gave away a secret he's probably holding closely, afraid to tell you and scare you off. It might be best to talk to him about that first, before you start getting too intimate."

Kaylee nodded. That made sense, but she was still apprehensive. "What if it turns out I don't love him back?"

Inara actually laughed out loud. "Oh, no. I'm not buying that one. Mal and I both saw the look you gave him this morning. That was pure devotion if I've ever seen it." She winked at the younger girl. "And trust me, I have."

Kaylee started giggling along with Inara. This day ws shaping up quite nicely. THey both settled back onto Inara's bed, discussing all the different mischief a doctor and a mechanic in love could get into.


It was late when Kaylee finally left Inara's shuttle, giving the Companion another promise to return tomorrow with more details. She stood on the landing over the cargo bay, debating. Up to the right, she could get to her quarters, take a shower and change back into her pajamas. Down to the left, she could cross the cargo bay and end up in Simon's bunk that much faster. Both ideas had their appeal.

Two minutes later she made up her mind. She turned down the stairs, never even looking back at her bunk. Simon would just have to help her clean off the grease when she got there. And the pajamas? If things went well, she wasn't gonna need them.


Monday, January 9, 2006 8:57 PM


Grerat job the girl talk seemed exactly like Kaylee and Inara.

Monday, January 9, 2006 9:02 PM


Wash's Dino theater intro made me laugh so hard...I'm in actual pain now, lol. That was just perfect, pure Wash. If I didn't know any better, I would think that Joss wrote that part. And of course I loved Simon and Wash's little chat as well!

Favorite line:
Wash leaned over and grabbed Monroe off the floor, letting the dino talk for him. "Any sweaty mammalian sex?"

Wonderful job, yet again. I swear you must be some kind of machine, you're turning these chapters out like there is no tomorrow!

Monday, January 9, 2006 9:37 PM


"the stuffy one appears to be having sweaty mammalian sex with the greasy one!"

OMG, great, you just made me burst out laughing at 2:30 in the morning. Thanks a LOT. lol

I like where this is headed, keep it up!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 1:53 AM


The dinosaurs! Lucy & Steggy, I love them. Enjoyed the advice too. And the pool.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 3:14 AM


OMG that was so funny!!! MOREMOREMORE!!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 5:38 AM


This was great! Loved the dino intro! My favorite line: "...tell Steggy that the Amazonian goddess is in the kitchen, awaiting the activation of Plan C." ROFLMAO!

Inara & Kaylee were so sweet and funny. Loved this bit:
"You nibbled, did you?"

"On his ear, Nara! What was you thinkin'?" LOL

One tiny quibble. In this bit: "That's is how he shows he cares" you've got an extra word. Other than that, it's all shiny! Looking forward to the next chapter.

"I love my captain."

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 5:51 AM


Best line EVER:

"Oh, and before I forget, tell Steggy that the Amazonian goddess is in the kitchen, awaiting the activation of Plan C."

I LOVED IT! And I know you're allready fast with the chapters, but I want more :P I was laughing like a maniac throughout the entire Wash-dino scenario :P And I loved both the advice-giving sceenes as well. And *grins like a moonbrain* on the "promise" at the end :D

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 6:36 AM


Good catch on the typo. Fixed it.

I'm almost sorry Wash isn't planned to featured in the next chapter. I'm starting to develop a great affection for our zany pilot. His dialogue is an absolute blast to write.

Maybe my next series should be an standard "job goes wrong" adventure, but through the eyes of the dinos?

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 7:57 AM


"Any sweaty mammalian sex?"
"Oh my God, you did not just do that."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! dino theatre rocks!!!


Tuesday, October 3, 2006 1:07 PM


LOL! Simon's conversation with Wash was excellent! So - lets see if the next chapter gets rid of the pajamas once and for all. . .!


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In The Ether 13: Secret Agent Man
Simon takes a turn at super spy as the crew tracks him down.

In The Ether 12: Motivations
A brief history of Simon Tam

In The Ether 11: Telling
Simon and Regan tell each other off, Jayne tells Kaylee a little story, and Wash tells everybody about basic chemistry. Bonus: Jayne actually quotes Shakespeare! Kind of.

In The Ether 10: Technical Difficulties
Jayne goes trophy hunting, Kaylee and Wash attempt to explain technical things to Mal, and eventually everyone realizes that they left something at the last stop.

Generic S/K Plot Outline
Inspired by a story posted at, I present the outline of pretty much every S/K fic out there (including my own, so no one take it personal-like).

Dino Tales: Loss
The dino army mourns the loss of one of their own.

The Old Switcheroo
Jayne and Simon wake up with unique perspectives on life.

In The Ether 9: Minor Complications
Jake and Jasper check out Serenity, River secures some backup, Jayne discovers his protective side, Simon gets physical, and Kaylee meets an old flame.

In The Ether 8: Lady's Choice
Zoe fixes the plan. Kaylee shows Simon how to turn up the heat.

In The Ether 7: Shore Leave
Mal gives everyone a day on Belix to calm the nerves. Wash gets suspicious. A plan is hatched.