To be or Not to Be THAT is the Question... by RiveR6213

GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

To be or Not to Be THAT is the Question...

POSTED BY: RIVER6213
UPDATED: Sunday, April 9, 2006 04:26
SHORT URL:
VIEWED: 21540
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Monday, March 20, 2006 7:51 PM

I've escaped another thread that I created called "I Don't Care what you believe, just believe" and some Christians hijacked it for there own personal bible study, so I left. Too bad...it was a good thread. ***Be warned. If you are a Christian, and if you come into this thread thumping your bible all over the place, you will be attacked in a cyber fashion and fed to cyber lions.***

This thread is about the normal, rational people of life, and what they do to survive day to day life. What makes you get up in the morning and face the day? What makes you hang in there when the going looks grim in your lives? Why get up? Why not just put a bullet in your head and get this thing called life over with? What makes you want to fight for a better day? What makes you hold the line?
Why do you do it...what's so special about life and living?

River

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Monday, March 20, 2006 9:25 PM

LANKSTERBROWNCOAT

Just curious......Do you by chance frequent the City of Heroes forums?
I ask because your avatar in your sig. and the tone of your posts are very similar to those of a person on those boards.
If not, then sorry to ask.

"You all got on this boat for different reasons, but you all come to the same place. So now I'm asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. 'Cause as sure as I know anything, I know this: they will try again. ...they'll swing back to the belief that they can make people... better. And I do not hold to that. So no more running. I aim to misbehave." - Mal

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Monday, March 20, 2006 9:46 PM

RIVER6213

Quote:
Originally posted by LanksterBrowncoat:
Just curious......Do you by chance frequent the City of Heroes forums?
I ask because your avatar in your sig. and the tone of your posts are very similar to those of a person on those boards.
If not, then sorry to ask.

"You all got on this boat for different reasons, but you all come to the same place. So now I'm asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. 'Cause as sure as I know anything, I know this: they will try again. ...they'll swing back to the belief that they can make people... better. And I do not hold to that. So no more running. I aim to misbehave." - Mal

No, but thanks for asking. I stole this SIG from some person on the BSG board...cool huh! In the gaming world, epecially in FPS I am known as ScandalQwK and play TFC, DOD, COD, Medal of Honor, and sometimes AVP2 whenever i get kinda edgy. And I'm a wingman for Arrow Squadron in Lock On! I've thought about joining the City of Heros, but I'm just into killing things...you know, fight or flight? That's my story. I'm sort of a one-of-a-kind kind of gal that doesnt seem like she fits anywhere. It's sort of sad and pathetic when you think about it, but thank god for the internet. My mission if any, is to be queen of the cyber skies.

Anyway, What makes you get up and fight life everyday? Why do you even bother? tell me, maybe I might learn something.

River

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 12:22 AM

NUCLEARDAY

Well, there is a notable shortage of options on the one hand ;p No matter what happens in life you can either off yourself, lose yourself in your sorrows and shut yourself off from society, or just keep plowing on ahead.

Personally, the reason I wake up every morning is 'cause the first two options don't seem like much of an option at all. Dying's sort of a one-way street and I'm going to get there regardless, and stewing in my own pity is but a step up from that. In my own limited life experiences I've had a plethora of opportunities for both, and I've certainly spent my share of time wallowing in a dark hole.

I figure the world's a pretty scary place most times, but it's one I'm in at the moment so there's really nothing else but to make the most of it. Gotta have the grim times so you can appreciate the good parts. (Plus I've got my framed picture of Kaylee sitting atop my monitor to remind me that everything's all gonna work out shiny in the end, and be real cute besides :)

Honestly, there's a tendency to look at people and think that everyone else has their

together, but that's just an illusion. We put on a good face when we go out in the morning 'cause if you act like you know what you're doing, you find that on occasion you actually do :)

________________________________________________
You can take my hope when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 2:01 AM

THESOMNAMBULIST

Hey RiveR6213

Sounds like you may want to read: The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus

It's an interesting read that kinda asks the questions you've just asked.

This is something I'd love to get into with you, but I'm at work and I haven't the time presently.

Perhaps later.

Cheers
TheSomnambulist

www.cirqus.com

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 2:15 AM

MSCKAREN

Flowers and music and all the stuff I haven't done yet. I'm not afraid to die but I'm not so sure these things will be available to me afterwards. There might be better things waiting but, for now, I'm enjoying THIS journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Appears they've cancelled the show and we're still here. What does that make us?"
"Big damn junkies, Sir!"
"Ain't we just."
http://karenallover.blogspot.com/

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:21 AM

OTMA

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I've escaped another thread that I created called "I Don't Care what you believe, just believe" and some Christians hijacked it for there own personal bible study, so I left. Too bad...it was a good thread.

This thread is about the normal, rational people of life, and what they do to survive day to day life. What makes you get up in the morning and face the day? What makes you hang in there when the going looks grim in your lives? Why get up? Why not just put a bullet in you head and get this thing called life over with? What makes you want to fight for a better day? What makes you hold the line?

River

I've been through some grim looking times. Why am I still flying?
Imagination and creativity help a lot. I have a number of creative outlets, including art, music and writing. I also play role playing games. Not computer games, the old paper and dice games like Dungeons and Dragons, Space Opera, and the shiny Serenity RPG. I know some people don't take rpg gaming seriously, but it doesn't have to be all "I kick down the door and waste the orc with my crossbow!" all the time. It's amazing how many issues and questions you can work through and fantasies you can explore with a character who you control, but who isn't you.
Still, I can't say these things are the main reason I'm still here. No matter how bad things have looked, I have honestly never given "Bullet in the brainpan! Squish!" a serious consideration. I simply cannot believe that things can't get better. I am much better off now than I have been in the past, not perfect, but better. I hold the line because I want my life, I want what comes next, even though I know some of it won't be good. I believe the future holds things worth today's pain. Believe you have things to do, things to see. Believe there is someone out there you may not even have met yet whose life will be better for you being in it. Believe Firefly is coming back, and you don't want to miss it when it does. I don't care what you believe, just believe something! If reality sucks for now, use your imagination (you're here, you obviously have some) and make yourself a better world!
My imagination does take a dark turn now and then, but I want to see the good in things. I like places like this, where the people are all shiny like and it feels like home even if you can't put faces to the names. When it hurts, I spend my time where it doesn't.
And I just have too much Kaylee in me to stay depressed forever, and too much Mal to give up.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:40 AM

DANIELFYRE

What makes people tick? I suppose its different for everyone. I think people look for things to live for and what they live for at any one point may change. Right now I'm living to make something of myself because quite frankly I'm not ready to see what's on the other side yet and I want to make those around me including myself proud. I'm young and still have a lot to experience and I intend to before I meet my maker. I want as someone said before to affect someone else's life in a very personal and important way. I want to become a nurse so that I can be doing this every day and just...matter. For me I live for others.

