Need advice (or sympathy, at least!)...fcuk-ed up situation! by ShinyTrinket

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Need advice (or sympathy, at least!)...fcuk-ed up situation!

POSTED BY: SHINYTRINKET
UPDATED: Wednesday, August 23, 2006 08:42
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VIEWED: 4643
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Tuesday, August 22, 2006 4:58 PM

So, THIS sucks...

I recently applied for a job I really REALLY wanted, at a new business in my line of work that will be opening shortly. I've been out of work since March, and I was very excited when I found out about this. I waited and waited, and finally they advertised for staff. I pounced and applied.

I told a close friend, who still works at the place I left in March. She decided to put in an application at the 11th hour.

I had an interview last week, and it went very well. She had an interview yesterday.

Long story short...guess who got the job?

I know it's not my friend's fault; she didn't mean for this to happen, and she certainly was not the one making the final decision--so why do I feel like she cut in on me at the dance and stole my partner???

As illogical and petty as it may be, and as happy as I want to be for her, I can't even bring myself to think about being around her now. It's bad enough that I didn't get the job, but even worse that it may adversely affect our friendship. Every time I see her I'll feel like it's getting rubbed in my face.

I feel shitty about this in a million different ways, and have no idea what to do. My friend is out of town, so I have a few days to think about it before I have to face her again, but I'm not even sure I can.

My husband and other friends say I'm NOT being a petty wench, but I feel like I am. But I'm still

furious!!

What a clstrfck!

*************************************************
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a good gorramn!

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006 5:08 PM

HIEI

Ok not saying you are being suo-shee, but she was your friend. Be happy that your friend got the job. It probably won't make sence right away but be happy for her, she didn't mean to keep you unelmployed, she just wanted the job.

"Suo-shee chinese for petty."

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006 5:12 PM

SHINYTRINKET

Quote:
Originally posted by Hiei:
Ok not saying you are being suo-shee, but she was your friend. Be happy that your friend got the job. It probably won't make sence right away but be happy for her, she didn't mean to keep you unelmployed, she just wanted the job.

"Suo-shee chinese for petty."

I know...sorry 'bout whingin'...I told you, I feel petty and dumb...but feelings are what they are, even when they don't make sense.

I'll be in my bunk...

*************************************************
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a good gorramn!

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006 5:21 PM

SAMEERTIA

Shiny, you're absolutely right.
Feelings are what we feel, even when we understand that they may not be fair feelings.

It's a good thing she's out of town for a few days. That will let you sort this out.

My suggestion? Journal this out. Sit down and write out how you feel about it, everything- how angry and hurt and upset, as well as petty and foolish. Everything that you associate with what you're going through, write it down.

When you're all done, read it over, then tear it up into a million little pieces and throw it away.
Then write two lists.
Write a list of all the things about your friend that you like, why you're friends, how much that friendship means to you.
THEN
write a list of other jobs you might like to have, other ways you might be able to find a job that you'll enjoy. There may only have been one of THAT job, but there are probably others out there that you could really enjoy.

I will bet, in the end, you feel tons better and will be able to face your friend just fine when she gets back.

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006 5:21 PM

HIEI

Nah whine all you want it's good for you.(I didn't know there was a post befor this one untill after I posted this.)

"Suo-shee chinese for petty."

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006 5:37 PM

ARCADIA

((hugs))

Give yourself a little break, here. Of course you're going to feel snubbed. You invested a lot of yourself into trying for this new position. It isn't your friends fault that she got the job -- but the fact is, she is a reminder of it, and it is very easy to transfer your feelings of disappointment onto her. It isn't weak, it's human. So don't beat yourself up over it, or tell yourself it makes you a bad person, because it doesn't.

I'm glad to see that you're talking with your husband and other friends. It may seem right now that it is needless bitching, but it is really helping you, trust me. When you keep things bottled up, they will intensify and twist and become really nasty. Letting them out will help them pass.

Remember -- don't punish yourself over this! It is NOT your fault. Also remember -- don't punish her. It's not her fault, either. It really is just a crappy situation.

Take a few days to be whiny/bitchy/complainy, but remember that you can't indulge in this forever or you'll never more past it, and you'll just be bitter. You might want to tell your husband and freinds to call you out on this kind of behavior if your start to exhibit it, to stop you from getting in the habit before you start. I know this is something that has really helped me with my flaws -- living with peoeple who just don't let me get away with it, who are just willing to say, "Katie, you are doing THIS, so stop it." In the short run, it can be annoying. In the long run -- so, so helpful.

