I need help! Family troubles and the like... by JustShiny

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I need help! Family troubles and the like...

POSTED BY: JUSTSHINY
UPDATED: Monday, March 13, 2006 06:37
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Friday, March 10, 2006 6:42 PM

My brother and sister have been making my mom crazy. My sis is 13 and my bro is 15. And my mom is one of those people who, if she is mad, she takes it out on everyone. Except my bro and sis are at my dad's house, so she's really taking it out on me.

Right now, she's in my brother's room, putting things in black bags. Which she really shouldn't have to do cause she's already tired. Workin' like 40 hours a week and being a single mom is not fun, as I imagine.

Now, she says she'll throw them away, etc. But she is one of those people who (and I love my mom, but it's just how she is cause she's nice) makes threats like that, and never follows through, which my bro and sis have finally picked up on I guess. So they really don't take her seriously.

Like, she left a note on my brother's door, that asked him to clean his room, which he saw. But afterschool, he still went to his friends house and didn't do anything. My sister, who got off school early today, comes home, watches T.V., eats, and knits things on the couch. Then she doesn't pick up her soda cans (which she leaves on counters or end tables like 10 ft from the garbage) or put away clean dishes.

Anyway, I need help in finding a way to make them respect my mom more because (1) she don't need the stress. (2)I don't need the stress and (3) my brother and sister shouldn't be treating our mom like this.

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Friday, March 10, 2006 6:53 PM

UNREGISTEREDCOMPANION

Wow...teenagers and parents. Always a fun mix!

I have a 17 year old and a 16 year old, so I can understand a lot of what your mom is going through...but I am still married to the boys' father, so I always have back up :D

Now, the thing is, until your mom starts having real consequences for your brother's and sister's screwups, there isn't going to be any change. Your siblings know this and are going to keep taking total advantage of the situation.

So YES, your brother and sister are jerks, but YOUR MOM created this situation and only she can resolve it. No, it will NOT be easy as sis and bro are used to mom making threats and not following through. She will have to actually set rules, set consequences, and BE CONSISTANT.

Problem is I am betting none of this will happen. How can I say that? I have seen this situation too many times to be hopeful. The only thing you can do is point out that you are not the problem and it is not fair for her to take it out on you. Have a frank, open discussion about this at a time when she is not already raving. Pick a time and set an appointment.

The only thing you can really do is make sure you are not part of the problem and start saving NOW for your own apartment....adulthood comes faster than you could believe.