-Dan

Ain't that just shiny?

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:56 AM

COPILOT

I love life right now. I have a home and a foutain of love sitting here. Sometimes I wonder if you River are experimenting on us. Life and love are the reason I wake up in the morning. I'm watching my president on T.V. and significant other is doing an impression of said president so it's a lot less scary that he's a fraking moron. Life sucks and is really frightening so my advice to you my darling is just love, love everyone and it will all be okay. Yes this a head in the sand point of view but I can't change the entire world I can only change my world.

An I carried such a torch

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:56 AM

ROB150185

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Why get up? Why not just put a bullet in you head and get this thing called life over with? What makes you want to fight for a better day? What makes you hold the line?

River

The reason I get up in the morning?
I have a nation of benefit frauds and scroungers to pay for. If I didn't get up and go to work, how would they fend for themselves? It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside to know that they can stay at home because I get up at 6am and try to provide for my family, whilst the Government takes half my salary and gives it to them who can't be arsed.

Nah, I have a fiancee that I love, and a newborn that I want to provide for. I don't expect anyone else to pay for me. Simple.
That's why I can't pack it all in. I'm the one holding the damn line.

I'll be in my bunk...

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:18 AM

CHRISISALL

I live to see a day when the stupid, short-sighted and narrow-minded are not running this world anymore (this ensures that I'll live forever

)

Seriously, there have been moments in my life where just wanting to see the third Star Wars flick, not yet released, kept me from 'squish'. It can be as small a thing as that, or as big a thing as having my Wife and Son at my side (which I had no idea was gonna come to pass, lo those many years ago when I was wondering whether breathing was all that necessary a thing...)

It's not always rosey, but like Darkness said in 'Legend', "I am a part of you all.."
Life is suffering. And other stuff.
I hang in there.
Some of the other stuff is really cool.

Is that any kind of answer?

The bi-polar to some/even tempered to others Chrisisall

P.S. I am in very low spirits this morning, but that's okay; I acknowledge it without succumbing to it. The weather changes like my moods.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:27 AM

SADLITTLEKING

I bother to get up in the morning cause I hope today will be a good day. Hope is all I have left. I mean, I'd be really pissed if I killed myself and then SURPRISE! I won the lottery....but I'm dead now so I can't collect. Now that would really suck.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:31 AM

CHRISISALL

Quote:
Originally posted by TheSomnambulist:

This is something I'd love to get into with you, but I'm at work and I haven't the time presently.

Perhaps later.

Hey! Somnambulist! Long time no wave!
I hope to read your actual answer to River's question soon, however, I know it will be worth the wait.

Chrisisall

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:37 AM

RIVER6213

All of you fine people are adding really good answers to my question. Some person here said that she thought that I might be experimenting on all of you...the answer to that is no, I'm not. I'm honestly curious as to what is keeping people going in life. What makes them get out of bed and engage the world over, and over, and over again?

For a lot of people, life is about their children, or their homes, or their loved ones etc. It seems that having someone, or something to protect seems to always top the list as being the driving force that keeps them going.

Some of the things I've learned about myself are:

1. I own my own business, so money is not a problem.

2. I got rid of all my friends because I need no one.

3. Religion is a mute point with me.

4. I'm totally uninterested in sex.

5. I'm totally not interested in art, music, or anything creative.

6. I'm not afraid of death or dying.

7. Children are nice but I have no interest in having one.

8. I disowned the family I was brought up with and it doesn’t bother me in any way, shape, or form. If one of my sisters or bothers died, it would not bother me at all. I wouldn’t be glad if they died, I just simply wouldn’t care.

9. Life is a war that must be won at all costs, yet I'm unclear what the "won" part means, and I'm unsure why it should be fought in the 1st place.

Anyway, I’m sure there's more, but that's what I came up with, which as you can see the reason why I started this thread. I'm just curious about what all of you find so important about life, and living.

River

BTW Who owns this website anyway?

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:48 AM

ISAACSHEPHERD

In response to your question one thought I have is curiosity. What will today hold? My friends reguard me as a sort of wise storyteller cause I always have a story (no I'm not a journalist or anything), but I am always looking for something that makes life interesting. The world could explode or we could all of a sudden have world peace by the stupid people disappearing, ya never know.
One great thing about life is, at least for me it is different every day. I pay attention to the little things a lot of people look over and I try not to take things for granted, so each day is new, even though I go to work and school about every day. No matter how life sucks sometimes, or is awesome it always balances out one way or another.
Love is another thing that keeps me moving as well. I don't think anyone could have said it better than in the end of Serenity the movie.

The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:48 AM

THEREALME

Why get up in the morning?

Well, I'll confess that there are days I don't!

But the next day I get moving. I do it because my will is strong enough that it does not allow me to give up completely. I MAKE MYSELF MOVE. I have considered suicide during my life, but never seriously and not recently.

I have been asking the same questions as you for decades now, and I'm not certain that I will get an answer.

But I do not give up. Becasue if I give up, then there is no hope of anything better. You see, I still have hope.

I do know that the answer for me is within me. Nobody, nothing, can MAKE me happy. No new toy will satisfy me for long. I once thought that a serious romantic relationship would change my life for the better, but then I discovered that I needed to love myself before I could expect another to love me.

My own attitude, my own way of looking at life, is what keeps me unhappy. Of course, the habits of a lifetime are hard to change, but I've been doing it very gradually, chipping away at it. Ultimately, I am responsible for my own life. It is composed of the decisions that I make.

For me, I need to connect to other people. Early in my life, I had taken steps to protect myself from pain, but this only served to isolate me from others. I was very, very safe. And very, very lonely. Isolated and alone, even in a crowd of friends.

Over the last few years, I have gone out of my way to meet new folks (where I had previously restricted myself to a small group of friends). Coming here was one step on my road to self-improvement, in fact.

I have looked at some of the religious debates that have popped up in your earlier thread(s). I am not a religious person. I do not go to church regularly or advocate a particular belief. I am certain that my good friend Rat (and I do consider him a friend) would shake his head at me. But I try to live as Jesus did. Trying to help people. Trying to love.

I don't always get it right. But hey, I'm only human.

I don't know if these words apply at all to your condition, and they certainly don't match my usual eloquence, but I hope they have been of some help.

Best wishes to you!

- Ed

P.S. Oh, and no offense intended, but you can hardly post a thread about belief without expecting some people with strongly held religious convictions to respond. You had asked what works for people, and for those people, it works.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:52 AM

THESOMNAMBULIST

(cont...)

