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A published author who now is a friend of mine after I reviewed his book sent me some words that he found in a top-secret copy of the Republican-English Dictionary. He noted that these words and their definitions are useful for those of us who have been recently experiencing difficulties deciphering speeches and news reports delivered by the current administration.

But it's top seekrit, so don't tell them that we know! Shhh!

Words stolen from the top-secret Republican-English Dictionary;

alternative energy sources n.
New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy n.
A means of escaping debt available to corporations but not to poor people.

"burning bush" n.
A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States, when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire about non-issues.

Cheney, Dick n.
The greater of two evils.

class warfare n.
Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change n.
Progress toward the blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans (Also: global warming).

compassionate conservatism n.
Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

creation science n. Pseudo-science that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.

DeLay, Tom n.
Past tense of De Lie.

extraordinary rendition n.
Outsourcing torture.

faith n.
The belief that the Beatitudes (statements made by JC) include "Blessed are the rich" and "Blessed are the war-makers."

free markets n.
Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

girly-men n.
Men who neglect opportunities to grope unwilling women.

God n.
Senior presidential adviser.

growth n.
1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich.
2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made according to Definition 1.

healthy forest n.
No tree left behind.

honesty n.
Lies told in simple declarative sentences (e.g., "Freedom is on the march").

House of Representatives n.
Exclusive club; entry fee: $1 million to $5 million (See: Senate).

insanity n.
See: staying the course.

laziness n.
When The Poor are not working.

leisure time n.
When The Wealthy are not working.

liberal(s) n.
Followers of the Antichrist.

No Child Left Behind riff.
There are always jobs in the military.

ownership society n.
1. A civilization where 1% of the population controls 90% of the wealth.
2. A political system where all power is in the hands of the owners.

Patriot Act n.
Pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.
The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.

Patriotism n.
Blindly supporting the actions of the government without question.

pro-life adj.
Valuing human life up until birth.

Senate n.
Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30 million. (See: House of Representatives).

simplify v.
To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course interj.; colloquialism.
Continuing to perform the same actions and expecting different results (See: insanity).

stuff happens interj.; colloquialism.
I don't have to live in Baghdad.

voter fraud n.
A significant minority turnout.

woman n.
1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have a child.
2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.

crime n.
Any illegal activity committed by a person making under $50,000 a year.

freedom n.
1. The freedom of religious fundamentalists to impose their views on the entire country.
2. The freedom of corporations to embezzle money from the public.

pro-business adj.
Supporting the right of large corporations to commit fraud and impoverish masses of people.

racist n.
A person who does not think American racism ceased to exist in 1968.

sanctity of marriage n.
Discrimination.

sound science n.
Science based on soundbites.

tax relief n.
A reduction in the tax level of people making more than $100,000 per year.

tort reform n.
A change in civil law making it harder for people to recuperate after suffering from corporate fraud (See: pro-business).

truth n.
something to be made up when the real facts are inconvenient

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Often, some Republicans say things that sound a bit odd to those of us with other political persuasions. Here is a list of English words, accompanied by what many Republicans seem to think that they mean:
activist judge
a judge who actively reads the Constitution before making a judgment

alarmist
person who refuses to deny global warming

Arab
see: terrorist

atheist
a person who hates God

bipartisan
supported by the entire Republican Party, plus Joe Lieberman

Beltway Journalist's Common Wisdom (as seen on Megacorporate TV)
Truth is always exactly halfway between whatever the Republican Party and the Democratic Party are currently saying. Making conclusions by objectively judging the facts which differ from the current center is yucky and is to be avoided at all costs, because that is what all regular everyday Americans want. If we ever reported objectively, we would lose our eternal nonpartisanship, the one thing that makes us special and better than everyone else (especially the dirty fucking hippy bloggers).

Christian (fundamentalist a.k.a. “born again”)
a member of the Republican Party

Christian (other)
closet atheist

civil liberties extremist
person who supports warrants

conservative
any person who supports George W. Bush (e.g. Joe Lieberman, Ann Coulter, Zell Miller)

Democratic Party
see: Democrat Party

Democrat Party
Al Qaeda fan club

detainee
warmer, fuzzier word for prisoner

faith-based initiative
government initiative respecting an establishment of religion

faggot
electorally viable liberal Democratic presidential candidate

the enemy
varies; please see today's civilization-threatening enemy bent on our total annihilation at www.gop.com

fair and balanced
biased as fuck

family values (a.k.a. moral values)
anti-gay

far-left
person who supports warrants

fertilized human egg
A person with inalienable personal rights (as long as it is eventually born and he or she doesn't end up gay)

hatred of America
hatred of the Republican Party

homosexuality
a conscious choice to spit directly in Baby Jesus' face. Though no one is naturally gay, many people are tempted into homosexuality by the lures of soul-crushing social stigmas and the loss of equal protection of the law.

giving aid and comfort to the enemy
opposing illegal warfare and domestic spying

Hitler
person who eventually reincarnated into Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

I don't recall (link nsfw)
I recall, but if I told you, you would probably send me to prison for a long time

The Internets
The Internets is not something you can just dump something on, it's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes, invented by Al Gore and pluralized by George W. Bush

legal immigrant
white person who has moved to America to build a better life and live in freedom; rarely, a non-white person with American family members.