((hugs))

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It sucks!

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aka Greyfable and/or Katie

like the avatar? there are more. grab one here: http://snipurl.com/syt0. Happy Summer of Serenity!
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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 1:30 AM

ZZETTA13

SHINYTRINKET, I hear you and understand. You have every right to be disappointed in the way events have turned out. Is it worth loosing a friendship over? That's for you to think about.

IMO it is not. Sounds like your friend was only trying to make an improvement in her life. Not transgress on yours. Had there been an opportunity that the both of you become employed for the same company that would have been great. I get the feeling that you really do believe deep down that your friend didn't apply for the same job out of meanness. If you are qualified for this job, then keep applying to the company. Show them that you are very interested and eagar to work for them.

I do know something about this. I had a simmilar expirience about 11 years ago were my brother told me about a job he had heard about from some friends. Without my knowing he had applied also and got the job. Was I mad? NO. Since that time the company has been sold or re-allined 4 times.My brother has done well and moved up. That's not to say that I would have done the same. Things have worked out well for me although my employer now could make some improvements. Just the same, keep applying to this company and others like it where you feel you would enjoy being employed. Good luck with everything :)

Z

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 4:18 AM

RUGBUG

Quote:
Originally posted by Arcadia:
Remember -- don't punish yourself over this! It is NOT your fault. Also remember -- don't punish her. It's not her fault, either. It really is just a crappy situation.

Wow, you all are a lot nicer than I am, I guess. I absolutely think it's the friend's fault. She broke the friend code. You don't date your friends exes and you don't apply for a job you heard about BECAUSE of your friend. If they had both applied, independent of the other, fine. But it sounds like the only reason the "friend" even knew about the job was because she was told. Friends don't claw their way over each others back to improve their lives.

Does it have to ruin the friendship? No. But I would definitely tell her how you feel. Her reaction would then dictate whether or not the friendship really means anything to her.

'Course this is just my opinion....

***************
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." - George Bernard Shaw

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 4:26 AM

MSG

I'd say a good portion of this is what Rugbug said. You told her about this job you really wanted and she went in and got it instead. Now she didn't make final choice, but she could have chosen not to apply, especially since you were out of work and she wasn't so I can see why there'd be some resentment there.
If you really think she didn't mean to be a bit selfish, then I'd say journal it out and do all the positive journaling as suggested, but it sounds like part of you thinks she did this without thinking of you and your feelings and maybe that's what you need to address. I know if my friend were looking for work and told me of this great job she applied for, I would certainly ask her if she was ok if I applied as well. It's a little selfish to just go ahead and try to get a job you know your friend wants/is counting on without even acknowledging that you would be taking something from her.

I choose to rise instead of fall- U2

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 5:24 AM

ZOID

Okay, I've heard what you're saying ShinyTrinket, and I've read all the other responses, and agreed with most of them in some respect, even though they contradict one another.

But...

Here's an angle I haven't seen anybody else take, so I'm just gonna throw it out there: Have you considered that your friend is better qualified than you, and that's the reason she got the job?

I know that sounds mean; but I really don't intend it that way. What I intend by interjecting that line of reasoning is to get you to engage in a little introspection, something people in general fail to do enough of. Would you really want the job knowing your friend is better qualified than you? If you answer, "Yes!", are you comfortable with what that says about you?

The other side of that 'coin' would be the honest self-evaluation: "I am better qualified" or "We are equally qualified for the position". Then why did they hire her, not you? Did they just like her better than you? If so, maybe you could take a workshop in interviewing techniques and 'dressing for success'. (NB: Your local unemployment office would be a good point of contact on locating a day or evening class. Seriously, that's not a joke.)

I understand your emotional reaction to this situation. But I think you're in danger of losing a valuable personal growth opportunity if you don't spend at least some time examining your professional shortcomings, and then taking action to rectify them...

...And forgive your friend. Life is both too short and too long to throw away meaningful relationships over something this insignificant in the grand scheme of things. If you're honest with yourself (as outlined above), you know in your heart that if you were the superior candidate you'd have gotten the position.

Sympathetically,

zoid

P.S.
...Unless your friend's really hot, and that's the only reason she got the job over you. In which case, you (and possibly the interviewer) got well and truly humped. In that instance, you might take a workshop in Kama Sutra, preparatory to your next interview...

