The Evil Doctor Answers Your Problems by SimonWho

GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

The Evil Doctor Answers Your Problems

POSTED BY: SIMONWHO
UPDATED: Wednesday, August 31, 2005 05:32
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VIEWED: 7784
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Wednesday, August 17, 2005 10:33 AM

ODDNESS2HER

How do I get rid of the ants swarming all over my kitchen?

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Thursday, August 18, 2005 11:41 PM

SIMONWHO

I'd like to tackle your problem in a slightly different way.

Listen up ants, here's how you drive this person out of their home. First invade her kitchen. You've done that, good on you.

Second you hide out in every white coloured food in the house. Think flour, sugar, bread, salt, etc, etc.

Third, wait until the owner is asleep than crawl into the mouth by the hundred. You will lose a few members but it's for the good of the colony.

Fourth, after that, the owner will doubtlessly phone for exterminators. It is crucial when you see this call being made that you entirely abandon the area. Wait for the exterminator to find no trace of you and then leave.

Repeat steps 2 - 4 until the exterminator calls in the psych ward or you actually drive the owner mad.

Step five, the house is now yours! Enjoy.

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Friday, August 19, 2005 5:50 AM

ODDNESS2HER

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
I'd like to tackle your problem in a slightly different way.

Listen up ants, here's how you drive this person out of their home. First invade her kitchen. You've done that, good on you.

Second you hide out in every white coloured food in the house. Think flour, sugar, bread, salt, etc, etc.

Third, wait until the owner is asleep than crawl into the mouth by the hundred. You will lose a few members but it's for the good of the colony.

Fourth, after that, the owner will doubtlessly phone for exterminators. It is crucial when you see this call being made that you entirely abandon the area. Wait for the exterminator to find no trace of you and then leave.

Repeat steps 2 - 4 until the exterminator calls in the psych ward or you actually drive the owner mad.

Step five, the house is now yours! Enjoy.

Thanks, Doc, you're all heart.

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Friday, August 19, 2005 6:46 AM

CALLMESERENITY

Or rather, his heart is a few sizes too small.

Serenity, First Officer of Destiny

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Friday, August 19, 2005 9:21 PM

SIMONWHO

Quote:
Originally posted by CallMeSerenity:
Or rather, his heart is a few sizes too small.

Just a quick tip to any meglomaniacs out there. I recommend a type 3 chest compressor to make your heart as small as possible. Very useful for ensuring you don't have moments of weakness for the prettier ones of your foes but it does give you a tendency to gloat, explain your plans to defeated opponents and make statements of dramatic hyperbole such as "Nothing in the World can Stop Me Now!"

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Saturday, August 20, 2005 5:32 AM

THEREALME

Hi, Doc,

I have a.... Ahem! ...friend... who might be interested in setting up a mad scientist lab. You know the kind I mean. What sort of equipment do you consider essential, and what is the best way to acquire it?

The Real Me, First Officer of the Sereni-Tree

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Saturday, August 20, 2005 7:10 AM

NOX2HED

Hey doc, it hurts when I do this

what should I do?
_ _ _

If I don't succeed at that, I got another question. Have a bunch of images from various sites that am editing-morphing and need to know how far an image needs to be altered to where it no longer requires copyright logo. You know where I could find that information?

_ _ _ _ _
One of us is crazy, and it's not you!

There's nothing wrong with me that some expensive medication can't prolong. (Doc, ya got that in generic?)

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Friday, August 26, 2005 12:18 PM

SIMONWHO

Quote:
Originally posted by TheRealMe:

I have a.... Ahem! ...friend... who might be interested in setting up a mad scientist lab. You know the kind I mean. What sort of equipment do you consider essential, and what is the best way to acquire it?

Okay, first up, get an assistant. I prefer people called Igor but then I'm a traditionalist. You really do need someone who does all the heavy lifting, carrying, burying etc. Whip them occasionally, keep them in their place.

Next, you will need lots of equipment for no discernable reason. Things that glow, spark, fizzle, you know. These are distractions from your real weapons of mass destruction which should look as innocuous as possible.

Finally, really go for it, think outside the box, try every possible solution to the obstacles you encounter (remember, you have no moral obligations at all). Just be the best evil genius you can be.

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Friday, August 26, 2005 12:27 PM

SIMONWHO

Quote:
Originally posted by nox2hed:
Hey doc, it hurts when I do this

what should I do?
_ _ _

If I don't succeed at that, I got another question. Have a bunch of images from various sites that am editing-morphing and need to know how far an image needs to be altered to where it no longer requires copyright logo. You know where I could find that information?

First, hanging should be fatal. Keep adjusting the ropes until you get it right.