To answer your question as to why I wake and go through the same ol' same ol' I guess it's because I wanna see how the mystery pans out.

I'm all for philosophysing and wondering about the universe and stuff and how we fit into it all , if at all, but truth be known I hope we never find out the answer, and I hope I never look upon life and think:
"Yup I got it figured out.."
For surely that will reduce life to a bitesize formula, a canned goods product if you like.

I love the mystery, the scare, the thrills the longing, the wonderment and the mind bending ramifications of our present solitude in the cosmos.

I love the idea that maybe we are a phenomenon, unique, a chance hic-cup, and that in fact we are totally alone in this ever expanding universe.

But aside form the grand, there are the finer details that just stop you dead in your tracks and make you marvel at how things work:

The patch of moss that clings to a damp wall in search of life inspite of the concrete around it. The fact that they manage to get chocolate chips into chocolate chip cookies without them melting. The fact that a brunette can make my heart skip a beat from thirty paces, then dismiss me with the ease of fluttering her eye lashes....

Poetry

...But most of all I face the day and the impending days because it is all I have. It may be shrouded in mystery and doubt but I kinda like it that way. In time we will all sucumb to death... so there's no need to hurry it along.

Oh and E minor - just about the best chord there is!

Cheers
TheSomnambulist

www.cirqus.com

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:58 AM

PIZMOBEACH

... fully loaded, safety off...

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
What makes you get up in the morning and face the day? What makes you hang in there when the going looks grim in your lives? Why get up? Why not just put a bullet in you head and get this thing called life over with? What makes you want to fight for a better day? What makes you hold the line?

Season 3

Scifi movie music + Firefly dialogue clips, 24 hours a day - http://www.scifiradio.net

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 7:01 AM

THESOMNAMBULIST

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Quote:
Originally posted by TheSomnambulist:

This is something I'd love to get into with you, but I'm at work and I haven't the time presently.

Perhaps later.

Hey! Somnambulist! Long time no wave!
I hope to read your actual answer to River's question soon, however, I know it will be worth the wait.

Chrisisall

Hey Chrisisall

Good to see you about fella! I just got down to your thread. Bang on about the next instalment of Star Wars

you made me smile....

I think I should add a little addendum to my second note, it is:

To see 'Chrisisall junior' and 'The Somnambulist junior' choreograph the stuntwork on some future flick in 2020

You doing alright bud?

The Somnambulist

www.cirqus.com

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 7:26 AM

GLOBLABSURDITY

I watched a very interesting DVD over this past weekend that you might enjoy River. It's called 'What the Bleep Do We Know'. It's about quantum physics and it's infinite possibilities in relation to why we exist, etc. There isn't a patent answer given--just possibilities. Really makes you think deeply and in new directions. At least--it did for me. If you check it out--I hope you enjoy.

*Never judge a book by it's movie*
*The heart is an artist that paints over what profoundly disturbs it, leaving on the canvas a less dark,less sharp version of the truth*--D.Koontz (Forever Odd)

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 7:58 AM

TIGER

[deleted]

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 11:25 AM

RIVER6213

Drat!

My last thread got beamed into Troll Country!

WHO RUNS THIS WEBSITE!!!!!

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 11:28 AM

ODDNESS2HER

I've found solace in the words of Dorothy Parker:

Razors pain you;
rivers are damp;
acids stain you;
and drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful, nooses give;
gas smells awful;
you might as well live.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 11:29 AM

RIVER6213

Pardon me if I didn't understand any of what you just said.
River

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 11:44 AM

ODDNESS2HER

Well, it's just a silly bit of verse, pay it no mind.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 3:30 PM

GLOBLABSURDITY

Those are all ways of committing suicide--none of which are pretty. So--to live is the only other choice or preferable choice. According to the verse.

*Never judge a book by it's movie*
*The heart is an artist that paints over what profoundly disturbs it, leaving on the canvas a less dark,less sharp version of the truth*--D.Koontz (Forever Odd)

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:48 PM

RIVER6213

Quote:
Originally posted by globlabsurdity:
Those are all ways of committing suicide--none of which are pretty. So--to live is the only other choice or preferable choice. According to the verse.

*Never judge a book by it's movie*
*The heart is an artist that paints over what profoundly disturbs it, leaving on the canvas a less dark,less sharp version of the truth*--D.Koontz (Forever Odd)

Oh, so that's what he was talking about. As you can see, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Since you brought it up, yes, I guess in a way, when I really look at it, I guess I have been planning to commit suicide. But it’s also good that I'm the sort to talk a lot, and I hear that people who shoot their mouths off about suicide never really want to do it, so maybe I'm one of those people.

I started this failing thread to get ideas regarding what makes people get up in the morning over and over again. I was hoping to get a few ideas, but I suppose that in the end it’s really up to me to figure it all out on my own. No one can do that for me. No Doctors, no therapists, can ever begin to help me unless I let them, and it’s really funny but I don’t know how to allow myself to be help. Isn’t that strange? I think it is. I guess it’s a matter of being interested in something hard enough, that you want to stick around, but so far, I haven’t found anything that makes me want to stick around. Everything is rather bland and uninteresting. What a state of mind I have. Behold, look what I’ve created!

I wake up every morning wondering why I even bothered to wake up. I go to my job, and on the way there I see other people going to their jobs, and to me it really looks all so pointless...its like we are these little army ants of function: Go to work, pay our bills, eat our food, drink our coffee, drink our tea, drink our beer or wine. Watch a movie, deal with assholes, wash our cloths, brush our teeth, clean our homes, argue about things that are happening 5,000 miles away and have nothing to do with us personally, but the news media in its wisdom decided to get us to worry about it anyway. Sit at our computers, talk to our friends, yell at the kids, etc… It all seems so pointless, so mechanical. Meaningful acts without any meaning. That’s how it looks to me. I’m trying to figure out just when I changed personalities.

Year ago, I did all of those things mentioned above without really thinking about it. It was the normal thing to do, and you just did it because those were the things you did, and each part of the things that you did added up into a whole life and it had meaning.

Years ago I was just like everyone else. Years ago I was normal, or at least doing what everyone else was doing and not standing out, not behaving in an ostentatious manner. Years ago I would have never gone into a chat room like I’m doing right this second, and aired all my dirty laundry to people I didn’t know . It really is starting to look like I’m craving some serious attention from you people here, and everywhere else I go. I suspect I’m craving something no one on this planet is able to give me. It’s something that we have to give ourselves, and I don’t even know what it is…so much for being intelligent.

