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Amongst any sufficiently large sampling of individuals, there are bound to be people who resemble Pirate News.

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If you've got a certain kind of Facebook friend — an End-the-Fed, mechanical-elves, Monsanto-causes-cancer, Nibiru-fearing cousin, say — you may have already heard the "news" that Newtown shooter Adam Lanza's father was a key witness in a congressional hearing about a banking scandal. Or the theory that the new Batman movie predicted the shooting. Or that The Hunger Games did. None of these conspiracy theories are true, obviously. But they're all over the internet.

As usual, it only took a couple of days for the weird online gutter-spaces where the far left, far right, hyper-libertarian and new age kooks all hang out to gurgle out a handful of theories about the mass shooting in Newtown, Conn., that ended with 27 deaths. They are, each, stupider than the last, though no less fascinating, in a car-crash way, than they usually are. Here, a rundown of some of the more popular:

Adam Lanza and James Holmes' Fathers Were Both Scheduled to Testify in the LIBOR Bank Scandal Hearings

Proposed by: Vlogger Fabian4Liberty, TheExaminer.com, "United Slaves of Amerika" Facebook page
Relevant tweet:

Trooper753@trooper753

Adam Lanza & Batman theater shooter have common denominators. Both their fathers to testify in US Senate hearings about the Libor scandal.

17 Dec 12 Reply
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But: "[N]o such hearing was ever scheduled to take place, nor is there even an obvious connection between FICO and the Libor scandal [...] Like FICO, GE has no obvious connection to the investigation, which has roped in various other financial institutions. And once again, there is no "witness list" that includes Lanza because there isn't even a hearing on the issue." — Benjy Sarlin, TPM

Obama orchestrated the shootings in Newtown and Aurora to force Cerebus to Sell Bushmaster

Proposed by: GodLikeProductions.com posters, Twitchy.com commenters
Relevant comment:

But: Since 2005, we've had a mass shooting every four months on average. It's true, though, this is the only one with little kids right before Christmas. Must be Obama.

The Dark Knight Returns Predicted the Aurora Shooting, and the Sandy Hook Shooting, and Hurricane Sandy

Proposed by: BeforeItsNews.com, Facebook page "Satan", Vlogger Dabu7
Relevant image:
http://gawker.com/5969532/the-insane-sandy-hook-conspiracy-theories-th
at-are-already-flooding-facebook-and-twitter?utm_source=jalopnik.com&utm_medium=recirculation&utm_campaign=recirculation

"This is the official map from the movie The Dark Knight Rises... Here's what I saw so far... Pyramid with an eye... Hurricane SANDYs path... Sandy Hook... Strike points line up to make a pentagram"

But: Despite what the Facebook page "Satan" claims, Commissioner Gordon doesn't say "nothing is a coincidence" during the brief shot of a map in which the words "Sandy Hook" are visible. Also, uh, no.

A Secret Society Used The Hunger Games as a Model in Drugging Adam Lanza to Carry Out a Mass Killing to Provide the Pretext to Take Away Our Freedoms

Proposed by: PrisonPlanet.com, SGT Report
Relevant quote:

But then there is THIS. SGT Report cites a "coincidence" that will leave you thinking about a planned scenario at Newtown, just the kind of operation secret societies are reputedly famous for. In The Hunger Games, many times called a model of predictive programming, the ritual sacrifice of 23 children is carried out. Twelve districts, two children from each district; they fight in pairs and kill each other until one winner is left. 23 children are killed. In Newton, Adam Lanza killed 20 children. The author of The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins, is listed by Wikipedia as one of the famous people who lives in Newtown. You take it from there. Call it whatever you want to. I try to avoid winging big stretches, but this is too stunning to omit. WTF. http://gawker.com/5969532/the-insane-sandy-hook-conspiracy-theories-th
at-are-already-flooding-facebook-and-twitter?utm_source=jalopnik.com&utm_medium=recirculation&utm_campaign=recirculation]
I see PN's new favorite conspiracy theory has made it in there.

And ahhhh, there's the one I was expecting:

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A woman I work with is pushing the hidden motive behind the Sandy Hook tragedy. She heard it on talk radio, so it must be the truth.

The Obama Administration secretly hired the Lanza's to shoot up the school and escape. Instead both were killed to silence them. The motive is to use the outrage following the shooting to outlaw all firearms with the intent to disarm America. The administration will use UN forces to go door to door and confiscate every gun. Then the unarmed citizens will be helpless as the nation is turned over to Socialist powers run by Obama.

I just walked away too stunned at her stupidity to even reply.


Yea, I received a junk email today (was filtered into my junk folder) that I opened up and it had a conspiracy theory, in detail, along the lines of above. I won't comment on the sad reality that some people have little-to-no moral compass to piggyback onto this tragic event and spew such ridiculousness - especially just a couple days after it took place.
http://forums.macresource.com/read.php?2,1479663,1479674

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Two of these theories are posted in detail, the the first by the above poster, the second by a commenter who's actually SERIOUS about it. You can look them up if you want them in detail, but the crux of them is

1) The primary-school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, approximately 45 miles from the Colt Arms Factory, is just another one in the long line of government psyops designed to persuade the public to allow the government to take away their guns, and their means to defend themselves against the government and the banksters that the politicians really serve.

The small children murders are designed to create hysterical emotions in women to get them to demand that guns are banned. If that doesn’t work they will continue with their evil agenda with worse and worse atrocities on younger children, until they get their way and disarm the people, so that they cannot fight back against government tyranny.

2) Another reason they're doing this to us is to create PTSD in the population. (post traumatic stress disorder) It's another form of mind control, their area of expertise. {Yeah, really--you should read it!}

A couple of the best comments:

"These folks have been waiting so long for Obama to get around to taking their guns and turning the country over to the U.N. that I suppose they just want to get it over with at this point."

and my personal favorite: "If hobbits had guns, we could have avoided that whole 'ring mess'". Good to see some have a sense of perspective, anyway.

Expect more insanity...there's always enough to go around.

Tit for tat got us where we are today. If we want to be grownups, we need to resist the ugliness. If we each did, this would be a better reflection on Firefly and a more welcome place. I will try.