Random Stuff by fredgiblet

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Random Stuff

POSTED BY: FREDGIBLET
UPDATED: Thursday, May 27, 2010 11:50
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Monday, September 4, 2006 7:08 PM

I had a file with all this stuff on my computer, I don't remember where I got it but a lot of it pretty cool and\or funny. It's really long so it may take a while to get through it all.

WARNING!!! This contains a variety of things that can and will offend various people, read at your own risk. The views expressed in this post do not neccessarily represent the views of the poster, in other words don't flame me if you get pissed at something, find and flame the person who wrote it.

EDIT:'Nother WARNING, profanity is present in this post, once again read at your own risk.

Love is hell and god in one.

Today is only yesterday's tomorrow.

"Low self esteem: the leading cause of relationships gone bad"

My favorite weapon is the look in your eyes -- Ministry

I don't feel like our relationship ended, I feel like it truncated.

Sex is easier to give up than smoking.

Apology - the only way of having the last word with a woman.

Send more Cong! Send more Cong! -- The Phantom Blooper

I'd rather sweat 24 hours than shiver 5 minutes -- Xantha, 7/22/91

Rights are what you can get away with.

I don't have an overactive imagination, I have an underactive reality.

Help! I've tripped and I can't get down!

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% mortality rate

"This is the most exciting piece of excrement I've ever seen."

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.

By the time a man reads women like books he's too old to collect a library.

Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic.

"You've never seen anything until you've seen a Valkyrie go down"

Sex is the invention of a clever venereal disease.

Being tied up and screwed silly does wonders for one's perspective - Z, 3/92

Milli-helen: the amount of beauty necessary to launch one ship.

Instant gratification takes too long.

The wages of sin depend upon what union you belong to.

Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.

Life is either boring or miserable. Just decide which is worse. -- Voltaire

"I hate quotations" -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Will Rogers never met a Mongol.

Vidi, vici, veni, veni oooh aahhh ummm ohhh veni. Aahh.

I don't give a damn about apathy.

How far can you open your mind before your brain falls out?

Men forget but never forgive. Women forgive but never forget.

By the time you realize what love can do, the damage has already been done.

Jesus died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the problem is with reality.

He who lives by the sword laughs last.

First you burn, *then* you rape. It's so much more romantic by firelight.

Marriage? Sorry, I can't mate in captivity.

To know death, you must fuck life. In the gall-bladder. -- Andy Warhole's Frankenstein

It only hurts when I think.

If you love something, set if free. If it comes back, it's dependent on you.

Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who don't.

If I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails.

That which does not kill me had better be able to run damned fast.

"Don't torture yourself, that's what friends are for" -- found on a.s.b

"You're a bastard, Therion. You'll never be alone for long" -- Xantha, 1/23/93

"Why don't you ever date normal women?" -- my mom, repeatedly.

Admit nothing. Blame everyone. Be bitter. -- someone on alt.angst

The Earth is our Mother. But who wants to live with your mother all your life?

Hail Eris, full of grace. Won't you sit upon my face? -- discordian poem.

Do not panic. Think only of yourself -- Hawkwind

Being human is a contact sport.

The sword of truth is just another weapon.

Evil I did dwell; lewd did I live - (almost a palindrome)

Demons, man, demons! Who needs chicks when you got demons? -- Gate II

How'd you like to bite *her* on the ass, get lockjaw, and be dragged to death?

My reality check just bounced.

If Florentine is two weapons, is Venetian blind fighting? -- rec.org.sca

I don't care who the king is, I can always stay drunk for six months.

We don't bleed in your pool, so please don't swim in our blood.

Paranoia is obsolete. It's ALL true.

Only users lose drugs.

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep past noon.

The floggings will continue until morale improves.

Do I believe in the Bible? Hell yes - I've even seen one!

When reason fails, force prevails.

"and it's not like it was a huge deal, like deflowering a virgin ..."

