REAL WORLD EVENT DISCUSSIONS

Messsage From the Queen

POSTED BY: SIGNYM
UPDATED: Friday, November 21, 2008 10:40
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VIEWED: 1134
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Thursday, November 20, 2008 1:02 PM

SIGNYM

I believe in solving problems, not sharing them.


Every now and then this hits my email. I hope it tickles your funny-bone! (And I know it will drive PN...er... crazy.)

---------------

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth? II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday..

4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it..

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.



God Save the Queen!



---------------------------------
Let's party like its 1929.

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Thursday, November 20, 2008 1:29 PM

WHOZIT


James Bond is gay.

I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it - Peter Griffin

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Thursday, November 20, 2008 1:50 PM

LWAVES


Excellent stuff.

All those people who say 'wich' instead of 'with' should be severely fined on the spot by whoever has the misfortune to hear it.

And James Bond may indeed be gay, but at least we have a James Bond. Who have you got?



"I don't believe in suicide, but if you'd like to try it it might cheer me up to watch."

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Thursday, November 20, 2008 1:52 PM

KWICKO

"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." -- William Casey, Reagan's presidential campaign manager & CIA Director (from first staff meeting in 1981)


I'm conflicted between keeping a properly stiff upper lip, and giving in to my sense of humour...

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Thursday, November 20, 2008 1:56 PM

WHOZIT


Quote:

Originally posted by lwaves:
Excellent stuff.

All those people who say 'wich' instead of 'with' should be severely fined on the spot by whoever has the misfortune to hear it.

And James Bond may indeed be gay, but at least we have a James Bond. Who have you got?



"I don't believe in suicide, but if you'd like to try it it might cheer me up to watch."

Jack Bauer HA! IN YOUR FACE!

I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it - Peter Griffin

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Thursday, November 20, 2008 3:41 PM

ANTHONYT

Freedom is Important because People are Important


Hello,

I believe we also have Felix Leiter, though I've yet to find cause to brag about it.

--Anthony

"Liberty must not be purchased at the cost of Humanity." --Captain Robert Henner

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Friday, November 21, 2008 9:30 AM

WULFENSTAR

http://youtu.be/VUnGTXRxGHg


But, but, but....I dont want to be British!

I like having straight, white, teeth!

I like using a toothbrush!

I cant speak cockney!

I don't want to smoke a fag!

I like sunny days!

I like being able to shoot the person robbing me!

I fucking HATE tea!

I like being able to think for myself!

The only good movies out of that shitty "empire" were Shaun of the Dead, and Run Fatboy Run!



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Friday, November 21, 2008 9:33 AM

CHRISISALL


Quote:

Originally posted by AnthonyT:


I believe we also have Felix Leiter, though I've yet to find cause to brag about it.


Our man Flint!

In Like Chrisisall

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Friday, November 21, 2008 10:08 AM

FREMDFIRMA


We have Bucky O'Hare.


All we gotta do is tell him the British are in league with the toads, and SQUISH!

-F

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Friday, November 21, 2008 10:10 AM

FUTUREMRSFILLION


Quote:

Originally posted by SignyM:
Every now and then this hits my email. I hope it tickles your funny-bone! (And I know it will drive PN...er... crazy.)

---------------

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth? II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday..

4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it..

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.



God Save the Queen!



---------------------------------
Let's party like its 1929.




All this sounds fine to me, however - if we accept the above then a move must be made immediately to execute ANY citizen of the British Isles that says FREE when in fact they mean THREE!

I am on The List. We are The Forsaken and we aim to burn!
"We don't fear the reaper"

FORSAKEN original

Trolls Against McCain




“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” Mahatma Gandhi

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Friday, November 21, 2008 10:15 AM

AYCEOFSPADES


Brits hate Rupert Murdoch. Game, set & match lol

'You can't take the sky from me'


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Friday, November 21, 2008 10:40 AM

FREMDFIRMA


You know, on second thought, I'd take that deal on one condition.

That the current queen abdicates in favor of TWG.


All hail queen TWG.

-F

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