Also, I am not surprised that a lot of the people here avoid me or don’t wish to chat with me. To them, I must be a raving maniac, a crazy person, a mentally ill person, a drama queen who wants attention like some kind of dysfunctional child. Reading something from someone who’s lost it really can be embarrassing, and I completely understand because this would have been my reaction years ago if I had been into chat rooms and I read all the strange stuff that coming from a girl named River6213. I would have ignored her also. She would have came off as a whining losers, crybaby, weakling, and I wouldn’t have wanted to have anything to do with that, or her.

So now I have to figure out what to do next. Going and seeing therapists is not work too well for me, and I don’t dare mention to them about having suicidal thoughts, and a plan to carry this out. If I did they would lock me up, and I know I wouldn’t be able to handle that. So my mission is to save my own life. How I’m going to go about this is your guess is as good as mine. I can’t go and talk with my family because I don’t love them and I don’t wish for them to see me this way. They are so demanding, they ask for things I cannot give them. They ask for their sister and they simply can’t get it in their heads that they might as well be complete strangers to me. I feel no obligation to them. When I finally get around to dying, I don’t want them to see one penny from my estates, not one.

I can’t go talk to my friends because I got rid of all of them, and the few that were actually friends died, so my isolation from human contact is complete. There is nothing but my company, my workers and I’m the boss, so there is a maximum distance between myself and people. It appears that these chat rooms are it as far as personal, human interaction is concerned, and as you can see I am failing even at this. It appears that I cannot have a normal conversation, I force a situation where I’m yelling at someone or they are yelling at me; there is no peace anywhere I go, and I’m the one responsible for all of it….its all my fault, but I’m not surprised there.

I don’t know why I’m telling all of you this. I do know that I’m not doing it for attention…maybe I’m doing it to let someone know, anyone, that I’m not an evil person, I think I just cracked up over a period of 6 years and just, really became aware of it…aware that I’m not all there, that something deeply fundamental is wrong with me, something that no one can help me with, so I have to do something about it or self-destruct, and it seems that option is pretty much in the 90% chance that I will do it.

Now about the possible methods: I thought about jumping off this huge bridge we have here in this city, but the idea of falling all that way, smacking the icy cold-water and drowning sounds all dramatic, but I don’t want to go out that way if I can help it. A gunshot wound to the head might work, but I’ve been reading about people who’ve tried that and a lot of them don’t do it right and now they are either a vegetable, or got some serious brain damage. Hanging is out. Electrocution is totally out. The best that I came up with is to overdose on Vicodin and Bourbon and a bath tube with warm water. Naturally I would have to slash my wrists (How dramatic) while I’m all hopped up on the Vicodin/Alcohol mix. If done correctly, I should die very slowly, very peacefully, and it would be a no-fuss death. A good death is something that I can give myself because I deserve it.

Until then, I will do my best to stay off this board and out of this forum. If I do come back this forum, it will be under a different name, and I promise to try to behave myself and include myself in the discussions here, and not make an ass out of myself. So, Thanks for putting up with all my noise. I’m certain that for a short bit of time, some of you might have found me somewhat entertaining and maybe even funny at times. I hope I gave you a good laugh and and a splendid example of what not to be.

My 1st suicide note! How dramatic!

River6213
Loser/Crybaby/Drama Queen/Attention Whore/All the things that is bad about humankind.

Here I am!

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006 6:34 PM

THEREALME

Well, I'm here and I'm still talking to you. I do not find the situation amusing in the least.

I sincerely hope that you reconsider, and if I can do something to help, then I will. Let me know. I've been through some dark times in my life, and I have been on the brink, when life seemed worthless. But in fact, it is the most precious gift that exists.

It is true that you are the key. Probably, you have acted in ways to drive people away from you. I did that myself. I needed distance to feel safe, and I was. Nobody could hurt me, but that was because nobody could touch me. I decided that I would rather have human company.

You could act in a different way. Seek out people. Find a hobby that you can engage in with others.

For me, it was roleplaying games. I could pretend that I was someone else. Someone happy, or brave, or confident, or whatever. In fact, this allowed me to practice these things, and I was able to apply it in my real life. I could experiment with feelings, which I had typically not allowed myself to feel. We have a silly roleplaying group here, a shared writing universe called the Sereni-Tree. You may join us if you like.

Not for you? Okay, but I'm sure that there is something.

Get to know the people in this site's chat room. There are wonderful folks here. Real living breathing people.

Find a friend. Someone that you do not drive away. Observe your own actions and try to see when you are about to do this. I hardly noticed my actions when I was doing it.

Good luck.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 3:09 AM

NUCLEARDAY

Alot of what you talk about rings familiar to me. I'm no head-shrinker, and I don't know you beyond what you've posted here. But it does sound like you have a chemical imbalance of some sort. This runs all through my family (paranoid schizophrenia with my brother, bipolar in my mother and my sister, while I seem to have ended up with plain old depression.) I know it's never any help at all to hear that you're not the only person going through what you are, and that for me it only ever made things worse. But I want to be clear that I'm speaking from experience, here. I know what it's like not see any point in doing anything, and spending weeks/ months lazing in a funk 'cause nothing seems worth the effort. I also know that it doesn't have to be that way.

It'd also be highly presumptious of me to think I'm going to single-handedly bring you out of your funk. You know that's something only you can do. But I also can't turn a blind eye to someone who's obviously having a spot of trouble in their life.

I hope your talk of suicide is a cry for help, and that you choose not to go through with any plans. (Also, overdosing is nowhere near as peaceful as you think.) Please, before you take any steps towards suicide find someone, anyone to talk to. Death is a one-way road and you're worth giving yourself a chance to find a sympathetic ear.

I also understand your reluctance to seek help from a doctor, or to confide in your family. But know that if you decide to go it your own, that you're also taking the harder path. It's not impossible, I've found, to learn to live with your demons, but will need tools to help you through it.

First off, know your enemy. I recommend reading up on mental health, know why you feel the way you do, and know why it's not your fault. It's a long road to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (I'm not even saying there is one, only that it's possible to keep putting one foot in front of the other.)

I'd also recommend reading up on meditation and/or yoga. If you're going to eschew seeing a shrink or taking medication, you'll need to learn control. It won't come easy, but depression is mostly about habit. Nothing feels important because that's how you're used to feeling. Just like any other habit, the longer it goes on, the deeper a groove it's formed in your brain. You're never going to just "snap out of it." But you can train yourself to find a balance.

Also, it's trivial, but it helped me out to some extent. There's a video out there called "What the Bleep do We Know?" (the bleep is part of the title.) Deals with questions like the meaning of life, etc in the context of quantum physics and current scientific theories. There's some interesting stuff there about emotional addiction, the impact your outlook has on your life, etc. It's nothing crazy like scientology or anything, just the cold hard science. Shows how regardless of whether there's someone flying this crazy universe or not, there can still be meaning to living in it.