A woman you fuck might forget, a woman you fuck in the ass never forgets - Story of O, pt.2

If you think my room is messy, you should see my sex life.

If you remember the sixties, you must not have inhaled.

Some people flirt with disaster. I actually dated her.

My cats may crap on the carpet sometimes, but they never crap on me.

Want to read a good horror story? Open any history book.

I like Christians. But then, I was a lion in a past life.

"Loving puts us on our knees, serving as though we were slaves"--Episcopal hymn

Marriage is grounds for divorce.

"My parents were assimilated by the Borg and all I got was this lousy implant"

wench: what you use to turn the head of a dolt.

An ounce of pretention is worth a pound of manure.

I have only one thing to say about Platonic relationships - Fuck Plato!

How can you be "more than happy?" Sounds like a dangerous mental condition.

The American Dream (tm) is just another pyramid scheme.

Sometimes it's really hard to tell sloth from decadence.

Not every thorn has a rose.

"Sex without pain is like food without taste"-- M. de Sade

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Youth is wasted on the young.

It's not true that I think with my dick. But I do go to it a lot for advice.

Your relationship isn't over until you stop keeping track of how long it's been over.

Try to avoid situations where you are forced to drink your own urine.

Near death experience? Hell, I'm still waiting to have a near life experience.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

I don't know what I want and most of the time it hurts.

If it's tourist season, why can't we hunt them?

Nostalgia is a grammatical construct wherein you find the present tense and the past perfect.

Kill two birds with one stone: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

Long distance relationships are like playing russian roulette with five loaded chambers.

I used to think that I was indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Withdrawing in disgust is not the same as apathy.

Art imitates life ... and sometimes life really sucks.

The person who cares the least about the relationship controls it.

"I've always loved the false image I had of you."

The parade of clueless people never ends.

If you *really* loved me, you'd allow me to manipulate you.

Well, I do care, and I don't care if I shouldn't care.

Broken promises never get me upset. I just think: "Why did they believe me?"

No matter how much you beat a dead horse, it will never rise to the occasion.

Love is transient; sex is situational; happiness is a contrast; that which is good today is meaningless tomorrow.

I can multitask. I can be miserable about MANY THINGS AT ONCE.

Fun fact of the day: Production of excrement by total human population of the U.S. - 12,000 pounds/second.

"I wanna hold your hand" -- The Beatles. "I wanna fuck you like an animal" -- Nine Inch Nails. 30 years of rock 'n roll evolution.

This is probably why it's harder to make new friends or get a date while one is angsting -- you're looking to offload mental radioactive waste, and the typical person's reaction is: "Not in my backyard!"

Life sucks, but death swallows.

"I wanna be an alt.angst ranger, I wanna slash at total strangers" -- Seth Sher

"Life is a virgin, a bitch is too easy" -- Mordraut

"Even a lie can feel like heaven, until your mind lets your heart in on the joke" -- Melia Hughes

"I'm thinking about giving my ex-girlfriend a call tonight. It depends which comes up first - my Warrior Spirit or my Dinner" -- me, 5/7/95

You are living in a world where lemonade is made from artificial ingredients and furniture polish is made with real lemons. Start worrying ...

Therion's theorem: When faced with a choice between two or more women, you will always choose the one who will make you the most miserable in the long run.

Librarians are the secret masters of the universe. They control information. Don't ever piss one off. -- Spider Robinson

i'm surrounded by gorgeous women, i'm really intelligent, i know how to do fancy things on computers and everyone worships me I'M SURROUNDED BY GORGEOUS WOMEN, I'M REALLY INTELLIGENT, I KNOW HOW TO DO FANCY THINGS ON COMPUTERS AND EVERYONE WORSHIPS ME -- d.j.heald

intimacies come and go, so the only constant thing in life is that there will be love unrequited and bitterness and pain -- nymph@syrinx

Alt.angst is the equivocal net effect of Walt Disney setting loose his creation on Vietnam.