Remember, your mom will not get respect until she earns it through leadership, example, consistancy, and actually commands it.

~~~~~
"Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will."

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Friday, March 10, 2006 6:56 PM

MSCKAREN

Sorry but you can't MAKE other people do anything (unless you want to stand over them with a gun the rest of your life).

You can influence them by being a good example. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Maybe your Mom will even learn something from that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Appears they've cancelled the show and we're still here. What does that make us?"
"Big damn junkies, Sir!"
"Ain't we just."
http://karenallover.blogspot.com/

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Friday, March 10, 2006 8:04 PM

ITSBROKEN

Sounds like your brother and sister do not appreciate what your mom does for them, by that i mean providing a home and all the things she has to give them. I say you call doctor Drew up on loveline and ask him, he'd know. Are they like that with your dad? How much older are you than them? Can you beat them up? (jk about that last part) My sister and I are really sympathetic to my mom, so we feel bad when we start acting like that. I know i used to act like that towards both my parents. Later i sat and reflected and i realized that it was because I was blaming them for everything going wrong in my own life. I was constantly saying, "if my dad hadn't done this" or "if my mom hadnt dont that then my life would be so much easier." Now I have to keep this job to help support my mom and sister, and im still trying to start my life by going to college. Its really tough, seeing other people that are so lucky, but take it for granted. Hopefully they can just open their eyes and see that, but if not, try to find a way to open their eyes. Maybe intervention with a professional? I'd personally use force, yell a lot, and ask them "why the f*** do you treat our mother like this?! you selfish little a**holes! literally tell me why? this is not a rhetorical question!" make them answer me and go from there. But i dont think that is the best way to approach this. Anyway, sorry if i didnt help much, PM me and ill try to help more. I have access to this domestic troubles hotline that my work lets us use for free as part of our benefits, maybe i can find something out for you. You have my thoughts and prayers, hope it works out.

EDIT: as UC pointed out, open discussions are very helpful.

-ME

-------
*Firefly is my escape, it doesnt work to tell people about firefly because i get too excited and scare them away, i have to set a trap!
-------

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Friday, March 10, 2006 8:16 PM

SHINYTALENT

You know, I have two younger brothers who walk all over my mum too, and like yours she takes it out on anyone who is around at the time and like you that's usually me.
It's not fun, I know it's hard, there aren't any easy answers and while I don't actually have any advice what I can say to you is that if you ever need to talk or off load then don't hesitate to tag me, us older siblings need to stick together.

I hope things get better for you JS, try and have a good weekend.

The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.

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Friday, March 10, 2006 10:13 PM

GORBISHUN

I don't and, never did, have any siblings!

Crap...

«°-:-°»
Also... I can kill you with my brain.

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 2:43 AM

JAYNESBUNKWOMAN

WHile i am not a parent I do have many sibling (although I am the youngest

). I do know one thing a woman co-worker of mine did with her husband and it worked - so maybe same would work for your mom and your siblings?? This husbnad used to leave his clothes on the ebdroo floor all the time, and she'd bitch and complain and tell him to out them in the hamper, then she'd put them in the hamper and wash them etc. Well one day she stopped telling him, stopped picking them up and putting them in the hamper, and so he stopped having clean clothes. Well one day lo and behold, he said, hey, how come i don't have any clean clothes. the reply - well, if you'd put them in hamper i would clean them for you! and he changed his evil, ok, just bad ways...
So while this might not work to keep your siblings room clean, it may! And this could be tried for the pop cans and the like, 'cause eventually the table will get filled with them. You and your Mom would have to tolerate a messy house until they clue in but...could work. Or, stop buying pop!

And yeah, honest communication and consistent consquences. Seen what happens without that and very similar to your situation. Not pretty seeing someone you love and respect get dissed' by her kids, whether that's done verbally or by behaviour.

I'll be in Jaynes bunk

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 3:01 AM

NUCLEARDAY

Ah my yes, aren't siblings wonderful? My own experience from being the oldest of three was that around the time I finally got some sense into my head, my brother and sister became the trouble-making team.

My best advice is to take yourself out of it as much as possible and try not to choose sides; disciplining your siblings is your parents' responsibility, not yours. (And if yours are anything like mine, they wouldn't listen to common sense coming from you anyways :) Just lead by example, and try to be supportive.

Also agree with the others, real consequences and constistency are the key. Myself, I went through a period when I was younger where I was really just testing the boundaries, seeing exactly what I could get away with. Your mother needs to set specific rules and follow through with specific punishment (odd, isn't it, that raising kids is alot like training puppies? :)

Also, frank discussions are always a little awkward in our family, but sometimes an open and honest dialogue can work wonders. Just letting your mother know how you feel might make her think things through a bit. Regardless, it sounds like you're well on your way to becoming a responsible adult (and being a browncoat never hurts, either :)

________________________________________________
You can take my hope when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 3:16 AM

GRIMJACK21502

Take care of yourself.

Support your Mom. It sounds like she is overwhelmed, but when/if you are parent remember this moment...and do things differently.

If you need more support, there are numerous places (in the Real World) where you can find confidential help (school, etc.).

Stay strong...you'll always have the Browncoats.

We will hold...we hold till Mal gets back.

"And once you're gone, you can never come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black"
-Neil Young

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 4:05 AM

GRIZWALD

I appreciate how empathetic you are of your mother's feelings. Speaking for the moms out there, thanks.

I personally like her idea of bagging up all the "stuff" in your brother's room, but honestly, it's not hers to give away or throw away. She could always haul it all up to the attic and let him earn it back with careful keeping of his room in future. Example: Your brother is a slob, so you and she go in there and strip down his room to just his bed, his dresser with like 7 sets of underwear and enough school clothes to get him through the week, and bare walls. And everything else gets boxed up and moved to the attic. He'll have a hissy fit when he sees his room turned into a barracks, but hey, he's proven he can't handle all that stuff and needs help. Explain that every Friday, if he has kept his room spotlessly clean and fulfilled a couple of other specific obligations around the house (like it's his job to wipe down the bathroom sink on Monday, Wednesday and Friday before bed, or something), then he can ask for one thing to be returned to his room. One thing. Not one box.

We have done this for my son and he's survived.

Dunno about the slobbo sister. If I were your mum, I think I'd unplug the television and let her earn back her TV privileges. Probably her grades will improve in the meantime. Or she'll knit a lot of stuff.

Hey, there's an idea: Get her a pattern for a Jayne hat and put her to work!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

They couldn't take the sky from them.
Our Big Damn Heroes made a film!

... C'mon Universal, and greenlight a sequel...

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 5:06 AM

IAMJACKSUSERNAME

Well, I'm all right. - Mal

Throw up on their beds, no need for black bags.
--
I am Jack's username
Shoot first, the brass can sort it out later.

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 8:03 AM

UNREGISTEREDCOMPANION

"but honestly, it's not hers to give away or throw away."

You are 100% wrong on this. When you are a minor, you have NOTHING, you own NOTHING....except what your parent(s) allow you to have. That tv in your room? I can give it away to a homeless guy if I feel like it. All your clothes? I can rip them all up in to cleaning rags if the mood strikes me. Your Xbox? Nintendo DS? I can sell them and buy myself a day at the spa. Lets say I let you keep your toys...that electricity flowing to your room to run those toys is paid for by ME...not you!

True, only a jerk parent would do some of those things, but as long as a parent provides food, clothing, shelter, health care...YOU OWN NOTHING! A parent who doesn't know this is an idiot. A child who thinks he has power when he is a minor can be a monster. If you are living at your parent's home, you are a dependent child. When you get your own apartment, pay for your own cell phone, your own car insurance, your own food...when you have responsibility, THEN you have power.

My oldest son had to have this reality pointed out to him once. ONCE. His room was stripped, his computer taken away, his car taken away, nothing but 2 pais of jeans, some underwear and socks, and a couple of shirts...his CD player, his iPod...it all went away until he had some respect and appreciation. Only took about 2 days for him to apologise, and another month to earn it all back. Now at 17 he is a nice young man looking forward to college instead of a disrespectful, arrogant snot.