Seriously, you're worth the effort of trying to pull yourself out of this. It's not easy (nothing worth having ever is) but it's possible. I don't expect to be saving your life or anything here, or having much of an impact either way. But for what it's worth, don't give up hope. Don't be so hard on yourself, don't feel bad about using the online community to vent your feelings, and remember not to give up.

________________________________________________
You can take my hope when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 6:02 AM

SIXSHOOTER

Damn, now there is the last thing I expected to see on the message boards for a canceled telly show.

Well now, RiveR6213,

Here’s the thing, in the ocean, there’s this little creature called the sea squirt.
See, when a baby sea squirt hatches from the egg, it’s this little tadpole like thing.
With a brain to think with, choices to make, a sense of self.
But, all it does is just swim around looking for a comfortable rock to cling on to.
And, once it finds the perfect rock, it’s there for the big haul, for life.
It has everything it will ever need on this rock; the food just comes floating right into its mouth.
The sea squirt doesn’t need to think anymore.
And so, once it’s attached to the rock, it begins to eat its brain.

And about two years or so ago, that's what I pretty much expected of myself.

I ain't really smart or pretty, I was never partially good at anything like sports or whatnot. My old man does quite well and owns his own business and so I got hired as an office monkey right out of school because I probably wasn't gonna get anything else.

I never was one for religion myself neither, I mean, I was brought up Irish Catholic, did the whole kit and caboodle of conformation, reconciliation etc. etc. etc.
But that was more for my grandparents sake, the idea of it all never clicked with me, shit, it'd be nice to think there was some all powerful being above me making sure all was good, but way I see it, there ain't.

And I never had many friends, I have a few, but moving around a lot, I grew up fairly isolated and my old man and me have a real 'cats and the cradle' relationship.

As soon as I left school I found I could distance myself from my friends nearly completely, and so I did, stopped answering calls, had my phone switched off nearly all the time.
At work I didn't speak to anyone much, and so I basically retreated from the world.

But what makes you and me different I guess is, death. That’s the one thing I’ve always been afraid of. Blackness. Nothing. Scared the shit of me since I was five years old.

So I'd sit there in bed with the TV on and just watch. I had always had trouble sleeping so I’d watch until exhaustion took me.
And that’s how I’d spend the days I wasn't working.
Lying there, eating my brain, only moving to piss, shit, eat, shower and work.

I lived like that for six months.
I was completely safe from anyone or anything upsetting me, frightening me, and hurting me, nothing was going to come close and I that was how I wanted it.

But then some mates of mine just one day showed up out of the blue, barged in my room, told me we ain’t done anything for ages and dragged me out of bed.
Like I said, I kept to myself a lot, so they didn’t know about the funk I had gotten myself into, they were just there to catch up.
They pulled me to a movie, then a bar, got me plastered and we wound up at a park and shot the breeze about absolute nonsense till the sun came up.

And that’s all it took.
The next day I was hung over, absolutely exhausted, but for the first time in a long time, I was really happy.

I realized that yeah, you don’t need friends.
And yeah, all family really means deep down is that you got someone’s brown eyes and another’s predisposition to heart failure.
Yeah, out there you’re gonna run into a lot of shitty, scummy, arsehole people who are gonna make life hard and hurt you.
No, you don’t need to associate with another soul in the world.

You mightn’t need other people, but hey, they sure as hell make life a whole lot more interesting.
And believe it or not, some of them are really are good fun to be around.

Now, there isn’t a grand plan, none of this means anything, us nobodies, we aren’t going to have monuments erected to us, hell, maybe nobody will put flowers on my grave when I’m gone.

But y’know what? Fuck it. The pointlessness is not the point at all.

You just need to try to get as much fun out of it all as you can.
Live as hard you can.
Have a fucking ball. Go out, call those friends of yours, and if you’ve burnt those bridges go out and make others.
Do what I did, do an art course, you mightn’t be interested in it, but it’s something to do it’s a way to meet new people, join a sport, nobody really cares if you suck at it, just show up, most amateur teams are just happy to make the numbers.

Now the way you put things, it sounds like nobodies gonna drag you out of bed, and yeah I’m just some long winded pissant typing stories of sea creatures and his own pathetic little down time, but hey, fuck it.
Just go out there and have yourself some good fun.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 6:14 AM

CHRISISALL

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

I suspect I’m craving something no one on this planet is able to give me. It’s something that we have to give ourselves, and I don’t even know what it is…

Finding out is the adventure (and the hard work). If you leave now you'll have to start all over from scratch.

Get into Buddhism. Watch Star Trek The Motion Picture. Buy a puppy.
Stay with us here.

Chrisisall

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:03 AM

ZEEK

I say ISAACSHEPHERD nailed it. Curiosity is the key. That's what made humans reach the top of the food chain. We're constantly trying to figure things out and see what happens next. I didn't know I'd get to talk to a hot chick on the elevator ride to my office this morning. It was a nice way to start the day though. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I want to find out. Sure it might be bad, but it might be good too.

I think curiosity is the number one reason. Though I think there are others too. You have to have something you're looking forward to. Whether it's a trip, buying a house, waiting for Serenity 2 to come out, etc. There's got to be something in the distance that you're waiting to experience. So, if you're not looking forward to anything, then go out and find something you like. There will inevitably be something involved with that to look forward to.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:07 AM

CAUSAL

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
=***Be warned. If you are a Christian, and if you come into this thread thumping your bible all over the place, you will be attacked in a cyber fashion and fed to cyber lions.***

This thread is about the normal, rational people of life, and what they do to survive day to day life.

At the risk of being fed to the cyber lions...

I'm a normal, rational person and it is my Christianity that helps me survive day to day.

Note: not thumping any books, here, just saying.

________________________________________________________________________
I wish I had a magical wish-granting plank.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:20 AM

COZEN

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Anyway, What makes you get up and fight life everyday? Why do you even bother? tell me, maybe I might learn something.

Speaking from experience, 46 years worth and counting, this is what helps me through the worst days. Even the average to boring days: a sense of humour.

See, it's laugh or cry. Some would say mirror images of the same emotion. Well, fuck it, I'd rather laugh. Sometimes laugh at you, sometimes at "them", most often at myownself.

I do believe that Eric Idle got it right when he said, "Just remember that the last laugh is on you." I guess, and let me stress "guess", cuz I haven't ever assumed knowledge of every gorram thing, that Eric was on to something there, such that the act of laughter works wonders as a coping mechanism.

Heh: sounds awfully Readers' Digesty. To which I say: Fuck it! Works for me. Can't speak for you, or anyone else. Might not hurt to give laughter a try, is all. See, to answer the thread's central question, the potential of laughter is what enables me to fight life every day. To even bother.