The gods' revenge on those who lack respect for authority is to make them authorities themselves.

A cultural anthropologist is a scientist trained to observe that every society is a little bid mad, including his own. He holds his job by never mentioning this fact explicitly.

"It's life. Everyone gets used to it, or else doesn't, and everyone dies whether or not they get used to it." -- henri ennui

There is no despair so deep that it cannot be overcome with a fifth of Chivas and a blonde in leather.

He who lives by the sword would not want to die any other way.

vivivi : the Editor of the Beast

one in the hand is worth two in kate bush -- london grafitti

"Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples, for I am sick of love." -- Solomon 2:5

It's also been my observation that most decent cynics are annoyed by the cynicism of others and eventually their own, which creates self- perpetuating cynicism without needing troublesome things to even happen anymore. -- ad423@freenet

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're probably broke. -- Dyke Beth

"There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." --J.S. Anderson

Relationships should start with the Miranda warning ... anything you say CAN and WILL be used against you. -- DLH 8/1/95

"If all you are looking for is a fuck, then fuck. If you're looking for love, then love. It's pretty difficult to find the latter while doing too much of the former. People tend not to take you seriously." -- saarela@umich

"The whole conviction of my life rests upon the belief that lonliness, far from being a rare & curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself & to a few other solitary men, is the central & inevitable fact of human existence." -- Thomas Wolfe

"I need to go find out if I have a friend or a lawyer. Right now, I need a lawyer." -- Hannah, 8/17/95

Hysteria is a chaotic and irrational emotional state caused by seeing how the world really operates.

Aint dem Girl Cooties just, like yucky? -- TheDavid

Modern society is in certain respects extremely permissive ... We can do anything we like as long at it is UNIMPORTANT -- The Unabomber

Intellectual passions are more bewitching than love affairs, which is why they last longer. A man can adore a woman until she changes or grows surly, but he can be madly infatuated with a Theory all his life. -- Sigismundo Balsamo

The worst that can happen under monarchy is rule by a single imbecile, but democracy often means the rule by assembly of three or four hundred imbeciles.

"If it's possible to be born a cynic and a romantic at the same time, then I guess I'm it. The only fantasy I have, really, is true love. But if there's one thing I've learned in all my peregrinations, it's that you don't find it by looking for it or by dreaming about it. You just take care of business and if it comes by and says hello, you don't weigh pros and cons. You just ante up and lay the cards down." -- Arkady O'Toole

"Big head meet little head, little head, big head. Now, little head, as much you might resent it - big head is going to do the thinking from now on. Now, now, now . . . don't droop & pout. It has to be this way or life is going to assume new, huge proportions of suckitude." -- DJF

Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will remain the same.

"I had learned to take tears as a warning sign of an involvement no longer beneficial to my lifestyle" -- the Sandtiger

If you can buy it at the mall, it ain't "counterculture!"

Statistics say that 23% of all women are battered. And here I've been eating them plain all this time .....

Sure I'm happy to be alive. I'm just not very happy about being awake!

"If I can't have what I *really* want in life... I can usually keep the more severe side-effects at bay by finding some new something to keep me entertained 'til it passes." -- fburke

The only thing required for a Beatle's reunion is a minimum of three bullets.

"The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?"

"If I am holier than thou, it's because you annoy the hell out of me." -- Loopy

The next person who tells me they've seen God had better bring Him to me in a cage.

"In the beginning there was darkness, and the darkness was without form, and void. And Gates said "Let There Be Light", and there was a General Protection Fault."

"You wouldn't know common sense if it crawled in your nostrils and bred with your boogers." -- theDavid

You should know that a truly "open mind" allows the first damn-fool idea that comes along to wander in and take over the joint.

Global village syndrome--a new technology for freak shows. On a larger scale than ever.

Women play at sex for love while men play at love for sex.

