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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Well, for all of those who are interested, I made it back. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but here I am.

River

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Originally posted by Cedric:
I just came back to the board after being on the road for a while, and I read your thread from the beginning. I too am glad you're still amongst us.

I've come very close to suicide several times, even to the point of choking down pills once. (Vicodin by curious coincidence.) But I'm still around also.

There are a few things that keep me going. Music, and my faith in the Divine. (Since I know some people on the board think all Wiccans are flakes, I suppose I'll tweak them by mentioning that Wicca is my faith.)

But mostly what got me back from the edge was deciding that I would pretend to be okay. My motto was "Fake it 'til you make it." If I could pretend well enough to fool myself, it really would work.

I know depression well--I have wrestled with that old foe many times. It's like a voice in my head that tells me everything is hopeless, that I'm worthless, and there's no point to keeping on. And even though I knew, deep down somewhere, that the voice was lying, I often let it take hold of my mouth, like a lunatic with a loudspeaker, and I found that once I'd done that, it became stronger, and I transfered the need to fight it to other people. It was only when I denied my depression control of my voice, and instead forced myself to say good things about myself and the world, that things started to get better. Admittedly, it's very difficult for a cynic to use affirmations, but they really do work. And believe me, I've wrestled so much with depression that I don't waste my time with things that don't work.

Hang in there, River. Deep down inside, you are stronger than your past, stronger than your problems, stronger than everything.

Cedric


"Some things stay with you, 'til the day you die."
On the Drift: Music Inspired by Firefly and Serenity, now on sale at
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/bedlambards/from/celtic

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
It feels strange typing in here after all this time. It feels like months have pasted, but actually, it was only about a week. The mind is funny.

River

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Forgive me if I missed something in that very well thought out post, but do you suspect that I'm suffering from some form of depression? I don't feel depressed, but I also do not trust my own judgment at this point...I don't really know what I am, and what I'm suffering from. I do know now that suicide is totally out for me. I've down my bit in that direction and I've failed at it completely and brought a boatload of trouble down upon myself in the process. You posters are so nice and so full of info that I might use for myself later. You are all so giving, and here I lay...just taking like some kind of leech.

What is Wicca any way?

River

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I don’t know what you mean by “journey”

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Originally posted by chrisisall:

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I don’t know what you mean by “journey”

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"Life is a journey, not a destination."

After I was escorted to the hospital (wow, like a quarter century ago now), and kinda passed out from blood loss, the surgeons did their thing, and I don't remember dreaming- just nothing.
When I woke the next mourning, my first feeling was that I was pissed to still be around. Not that I tried to kill myself in the literal sense, but smashing a plate glass window with your fist and not even checking for a cut to the point of near-fatal blood leakage kinda spells out your state of mind, don't it?

...just tryin' to show ya you aren't alone in at least some of what you might be feeling...

Chrisisallshewrote, almost.

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:

My finger hurts from all this typing, and I’m tired again. Poor, egocentric, dramatic, center-of-the-‘verse me.

River

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Originally posted by embers:

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:

My finger hurts from all this typing, and I’m tired again. Poor, egocentric, dramatic, center-of-the-‘verse me.

River

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I've been away a couple of months, so this is the first I've seen this thread...and I've read the whole thing from the beginning.

Fact is a lot of people are alive and get up everyday because suicide is hard. It is difficult to injure yourself (missing your head & hitting your shoulder isn't that surprising, something in us is hard-wired to preserve ourselves). Plus all those around you who will try to prevent someone bleeding to death if they can.

I hope you noticed that there are people here to cared... They didn't want anything from you. They are willing to accept you as you are, without looking to change you.

You came to this site because of Firefly/Serenity, I would think that something in those characters spoke to you. Mal himself is certainly someone who lost everthing he ever cared about, lost his faith in everything, but is satisfied to just keep flying.

While you're convolessing (I'm a terrible speller, sorry about that), take the time to rewatch Firefly and give yourself some space...

Good luck.


**********************************************
watch the R. Tam Session vids: http://www.hittarivertam.nu/
and buy the 'Serenity' comics published by Dark Horse
have you checked out this thread?:
http://www.fireflyfans.net/thread.asp?b=2&t=15816

and listen to 'I'm Going To See Serenity':
http://music.podshow.com/music/listeners/artistdetails.php?BandHash=a0
c814e1229742ce77ed4497cbf4631c

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Originally posted by citizen:
Been lurking around this thread but I'm not really qualified to reply, so I'll just say...

Hi.

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More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. But I know none, and therefore am no beast.

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Originally posted by Hixie129:
River

I could never be mad at you, I love you.

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Originally posted by otma:

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Forgive me if I missed something in that very well thought out post, but do you suspect that I'm suffering from some form of depression? I don't feel depressed, but I also do not trust my own judgment at this point...I don't really know what I am, and what I'm suffering from. I do know now that suicide is totally out for me. I've down my bit in that direction and I've failed at it completely and brought a boatload of trouble down upon myself in the process. You posters are so nice and so full of info that I might use for myself later. You are all so giving, and here I lay...just taking like some kind of leech.

What is Wicca any way?