Next.

***
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:45 AM

TEETHGRINDER

Three words. 1.LOVE --(Mom and siblings / 3 younger sisters. If I do kill myself... How would they feel? Don't want them to blame themselves for what entirely is my own doing. I don't think I'm brave enough to really wanna find out. AND of course.... Firefly!) 2. HATE --If I'm hating somebody or something more than I hate myself... That's always a good sign for me. )
3. FEAR -- If there is a HELL... I don't think I'd wanna spend eternity there (I can't even stand hemorrhoids! )AND if indeed EVERYTHING ends when we die then... at least I wanna have a chance of being here if and when our Firefly flies again. After that... Who knows?

I'm almost entirely sure that I didn't help at all but yeah... That's my Top 3 reasons for waking up and getting out of bed. I was gonna make it 4 and put HOPE in as well but in my case..... it's NOT APPLICABLE.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 8:37 AM

SINGATE

It's odd that you posted a picture of yourself wearing a cross. Why do you even own a cross? On several threads it seems you have disavowed Christianity. You know, "Satan is my God" and "I don't know any good Christians" or something to that effect. So what's the deal with that picture?

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 8:54 AM

RIVER6213

Because I was a Christian a long time ago and I had a lot of Jewelry from that time. I never throw anything away. I wear them now because they look attractive on me. No other reason but that.

The River That Was

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 9:00 AM

ISAACSHEPHERD

River6213,
I hope everything turns out ok. I wish there was more I could do my own self. When I come on this site I frequently enjoy some of the posts, like this one, you really make me think about my own life. I had to wonder for a bit because like you said earlier some of our habits become mechanical and we just do.
I think you are very hard on yourself about a lot of things. I think you may need help but I'm not necesarily talking about a psychiatrist, people here want to help you out as well. I think there are 6 billion people on this planet for a reason, cause we need socialization and each other. I can only hope that you will read this and respond. Perhaps what you need is a change of scenery since the same place seems to bore you. Have you always lived where you are now? Well I guess this is the end of my post. Hope to hear from you again.
IS

The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 9:23 AM

SINGATE

Quote:
I never throw anything away.

So you kept a piece of jewelry which represents a religion you despise but discarded your friends and family. This appears to be a bit of a contradiction.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 9:49 AM

RIVER6213

Quote:
Originally posted by singate:
Quote:
I never throw anything away.

So you kept a piece of jewelry which represents a religion you despise but discarded your friends and family. This appears to be a bit of a contradiction.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

I never throw any material thing away. I collect everything, even things I nolonger want. I guess people are more expendable than material items. Thats rather funny and insane when you think about it.
My family and friends don't matter, or mean anything to me. I don't love them. They say they love me, but I don't need them. Relations with them offer myself nothing. The jewelry is something that looks attractive even if it represents a religion that I find somewhat...lacking. I still wear them because it is habit, and some habits are hard to break.

You will find that there are many thing things about me that is contradictory: I like the night, I hate the dark. I love you means I hate you. I wish to kill you but I want to save you. God loves me God hates me. And as usual, I have no one to blame for this...no one at all. It would be grand to be able to point at someone and say "This is all your fault, not mine" But its my fault, but the good side of it is that I know now what sort of creature I am. I know who's responsible for all of this.

I used to believe that everyone had some value as a human being. I used to believe that all people were worth saving. Now I do know the truth. Some people are worthless and are fully deserving of the title "Trash" a complete waste of life. I'm one of these people. The odd part is that it took me 44 years to learn this. I knew I was slow, but this is Ridiculous. I have prolonged my Existence way past the red line. I shouldnt even be here, but since I'm a chickens shit, this is going to take more time than I thought to snuff out this insane life that I lead. I have to have hope that I will be successful in the end.

Reality is when you find yourself in a chat room, telling everyone you are going to take your life. This has got to be the most unintelligent thing I've ever done in my whole life, and it also sums up just how far down the hole I've gone. past the point of no return, but, there are worse ways to make a fool of yourself, so I might as well count myself as lucky.

The River Falls

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 1:42 PM

SISTERBETTYX

You take yourself to seriously. Give the finger to everyone and do what you want honey.

“I don’t know. This here’s a spectacle might warrant a moment’s consideration.”

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 4:13 PM

OTMA

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

I never throw any material thing away. I collect everything, even things I nolonger want. I guess people are more expendable than material items. Thats rather funny and insane when you think about it.
My family and friends don't matter, or mean anything to me. I don't love them. They say they love me, but I don't need them. Relations with them offer myself nothing. The jewelry is something that looks attractive even if it represents a religion that I find somewhat...lacking. I still wear them because it is habit, and some habits are hard to break.

You will find that there are many thing things about me that is contradictory: I like the night, I hate the dark. I love you means I hate you. I wish to kill you but I want to save you. God loves me God hates me. And as usual, I have no one to blame for this...no one at all. It would be grand to be able to point at someone and say "This is all your fault, not mine" But its my fault, but the good side of it is that I know now what sort of creature I am. I know who's responsible for all of this.

I used to believe that everyone had some value as a human being. I used to believe that all people were worth saving. Now I do know the truth. Some people are worthless and are fully deserving of the title "Trash" a complete waste of life. I'm one of these people. The odd part is that it took me 44 years to learn this. I knew I was slow, but this is Ridiculous. I have prolonged my Existence way past the red line. I shouldnt even be here, but since I'm a chickens shit, this is going to take more time than I thought to snuff out this insane life that I lead. I have to have hope that I will be successful in the end.

Reality is when you find yourself in a chat room, telling everyone you are going to take your life. This has got to be the most unintelligent thing I've ever done in my whole life, and it also sums up just how far down the hole I've gone. past the point of no return, but, there are worse ways to make a fool of yourself, so I might as well count myself as lucky.

The River Falls

I don't know what kind of hell you're in. I don't know why you're there or what it feels like. I don't believe you only have one way out.
Why am I posting here? People all over the world who I've never met are living in various hells. Every day, some of them drop off for good without me noticing. It's not smart for me to be here. I don't know what to tell you. I can't reach out and fix your problems. Ai yah tien ah! I'm here because knowing changes everything. I know you're out there now. I can't pretend I don't. I won't believe you are worthless. Maybe you have damn good reasons to be depressed about yourself. I just hope you'll find something to hold on to. I don't really know you, I probably don't live in your hometown, probably won't ever meet you, don't have one single material thing to gain from you being around . . .but I honestly do care how this turns out. It might not be smart for me to care, but it's right.
You can end the rut your life is in without ending the life itself. I wish I could tell you how, but I don't know you well enough. You're smiling in that picture, though. I suppose not every smile is sincere, but I'll go with the idea it was, and that some part of you has to remember what it was like.
I'm glad you didn't stop posting today.
The cross is a much older and more widespread symbol than christianity. You can make yours mean whatever you want it to.
I think most people are contradictory in some way.
Just why is it you think you have so little value?

