priceless by citizen

GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

priceless

POSTED BY: CITIZEN
UPDATED: Sunday, July 23, 2006 10:31
SHORT URL:
VIEWED: 3122
PAGE 1 of 1

Friday, July 21, 2006 12:55 PM

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait.

The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked:

"Runway too short"?

To which I replied. "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman was surprised and confused.

"A what? a rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

“Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet"

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously . "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105

Court Costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless...

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, July 21, 2006 4:23 PM

MORWEN112

Nice one, Citizen. Reminds of something our dear Captain might say to one of those damned Purplebellies. Of course, you have to remember that the policeman was only doing his job. How fast were you going, anyway?

Mine is an evil sugar high laugh! Bwahahahaha!

Morwen

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, July 21, 2006 4:28 PM

RMMC

I'm just wondering where the cop put the speeding ticket....

*******
RMMC

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, July 21, 2006 4:30 PM

CITIZEN

I wasn't, tis just a joke I got in email, I personally never break the speed limit, you'll never find me in the outside lane doing 90 (which is, incidently far slower than your average Beamer or merc driver), no sir.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, July 21, 2006 4:59 PM

TRAVELER

When I get pulled over I just remember what our police officers where on their gun belts. Guns. I talk very politly to people with guns. Smiling helps a little to.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, July 21, 2006 11:45 PM

CITIZEN

Quote:
Originally posted by traveler:
When I get pulled over I just remember what our police officers where on their gun belts. Guns. I talk very politly to people with guns. Smiling helps a little to.

Sounds like an unhealthy fear of the police force, something that shouldn't occur in a free society.

The police are supposed to work for the public, you should only fear the police in a police state.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, July 21, 2006 11:47 PM

GUYWHOWANTSAFIREFLYOFHISOWN

that's hilarious Citizen

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php
-try it out, I dare you

98% of teens have smoked pot, if you are one of the 2% that haven't, copy this into your signature

I'm so into Firefly, my butt glows in the dark.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, July 21, 2006 11:53 PM

MAGDALENA

"No power in the 'verse can stop me!"

Quote:
Originally posted by traveler:
When I get pulled over I just remember what our police officers where on their gun belts. Guns. I talk very politly to people with guns. Smiling helps a little to.

Not in the UK they don't - they carry little sticks that look like a radio antena and they flick them to make them longer (like a quick-flick radio antena) and then they hold them over their shoulder and say "Stop! Sunhill Police!" when they are too far away to catch up with you in a chase!

At least I think so - might be confusing my life in the UK with some TV I watch here in Australia a bit...

Love you though - Magda x x

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 12:05 AM

GUYWHOWANTSAFIREFLYOFHISOWN

those are called ASPs

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 12:20 PM

TRAVELER

No. I don't fear the police. Actually I have several friends who are police officers. But I have had a gun pointed at me. And it may or may not be a healthy fear, I fear loaded guns.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 12:26 PM

Ain't no such thing as an unloaded gun.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 12:32 PM

ODDSBODSKINS

Quote:
Originally posted by 13:
Ain't no such thing as an unloaded gun.

hwa? that's either really deep, you know, being loaded and ready to fire defines it as a gun, or, utter nonsense.

well, okay, or option three, from the police manual for officers arriving on scene of an incident involving firearms

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:06 PM

Double-double.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:06 PM

I was going for the Early-ish sorta thing. You know, it doesn't exist unless it's being used?

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:09 PM

ODDSBODSKINS

unloaded, it's just an inneffective cudgel...

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:12 PM

Unloaded the gun is completely useless, therefore (for all intents and purposes) non-existent. The clip gives it the means to exist.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:12 PM

Unloaded the gun is completely useless, therefore (for all intents and purposes) non-existent. The clip gives it the means to exist.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:13 PM

ODDSBODSKINS

what about revolvers?

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:18 PM

Fine, then a bullet brings forth existence and purpose.

The bullet does not exist if it is not in the gun, if we're sticking to the 'purpose=existence' philosophy.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:24 PM

ODDSBODSKINS

but yet if suitably dropped or struck, the bullet may explode without the gun...and yet, the gun structures the detonation, and gives form to chaos!

*sniffs* such beautiful interplay, the yin and the yang...brings a tear to yer eye!

