Spring Break Shark Attack by STEVEthePIRATE

GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

Spring Break Shark Attack

POSTED BY: STEVETHEPIRATE
UPDATED: Tuesday, March 22, 2005 16:11
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VIEWED: 3466
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Monday, March 21, 2005 6:23 AM

Wow. Simply put, wow. Did anybody else see any of this? It was thisclose to being bad enough to be wildly entertaining. Not quite, though.

There was a genital herpes commercial at about halfway through the movie, and I'm fairly sure it was more entertaining.

"Hey! I've got genital herpes!" Like he was proud. I laughed uncontrollably for about a minute, so I'm not sure if someone rebuffed his insinuation that having herpes makes you cool.

Anyway - anybody catch the plot on this? Seems like there was an old couple that had looks on their faces like they were responsible for the sharks.

Please, supplant my boredom with information - or at least the rest of the script from that herpes commercial.

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I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ... then find someone whose life is giving them vodka, and have a party.

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Monday, March 21, 2005 7:10 AM

ZOID

STEVEthePIRATE:

This is exactly what is wrong with scripted television. The show would have been much better done live, with actual spring breakers getting attacked by actual sharks.

The 'winners' (read: 'survivors') would have been provided with free cosmetic surgery and learned who their real Daddies were (not just who their Momma told 'em).

Sincerely,

Gail Berman
President of Entertainment,
Fox Broadcasting Company
_________________________________________________

"Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me." The Ballad of Serenity

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Monday, March 21, 2005 7:27 AM

STEVETHEPIRATE

Ooh! Would they get a chance to marry a midget after that?

Forgot to mention the ad they aired for Locusts, the next crap-fest CBS is gonna throw at us pretty soon. Gotta say, I think we should get the word out on this one.

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I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ... then find someone whose life is giving them vodka, and have a party.

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Monday, March 21, 2005 8:04 AM

ZOID

StP:

Know why sharks attack humans?

Because they're sick of seafood...

(With a tip o' the tam to the late Dudley Moore, CBE, from Arthur.)

Thoughtfully,

zoid

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Monday, March 21, 2005 9:05 AM

INSIGHT SPINNER

Quote:
Originally posted by zoid:

StP:

Know why sharks attack humans?

Because they're sick of seafood...

(With a tip o' the tam to the late Dudley Moore, CBE, from Arthur.)

Thoughtfully,

zoid

Hey Zoid! Thanks for the Arthur tip in. I found the commercials for this movie so funny I would actually be gasping for breath. Eat them all!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

okay, I'm better now.

insight spinner
__________

Just an object. It doesn't mean what you think....

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Monday, March 21, 2005 9:07 AM

DUG

OK, here's a lack-of-plot synopsis:

1. Somehow the construction of a new reef has allowed the town to have it's first ever college spring break. This new reef is drawing the crowds away from a nearby town named East Point. I don't know what the reef has to do with drunken college kids, but this is a critical point that won't be mentioned again until the end.

2. Our group of clueless girls flounce around the beach. Only the virgin actually manages to pick up guys. She manages to hook 2. Oh, I should mention that one of the guys is from "Girls Unleashed", though he does very little videotaping. He seems more intent on having sex with said virgin. He slips her a roofie, but nothing really happens.

3. After not really reacting to the possible date rape our plucky group of heroines boards a boat with the virgin's 2 boyfriends. Please note, these guys are already known to be the only possible culprits of the aforementioned drugging. Clearly none of them care.

4. Chum mysteriously pours out of their boat right after they all get in the water for a swim. Sharks appear. Hilarity ensues, everyone gets onto the boat which starts sinking for no reason. Since the engines also break for no reason they decide NOT to bother the busy coast guard. They repair the engines themselves and limp their sinking way to Gilligan's Island.

5. They spend the evening cuddled around the campfre calmly discussing who is a rapist and who isn't. They eventually decide it was the "Girl's Unleashed" guy, and are very mildly irritated at him. They find a dead body, so they all hug and then head into the town on the miraculously repaired boat.