I'll deal with your second point after you have succeeded.

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Friday, August 26, 2005 12:37 PM

CITIZEN

No matter what I do my victims continue to escape...
How do I stop them?

Q: What do you have when you are holding two little green balls in your hand.
A: Kermit's undivided attention.

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Friday, August 26, 2005 12:43 PM

NOX2HED

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
Quote:
Originally posted by nox2hed:
Hey doc, it hurts when I do this

what should I do?
_ _ _

If I don't succeed at that, I got another question.

First, hanging should be fatal. Keep adjusting the ropes until you get it right.

I'll deal with your second point after you have succeeded.

I think.. it’s… wooorrkkkk.k..i…i.. aach !

_ _ _ _ _
One of us is crazy, and it's not you!

There's nothing wrong with me that some expensive medication can't prolong. (Doc, ya got that in generic?)

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Friday, August 26, 2005 12:59 PM

SIMONWHO

Quote:
Originally posted by citizen:
No matter what I do my victims continue to escape...
How do I stop them?

Placing our victims in overly elaborate and easily escapable death scenarios is a tradition, one you will come to love. Victims escaping is a part of that tradition, an unfortunate but necessary part. The key is to often let them almost escape and then suddenly, BAM, they fall into a massive pit of spikes or get eaten by a leopard.

Just remember where you put the traps, eh?

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Friday, August 26, 2005 1:01 PM

SIMONWHO

Quote:
Originally posted by nox2hed:

I think.. it’s… wooorrkkkk.k..i…i.. aach !

Another satisfied customer.

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Friday, August 26, 2005 1:06 PM

CITIZEN

Can they be eaten by Nija Gorrillas?

Q: What do you have when you are holding two little green balls in your hand.
A: Kermit's undivided attention.

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Friday, August 26, 2005 1:20 PM

THATWEIRDGIRL

still not playing doctor with me?

www.thatweirdgirl.com
---
"...turn right at the corner then skip two blocks...no, SKIP, the hopping-like thing kids do...Why? Why not?"

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Friday, August 26, 2005 1:31 PM

UNCHARTEDOUTLAW

Quote:
Originally posted by thatweirdgirl:
still not playing doctor with me?

Now there's a visual!!

-Taylor

http://norcalriviera.blogspot.com
http://www.cafepress.com/norcalriviera

**Winner of That Other Shiny Caption Game #2**

River: "So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem."

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Friday, August 26, 2005 1:47 PM

SIMONWHO

Alas, under the conditions of my parole, I am not allowed to be within 50 feet of you. And I had such interesting surgeries planned...

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Friday, August 26, 2005 3:10 PM

TRUTHSEEKER

Quote:
Originally posted by thatweirdgirl:
still not playing doctor with me?

www.thatweirdgirl.com
---
"...turn right at the corner then skip two blocks...no, SKIP, the hopping-like thing kids do...Why? Why not?"

Well, I'm not a doctor, but I'd be willing to lend a hand (so to speak) for some of that naughty rubbing that was mentioned earlier...

*** *** ***
The woods are the only place where I can see a clear path.

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Friday, August 26, 2005 3:36 PM

CHRISISALL

Doc, every time I clean my gun, it tends to fire just as I get to the trigger-part.
I know it has to do with my not unloading it first, but every time I even think of doing that, the vision of Reavers smashin' down my front door spooks me such that my hair looks like Angel's.

Any suggestions?

Dirty firearmed Chrisisall

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Saturday, August 27, 2005 8:42 AM

SIMONWHO

Well, personally I have Igor clean all of my firearms so I can't comment on specifics but am I to understand from your problem with Reaver fear that you only have one gun?

I think the bare minimum any sensible member of society needs is:

5 handguns of assorted calibre.
Ammunition for said handguns to included armour piercing rounds, silver bullets, gold bullets and lead-free varieties.
Shotgun - preferably double barreled. This allows you to pull my favourite trick. Load one shotgun shell with rock salt, another with standard pellets. Wait until your prey is at close range then fire the rock salt shell at them. It'll sting but they will quickly recover and think you cannot harm them. Then you fire the other shot. Endless fun.
Grenades - you cannot have too many grendades.
Sniper Rifle. Let them think they've gotten away and then *bang*.
Knives, assorted. Pain is scary but anticipation of pain, much scarier. People respond to knives.
Man traps. Leave scattered around your premises. However a) remember where they are and b) remember to tell your housekeeper where they are (unless she is sloppy or has been stealing).

I sincerely hope you live in a country that thinks it a good idea for its citizens to have access to said materials without the need for pesky training or some testing to see if they might do something completely unexpected like kill someone with said tools.