_________________________________________________

"I aim to misbehave." -Capt. Mal Reynolds, Serenity, a.k.a. 'the BDBOF'

"Eatin' ain't cheatin'..." - President Bill Clinton, paraphrased, to the Court of Impeachment

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 5:39 AM

SHINYTRINKET

Thank you, Zoid--here's a bit more background...
When my friend and I worked together before she performed a very different role in the business than I did. She performed a more technically-advanced but very specific job, while I was an overall "jack of all trades", if you will, employee that handled a multitude of tasks. What I THOUGHT I was applying for at the new business what a position similar to what I had before, where I would handle the day-to-day stuff, clients, scheduling, administrative stuff, etc. While I consider her very well (much better, actually) qualified for a different role in the business, I feel I am more well-rounded for the position I interpreted this as being. And it's not just my interpretation, it's what was advertised and what I discussed with the employer in the interview. I guess this just blindsided me, is all. I don't consider either of us more qualified, just differently qualified, and I thought "my" set of qualifications is what they were looking for.

Also, about the hotness thing...we're both in our forties and not worried about puttin' that out there, so I don't think that was the issue...especially since the interviewer was a married woman. Never know, though.

The workshop in Kama Sutra still might not be a bad idea

*************************************************
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a good gorramn!

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 5:49 AM

SHINYTRINKET

THANK YOU all for your opinions and understanding. Now if I can only learn to be as understanding about the whole thing I'll be in good shape!

*************************************************
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a good gorramn!

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 5:58 AM

ZOID

ShinyTrinket replied, in part:

Quote:
...She performed a more technically-advanced but very specific job, while I was an overall "jack of all trades", if you will, employee that handled a multitude of tasks...

Would I be correct to assume that she's maybe got a secondary education degree or vocational certification in this field, and that you do not?

It hardly seems fair, but it is a fact of business-life that those with 'skins' get preferentially hired and advance more quickly than those who do not. Luckily -- if this even describes your situation, and I'm just guessing here -- lack of specialized education or certified skills is a weakness that can be alleviated, if one wants to badly enough...

If the above 'guesstimate' is not in fact the case, then we're back at interviewing skills and wearing the right sort of clothes (and makeup, for ladies) to the interview. That calls for some structured learnin' on your part, and some third-party evaluation from a consultant who's got real-world expertise in those subjects, as they apply to successful interviewing. In other words, a business-oriented makeover, not one from the Almay counter at Macy's...

You'd be surprised what wearing the right clothes, displaying the right body language, and answering the interviewer's questions just right can mean in the pursuit of landing the job you really want...

Encouragingly,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"I aim to misbehave." -Capt. Mal Reynolds, Serenity, a.k.a. 'the BDBOF'

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 6:00 AM

AGATSU

Did she ASK you if it was okay to apply as well? That's the least she could have done.

The Serenity Summer Campaign is on, baby - prepare to kick some serious pigu!
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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 6:11 AM

JONNYQUEST

"Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?"

Wow. As always we've run a gamut of responses. Which is good in that it is important to consider as many paths as possible, bad in that it may in fact make it harder to sort everything out in the end because it all makes sense in parts: what is the right thing to do?

What to do and what to feel are two very different things. What to do is figure out how you will treat your friend from here on out. You may not be able to come to this conclusion until after you've spoken to her about it. Did she tell you she was going to apply too, ask you if it was okay with you? (I don't subscribe the dating a friend's ex is wrong theory myself. It may not work out in the end, but if it was over, it's over. No foul. No intended injury to the friend. It's just freedom of choice. I don't think the analogy applies here, since you are both courting the same boyfriend at the same time; nobody has the ability to steal anything yet since it doesn't belong to anyone yet.) If you find out trying to pull the rug out from under you, re-evaluate the friendship. How good a friend was she before this incident?

Regarding the feelings part of this, I can only share my own experience. I had over the years worked my way up in the department, from peon to supervisor to manager, yadda, yadda. There was an enormous amount of restructuring going on as a result of a complete change-over in the computing system. In the midst of all the turbulence, I came up short in my ability to manage everything and my superiors came up short in supporting my efforts. Enter my replacement. She had over the years worked her way up as well. Among her accomplishments she had successfully merged different areas not once, but twice before. She was a natural. And she succeeded where I failed. Able to deal not only with the work, but with the superiors AND the subordinates until the operation actually exceeded all expectations; she actually took on even more areas than I was originally responsible for. I became depressed about myself and resentful toward my replacement, even bitter.