River

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Wicca is essentially a modern re-creation/revival of pre-Christian European/Celtic paganism, sometimes with elements of other faiths and practices, such as Buddhism and Ceremonial Magic included in the mix. There are many different forms of Wicca, and not all pagan oriented faiths refer to themselves as Wiccan, although all Wiccans are pagan. Like any faith, Wicca does have its share of flakes, fundamentalists (who will insist their form of Wicca is the ONLY true one) and frauds, but stereotypes of all Wiccans being naive goth girls or crystal and rainbow new age dabblers are inaccurate. The roots of Wicca are ancient, but it is essentially a modern faith, although older branches are decades old by now. Some Wiccans are very formal and ritualistic, some are very eclectic and informal. Common elements of Wiccan faith include acceptance of both male (god) and female (goddess) divine images, observance of the cycles of nature (moon cycles, solstices and equinoxes), belief in karma and reincarnation, and belief in divine power being manifest in the natural world and its inhabitants, rather than standing apart from them. Wicca does not have Hell or judgement in the Christian sense, there is a concept of right and wrong, but not "sin", and it lacks the squeamish and punitive views of sexuality that seem common in some other faiths. The main "law" of Wicca, known as the Wiccan Rede, is "An' it harm none, do as you will." This is often seen by non-Wiccans, and even by some "party pagans" to mean total licentiousness, but it is actually a much more difficult rule to follow than it first appears, and is not far from the famous "Golden Rule." There is a lot more to the ritual and practice, especially within specific groups, but while noone would say I've given you a complete picture here, I don't think many would say I've given you any misleading or false information, except perhaps those who don't accept that Wicca is partially modern, and not a direct continuation of ancient practice.

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Originally posted by LittleAlbatross29:
River,
My heart just aches for your pain.I've had a few breakdowns myself & know from whence you speak.I wish there were something I could say to help, but the "you're not alone" crap never did it for me.Actually ,like you, I am alone .
Faith does the trick ,sometimes.Other times not so much.
If you ever want to talk, I'll be around(probably in some dark corner,where it's raining ).

Bryce
********************************************8

I swallowed a bug.

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Originally posted by singate:
I'm just glad that you're a bad shot! Seriously though, I imagine you will be having an interesting couple of months. Between the trouble with your neighbors and I'm guessing some legal issues you look to be a busy girl. How fucked up is it that what you tried to do is considered a crime! I will also hazard a guess that this won't sit well at your company.

Well, chin up and all that, glad you are still with us. Even though it is difficult for you to type I hope you will check in with us regularly.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
No, but thanks for asking. I stole this SIG from some person on the BSG board...cool huh! In the gaming world, epecially in FPS I am known as ScandalQwK and play TFC, DOD, COD, Medal of Honor, and sometimes AVP2 whenever i get kinda edgy. And I'm a wingman for Arrow Squadron in Lock On! I've thought about joining the City of Heros, but I'm just into killing things...you know, fight or flight? That's my story. I'm sort of a one-of-a-kind kind of gal that doesnt seem like she fits anywhere. It's sort of sad and pathetic when you think about it, but thank god for the internet. My mission if any, is to be queen of the cyber skies.

Anyway, What makes you get up and fight life everyday? Why do you even bother? tell me, maybe I might learn something.

River

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
P.S. Why is all this typing so dark? The fonts I mean?

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
P.S. Why is all this typing so dark? The fonts I mean?

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Originally posted by RiverR6213:
How are you doing Citizen?

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Still afraid to talk to the crazy person because it might mess with your rep?

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Anyway, I'm watching Aliens 2 right now and my fav scene is on....the dropship scene. I luv it. Too bad they all get wasted by the aliens, but that dropship scene is always good for the old ego.

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Too bad they all get wasted by the aliens...
River

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Originally posted by singate:

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Too bad they all get wasted by the aliens...
River

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Actually one of the great things about the movie is how the characters face their deaths. Ripley asks Hicks to kill her before she can be taken by the aliens. He tells her if it comes down to it he'll do both of them. Hell yeah! Hudson whines and complains throughout the movie but goes out like a man. BTW Bill Paxton was awesome in that role. Vasquez is one of the best kickass characters ever! She even helps that pussy lieutentant to have a heroic death.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Next time I'll throw myself in front of a train if this is what it takes.

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Oh, so you are going to occasionally talk to the crazy person? This is a good thing, but as for yourself…you are anything but crazy and the choosy mothers of JIFF tend to agree with me on this particular point.

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Titanic? LoL! Titanic was a good movie and I loved it. So what if it was an overly dramatic film?

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Well, for all of those who are interested, I made it back. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but here I am.

River

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Originally posted by citizen:

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Next time I'll throw myself in front of a train if this is what it takes.

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Don't do that! It's all fun and games until someone ends up splattered over the 08:20 intercity and people end up late for work.

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Oh, so you are going to occasionally talk to the crazy person? This is a good thing, but as for yourself…you are anything but crazy and the choosy mothers of JIFF tend to agree with me on this particular point.

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*puts underpants on his head and pencils up his nose*
Wibble!

How about now?

