The Anti-French Thread by kaneman

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The Anti-French Thread

POSTED BY: KANEMAN
UPDATED: Tuesday, June 29, 2021 11:28
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Friday, April 27, 2007 9:14 AM

After reading the EAA thread I thought we needed a different tone....Something a little lighter and comical......

ONCE UPON A.....

"Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".

Questions and Answers:

Q: Why was Jesus not born in France?
A: Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

Q: Why is it good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.

GREAT QUOTES ON THE FRENCH:

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than against the Nazis?"
- Dennis Miller

"France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France."
- Mark Twain

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
- P.J O Rourke

"First, they [the French] think I'm an intellectual because of my glasses. Second, they think I'm an artist because my films lose money. Neither one is true."
- Woody Allen

"Frankly, going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion -- you just leave a lot of useless, noisy baggage behind."
- Jed Babbin

"France: rolling countrysides, sprawling vineyards, quaint cafes. France: home to the world's greatest painters, chefs, and anti-semites. The French: cowardly, yet opinionated; arrogant, yet foul-smelling; anti-Israel, anti-American, and, of course, as always, Jew-hating. Paris: the city of whores, dog feces on every corner, and effete men yelling anti-Semitic remarks at children. The real crème de la crème of world culture. With all that's going on in the world, isn't it about time we got back to hating the French?"
- SNL

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
- Jay Leno

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
- George S. Patton

BROKAW: Senator Kerry, what about the French? Are they friends? Are they enemies? Or something in-between at this point?
KERRY: The French are the French.
BROKAW: Very profound, senator.
KERRY: Well, trust me, it has a meaning. And I think most people know exactly what I mean.
- Tom Brokaw & John Kerry

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Friday, April 27, 2007 9:57 AM

ALLIETHORN7

Well... THAT was a creative waste of time. Sadly, it's... mostly true. Ecept for the snake part, but I was still ROTFLOL at it.

Having fun yet?

-Danny

A Ghost is all that's Left,
Of everything we Swore we Never would Forget,
Tried to bleed the Sickness,
But we drained our Hearts instead,
We are... We are the DEAD!!!!!!!!!!
THRICE RULES!!!!!!!!!
What did Lord of the Flies teach us? That we are inherintly evil and that you will kill someone if given the chance... and never try to catch rocks with your face. That could end badly.

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Friday, April 27, 2007 10:43 AM

FREMDFIRMA

Camerone, 04/30/1863.

Mock all ya like, but the legion has whooped ass since it's inception, and while not stupid like us after learning the hard way about charging straight up the middle into machinegun fire in WWI, something we *still* do, and train to do, they fight awful dirty in a guerilla fashion.

They might have lost the toe to toe slugging match, but they bled em dry in the occupation, much like the iraqis are doing to us, more than one way to win a war you know.

The only current military force on par with the legion is Finlands.

-Frem

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Friday, April 27, 2007 11:06 AM

GEEZER

Keep the Shiny side up

Quote:
Originally posted by Fremdfirma:
Camerone, 04/30/1863.

1) The Legion, then and now, is made up mostly of non-Frenchmen.
2) They were fighting the Mexicans, fercrissake.

The Legion has a long and glorious history, unfortunately often in losing causes because the French Government didn't properly support them. But they're hardly representative of the French military as a whole.

"Keep the Shiny side up"

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Friday, April 27, 2007 11:14 AM

PIRATECAT

The greatest french television show in Corsican history. Viva la France.

"Battle of Serenity, Mal. Besides Zoe here, how many-" "I'm talkin at you! How many men in your platoon came out of their alive".

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Friday, April 27, 2007 12:04 PM

PIRATECAT

Kaneman you look marvelous, you intellectual you. What did the French patriot say to the pawn broker. "I have a gun for sale good deal only dropped once". Theory of Ohms law was discovered in Paris the path of least resistance. Little girls, little boys, little monkeys its all the same in France lamour.

"Battle of Serenity, Mal. Besides Zoe here, how many-" "I'm talkin at you! How many men in your platoon came out of their alive".

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Friday, April 27, 2007 1:19 PM

FREDGIBLET

http://uk.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUKL2626428720070427

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Friday, April 27, 2007 10:14 PM

SKYWALKEN

Let us take a look at the French military record:

Italian Wars
The Italian Wars were a series of wars from 1494 to 1559 for control over the States of Italy, mainly involving France and Spain, but also involving most other European states, and the imprisonment for several months of Pope Clement VII.

