FIREFLY/Monty Python mix by reginaroadie

GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

FIREFLY/Monty Python mix

POSTED BY: REGINAROADIE
UPDATED: Tuesday, April 12, 2005 07:48
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Thursday, April 7, 2005 4:24 PM

Here's another humor thread. I saw this on the 24 boards, so I decided to transplant it here. Here's a what if scenario for all of us to elaborate on.

If FIREFLY had any of the Monty Python gang on their writing staff, what would be some of the scenes in the show?

How about in "Safe", where at the moment of Simon and River's rescue from the hill folk, or during Ariel where they came for them, this happens.

Mal: Hey Doc

Simon: Thank God you've come, Mal.

Mal: Well, I think I should point out first, Simon, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the Independence, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Simon and River, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "

Simon and River: What?

Mal: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the verse from the hands of the Alliance imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with space travel, medicine, shipping routes, terraforming-, education, sake making and any other Alliance personell contributing to the welfare of Independents of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the Independents and the crew of Serenity. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Simon and River, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.

(Mal then gives a salute and an applause, then turns around and walks away.)

Simon: YOU BASTARDS! YOU STUPID, WANKING BASTARDS!!!!!

That's based on the final moments in LIFE OF BRIAN. Thought it would be funny.

So what blends of FIREFLY characters and Python humor can you guys come up with.

"NO HAI ES BANDAI. THERE IS....NO.....BAND. AND YET....WE HEAR A BAND."

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Thursday, April 7, 2005 4:47 PM

ZOID

reginaroadie:

How about a scene from Monty Whedon's, "The Meaning of Serenity"?

...

Book: "...Woke up this morning, one sock too many!"

Simon: "I suppose we'd better have a look at this 'one leg' of yours... Hmmm... Yes... Well, there's a lot of it going about. Probably a virus or something."

(ya-da, ya-da...)

Mal: "A tiger?!?"

Reaver Horde (in unison): "A tiger!" (all run away)

Mal: "A tiger? In outer space?"

(ya-da, ya-da...)

Badger (wearing moth-eaten tiger suit): "Oh! A leg! Well, actually, I think there is one back in there someplace... And of course I'll take all the blame"

Respectfully,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"Thanks for the reassurance, Doc."

"Not at all. That's what I'm here for. Now is there anything else I can reassure you about? -Simon, Monty Whedon's Meaning of Serenity

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Thursday, April 7, 2005 5:03 PM

EMBERS

I'm just thinking it would take a lot longer to return to the ship
if all you have are two half coconuts
instead of a horse

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Thursday, April 7, 2005 5:40 PM

MONTANAGIRL

*Reavers burst through the doorway.*

NOBODY expects the Reavers! Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear, fear and surprise. Our TWO weapons are fear, surprise and an almost ruthless efficiency. Our THREE weapons... and nice "red" uniforms, oh damn.

If you can be an idiot, I can be an idiot. - D'Argo

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Thursday, April 7, 2005 6:01 PM

FFYING2

Every time someone returns to the ship, River is at the door going...

River: Before you enter Sereni-TEE, answer me these questions THREE!

(Hint, "blue" is NEVER the correct answer to River's "What is your favorite color?")
-----

In "Ariel," Jayne returns from the airlock, visibly shaken.

Book: What did the Captain DO to you?!

Jayne: He used... sarcasm. He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor,
bathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire. He was vicious.

(Zoic's CGI hedgehog named "Spiny Norman" goes by, saying "Dinsdale. Dinsdale.")
-----

Mal explaining the "War Stories" post-Wash-rescue torture.

Mal: And then Niska turned me into a NEWT!

(off everyone's looks) I got better.

Ying

Firefly Funsite http://fireflyfunsite.home.att.net
Firefly Chinese Pinyinary http://fireflychinese.home.att.net

Browncoats.com http://www.browncoats.com

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Thursday, April 7, 2005 6:10 PM

ANOTHERFIREFLYFAN

Hillfolk : She's a witch! Burn the witch!

River: I am not a witch!

Patriarch: She turned me into a newt!

...I got better. Also, she reads minds and spins falsehoods!

Hillfolk: BURN HER!!!!

Keep flying

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Thursday, April 7, 2005 6:22 PM

ZOID

embers:

...Although, it would depend on whether it was a European swallow or an African swallow, you know, gripping the husk.

And while we're at it: That whole argument from Holy Grail reminds me of the infamous FFFn topics of 'Galaxy vs. Single System' and 'Faster or Slower Than Light'. I guess it just goes to prove that geeks were around even back in Medieval times...