Is you friend more qualified? I don't know. I say it doesn't matter. I told the above story to point out that if your friendship is true, by all means please get mad, be hurt, cry and stomp and punch you pillows until they bleed feathers. But DO NOT sell yourself short and DO NOT be overcome with bitterness. It will eat you up from the inside out in a way that Reavers would envy. It isn't worth it.

Oh, yes, my replacement was my wife.

P.S. About your signature. I think you do give a good gorram. Might want to see to that.

Well, here I am.

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 6:14 AM

DONCOAT

Note to self in the future: when I apply for a job I really want, don't tell my similarly-qualified friends about it until *after* the hiring decision is made.

Okay, I agree that in Seinfeld-land, she broke the friend code and that's bad. In the real world, though, I'd advise you to try and get past it, as others have suggested.

Remember, there are things you don't know... like, how many people applied for the job, and whether you were even the second choice. It's entirely possible that you wouldn't have gotten the job even if she hadn't applied. For example, that particular manager may have a strong preference for hiring people who are currently employed over those who have no job. (Not saying that's good practice, but it may well be a factor.)

In any case, please try not to let it rankle. For all you know, an even better job will pop up any day now, and you'd have missed it if you'd gotten this one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm pointin' right at it!

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 6:29 AM

LOSTDOG

That does sound like a messed up situation. I can totally empathize with your job search problems. I have been looking for about two full months now and have applied to about sixty jobs and guess what. No luck. I mean, technology is a very good thing, but no one wants to meet anybody anymore. They judge you by a piece of paper. You spend hours writing cover letters and send your resume and nothing happens. I am much better at talking with people than e-mailing and posting resumes, but it seems those days are over. Also, if you don't have a connection somewhere it is like too f*****g bad. But back to your problem. I think Z had it right. Evaluate your friendship because in the long run, that is more important. Though, I can see how it would be hard. You want to be happy for them, but at the same time you feel betrayed. Even though I don't really believe in fate or coincidence, I do believe that if you keep trying, something good will happen for you. So keep trying to find that job(as will I), and just do what you think is right. So sorry for your troubles.

"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 8:21 AM

SHINY

Quote:
Originally posted by DonCoat:
Remember, there are things you don't know... like, how many people applied for the job, and whether you were even the second choice. It's entirely possible that you wouldn't have gotten the job even if she hadn't applied. For example, that particular manager may have a strong preference for hiring people who are currently employed over those who have no job. (Not saying that's good practice, but it may well be a factor.)

Although I agree with those saying a friend who is employed probably shouldn't enter into a competitive hiring situation with the unemployed friend who told her about the opening in the first place, DonCoat makes a great point. Wouldn't you rather your friend got the job than a stranger?

---

I don't need a gorram back-spaceship driver!!!

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 8:30 AM

SHINYTRINKET

I would feel bad about not getting hired, but it would be a lot easier to move on if I wasn't constantly being reminded of the situation every time I'm with the person involved.

And no, she did NOT do this to undermine me, it just happened and it triggered some bad feelings in me. I think I like what I'm learning about myself a lot less than I like the rest of the situation at this point.

But, again, thank all of you for your input.

*************************************************
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a good gorramn!

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 8:34 AM

SHINYTRINKET

Quote:
Originally posted by DonCoat:
Note to self in the future: when I apply for a job I really want, don't tell my similarly-qualified friends about it until *after* the hiring decision is made.

Amen!

Quote:
Remember, there are things you don't know... like, how many people applied for the job, and whether you were even the second choice. It's entirely possible that you wouldn't have gotten the job even if she hadn't applied. For example, that particular manager may have a strong preference for hiring people who are currently employed over those who have no job. (Not saying that's good practice, but it may well be a factor.)

When I interviewed last week, the manager told me out of many people who had applied, I was one of fourthat she actually interviewed, and that she was done interviewing and just had to make a decision...

Quote:
In any case, please try not to let it rankle. For all you know, an even better job will pop up any day now, and you'd have missed it if you'd gotten this one.

Yup, I'm trying to concentrate on that!

*************************************************
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a good gorramn!

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 8:42 AM

AGENTROUKA

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that, and you're probably sick of getting opinions by now, but let me add mine, anyway. *g*

These feelings of resentment are natural and normal. Human beings are irrational, after all. There's no reason to expect yourself to feel 100% noble right away and all the time, so don't beat up yourself too much.

What's important is not acting on those irrational feelings, and from what you say, there is no danger of it. Your friendship is obviously more important to you than that.

Time will help with the rest, no worries. :)

Also: Next time you're applying for a great job, either don't tell your friends, or ask them not to apply as well, to avoid issues like this one. ;)

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