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WASHINGTON D.C. - In the wake of their crushing defeat in the 2024 presidential election, Democrats have begun to call for abolishing the popular vote.

"Look, it's 2024 and I think it's time to let go of this antiquated and undemocratic idea of a ‘popular vote,'" said U.S. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "Our democracy is simply too fragile to just award the Presidency to whoever wins the most votes. We must come up with an alternative, like maybe a college of electors."

Democrats warned that the counting up the number of votes to see who received more was textbook fascism. "Democracy cannot survive in a system where you add up votes, because people could vote for fascists. Voting is how democracy dies," explained Democratic Senator Adam Schiff. "Voting is how we got Trump, and now our country is dead, again. It's time to protect democracy by eliminating voting altogether."

At publishing time, Democrats proposed that future Presidential elections should instead be decided by a 38-year-old barista named Tina, who lives in the suburbs of Chicago.

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