~~~~~
"Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will."

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 3:16 PM

UNREGISTEREDCOMPANION

to continue my ranting....

YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR KIDS FRIEND! Friendly to your kid...YES...but you are not their buddy. Stop acting like "one of the kids". You need to be a leader to your child.

Too many of my friends tried the "I want to be my kid's friend" route. Their kids are now idiots. They are young adults who are doing a very bad job of taking care of themselves and are in and out of bad relationships all the time. They get evicted for not paying bills, keep borrowing money from their parents, and some are even moving back in (now deeply in debt) when they should be out on their own.

Often these are kids who's parents divorced. Parents try the friend route so they wont have to be the bad guy compared to the other parent...or they feel guilty for breaking up the family and try the friend thing, thinking this will make up for the broken home.

It doesn't work people.

~~~~~
"Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will."

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 3:35 PM

FOREVERSHINY

I have no siblings, so I'm not sure what help I'll be....All I can say is to try to talk to them. I know it sounds corny and too much like a therapist, but when my friend(s) are being so ta ma duh annoying/ungrateful/insert word here, I sort of confront them. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't like confrontations usually and fights, but here's a situation: My bff is so your stereotypical teenager (rolling eyes, heavy sighing, "Mom you're sooo annoying" etc...) that I often feel sorry for her mom. Onw day, I think I said something like, "Paige, y'know, you and your mom don't get along very well." Or something to that effect. I personally think she envies how my mom and I are so close, but that's something different. She kinda sighed and said, "Yeah, I know. She's just so hard to get along with y'know?" Nicely, politely, and stepping-on-eggshells-ly (yes, I made up a new word, so what?

) I tried to tell her that it's not all her mom's fault....You never know how it'll work out until you try. And if you already have and I haven't read close enough, sorry.

Oh, and UnregisteredCompanion? I beg to differ. My mom has to play the "tough love" card every now and again b/c she is the mother, but she and I are sooo close. We share similar tastes (she's a converted Browncoat!) in movies/music/tv shows and I can talk to her about everything and anything. We share the love of a car, an open window, good music, and an empty road so much that we frequently take meandering drives just to see what's down such-and-such road. And she and my dad have been together many, many years and are still happy. But maybe it just depends on the people and situation.

Just my 2 cents.

Hope things work out okay for you, JustShiny.

~ForeverShiny~
An Unreasonable Believer
~~~~~~~~~~~
Can't Stop The Signal.
"Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off as sure as the turning of worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughtta fall down, tells ya she's hurtin' 'fore she keens. Makes her a home."

