What Have I Become? by BeautifulDisaster

BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL

What Have I Become?
Sunday, March 12, 2006

Just a little River drabble using lyrics from Kelly Clarkson's "I Hate Myself For Losing You".

CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 1622 RATING: 9 SERIES: FIREFLY

I woke up today Woke up wide awake In an empty bed Staring at an empty room

River's eyes opened quickly, filled immediately with some panic. That shouldn't have to happen. Those were her first thoughts every morning. She shouldn't have to be afraid right off the bat everyday. She slowly sat up on her bed, looking around her room. So blank. So void. River titled her head to the side a little, blinking quickly. Empty. Like her.

I have myself to blame For the state I'm in today And now dying Doesn't seem so cruel

It was her fault. She told herself over and over. She had wanted to go to the Academy, she had strived for something more. She'd gotten somrthing alright, but not what she was looking for. River almost wished they would have killed her. That way she wouldn't have to spend her life hiding, scared, and putting innocent people she loved in harms way. How could such a good oppurtunity have came to this?

And oh, I don't know what to say And I don't know anyway Anymore

Always confused, always feeling so broken. Always having to see and hear things that she knew she shouldn't. Having to live thinking that all you are is a burden. She had no words to express how she felt. She didn't even know what feelings were anymore. They were just watercolor paints, running together on a empty pallet. A mess.

COMMENTS

Sunday, March 12, 2006 5:28 PM

YANLEI

Awww.... sad.... *huggles River*

Dammit now I have that song stuck in my head lol. *walks away, humming it*

Sunday, March 12, 2006 5:30 PM

SHADOWCHILD

Yet another great story by BD! Stop being so selfconcious, your works are wonderful!!!

Sunday, March 12, 2006 7:37 PM

NOSADSEVEN

I don't know the song (at least, not by the lyrics), but I enjoyed this.

Interestingly enough, the title made me immediately think of Nine Inch Nails' (and subsequently, Johnny Cash's) "Hurt", which could be similarly adapted (substituting the context, of course).

"what have I become?"

"full of broken thoughts / I cannot repair"

"if I could start again / a million miles away / I would keep myself / I would find a way"

Monday, March 13, 2006 5:10 AM

BELLONA

until i read the blurb, i thought it was the man in black too, but this is shinytastic!!! interesting use of ms. clarkson's words...hmm, gives me an idea...*runs off to find lyrics*

b

Monday, March 13, 2006 5:17 AM

ASARIAN

Once again, you touched me deeply with your beautiful River story. I'm also really astounded at how gifted you are as a writer!

I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room

Come to think of it, this is actually quite brilliant! The opening lines of these lyrics are highly reminiscent of the beginning of Objects in Space, where we see River lying in bed, suddenly opening her eyes, wide awake! As is the last line! (Early: "So is it still her room when it's empty?").

And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway

Again, this reminds of River! ("I don't know what I'm saying. I never know what I'm saying."). Even the title is River!

What Have I Become?

("I function like I'm a girl. I hate it because I know it'll go away, the sun goes dark and chaos is come again. Bits. Fluids. What am I?").

And then you took these lyrics, and built such a moving River story around of it! :) You really have a wonderful manner of understanding and writing about River's vulnerability, and the things done to her, and how it affected her. Anyone who can connect to River in such a tender way, must herself be equally gentle and understanding, and feeling for people. I bet you can't not feel. :) Very beautiful, indeed! Now I'm totally sad for my River again; and I thank you for helping me connect to River even more!

Monday, March 13, 2006 4:56 PM

ITSAWASH

Drabble? Where? This is art. BD, simply lovely. Evocative, sad and just simply lovely. Keep it up, you hear? I want more.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006 11:28 AM

MCQ

Again, very well done. The contrast from the song lyrics to what River is thinking and feeling is pulled off smoothly. :)

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Just a small River ficlet. Simon's in there, too. =D Feedback is greatly appreciated.

I'd like to dedicate this to Asarian. Hehe!

Disclaimer: I do not own Firefly or the characters.

What Have I Become?
Just a little River drabble using lyrics from Kelly Clarkson's "I Hate Myself For Losing You".

She's Missing
River has a dream about the girl she used to be.

Disclaimer: I do not own Firefly, Serenity, or any of the crew. Though I wish I did.