"Valentine's day just looks bad to those who don't have one. I'll let you in on a big secret...its the one day when people in miserable relationships can be smug and pretend to the world...they really have so very little that I gladly give them this day to parade themselves" -- spudski

You live in a society where your only role is to consume. All the decisions have been made; no input is required from anyone. (Democracy! Democracy my ASS! Everywhere you look you will see people DOING WHAT THEY ARE TOLD OR ELSE BEING DESTROYED.) Just buy the products, honey, and if you can't afford it, then hate yourself as an example to the others. -- Tom Price TOM PRICE

When "Final Exit" was on the bestsellers list I looked for it at Borders and couldn't find it on the shelves. So, I asked a waif of a salesgirl about its location. She replied to the fact that they were sold out.. at which I grabbed the edge of the counter and twisted my face into a contortions of pain and said "I NEED IT NOW!!!" That freaked her out.. hahaha.. I said: "Just joking" -- Faustus

The internet interprets censorship as damage and routes around it -- John Gilmore

You get older, and style usually goes out the window, it's not worth risking it all for style. If I'm fighting for my life out on the battlefield of love, I've hardly got the time to adjust the feather plume on my helmet. -- bug@berkeley

65% of all Americans believe that frozen pizza will never be any good and there's nothing science can do about it. -- TV Nation Poll

so-called 'IQ' scores do not measure intelligence, but a specific kind of stupidty which is, for whatever demented cultural reasons, called 'intelligence,' but which more resembles the dancing of a particularly well- trained monkey. -- henri ennui

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds' great literary works in Braille.

To those who opt for adoption, crying, "If you don't want your child, we do!" one must quickly retort, "By what plea of insanity, having forsaken the sorry role of parent to this misbegotten, would I entrust its cursed existence to a gaggle of demented christian hoods? I'd rather feed my newborn directly to ravenous lions than expose it to the lunatic hypocrisy of you foul goons!" -- Church of Euthanasia

Hey Santa! How much for your list of naughty little girls?

It's gotten so that I can't watch love scenes in movies anymore without biting my nails and trying to anticipate what childhood dysfunctions the characters will spring on one another as soon as they finish their cigarettes. Intercourse is not sex, it is a raffle ticket and the prize is other people's deep-seated problems. So many winners! -- Tom Price

He who dies with the most information wins.

"I felt a kind of forlorn sense of being lost in a world of incredibly stupid and malicious dwarfs." -- Aleister Crowley

They can test my urine when they pry my penis from my cold, dead fingers.

"no one is going to let me fall too far because i've got safety nets all over the place, so i hear. a safety net is someone who loves you enough for a small self sacrifice of integrity." -- sofi

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

"Conjuring up the image of children in danger is the trademark of a demagogue. Anti-Semitism was whipped up in Europe on the notion that Jews were molesting and drinking the blood of Christian children. The witch-trials of Salem were drummed up in response to the notion that children were in danger from witches. Prohibition was enacted because propagandists claimed drunks were going home to abuse their children. We launched ourselves into WWI, bolstered by (false) propaganda that the Germans were murdering children in Brussels. The continuation of a money-making (but failed) War on Drugs is done in the name of protecting the children. The raid on the Branch Davidians was polished off as an attempt to "save the children", in spite of the fact that the children all ended up dead as a result. Attempts to impose censorship on the internet for political security (and as a means of allowing Big Brother to watch us closer) are done in the name of "protecting children" from the material to be found here. Recent Congressional/Executive stripping of the the Bill of Rights and the Posse Comitatus Act (preventing the use of the military against US citzens) were bolstered by constantly exploiting the tragedy of the daycare-center children at OKC. You will have to excuse me when I look a little askance at wailed calls for persecution punctuated by "Do it for the CHILDREN!". The playing on such instinctual fears has built too many police-states." -- Mr. Scratch

First they came for the hackers. But I never did anything illegal with my computer, so I didn't speak up. Then they came for the pornographers. But I thought there was too much smut on the Internet anyway, so I didn't speak up. Then they came for the anonymous remailers. But a lot of nasty stuff gets sent from anon.penet.fi, so I didn't speak up. Then they came for the encryption users. But I could never figure out how to work PGP anyway, so I didn't speak up. Then they came for me. And by that time there was no one left to speak up. -- unknown

Therion's rule of television: Never watch anything with a laugh track.