6. Everyone wanders home leaving just one person to try and convince the Coast Guard that sharks are everywhere (with no evidence that sharks are anywhere). No one considers charging the roofie guy with attempted rape, since they don't care about that. Oddly, just as the Coast Guard says they have no reason to shut down the beach 50 bajillion sharks swim right up and start chowing on people. YAY!!!!

7. Since the Coast Guard is still doing nothing it is up to our plucky heroes to save the day. (BTW, when I say the Coast Guard is doing nothing, I mean it. They're standing on the board walk holding night sticks watching kids get eaten 50 yards away. They didn't even yell that sharks were coming. Nope, just stood there.) Virgin, her dork brother who just happens to study sharks, and the boyfriend who didn't drug her go out and spread chum in the waters. For no discernable reason this makes the sharks STOP EATING THE COLLEGE KIDS AND CHASE THE BOAT. YAY!!!!

8. Some extremely non dramatic crap happens. And then the sharks go away. Oh, we also find out that the owner of a huge club in East Point had been renting the boat that leaked chum earlier and has been chumming the waters around the beach EVERY MORNING!!!!! How dastardly! He wanted to get this beach shut down so the spring breakers would go back to East Point!!! I told you that was critical!!! So the beach is now closed by an undisclosed "they" and "they" have also decided to dismantle the new reef. Which has played no discernable role in any of this.

Well, that sucked.

But that genital herpes commercial rocked!! That guy's just way too happy about it!

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Monday, March 21, 2005 9:38 AM

STEVETHEPIRATE

So, the old guy would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those meddling spring-breakers, right?

Note: Stevethepirate was considering changing his signature to "Hey! I've got genital herpes!" He has since decided against this plan, for (presumably) obvious reasons.

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I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ... then find someone whose life is giving them vodka, and have a party. - Ron White

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Monday, March 21, 2005 10:10 AM

DUG

Quote:
Originally posted by STEVEthePIRATE:
So, the old guy would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those meddling spring-breakers, right?

I think you've pegged it. And apparently if he had put the cork back into the bottom of the boat. That was both why the chum mysteriously spilled out and why the boat mysteriously started sinking. Why this didn't happen until all of the spring breakers jumped into the water is, of course, mysterious.

I hope Locusts is a better crappy movie. If it isn't we might have to pitch a horror-comedy based on the herpes commercial.

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005 11:01 AM

MALICIOUS

I want you to know, StP, that I found this thread highly illuminating. We have cast a spotlight on the entire problem with television: a LACK of quality movies such as this. (Mal-Licious shakes head back and forth and says "tsk, tsk" and then, "for shame")

Can I be in the herpes movie?

Mal-licious

Co-Holder of the Red Bell from Hell

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005 11:08 AM

DUG

Of course you can be in the herpes movie. Would you prefer to serve the Great Herp or fight against it in the resistance?

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005 11:22 AM

MALICIOUS

Dug,

I would like to smear the salve of peace. With a giant Qtip. While wearing blue gloves.

Mal-licious

Co-Holder of the Red Bell from Hell

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005 12:28 PM

STEVETHEPIRATE

Coming soon to CBS Sunday Night
A www.fireflyfans.net production
of a STEVEthePIRATE film:

[smoke billows on screen in front of a wide shot of the earth, surrounded by the black]

Narrator: Thousands of years ago, before sexual contraceptives as we know them, there was the great Herpatron. Hurling STD-laced mucous at lower beings who were unaware of his presence, Herpatron was all but invincible. Humans were unaware because, back then, Herpatron's existence was only a prophecy; but now, in the future, the past has occured.

STEVEthePIRATE hands the baton to the next poster...

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005 4:11 PM

MALICIOUS

(Mal-Licious grabs the baton with her gloved hand and runs with it.)

Herpatron had only one nemesis: Abstentia, goddess of virginity. She was a great beauty and ruled over this land for millennia. However, during the 1970's and 80's...not so much. Teenage humans began to ridicule her and she lost much of her power, until they grew older and wiser and wished they had listened to her teachings instead of their boyfriends. But we digress.

Mal-licious

Co-Holder of the Red Bell from Hell

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