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:27 PM

BELUGASMOM

MY question is: at what speed do YOU normally drive on freeways posted at 60-65mph? My answer is: 67 tops. Anything over 67, and my BOB (Bucket Of Bolts) shakes like an earthquake and makes most disturbing noises........now, when I win the lottery and buy that mid-80's Porsche 911 SC...........

Life is short, brutal, and unpredictable. EAT DESSERT FIRST.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:28 PM

Ah, but the bullet that was dropped was done so without purpose, yet the results exist. But that is chaos, indeed, and does not apply to the newly set rules.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:30 PM

ODDSBODSKINS

must the trigger be pulled with purpose and forethought? or merely purpose, in order to truly define the gun?

and, i don't drive so much, took lessons a few years back, but, i live in the city-centre, don't go much further then where a bus can take me.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:33 PM

"Purpose is what drives us. Purpose moves us. Purpose is what defines us," to probably misquote Agent Smith.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:35 PM

ODDSBODSKINS

not so much with the forethought then...

h'mmm, now how d'you get away with claiming not to have done it on purpose if purpose drives you... or do you fall back on the 'a big boy did it and ran away' line?

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:37 PM

You just say 'Chaos Theory' and run away instead.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:42 PM

ODDSBODSKINS

could just get 'chaos theory' printed on the back of your jacket and skip straight to the running

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:53 PM

Or a Wile E. Coyote sign.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:55 PM

ODDSBODSKINS

doesn't really offer the same level of in-depth explanation and analysis like...maybe you could save the money for getting a printed jacket and get faster shoes? save on having to explain at all

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 1:58 PM

You could always leave a note.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 2:01 PM

ODDSBODSKINS

it's wasn't me/i'm very sorry/chaos theory [delete as appropriate]

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 2:09 PM

Aye. That about covers it.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 2:14 PM

ODDSBODSKINS

you know, it's a radical thought, but, d'you reckon you could reach the same end result, i.e. not being blamed, by just, not pulling the trigger? or would that deprive the cudgel and the bullet of having form, purpose and a whole?

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 2:18 PM

If the gun is loaded and you don't pull the trigger, then it still has purpose, because you obviously loaded it with the intention to shoot something, whether you knew what you were going to shoot or not.

Whoa...that made a stupid kind of sense.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, July 22, 2006 2:21 PM

ODDSBODSKINS

thought that was the whole point? making absolute blather make a twisted kind of sense? s'always an entertaining way to pass a few hours ^^

(even more so if you can make other people swallow the absolute blather

passed me many a dull day at work)

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, July 23, 2006 4:56 AM

MAGDALENA

"No power in the 'verse can stop me!"

I'm very...VERY scared right now - coz it all made a kind of sense to me...

I think it's time I went to bed...

'Night y'all - mwaaah - Magda x x x

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, July 23, 2006 5:00 AM

GUYWHOWANTSAFIREFLYOFHISOWN

Quote:
Originally posted by 13:
Unloaded the gun is completely useless, therefore (for all intents and purposes) non-existent. The clip gives it the means to exist.

wrong, because I still pistol-whip you without rounds in my gun

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, July 23, 2006 6:12 AM

ODDSBODSKINS

Quote:
Originally posted by Guywhowantsafireflyofhisown:
Quote:
Originally posted by 13:
Unloaded the gun is completely useless, therefore (for all intents and purposes) non-existent. The clip gives it the means to exist.

wrong, because I still pistol-whip you without rounds in my gun

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php
-try it out, I dare you

98% of teens have smoked pot, if you are one of the 2% that haven't, copy this into your signature

I'm so into Firefly, my butt glows in the dark.

you then devote yourself to the school of thought that, without bullets, the gun has a purpose as an inferior cudgel? it's been covered

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, July 23, 2006 7:14 AM

22CLAWS

Entirely pointy.

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think."

22

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, July 23, 2006 10:31 AM

TRAVELER

Wow! I used the term "loaded" because police generally do not carry unloaded guns. Sort of defeats the purpose. To serve and protect.
But I did get the Early reference. With no bullets in it is it still a gun? As Dirty Hairy said,"Do you feel lucky punk?"

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

YOUR OPTIONS

SHARE THREAD

NEW POSTS TODAY

USER

POST DATE