Originally arising from dynastic disputes over the Duchy of Milan and the Kingdom of Naples, the wars rapidly became a general struggle for power and territory among their various participants, and were marked with an increasing degree of alliances, counter-alliances, and regular betrayals. The Habsburg were eventually victorious with the French and their allies suffering an humiliating defeat.

War of the League of Cognac
The War of the League of Cognac (1526–1530) pitted the League of Cognac (an alliance of France, England, Pope Clement VII, Venice, Florence, and elements of Milan) against the Habsburg dominions of Emperor Charles V—primarily Spain and the Holy Roman Empire.

By 1539, France's ally, Florence alone continued to resist Emperor Charles V's Imperial forces. A Florentine army under Francesco Ferruccio engaged the Imperials at the Battle of Gavinana in 1530, but although Orange himself was killed, the Imperials won a decisive victory, and the Florentine Republic surrendered ten days later. With this decisive Habsburg victory; not only did the entire League of Cognac suffer a loss, but France especially was humiliated.

Seven Years' War
The Seven Years' War (1754 and 1756–1763) was a war that pitted Great Britain and Prussia against France and Austria. The war was described by Winston Churchill as the first world war, as it was the first conflict in human history to be fought around the globe, although almost all of the combatants were either European nations or their overseas colonies.

The British-French hostilities were ended in 1763 with a French defeat that was made official by the Treaty of Paris; which was particularly catastrophic for France because it lost most of its colonial empire to Britain, especially Canada and India.

French and Indian War
The French and Indian War was the nine-year North American theater of the Seven Years War. The conflict was caused by land disputes. Specifically both the British and the French claimed the vast territory between the Appalachians and the Mississippi river, from the Great Lakes to the Gulf of Mexico, known as the Ohio Country.

The French conceded their defeat and a British victory with the 1763 Treaty of Paris. As a result of the French defeat, the British gained control of French Canada and Spain gained control of Louisiana. Overall, French administrative presence in North America was almost completely removed.

Haitian Revolution
The Haitian Revolution was the first successful slave rebellion in the Western Hemisphere and established Haiti as a free republic. At the time, Haiti was a colony of France known as Saint-Domingue.

After two years of dispute among elements of the free population, a great slave uprising plunged the country into civil war in 1791. Slavery was first abolished on August 29, 1793 on the island. But by 1802, it was obvious that the French intended to re-establish slavery. As a result the black population continued the fight against the French. The leader of the revolution, Jean-Jacques Dessalines, led the rebellion until its completion, when the French were finally defeated at the Battle of Vertières in November of 1803.

Napoleonic Wars
The Napoleonic Wars were a series of wars fought between France (led by the Corsicn Napoleon Bonaparte) and alliances involving England and Prussia and Russia and Austria at different times. They were partly an extension of conflicts sparked by the French Revolution, and continued for the duration of the First French Empire.

The Napoleonic Wars ended on 20 November 1815, following France's final defeat at Waterloo and the Second Treaty of Paris.

Quasi-War
The Quasi-War was an undeclared war fought entirely at sea between the United States and France from 1798 to 1800. The conflict began because the French began to stealing American ships trading with the British.

The war started on July 7, 1798, when Congress rescinded treaties with France. United States Naval squadrons then sought out and attacked the French privateers. By October 1800, the United States Navy produced a reduction in the activity of the French privateers and warships, dealing the French an humiliating defeat. The French admitted this defeat with the Treaty of Mortefontaine on September 30, 1800.

Peninsular War
The Peninsular War (1808–1814) was a major conflict during the Napoleonic Wars, fought in the Iberian Peninsula with Spanish, Portuguese, and the British forces fighting against the French. It has been described as "a hammer and anvil" campaign, the hammer being the Anglo-Portuguese Army, commanded by Sir Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington, with 40,000 to 80,000 men, and the anvil being the Spanish armies, the Spanish guerillas and the Portuguese militia.

The Peninsular War was the first guerrilla conflict (a term coined for this war) and lasted until the Sixth Coalition defeated France in 1814.

War of the Sixth Coalition
The Sixth Coalition (1812-1814) was a coalition of the Great Britain, Russia, Prussia, Sweden, Austria and a number of German States against France. After France's disastrous defeat in Russia, the continental powers saw a final opportunity to defeat the French and joined the coalition which previously consisted only of the Russians and British in addition to Spanish and Portuguese rebels in Iberia.