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Thursday, March 23, 2006 6:01 AM

CHRISISALL

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

The River Falls

Your creative change of signature suggests to me that you're here to stay for a while.

Think back to when you were 10 years old. Are you angry at that little girl for not killing herself, thus creating your horrible tenure on this planet?

Think about a possibly happy future you looking back at this very time and thinking "Wow, I was really wrapped up in that self-absorbed misery back then, I'm glad I was able to drop that (Or I never would have seen Serenity Resurrection: The Fall of the Alliance)".

It's all about perception. Trick yourself into believing that you're happy, just for an instant. Then do it again. Then again....

Just believe Chrisisall

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Thursday, March 23, 2006 8:18 AM

SISTERBETTYX

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

The River Falls
Quote:
Your creative change of signature suggests to me that you're here to stay for a while.

Think back to when you were 10 years old. Are you angry at that little girl for not killing herself, thus creating your horrible tenure on this planet?

Think about a possibly happy future you looking back at this very time and thinking "Wow, I was really wrapped up in that self-absorbed misery back then, I'm glad I was able to drop that (Or I never would have seen Serenity Resurrection: The Fall of the Alliance)".

It's all about perception. Trick yourself into believing that you're happy, just for an instant. Then do it again. Then again....

Just believe Chrisisall

You listen to him River6213. It's all about perception, and choice. It's all about what YOU want.

“I don’t know. This here’s a spectacle might warrant a moment’s consideration.”

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Thursday, March 23, 2006 7:44 PM

RIVER6213

Quote:
Originally posted by otma:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

I never throw any material thing away. I collect everything, even things I nolonger want. I guess people are more expendable than material items. Thats rather funny and insane when you think about it.
My family and friends don't matter, or mean anything to me. I don't love them. They say they love me, but I don't need them. Relations with them offer myself nothing. The jewelry is something that looks attractive even if it represents a religion that I find somewhat...lacking. I still wear them because it is habit, and some habits are hard to break.

You will find that there are many thing things about me that is contradictory: I like the night, I hate the dark. I love you means I hate you. I wish to kill you but I want to save you. God loves me God hates me. And as usual, I have no one to blame for this...no one at all. It would be grand to be able to point at someone and say "This is all your fault, not mine" But its my fault, but the good side of it is that I know now what sort of creature I am. I know who's responsible for all of this.

I used to believe that everyone had some value as a human being. I used to believe that all people were worth saving. Now I do know the truth. Some people are worthless and are fully deserving of the title "Trash" a complete waste of life. I'm one of these people. The odd part is that it took me 44 years to learn this. I knew I was slow, but this is Ridiculous. I have prolonged my Existence way past the red line. I shouldnt even be here, but since I'm a chickens shit, this is going to take more time than I thought to snuff out this insane life that I lead. I have to have hope that I will be successful in the end.

Reality is when you find yourself in a chat room, telling everyone you are going to take your life. This has got to be the most unintelligent thing I've ever done in my whole life, and it also sums up just how far down the hole I've gone. past the point of no return, but, there are worse ways to make a fool of yourself, so I might as well count myself as lucky.

The River Falls

I don't know what kind of hell you're in. I don't know why you're there or what it feels like. I don't believe you only have one way out.
Why am I posting here? People all over the world who I've never met are living in various hells. Every day, some of them drop off for good without me noticing. It's not smart for me to be here. I don't know what to tell you. I can't reach out and fix your problems. Ai yah tien ah! I'm here because knowing changes everything. I know you're out there now. I can't pretend I don't. I won't believe you are worthless. Maybe you have damn good reasons to be depressed about yourself. I just hope you'll find something to hold on to. I don't really know you, I probably don't live in your hometown, probably won't ever meet you, don't have one single material thing to gain from you being around . . .but I honestly do care how this turns out. It might not be smart for me to care, but it's right.
You can end the rut your life is in without ending the life itself. I wish I could tell you how, but I don't know you well enough. You're smiling in that picture, though. I suppose not every smile is sincere, but I'll go with the idea it was, and that some part of you has to remember what it was like.
I'm glad you didn't stop posting today.
The cross is a much older and more widespread symbol than christianity. You can make yours mean whatever you want it to.
I think most people are contradictory in some way.
Just why is it you think you have so little value?

To answer your question I have to give you a story.
No one gives a damn about me or my personal life, but to answer your question, I have to add all of this.

All of my life I was told I was going to fail. This was message was enhanced by my mother, who herself was an abused soul but a fighting spirit that was second to none. She had her mission, and that mission was to raise her children that she didn’t even want; all 5 of us by herself, but felt she had a moral responsibility to do so. It is obvious now that she had problems, severe ones, but as a child I was unaware of those problems. I was a dream child…a wonder child where our family was concerned. Call me arrogant for saying that…it’s true based on my family’s condition today. There was something very different about me but no one really knew what it was. My mother took out every frustration that she had on me; she was very cruel and she had a lot of demons to exercise. Look at it this way. Sybil and Carrie got off light. I was beaten, tortured and starved. Even to this day if I took of my shirt top off, there are deep scars. My mother carved out some hateful name of my back with a knife; I was only 7 when she did this! Its still there today. What kept me going was the fact that I had a very, vivid, imagination. I knew somehow in my child’s heart that there was something good waiting for me out there. I had a whole galaxy of stories in my head. I was the star of this movie. I bared everything that my mother threw at me, and then at the age of 16, God decided he had seen enough…my mother died from some stupid disease no ones ever heard of! I was free! I shed not a tear for her passing because she never taught us to feel anything. In hindsight…maybe that was a good thing.

6 months later after my mum’s death, I was told by my older brother that there was no room for me in the home. Since I was 16 years of age he figured that I was able to handle my own self and that I had to move out of the home. He gave me the strong impression that I was not wanted there. I hadn’t even finished high school! But, with the $600 dollars that I had saved up since I was 10 years of age. I bought a sleeping bag, a tent, and I spent the last bit of my money on pencils and paper. I hid out like an animal in the Woodland park area that was near the high school I went too. Everyday I would get up, hide my tent, and go to school. I would eat the free breakfasts and lunch and use the showers. No one knew that I was living in a tent near the school and I would make up stories about how I had this great life at home to the other kids. They would always ask to come over to my home and I would always make up a fat lie so they would never know the truth. I did this all the way up to the 12th grade.