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Saturday, August 27, 2005 2:46 PM

THATWEIRDGIRL

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
Alas, under the conditions of my parole, I am not allowed to be within 50 feet of you. And I had such interesting surgeries planned...

...why do I doubt that I was specifically mentioned in your parole papers? I think you're afraid of me....or perhaps the men...

www.thatweirdgirl.com
---
"...turn right at the corner then skip two blocks...no, SKIP, the hopping-like thing kids do...Why? Why not?"

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Sunday, August 28, 2005 1:21 PM

SIMONWHO

Afraid? Me? Bwah ha ha ha! I'm afraid of nothing (well, except circuses *shudders*)

Sadly my parole terms were drawn up by my do-gooder other half and for some reason he objected to my plans for you. Hence the 50 foot restriction.

I can however solve any problems you may be facing. Just not close up.

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Sunday, August 28, 2005 1:34 PM

CITIZEN

you see thats the problem with good other halves, I got rid of mine...
May i Suggest doing the same...
*Hands SimonWho a rather large chainsaw*

Q: What do you have when you are holding two little green balls in your hand.
A: Kermit's undivided attention.

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Sunday, August 28, 2005 4:27 PM

THATWEIRDGIRL

he tried that already...didn't work...his good side was too noble.

i can see that if your good side drew up the papers I would be listed...you know, i'm not completely against that whole tied up thing you did.

www.thatweirdgirl.com
---
"...turn right at the corner then skip two blocks...no, SKIP, the hopping-like thing kids do...Why? Why not?"

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005 6:28 AM

NOX2HED

I’m on a health kick (like tryen out a new hobby every week or so) and here’s my dilemma…

Been attemptin to make myself an orgasmic ‘happy meal’ but all I got`n hand are a couple sour grapes.

Thinken whats missen is some of the spice of life, got any suggestions? (please don’t tell me to take two assburns and call you in the mornin)

_ _ _ _ _
One of us is crazy, and it's not you!

Help! I'm standing and I can't fall down.

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005 7:41 AM

SIMONWHO

Well, it seems as though a lot of people nowadays are into diets and such like so here are my top tips:

1. Cigarettes. Cigarettes are great because a) they supress the appetite, b) you have something to do with your hands and mouth other than eat and c) you instantly look 37% cooler while smoking. I recommend smoking to everyone.

2. Heroin. Heroin is even more effective as an appetite surpressor than cigarettes and that's got to be good news. It's a little harder to get hold of and there's lots of pesky rules and regulations but if you're serious about weight loss, heroin may be the way to go.

3. Limb removal. Not only do you instantly drop 4-10 lbs, you will also have a good chance of bleeding out another 2 or 3 litres of blood. Plus if you lose both arms, you'll have to feed yourself with your feet and that's a dramatic appetite killer. I mean, who wants smelly, toejamed food, eh?

4. Being buried alive. Yes, this does cut down on your ability to do exercise but ultimately you'll make that up in your inability to pig out on junk food plus worms are very high protein.

5. Death. Ultimately though death is the best weight loss methodology. You are reduced to a mere 21 grams, which is as low fat as you can get. You don't need to rush out and get yourself killed, just keep following my earlier instructions and settle into death whenever you feel comfortable to do so.

Hope this helps.

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005 9:17 AM

NOX2HED

Doesn’t long slow agonizing desease fit in there somewhere between 3 and 5?

Although 1 and 2 sound like some something I'll have to look into.

_ _ _ _ _
One of us is crazy, and it's not you!

Help! I'm standing and I can't fall down.

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005 3:21 PM

MALICIOUS

Q: Why does Evil Doctor Simon Who keep a blender by his front door?

A: So he can give everyone a hand shake when they visit.

(A slight paraphrasing of an old Jeffrey Dahmer joke, but I think it fits in well here, don't you?)

Now my real question: Is hoping to win the lottery a practical and viable retirement plan? (Please say yes, it's the only plan I've got!)

Mal-licious

I'm going to add cursing and the hurling about of things to my repertoire.

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Wednesday, August 31, 2005 5:32 AM

NOX2HED

My (imaginary) wife and I have been having this running argument over whether or not it’s proper to spike the drinks of unsuspecting beautiful guests and have a night of unbridled debauchery at their expense.

She says no, we’ll end up payin for it in the morning, but I say yes, as the costs of pharmaceuticals has skyrocketed to the point we simply can’t afford to pay the consequences.

We agreed to leave the final decision in your professional (and well greased) hands.

(heard a rumor you’re taking a five week golfing vacation at a Texas ranch, so we’ll patiently await your decision)

_ _ _ _ _
One of us is crazy, and it's not you!

Help! I'm standing and I can't fall down.

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