2.5 million troops fought in the conflict and the total dead amounted to as many as 2 million (some estimates suggest that over a million died in Russia alone). It included the battles of Smolensk, Borodino, Lützen, Dresden and the epic Battle of Nations — the largest of the Napoleonic wars, and indeed the largest battle in Western history up until the First World War. The final stage of the war led to the Allies occupying Paris, forcing the French to admit defeat.

Franco-Mexican War
The Franco-Mexican War lasted from December 8, 1861 to June 21, 1867. It began with the invasion of Mexico by the army of the Second French Empire. It followed President Benito Juárez's suspension of payments of interest on loans to foreign countries made by previous governments on July 17, 1861, which angered the French government. France wanted to exploit the rich mines in the north-west of Mexico. The French started the war when they did due to the fact that the United States was in the middle of its Civil War, and thus was unable to intervene as they would have due to the Monroe Doctrine.

The presidential terms of Benito Juárez were interrupted by the French occupational monarchy, which was eventually overthrown in early 1867. The Mexicans occupied the rest of the states of Zacatecas, San Luis Potosí and Guanajuato in January of 1867. Realizing that they had once again been defeated, the French evacuated the capital on February 5, 1867. The French instituted puppet monarch, Maximilian of Habsburg was executed on June 19, 1867 by the forces loyal to President Benito Juárez.

Franco-Prussian War
The Franco-Prussian War (July 19, 1870 – May 10, 1871) was fought between France and Prussia (backed by the North German Confederation) allied with the south German states of Baden, Bavaria and Württemberg. The conflict marked the culmination of tension between the two powers following Prussia's rise to dominance in Germany, still a loose federation of quasi-independent territories.

Over a five-month campaign, the German armies defeated the French army in a series of battles fought across northern France. Following a prolonged siege, the French capital Paris fell on January 28, 1871. The French admission of defeat, the Treaty of Frankfurt was signed May 10, 1871, during the time of the bloody Paris Commune of 1871.

World War II
After the so-called Phony War from 1939 to 1940, Nazi Germany managed to inflict a humiliating defeat on the French. France formally surrendered to Germany on June 25, 1940. The reorganized French government, centered in the city of Vichy, enthusiastically joined the Axis. In 1944, France was invaded by the Allied forces. After the French surrendered for the second time in less than five years, a new government led by Charles de Gaulle was established.

French-Thai War
The French-Thai War (1940 - 1941) was fought between Thailand and Vichy France over certain areas of French Indochina that had once belonged to Thailand. In early January 1941, the Thai lauched their offensive. Many French units were simply swept along by the better-equipped Thai forces. The Thais swiftly took Laos. Because of over-complicated orders and nonexistent intelligence, the French counterattacks were cut to pieces and fighting ended with a French withdrawal from the area.

The Japanese Empire mediated the conflict, and a general armistice was arranged to go into effect at 1000 hours on January 28. On May 9 France admitted defeat in Tokyo, with the French relinquishing their hold on the disputed territories.

First Indochina War
The First Indochina War (also called the French Indochina War) was fought in Southeast Asia from 19 December 1946 until 1 August 1954 between the nation of France and the resistance movement led by Ho Chi Minh, called the Viet Minh. Most of the fighting took place in Northern Vietnam (the area the French referred to as Tonkin) although the conflict engulfed the entire country and also extended into the neighboring Indochinese countries of Laos and Cambodia.

In 1954, the Battle of Dien Bien Phu occurred between Viet Minh forces under Võ Nguyên Giáp and French airborne and Foreign Legion forces. The French suffered an humiliating defeat. At least 2,200 members of the 20,000-strong French forces died during the battle. Shortly after Dien Bien Phu, the Groupe Mobile 100 of the French army were wiped out at the Battle of Mang Yang Pass. The Viet Minh victory at Dien Bien Phu led to the departure of France from Vietnam.

Tunisian War of Independence
The Tunisian War of Independence was fought from 1952 to 1956 between France and a guerilla movement of Tunisia, a nation that had been a French territory since 1881. The guerilla movement was lead by Habib Bourguiba.

In 1954, Pierre Mendes-France became the leader of the French government and pursued a policy of surrender. This resulted with the April 1955 agreement which handed internal autonomy to Tunisian hands while international relations were managed by France, a similar situation to the Turkish Bey method of governance in pre-1881. The humiliating French in the Algerian War of Independence further weakened the French people, leading to the abolition of the Treaty of Bardo and Tunisia gaining full independence in March 20, 1956.

