Mitch Hedberg 1968-2005 by OPPYH

GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

Mitch Hedberg 1968-2005

POSTED BY: OPPYH
UPDATED: Tuesday, August 2, 2005 14:58
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Sunday, July 31, 2005 10:19 AM

I just found out that my favorite comedian of all time Mitch Hedberg passed away. He had a special on Comedy Central,and he was also on Crank Yankers, That 70's show, and Letterman. He has 3 cd's out. They are available at Amazon.com. So sad, he was just starting to get real popular. Anyone else a fan?
Anyway here are a few quotes from his performances:

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

"I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

"I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

"It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."

"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

"I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away."

"And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

"I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something."

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others."

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."

"I lke refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time."

"I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?"

"This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard."

"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead."

"I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit."

"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."

"My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed poatoes," I was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If your ging to quiz me, you must put a pause in there."

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escaloaor temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music" As though there's another way you can take it in. Your not special. That's how I recieve it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."

"I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."

"I was at the airport and this guy came up to me and said I saw you on tv last night. He didn't say if I was any good. He just told me where I was. So turned away for a minute and said Hey I saw you at the airport a minute ago. You were good."

I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss.

"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."

"I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil and the devil is....Dill."

"Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right."

"I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."

"I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you."

"I've been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says "Hey Washington U, Did you go there?" Yeah! It was a Wednesday."

"Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them."

"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

"I brought a donut and the guy gave me a recieipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the senerio where I would have to prove that I broughrt a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here."

"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."

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Monday, August 1, 2005 5:21 PM

FFYING2

Not sure. I may have seen him on Letterman's show, but this is sad for his family, friends, and fans.

Some of the other jokes seemed liked they'd be funnier when spoken within a routine, but these made me laugh:

Quote:
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard.

Quote:
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera.

Quote:
I brought a donut and the guy gave me a recieipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the senerio where I would have to prove that I broughrt a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here.

Quote:
When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes.

Ying

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Monday, August 1, 2005 5:27 PM

DEANNAMAY

Sad to say I missed out on this guy. As I read the quotes I found myself laughing at most of them. To think how funny they must have been uttered by a real person. My condolences to his family.

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Monday, August 1, 2005 6:09 PM

LISSA

Quote:
Originally posted by DeannaMay:
Sad to say I missed out on this guy. As I read the quotes I found myself laughing at most of them. To think how funny they must have been uttered by a real person. My condolences to his family.

you have no idea...his delivery and voice were freaking amazing. i miss him:(

~lissa, spwhore

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Monday, August 1, 2005 6:43 PM

AURAPTOR

America loves a winner!

His web site says he died March 30th. ( 1 day before my b-day) Oddlly enough, the date of the posting of his passing away was April 1st. I guess there was no joking about this matter.

" They don't like it when you shoot at 'em. I worked that out myself. "

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Monday, August 1, 2005 6:51 PM

SOONERTHEBETTER

The news of thise broke - *BROKE* - my heart. He's the only modern comedians you could listen to and laugh hysterically from start to finish. He was dangerously funny.

Two of my all-time favorites:
"When someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're saying: 'Here. YOU throw this away.'"

"I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat.""

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Monday, August 1, 2005 8:41 PM

OPPYH

Quote:
Originally posted by DeannaMay:
Sad to say I missed out on this guy. As I read the quotes I found myself laughing at most of them. To think how funny they must have been uttered by a real person. My condolences to his family.

Yeah, he was one of a kind. I wanted to see his popularity skyrocket. If anyone deserved it, he did. Sadly, he died just as he was getting to that point.

Here are more lines from his performances:

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.

2

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Tuesday, August 2, 2005 5:38 AM

BATMARLOWE

I loved Mitch Hedberg. When I saw his first Comedy Central half-hour, I knew I was seeing the next great comedian. Luckily they've re-run that one often enough that I was able to make a DVD of it. He did a second one but I haven't seen it since it first aired.

It's a real tragedy we lost him so young. What a brilliant mind! And his delivery was perfect and unique. You read some of his lines and you don't see why they're all that funny. But to here him SAY them? His perspective was one of a kind. I was shocked when I learned he had died. It was too soon to lose such a great comic mind.

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Tuesday, August 2, 2005 7:16 AM

DEANNAMAY

Thanks for posting that bit about CD's on Amazon, I went there and found two, which I have purchased. I'll have to keep my eyes open for the third one. I look forward to hearing his voice. One nice thing about being a media talent, you will never be forgotten as long as you have fans. And in my case, you get fans even after you are gone.

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Tuesday, August 2, 2005 2:58 PM

OPPYH

Quote:
Originally posted by DeannaMay:
Thanks for posting that bit about CD's on Amazon, I went there and found two, which I have purchased. I'll have to keep my eyes open for the third one. I look forward to hearing his voice. One nice thing about being a media talent, you will never be forgotten as long as you have fans. And in my case, you get fans even after you are gone.

I misinformed you. He only has 2 cd's available, and a dvd of his Comedy Central special available at comedycentral.com. Sorry about that.

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