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 5:13 PM

UNREGISTEREDCOMPANION

Close is great. Not being in charge so your kid wont be mad at you...that is totally different. Glad you and your mom are doing it a healthy way :D

~~~~~
"Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will."

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 6:03 PM

FOREVERSHINY

Ohhhh...right. That is totally different, I agree. Sorry for the mix-up. :-D

~ForeverShiny~
An Unreasonable Believer
~~~~~~~~~~~
Can't Stop The Signal.
"Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air you don't love, she'll shake you off as sure as the turning of worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughtta fall down, tells ya she's hurtin' 'fore she keens. Makes her a home."

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 6:51 PM

JUSTSHINY

Thank you all for your advice.

While my bro and sis are still away, I've been trying to nicely point out to my mum what the problem is. And I feel like a poophead for telling her that the stuff she does/doesn't do (granted I'm not a mom), ain't workin, but I she hasn't yelled at me yet, which means she's listenin' to me. Plus, I got a view from the kids' side.

So I'll let ya know what happens, hopefully it'll end well. I think I'm going to have to have a little talk with my siblings, hopefully I won't have to throw-up on their beds.

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Saturday, March 11, 2006 7:35 PM

PIRATENEWS

John Lee, conspiracy therapist at Hollywood award-winner History Channel-mocked SNL-spoofed PirateNew.org wooHOO!!!!!!

Here's a gutsy move, if ya can pull it off. Guaranteed to put her in a better mood. Or, it can destroy everything in your life.

Get your mom a new husband. With a good job. Who isn't gay. Who's not a wife-beater. Who doesn't hate kids. Who isn't too weird. Who you can communicate with. Who isn't a psycho. Who's not a crook. Who's not half her age. Who doesn't pay half his income in alimony or child support.

Then get married yourself and move out. Similar rules. No psychos. No strippers. No companions. No junkies. No Prozac. No alcohol. Don't run away and join the Alliance. Get a good job and go to school. Work hard, play not so hard. Live in the real world. Figure out how to not give away half your income in taxes to the Alliance (own your own biz/tax shelter). Then you can afford to buy your mom nice gifts to cheer her up.

Good luck.

This distress wouldn't happen to be takin place in someone's pants, would it?
-Mal

Look they've got boy whores. How thoughtful.
-Kaylee

You folks are all insane! Does that seem right to you?
-Jubel Early

FIREFLY SERENITY PILOT MUSIC VIDEO (VERSION 2)
Tangerine Dream - Thief Soundtrack: Confrontation
http://radio.indymedia.org/news/2006/03/8912.php

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Sunday, March 12, 2006 8:51 AM

UNREGISTEREDCOMPANION

"Get your mom a new husband. With a good job. Who isn't gay. Who's not a wife-beater. Who doesn't hate kids. Who isn't too weird. Who you can communicate with. Who isn't a psycho. Who's not a crook. Who's not half her age. Who doesn't pay half his income in alimony or child support."