During my senior year I managed to start making friends. I was a top track runner. I was also the top chess champion, and I was very good at math and drama. Nearing the graduation period I had this one friend named Susan, she had been pestering me on, and on about wanting to come over to my home, but I always found a way to change the subject. Well, one night she followed me to where I lived without me knowing it. By then I had my living situation down to a fine art. I had my tent up and I was studying for my final set of tests for school by candlelight and all of a sudden, this car shows up with all these people. Apparently Susan found out where I was living, and how I was living, and she went and got her parents. They showed up, and they confronted me right there. I was so ashamed! I let them know that I was completely fine, and that I needed no ones help. They were not going to hear any of that. Susan’s mother said right there that from this point on, she’s my mother! I didn’t know what to say to that, so I let them tear down my tent, collect all of my books and other items, and I let them take me to their home.

From there, everything changed for me. For the 1st time I was in a family…a loving family. It took me 4 months to adapt. Since that 1st day that I got picked up by these people, the mother made it her personal responsibility to hug me everyday; even though I tried to run from her each time she did it. I wasn’t used to being touched by anyone except if that person wanted to hit me. And to be told that they “loved” me creeped me out at 1st, until one day…one Christmas…I got it. I got that they did love me. It was the 1st time I ever felt that someone loved me. I went to pieces right there, and that whole family of theirs took the time to comfort me. I cried a life time right there. The knew that they had a brilliant soul with them. They knew somehow that they had a person in their presence that had been severely abused.

Because of these wonderful people that were good Christians, I got off to a great start in life with a lot of help from them. I made it my personal responsibility to succeed so that they would be proud of me, and after college, I went forth and carved myself out an empire.

But there was a problem. You cannot be a child who goes through a world of abuse and torture, and have that abuse disappear overnight by the love of another family. That child which was me had created something within her that was able to withstand a sick, mother who had a taste for torture. Without myself having been aware of it. When I was a child I had created a machine within my mind. This machine idea started off with a story I had put together after my mother wanted to play a game called “Survive the drowning” She always had these sick games that she played where the child always ends up in the emergency ward at a hospital. This machine’s primary goal was to protect me at all costs. This machine was successful for me as a child, but now, in my adult life. This machine is still trying to carry out its primary mission…to protect me at all costs, which means it will attack any and everyone. This thing that was once a savior, is now an unstopple killer. I didn’t notice it in my 20s, but I started to notice that something was up in my 30s. Now In my 40s I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I have something within my head…call it a survival instinct gone crazy, and in the process, I have done some pretty awful things to other people. I have gone from being the victim, to being the monster. I cannot live with this. This is completly unacceptable I hope you understand.

To quote Commander William Adama:

"You cannot play god and wash you hands of the things you’ve created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can’t hide from the things that you’ve done anymore".

This is why I wish to commit suicide. I have become the monster, the fool, the idiot. And worse of worse…that family, that took an abused girl into thier home, and healed her, loved her must never know what monster they nurtured.

This is my crime for which I am SO beyond guilty.

If you folks ever wondered what it was like to be insane....well, here it is.

River No More

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Thursday, March 23, 2006 8:22 PM

RIVER6213

Sorry for the long thread

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Thursday, March 23, 2006 8:27 PM

SISTERBETTYX

That's such a heartbreaking story River. I don't know what to say to any of that except for I hope Steven Spielberg hears about this.

“I don’t know. This here’s a spectacle might warrant a moment’s consideration.”

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Thursday, March 23, 2006 9:15 PM

HIXIE129

I have read many of your posts in the last 2 or 3 months.

I think that the breakup with your ex-husband is the cause. He hurt you and now you want to hurt others.. To see them suffer because you have suffered, from being the victim to creating victims. Your having no interest in sex.

River you are not the only person ever betrayed in a relationship. Or has felt their heart ripped from your body. Or had it hard growing up?

The bad childhood, the kind family, your happy marriage, the breakup of the marriage = LIFE

Get laid! Spend an entire weekend doing nothing but that…. Then next week, try starting a relationship with somebody. Start slowly. If you don't feel it working, then move on to someone else. There are a few nice people on the PLANET. (I'm not saying that it will be easy to find them, but they do exist)

I really think that you need to have someone in your life NOW. GO find someone and share life for a while.

River, I did not write this to be mean. I loved when you wrote with authority and when you threw darts and daggers around.. I can't take seeing you like this. It really breaks my heart.

BTW really nice picture. Thanks

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Thursday, March 23, 2006 9:25 PM

THEREALME

I'm sorry, River. I'd like to give you a hug right now. And what of this family that took you in? Are you still connected with them?

It's true that the protection mechanisms sometimes outlive their usefulness or get out of control. But they don't have to rule your life.

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Thursday, March 23, 2006 9:40 PM

RIVER6213

Quote:
Originally posted by Hixie129:

I have read many of your posts in the last 2 or 3 months.

I think that the breakup with your ex-husband is the cause. He hurt you and now you want to hurt others.. To see them suffer because you have suffered, from being the victim to creating victims. Your having no interest in sex.

River you are not the only person ever betrayed in a relationship. Or has felt their heart ripped from your body. Or had it hard growing up?

The bad childhood, the kind family, your happy marriage, the breakup of the marriage = LIFE

Get laid! Spend an entire weekend doing nothing but that…. Then next week, try starting a relationship with somebody. Start slowly. If you don't feel it working, then move on to someone else. There are a few nice people on the PLANET. (I'm not saying that it will be easy to find them, but they do exist)

I really think that you need to have someone in your life NOW. GO find someone and share life for a while.

River, I did not write this to be mean. I loved when you wrote with authority and when you threw darts and daggers around.. I can't take seeing you like this. It really breaks my heart.

BTW really nice picture. Thanks

Thanks for your kind words. I thought I was going to be ignored forever after posting that super personal post. I've learned that people don't like it when you post super personal stuff. it makes them uncomfortable.

The idea of getting laid is an alien one to me right now. If someone touched me I wouldnt know what to do and I might scream. And yes, i too hate seeing me like this and it has crumbled my heart to be so broken. I have avioded going to my company...and this is NOT a good time to do this. Things need to be taken care of, but i can't go in there like this...I just can't. I feel as though all my sheilds have been knocked out.

Age is a funny thing. You think you have everything under control and BAM! age comes in there and warps your mind. Its like all the demons that I have ever had are coming out too play. I can't handle it and I really need to die, but I have discovered recently that I do all this big talk concerning suicide, but I can't seem to go through with it....this is a problem.

Talk about screaming for help! here I sit, on a computer screaming for help...if only to be listen to and understood. So much for being the invincible machine.

Even River was stronger than this....

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