Who in the sphincter of hell are the mothers of JIFF?

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Titanic? LoL! Titanic was a good movie and I loved it. So what if it was an overly dramatic film?

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It was more turning pretty much the worst maritime disasters in history where thousands died, into a love story. A fairly cliche and lame love story.

I mean really, they're on a ship that's sinking where thousands died, do we really need some nut case running around with a gun to give the story some drama and peril?

I personally think A Night to Remember ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051994/ ) is better, despite being black and white and made in the fifties.

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Originally posted by BrownCoat1:

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Well, for all of those who are interested, I made it back. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but here I am.

River

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Definitely a good thing River. You had us worried. It is good to have you home.

I am glad that your attempt failed. You failed for a reason. I am not one to impose my beliefs on anyone, but I will simply say that you were not meant to die so you are still here. I think you should look upon this as a chance at a fresh start. Put all of these thoughts of suicide out of your mind and focus on healing. You have friends here and people who are willing to listen, to try to help you. I'm no professional, but I am told I am a really good listener. I imagine I am not the only one here.

If you want to talk, go right ahead, we'll listen. If you want advise we can offer it, but only if you want it. No one is going to judge you or push you to do anything you don't want to.

My best friend committed suicide when I was in high school. I have suffered bouts of depression that would make a goth seem like a bubbly, chipper person, and like many I have considered suicide. I never went down that road. Let's just say it is not in my nature. Being Scottish I am just too damn stubborn to die. I'd rather fight and spit in the eye of whatever is bothering me than to give in to it.

If you need us we are here. Just remember you have friends, family really, here on this site. We browncoats stick together & we look out for our own.

Just keep flyin' River. That's what matters.

__________________________________________

"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."

Richmond, VA & surrounding area Firefly Fans:

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/richmondbrowncoats/

http://www.richmondbrowncoats.org

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Thank you for that Browncoat1!

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Sorry about your best friend.

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
If you have a bunch of people in your life, then suicide is a completly selfish thing to do, but if you have no friends or no family...no one you feel you love or they love you, then suicide is an easy decision to come to.

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I thank all of you who are talking to me right now. I really need this. It makes me feel somewhat "normal" if you can understand what I mean by that. I don't know HOW I managed to not kill myself. I was so determined! You have to understand the weirdness of all of this. I practice at a gun range a lot in the past. I know about HOW certain guns have shock and recoil when you pull the trigger. I still don't understand how I managed to get myself in the shoulder...it doesnt make sense, but my shoulder is a mess and I'm not kidding when I said that. I won't have use of my arm and hand for awhile. And its going to be difficult to explain this to people later on.

If there is a god then this god is seriously fraking with me right now, but I really don't know what to do about it. I have to first dig myself out of this new mess I've put myself in, and I also have to convince certain people that the whole gun issue was an accident, and then 2nd, I think I better get to work on finding reasons to be useful in this world, or at least finding people I can love and trust. There seems to be a boatload of the latter right here on this board, so I might not have to look very hard..who really knows? Typing with one hand really is annoying!

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Originally posted by BrownCoat1:

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Thank you for that Browncoat1!

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You are most certainly welcome! What are browncoats (and friends) for?

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Sorry about your best friend.

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I appreciate that River. It was a long time ago.

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
If you have a bunch of people in your life, then suicide is a completly selfish thing to do, but if you have no friends or no family...no one you feel you love or they love you, then suicide is an easy decision to come to.

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I agree that suicide if you have friends & family is a bit selfish, but I respectfully disagree that few or no friends, family or loved ones makes suicide a viable option. How do you know that you will not have a loved one or friends in your near future? Wouldn't suicide cheat you and them of that love and relationship?

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I thank all of you who are talking to me right now. I really need this. It makes me feel somewhat "normal" if you can understand what I mean by that. I don't know HOW I managed to not kill myself. I was so determined! You have to understand the weirdness of all of this. I practice at a gun range a lot in the past. I know about HOW certain guns have shock and recoil when you pull the trigger. I still don't understand how I managed to get myself in the shoulder...it doesnt make sense, but my shoulder is a mess and I'm not kidding when I said that. I won't have use of my arm and hand for awhile. And its going to be difficult to explain this to people later on.

If there is a god then this god is seriously fraking with me right now, but I really don't know what to do about it. I have to first dig myself out of this new mess I've put myself in, and I also have to convince certain people that the whole gun issue was an accident, and then 2nd, I think I better get to work on finding reasons to be useful in this world, or at least finding people I can love and trust. There seems to be a boatload of the latter right here on this board, so I might not have to look very hard..who really knows? Typing with one hand really is annoying!

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Like I said, I don't push my beliefs on anyone, but obviously you were not meant to die. To me that says it is not your time. Consider it a karmic push in the right direction by the universe. Like Book said, it doesn't matter what you believe, just believe. In this case the power behind the failure does not matter so much as the fact that you failed and are still with us. Think on this as a second chance and make the most of it my friend.

You will get past all the mess you are in now. You have friends here who will help however we can and who will support you in this tough time. I would take advantage of that support network to help get me through this spot. You need to talk, vent or anything else, we are here.

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