Thoughtfully,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. (*thwack!*)" Chanting Monks, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Thursday, April 7, 2005 7:30 PM

SHINY

CROW: Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go, or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.

MAL: Darn.

Mal kicks CROW into the engine intakes. Horrible crunching sounds happen. Mal turns toward the 2nd henchman.

CROW (voice echos weakly from within the whirring engine intake): It's merely a flesh wound!!!

MAL: What?!? You've been cut into little bitty pieces!

CROW: I've hurt worse!

MAL: You lie!

CROW: Come on, you pansy!

MAL (over intercom): Wash, go to full burn.

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Thursday, April 7, 2005 7:49 PM

ZOID

Simon's Story...
in which our intrepid young doctor, Simon 'Galahad' Tam, visits The Maiden's Home on Triumph

...

SIMON: Open the door!
Open the door!
(pound pound pound)

In the name of Elder Gommen, open the door!
(squeak)
(thump)
(squeak)
(boom)

GIRLS: Hello!

SAFFRON: Welcome gentle sir. Welcome to the Maiden's Home.

SIMON: The Maiden's Home?

SAFFRON: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!

SIMON: I saw the lighted red cross in your second story window. That means that there are people in this abode who are sick and need medical attention. I brought some multivaccine shots.

SAFFRON: The what?

SIMON: Multivaccine shots. They'll cure your sick... And keep you from catching any stray diseases. (smiles weakly at his own attempt at humor)

SAFFRON: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!

MIDGET and CRAPPER: Yes, O Saffron?

SAFFRON: Prepare a bed for our guest.

MIDGET and CRAPPER: Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...

SAFFRON: Away, away lazy harlots. The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big. (presses her low-cut bodice toward him)

SIMON: Well, look, I-- I-- uh--

SAFFRON: What is your name, handsome sir?

SIMON: Simon... Doctor Simon, um, Tam.

SAFFRON: Mine is Saffron. Just Saffron. Oh, but come.

SIMON: Look, please! Just let me tend to your sick. I have many more houses to visit this afternoon!

SAFFRON: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.

SIMON: No, look. I've got the injector and the single-dose ampules! They're here, in this--

SAFFRON: Doctor Simon! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

SIMON: Well, I-- I-- uh--

SAFFRON: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in the Mainden's Home with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome doctors. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. (sees a scratch on his hand) Oh, but you are wounded!

SIMON: No, no-- it's-- it's nothing.

SAFFRON: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down. (clap clap)

PIGLET: Well, what seems to be the trouble?

SIMON: They're doctors?!

SAFFRON: Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes.

SIMON: B-- but--

SAFFRON: Oh, come, come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practice your art.

WINSTON: Try to relax. (starts unbuckling the patient's trousers)

SIMON: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

PIGLET: We must examine you. (reaches inside his trousers)

SIMON: There's nothing wrong with that!

PIGLET: Please. We are doctors.

SIMON: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to the Hippocratic Oath!

PIGLET: Back to your bed! At once!

SIMON: Torment me no longer. Bring me your sick, so I may heal them and continue my rounds!

PIGLET: There's no sickness here.

SIMON: I have seen it! I have seen the lighted red cross at your upper window! (clank! door opens and 20-30 nubile young girls crowd in) I have seen--

GIRLS: Hello.

SIMON: Oh.

GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

SIMON: Saffron!

BRIDGET: No, I am Saffron's identical twin sister, Bridget.

SIMON: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

BRIDGET: Where are you going?

SIMON: I must see to your sick! I have seen the lighted red cross, in the upper story of this Maiden's Home!

BRIDGET: (gasps!) Oh no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Saffron!

SIMON: Well, what is it?

BRIDGET: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Saffron! She has been setting alight our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is cross-shaped, using red candles, which is all we poor young women -- late-teen girls just past the age of consent, really -- are given by the wicked men of the town. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

SIMON: So there's no one sick here?

BRIDGET: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Saffron! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty. And here in the Maiden's Home, we have but one punishment for setting alight the cross-shaped beacon, using red candles. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her.

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

BRIDGET: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.

AMAZING: And spank me.

STUNNER: And me.

LOVELY: And me.

BRIDGET: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!

BRIDGET: And after the spanking, the oral sex.

GIRLS: The oral sex! The oral sex!

SIMON: Well, I could stay a bit longer.

JAYNE: Doc!