illegal immigrant (pronounced gawd dam uhh-lEEguhl)
Mexican criminal who has moved to invaded America to steal our jobs, sell drugs to our kids, rape and shoot at people indiscriminately, leech off of our welfare programs, and reduce the value of our property.

immigration reduction
getting rid of the Mexicans

Islam
Terrorist religion; Islam was the official religion of Nazi Germany. Don't look that up.

islamofascists
the Nazi-like followers of Islam

Jesus
Ancient white Jewish male who personally founded the Republican Party. He preached the virtues of theocracy, homophobia, sexism, racism, and tax cuts for rich people. Worm-like, Jesus is known to sometimes reside inside the hearts of some humans, usually preferring those from poverty-stricken areas with substandard levels of education.

journalism
broadcast of Republican talking points

left-wing
less conservative than Ronald Reagan

liberal
any person who does not support George W. Bush (e.g. Ron Paul, Pat Buchanan, and Dennis Kucinich are all very liberal)

liberal media
any media except Fox News. Everyone knows that the mainstream media has a liberal bias. It's science.

Neville Chamberlain
A British politician who attempted to prevent Nazi Germany from taking over other European countries by giving Nazi Germany control of other European countries. All comparisons of anti-war Democrats to Neville Chamberlain are totally accurate and in no way retarded.

New York Times
Newspaper company run by Al Qaeda

patriot
a person who supports creation of a domestic police state and endless warfare

perjury (Democratic)
a high crime warranting impeachment and removal from office

perjury (Republican)
a pretend crime that should never be prosecuted, because the REAL underlying crime has yet to be disposed (because the Republican lied to cover it up). This would merely waste precious taxpayer money that could otherwise be spent paying for 30 seconds of the Iraqi War.

pro-business
against workers rights, fair wages, and taxation of upper-income individuals

pro-family
very anti-gay

pro-life
Favoring government-sponsored killing though warfare and capital punishment, while opposing the destruction of living human tissue not part of a person.

Republican Party
Jesus' favorite party; composed of all patriotic Americans who want to Win The War at any cost, no matter how much political framing and distortion of reality is required

Ron Paul
a sneaky liberal Democrat posing as a Republican

Serious
pro-war

small government conservatism (a.k.a. limited government conservatism)
support for a massive government police state, in a continuous state of war and with unlimited power to monitor and regulate the activities of the people

special interest group
organized group of people who don't vote for Republicans

states' rights
states' rights to criminalize abortion and oppress minorities

stay the course
deny error when caught making a mistake; continue mistake and redouble efforts/resources

strict constructionist
judicial philosophy involving a strictly constructed fictional reality where America is a Christian Nation founded by people who hated gays, women, and foreigners; who seceded from Great Britain because the King did not have enough executive power over them.

strong on national security
weak on liberty, rule of law; cowardly

supporting the troops
Forcing the troops to remain in service beyond their contracts, while reducing their pay and health care benefits; sending them to invade foreign countries for bogus reasons while refusing to buy them adequate body armor; compensating for this by buying yellow ribbons while filling up the S.U.V. and accusing other people of not supporting the troops.

terrorism
The unlawful use or threatened use of force or violence by a (non-Republican) person or organized group against people or property with the intention of intimidating or coercing societies or governments, often for ideological or political reasons.

War On Terrorism
Republican attempt at stopping groups of people from unlawfully intimidating or attacking other groups of people for political/ideological reasons, by making threats and using violence to intimidate and coerce them (for ideological and political reasons.)

torture
I do not believe I can provide a definition of torture, because I believe it is wise for us not to describe precisely what illegal, excruciatingly painful techniques our government is using in interrogating people we don't like. As long as we don't officially admit that we are waterboarding prisoners, terrorists will have absolutely no idea that we are doing so. If they knew, they could prepare by growing gills or an extra set of lungs, thus rendering our precious torture technique as quaint as the Geneva Conventions.

traitor
any person who voices opposition to Republican foreign policy

uniter, not a divider
an amoral, hyper-partisan politician who encourages polarization on a national scale by repeatedly insinuating that one half of the population are traitors, without regard to what the consequences might be beyond the next election.

unlawful enemy combatant
prisoner held unlawfully in custody

warrant
a special right for terrorists attempting to destroy America

waterboarding
an extreme sport popular among surfers on Middle Eastern beaches. Republicans sometimes secretly arrange for super-duper bad guys to get to go waterboarding, in hopes of winning them over. People who go waterboarding tend to always provide completely accurate information, which is definitely not random bullshit made up on the spot in an effort to end the waterboarding. These people, like all other torture victims, foster a deep-seated love for all Americans. They go on to spend the rest of their lives not dwelling on their immense hatred for us, and especially not plotting to take violent revenge on us at any cost.

Winston Churchill
A principled, stubborn politician who stood up to belligerent foreign nations that started unprovoked wars of aggression and refused to stop fighting when the situation looked grim. Churchill is a direct parallel to George W. Bush and the other war advocates of our time, except for the small difference that this time the stubborn leader who refuses to give up is actually in charge of the country starting unprovoked wars of aggression.

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