Algerian War of Independence
The Algerian War of Independence (1954–62) was one of the most important decolonisation wars and a complex conflict. It was characterized by guerrilla fighting and terrorism against civilians on both sides and counter-terrorism operations by the French Army. It was effectively started in November 1954. Under orders from Socialist Guy Mollet's (SFIO) government, the French Army initiated a campaign of "pacification" of what was considered at the time to be fully part of France. This "public order operation" quickly turned into a full-scale war.

France eventually conceded defeat with the March 1962 Evian Accords which organized the independence of Algeria, ending the French colonial empire.

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Saturday, April 28, 2007 5:35 PM

SKYWALKEN

Wow. Even the French don't like the French:

PARIS (Reuters) - The French dislike themselves even more than the Americans dislike them, according to an opinion poll published on Friday.

The survey of six nations, carried out for the International Herald Tribune daily and France 24 TV station, said 44 percent of French people thought badly of themselves against 38 percent of U.S. respondents who had a negative view of the French.

Only 14 percent of Germans, 25 percent of Italians, 29 percent of Spaniards and 33 percent of Britons had a negative view of the French, according to the Harris/Novatris poll, which questioned more than 1,000 people in each country.

Looked at from another perspective, the Germans have the highest regard for their neighbors, with 73 percent saying they had a positive view of the French.

By contrast, some 63 percent of Italians had a positive view of the French, 54 percent of Spaniards, 51 percent of French, 41 percent of Britons and just 35 percent of Americans.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070427/ts_nm/france_dislike_dc

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007 7:00 AM

KANEMAN

Q. What happened when a frenchmen looked up his family tree?

A. A ball-less gorilla shit on his face.

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007 7:20 AM

KANEMAN

Q. What do female snipers in the french army use as camouflage?

A. Their armpits

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007 7:24 AM

KHYRON

France has an army?

"The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter."

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007 7:28 AM

KANEMAN

Quote:
Originally posted by Khyron:
France has an army?

"The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter."

Technically speaking...I think so. They do wear uniforms after all... Well, berets anyway...

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007 7:30 AM

KHYRON

Well, even if it does, I don't think it would have snipers. I mean, the smell would alert almost any potential targets that the French were close by and then they'd be able to take cover.

"The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter."

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007 7:59 AM

RUE

I have a vote and I'm not afraid to use it!

You have to say this - at least they're not double-standard hypocrites.

Quote:
Originally posted by Skywalken:
Wow. Even the French don't like the French

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007 12:48 PM

KANEMAN

The French are to warfare what the British are to cooking.....

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007 12:51 PM

KANEMAN

Q. Where is the best place to hide a wad of cash?

A. Under a Frenchmen's bar of soap.

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Tuesday, May 8, 2007 6:50 AM

KANEMAN

At least those less than human odor factories voted...right.......

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Tuesday, May 8, 2007 7:44 AM

GEEZER

Keep the Shiny side up

Did you realize that France is the only European country to still have a mainland colony in the Americas?

"Keep the Shiny side up"

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Tuesday, May 8, 2007 7:54 AM

RIVER6213

I can't believe that this is even a topic.

-River

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Tuesday, May 8, 2007 8:59 AM

KANEMAN

Let us not forget this gem......

PARIS (AP) — The death toll in France from August's blistering heat wave has reached nearly 15,000, according to a government-commissioned report released Thursday, surpassing a prior tally by more than 3,000.

does that not speak volumes?....And I thought wine consumption lowered core body temp!

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Friday, June 1, 2007 4:46 AM

KANEMAN

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"

---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh

"Is it any wonder that America’s most beloved French character is a skunk who stinks and thinks that he is desirable love god?"

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Friday, June 1, 2007 5:31 AM

KANEMAN

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France."

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Friday, June 1, 2007 5:34 AM

KANEMAN

"Is it any wonder that America’s most beloved French character is a skunk who stinks and thinks that he is desirable love god?" - Dennis Miller

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Friday, June 1, 2007 5:41 AM

RIVER6213

Did you know that there were more French freedom fighters after the World War II than during the war?

-River

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Friday, June 1, 2007 7:09 AM

KANEMAN

How do you identify a French soldier?

Sunburned armpits