SIMON: Oh, hello.

JAYNE: Quick!

SIMON: What?

JAYNE: Quick!

SIMON: Why?

JAYNE: You are in great peril!

BRIDGET: No he isn't.

JAYNE: Silence, foul temptress!

SIMON: You know, she's got a point.

JAYNE: Come on! I'll cover your escape!

SIMON: Look, I'm fine!

JAYNE: Come on!

GIRLS: Doctor Simon!

SIMON: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

BRIDGET: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

GIRLS: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

JAYNE: No, Doc. Come on!

SIMON: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.

BRIDGET: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.

GIRLS: Yes. Let him handle us easily.

JAYNE: No. Quick! Quick!

SIMON: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!

BRIDGET: Yes, yes! He will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.

GIRLS: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily... (door closes with a boom)

BRIDGET: Oh, shit.

...

JAYNE: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

SIMON: I don't think I was.

JAYNE: Yes you were. You were in terrible peril.

SIMON: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

JAYNE: No, it's too perilous.

SIMON: Look, it's my duty as a doctor to sample as much peril as I can.

JAYNE: No, we've got to cure the sick. Come on!

SIMON: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

JAYNE: No. It's unhealthy.

SIMON: I bet you're gay.

JAYNE: No I'm not.

Prophylactically,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me." The Ballad of Serenity

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Thursday, April 7, 2005 8:13 PM

ANOTHERFIREFLYFAN

lmao! I love that scene.

Keep flying

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Thursday, April 7, 2005 11:44 PM

SIMONWHO

Amnon, the postmaster from 'The Message' is standing behind his counter. Mal approaches.

Mal: I wish to make a complaint.

Amnon: We're closin' for lunch.

Mal: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this ex-colleague what I collected not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Amnon: Oh yes, the, uh, the Coat of Brown...What's,uh...What's wrong with him?

Mal: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with him!

Amnon: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mal: Look, matey, I know a dead soldier when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Amnon: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable guy, the Coat of Brown, isn't he, ay? Beautiful medals!

Mal: The medals don't enter into it. He's stone dead.

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Friday, April 8, 2005 12:03 AM

ANOTHERFIREFLYFAN

lmao!!!

How about :

I never wanted to be a blue hands guy, I always wanted to be a lumberjack!

Keep flying

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Friday, April 8, 2005 3:45 AM

MUTT999

Simon's birthday in "Out of Gas":

Kaylee (to Simon): Hope you like it.Couldn't get a hold of no flour, so it's mostly Spam. In fact, it's pretty much what we just had for supper, Spam. But I tried to make the Spam frosting as non-Spam tasting as possible.

Simon: Thank you. I'm really very deeply moved.

"That's the buffet table....."

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Friday, April 8, 2005 6:23 AM

XENOCIDE

Scene: Wash, cockpit, playing with dinosaurs.

Zoe enters. Storms center to Wash:

Zoe: Have I come to the right place for an argument...

You know the rest...

-Eli

If voting mattered, they'd make it illegal.
http://www.bcpl.net/~wilsonr/farpoint.html

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Friday, April 8, 2005 9:03 AM

ARAMINA

Show off :p

When I think of an interesting signature you'll be the first to know.

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Friday, April 8, 2005 9:05 AM

ARAMINA

Simon, River and Jayne get arrested on Ariel

Simon: Help! Help! I'm being oppressed. Come and see the violence inherrent in the system!

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Friday, April 8, 2005 10:32 AM

SOUPCATCHER

Nice one xenocide! That's one of my favorite Python skits.

* nugget de-bumping operation

---------------------
Next up: Early "Nutcrusher" Jubal and the Firebuggers

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Sunday, April 10, 2005 5:32 AM

REGINAROADIE

Bump, and another sketch

(Arrow lands in Jayne's chest)

JAYNE: Message for ya, Mal. (slumps over)

MAL: (reading note) To whom it may concern. My sister and I have been captured and are being held against our will. You will find us in the top north west corner of the nearest Alliance facility. At last. A sign. A sign that could lead us to the whereabouts of the Tam siblings. Rest assured, Jayne. You will not have died in vain.

JAYNE: Uhh, I'm all right Mal.

MAL: The you will not have been horribly wounded in vain.

JAYNE: Uhh, I think I'm going to pull through, Mal. I can come with ya if you want.

MAL: No, no. You just rest, Jayne. I shall go forth and brave whatever foes I must have to in order to save the captives.

