"Medicinal Purposes"

INT. Serenity-Cargo Hold (CAPT. MALCOLM "MAL" REYNOLDS is playing horseshoes with WASH in the cargo hold while DR. SIMON TAM pitches a job to him)

Mal: No ruttin' way.

Simon: Captain, we need the medication. Our stock is running low.

Mal: Doctor, I think you're forgettin' our last trip to Ariel. Didn't turn out so shiny, as I recall.

Simon: That was different, Captain.

Mal: I don't reckon it was.

Simon: Jayne won't be a problem this time. We've talked about it, and he knows he-

Mal: Jayne ain't the one I'm worried about. It's those snazzily dressed fellas with the blue gloves who seem to scare the bejesus out of your sister and have that nifty little tiara thing that makes your eyes bleed that worry me.

Wash: Oh yeah...forgot about those guys. Hey, Mal, how come we don't get fun tiaras?

Mal: Well, I'm a mite stingy on your cut. Plus, I think the flightsuits tend to wear better on you. Bring out your eyes.

Wash: Ah. Right. They do indeed do that.

(Mal throws his horseshoe and misses)

Mal: (disappointed) Ai ya, hwai leh!* You're up, Wash. (*Shit on my head!)

Simon: Captain, I strongly recommend going back to Ariel...It's getting worse.

Mal: Worse? Well, isn't that a switch?

Simon: The episodes are coming more frequently, Captain. I'll walk in River's room and she'll be in tears and when I ask her what's wrong she talks in nonsense riddles. The medication we have isn't working.

Mal: Look, Doc. The risk is too high.

Simon: Yes, Captain it is but-

(Wash throws his horseshoe)

Mal: Well then, it's settled. We'll have to figure out something else.

Simon: The risk is too high in continuing the route we've been going!

Mal: Doctor, why're you arguing what's already been decided?

Simon: She's become dangerous. And you know it. We need to get her medicated. She's not well.

Mal: Yeah, I gathered that, what with the gibberish and...whimsical speech patterns.

Wash: And the throwing things. Don't forget the throwing things.

Mal: Right. She throws things, too!

Simon: Captain, they took her and experimented on her like she was a gorram science project. We have to do something for her. She's been getting more violent with each episode.

(Wash stands there holding the horse shoeout to Mal, looking awkward.)

Mal: Doctor, I think you're getting the wrong idea about our arrangement here. We are NOT at your beck and call. This a huge burden on all of us. Put's us all in danger, dong ma?* ("Understand" in Chinese)

Simon: Well, excuse me, Captain, I didn't realize River's well being was gorram burden.

(Wash looks over uncomfortably.)

Mal: Excuse me, but I think you're overstepping your bounds here. We took you and your sister under our protection. We've kept you safe, some of us have taken more 'n our fair share of bullets for her and all we're getting in return for our troubles is some spoiled little rich boy who constantly does nothing but piss and moan. Seems to me, we've been doing you and your jing-tzang mei yong-duh** sister a big favor here. (** "consistantly useless" in chinese.)

Simon: Chur ni-duh!* (*Screw you!)

(Wash goes to speak but is cut off.)

Mal: You got a problem with how I run this ship? You can go take a walk out into the black for all I care! But as long as you're on my ship, you'll live by my rules, dong ma?

Simon: You and your piece of gos-se* ship can- (*dog crap)

Wash: Hoooookay! Let's take a deep breath, here! Maybe we can deal with this little issue without the whole shooting each other at high noon thing. Now, Mal, I get where you're comin' from, it was a hoot when she cut Jayne with the knife, hell, I still get a chuckle from it. But on the other hand...there is that whole "crazy little girl gonna kill the whole crew" bit he brought up. Now, I'm not sure on your stance on the whole gettin'...killed...idea...but doesn't sound too appetizing. And, Mal. (almost pleading) You're up. Throw the shoe.

(Mal returns his gaze to Simon)

Mal: I tellya what, Doc. We'll look elsewhere. Gotta be somewhere else in this crap-hole 'verse with meds. Somewhere we ain't been pegged before.

Simon: (not exactly sincerely) Thank you, Captain.

Mal: Ain't no thanks to be had. I just ain't comfy with the whole dyin' thing, is all. 'specially at the hands of a crazy 17 year old girl.

(Mal readies to throw his horseshoe)

Simon: River is not crazy. She's confused and afraid, but she is not crazy.

Mal: Well, all due respect to your sister, I seem to remember someone tossing lots of canned goods about in our mess a few days ago mutterin' something about trees and onions.

Wash: (as if reminiscing) Ah...always a hoot!

(Simon looks to them with contempt)

Simon: Thank you for helping, Captain.

(Simon leaves)

Wash: (Looks over) Well, glad that ended like without some of your wacky violence. Definitely had a real "Cap's gonna kill the young doctor" feel to it.

(Mal tosses a horseshoe)

Mal: Aww, come on. I was just gonna shoot him a little.

Wash: Oh, I know, I know. I'd have done the same damn thing. Y'know, crazy disciplinarian like me? But I just think, y'know, maybe we want to keep our ship's only doctor around.

Mal: Ah, for medicinal purposes?

Wash: Exactly.

Mal: I still say shootin' him would have worked just as good. Plus...woulda been funny.

Wash: Ah. Yes. Hilarious. (pause) Mighty big of you not to.

Mal: (with a laugh) Ain't it just?