Are there any of those left?? I have a couple of girlfriends who have been looking for such a man for many years. No luck yet!

~~~~~
"Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will."

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Sunday, March 12, 2006 10:22 AM

JOCKOCKEYOCK

wow sounds like my house in a lighter tone....
well JustShiny there are 5 kids in our family and noone does anything sept me and i get all the blame....maybe cause im the middle child.....
how i get my siblings riled up to help out when my parents are under stress in post depression state is...
1. threaten to accedentaly throw somthing away..
2. hold a big 20$ bill infront of their faces...
3. call my grandparents to have a chat with sib.
4. stick sticky notes with house chores all over their walls....
5. volenteer to buy them lunch....
6. invite my friends over..(my brother does not like it when people come over and when they remark on how uckie the house looks)
7. if they cant through the garbage away then pile it up in their beds...or toss a bag of diry cat litter under their blankets
8. call a family friend and ask them over to talk
9. to make you mom feel better make something she likes...(draw a picture)...(write an i love you dont hate me letter)...(ask her how she feels)...(buy her flowers)...(sing her a song)...(hug her in the morning and tell her how pritty she looks)...(say i love you mom before going to school and when you come home)...(offer to do things like chores with out her asking first..)...(be an attention hog so you brother and sister will follow you lead to be more like you)....(buy her a thing of her fav chocolate) *chocolate has somehting in it that makes people have the same feeling like love*...

ya just so you know....
my house hold is scarey....
my 21 year old brother walks around in his whity tightys and palys ffxi online all day and does not care about anyhitng outside of his pethetic little room... my 19 year old brother plays video games in his room and thinks hes too smart for our family...I my self have add enough said...my lil bro whos 16 smells bad and like always defends my oldest brother... and Natti oh god our personalitys clash like water and lightning

and she is a drama queen and does not know how to pick up her dishes that she leves on my computer desk that i do my art work at and it drives me nuts and Fruitcakes..... Im on a tangent sorry okay thats all............

The court of this obsession, is abstracted from possession which when the worlds of outside in fall.

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Sunday, March 12, 2006 10:47 AM

UNREGISTEREDCOMPANION

My girlfriend has 4 kids. The oldest 2 were 19 and 18 and they kept fighting with the 16 year old and the 8 year old. Plus they weren't helping with housework, kept inviting their waste product friends over, cleaning out the frige, etc. She asked me for advise and I pointed out.....

"You are only obligated by law to feed and take care of the younger two ya know."

She had the 2 oldest out within a week...LOLOL
(Life is now quite peaceful at her place)

~~~~~
"Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will."

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Sunday, March 12, 2006 11:11 AM

SERYN

Its probably not going to give you hope and its certainly not wise advice, but...

My younger brother is 21 now, and since we both had to move back in after collage (money, bleurch!) he's reverted right back to being a teen again.

Its not quite as bad because we have his girlfriend on our side and she forces him to do stuff like wash up more, and he finally getting the message that if he wants specific food to buy it himself, but he's still got it into his head that its still my mums job to look after him hand and foot.

And I still get the backlash, unfairly.

So I just started telling him when I think he's wrong, logically and fairly and with out emotion, sticking to the facts, but always loudly and always infront of everyone. making it as unlike bullying or nagging as possible but backing up the message. And like I said, he's the message is getting accross.

Plus, i'm no angel myself, so if he's pissed off with me he does the same back, but we haven't argued or faught for a while (though the family has no issues with swearing, so to the outsider it always sounds like the prelude to a punch up between a bunch of sailors)

I suppose what i'm attempting to say is honesty and openess, get what you want to say out, and remember to iject the right degree of humor. Takes the sting out if you finish with a grin.

Swearing like a trooper is, of course, entirely optional

**********************************************************
Hodgins: Your robot reminds me of you. You tell it to turn it stops. You tell it to stop it turns. You ask it to take out the garbage it watches reruns of Firefly.

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Monday, March 13, 2006 6:37 AM

GRIZWALD

OP, I had another thought... Your mom is probably dealing with that divorced mom guilt complex that is so prevalent. She may feel that she's already put you all through enough, and that she needs to be nice, not tough. It's unfortunate, but it happens.

UnregisteredCompanion, was this shout

Quote:
YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR KIDS FRIEND!

directed at me? Where on earth did I make it sound like I am trying to be my children's buddy?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

They couldn't take the sky from them.
Our Big Damn Heroes made a film!

... C'mon Universal, and greenlight a sequel...

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