(Pulls out a gun and runs off)

JAYNE: OK, Mal. I'll just wait here, then.

Or

Mal: Wash, Jayne, make sure the prisoner doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

Wash: Not to leave the room... even if you come and get him.

Jayne: (hiccups)

Mal: No, no. *Until* I come and get him.

Wash: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

Mal: No, no, no. You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn't leave.

Wash: And you'll come and get him.

Jayne: (hiccups)

Mal: Right.

Wash: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.

Mal: No, no. *Leaving* the room.

Wash: Leaving the room, yes.

Mal: All right?

Jayne: (hiccups)

Wash: Right. Oh, if, if, if, uh, if, if, uh, if, if, if, we... oh, if... oh...

Mal: Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?

Jayne: (hiccups)

Wash: Oh, I remember, uh, can he leave the room with us?

Mal: No, no, no, no, you just keep him in here, and make sure...

Wash: Oh yeah, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave, and we were with him...

Mal: No, just keep him in here...

Wash: Until you, or anyone else...

Mal: No, not anyone else. Just me.

Wash: Just you.

Jayne: (hiccups)

Mal: Get back.

Wash: Get back.

Mal: All right?

Wash: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
Mal: And make sure he doesn't leave.

Wash: What?

Mal: Make sure he doesn't leave.

Wash: The prisoner?

Mal: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.

Wash: Oh, yes, of course.

(Points at Jayne)

Wash: I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me I were to guard him when he's a guard.

Mal: Is that clear?

Jayne: (hiccups)

Wash: Oh, quite clear. No problems.

Mal: Right.

(Mal turns to leave the room, Wash and Jayne follow him)

Mal: Where are you going?

Wash: We're coming with you.

Mal: No, no, no. I want you to stay here and make sure *he* doesn't leave.

Wash: Oh, I see. Right.

"NO HAI ES BANDAI. THERE IS....NO.....BAND. AND YET....WE HEAR A BAND."

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Sunday, April 10, 2005 6:16 AM

EMBERS

spam spam spam spam spam spam
http://www.mailmsg.com/sounds/spam-song.wav

I think our BDH should sing 'Galaxy' by Monty Python:

Whenever life get you down, Mrs. Brown,
And things seem hard or tough.
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite enu-hu-hu-huuuuff!
Just - re-member that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
and revolving at 900 miles an hour,
It's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned,
the sun that is the source of all our power.
The Sun and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
are moving at a million miles a day,
In the outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour,
of the Galaxy we call the Milky Way.
Our Galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars,
it's 100,000 light-years side-to-side,
It bulges in the middle, 16,000 light-years thick,
but out by us it's just 3000 light-years wide.
We're 30,000 light-years from galactic central point,
we go round every 200 million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
in this amazing and expanding universe.
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
in all of the directions it can whizz,
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light you know,
twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
how amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
because there's bugger all down here on Earth.
http://www.mwscomp.com/sounds/mp3/galaxy.mp3
(AKA the Earth that was...).

credit is due to this great site:
http://www.mwscomp.com/sound.html

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Sunday, April 10, 2005 8:54 AM

DARKJESTER

Book is walking along the Eavesdown Docks, and comes upon a Firefly-class ship, with a pretty young girl twirling a parasol out front. He walks up to her, but before he can say a word.....

Kaylee(suggestively):"Do you want to go upstairs?"

Book:"Pardon me?"

Kaylee:(wink-n-grin):"You know..." (tilts her head towards the ship) "upstairs..."

(pause)

Book (looking confused):"Well I..."

Kaylee (suddenly businesslike):"Or are you looking to book passage to Boros?"

Book:"Yes, um, passage to Boros."

Kaylee:"Wonderful! The ship is Serenity, and she's the smoothest ride from here to Boros for them as can pay."

Book (interrupting):"Um, what was that you were talking about, upstairs?"

Kaylee:"Oh, nevermind. Now, you'll need to speak to our captian....."

MAL "You only gotta scare him."
JAYNE "Pain is scary..."

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Sunday, April 10, 2005 9:37 AM

MONTANAGIRL

Quote:
Originally posted by embers:
credit is due to this great site:
http://www.mwscomp.com/sound.html

Thanks for the link! Python songs are always a good thing.

If you can be an idiot, I can be an idiot. - D'Argo

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Tuesday, April 12, 2005 7:48 AM

ODDNESS2HER

At the Southdown Abbey:

A line of monks walks single file, chanting and periodically whacking themselves in the head with wooden planks.

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