Therion's rule of snack food: Remove 1 item from the container. Hold it up against the ingredients list. If the ingredients list is larger than the food item, it's probably not good for you.

Please die for your own sins; don't make someone else do it. -- DGollub

Marriage won't guarantee you an ally in your old age. You stand up and say "til death do us part" then fifteen years down the line you get your reset button kicked and it's back to square one. Except with fewer friends and more cynicism. -- (somebody on alt.angst)

"there is a difference between "defending" and recognizing the power of the structure in which we all play a part, its inherent resistance to change, and the frustration that comes from being "one voice" after a while" -- D.S. Cunningham

Modern '90s women don't want to be rescued by knights in shining armor- they just want to sue their horses out from under them. -- warlock

My point is that desperate attractions to fucked-up people spring from a desire for them to hurt you, just like the bad baby deserves. I don't even consider that type of attraction love. Why do you? -- Sekhmet

"There's no problem out there that can't be solved by the application of either psychoactive drugs or large caliber ammunition" -- anonymous sysadmin

I would not, could not SAVE ON PHONE.
I would not, could not BUY YOUR LOAN.
I would not, could not MAKE MONEY FAST.
I would not, could not SEND NO CA$H.
I would not, could not SEE YOUR SITE.
I would not, could not EAT VEG-I-MITE.
I do_not_like GREEN CARDS AND SPAM!

"How easy is it for a man who cannot fight to choose the peacefull solution? It is the ONLY solution he has! He is not being good, because he has no choice. In other words, in order to chose not to do something, you must first be able to do that thing. Do you know how many people I have seen talking about spiritual improvement and the "non-violent" way out, only to scream "kick his ass!" when a situation arises and then to run away and hide when that person came to kick their ass? Those people were not martial artists. They did not have the ability to destroy, and therefore had no choice when it came to the question, "Violence or Peace?" -- Mike on IAIDO-L

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

"For you it might be start of a beautiful relationship, for her it might be a drunken shag. It's just a risk you have to take." -- Nuala

"The only evidence against evolution are its opponents"

"A loving relationship is only a short term cruel joke waiting to deliver the punch line at the worst possible moment." -- Smoochless

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

"...there will be no rest in sysadmin land until the last luser is hanged with the guts of the last salesdroid." -- Eric Sorenson

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

"Words" is just an anagram for "Swords"

I love the image of solitude, it's the reality of it that bums me out. -- Patrick Vest

i believe in the glorious inevitability of sensible and supposedly adult situations turning horribly ugly. -- Rich Bown

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets -- Neens

"It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion. It is by the coffee that the thoughts acquire speed, the teeth aquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion..."

If you're not living on the razor's edge, you're taking up too much space.

"I look forward to completing your training. In time you will learn to call me master." -- Return of the Jedi

"Whoever is content with solitude is either a wild beast or a god." -- Sir Francis Bacon

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce

the lie of romance: that after you have achieved True Love you have -succeeded- and it's okay to relaaaaxx just relaaaaxx and stop thinking. -- Layo

"Would I do it again? Hell no. I learned. I learned the hard way. I'd rather have no heart than have one that sends me into hopeless situations." -- Paul Callahan

Why "work" on your relationships, when they can be counted on to work on you, relentlessly? -- Jeff Skinner

Dont forget that for every woman out there that you want to sleep with there probably is at least one guy who's been there, done that, and thinks she's a raving bitch.

Relationship-speak translation: "I think we should see other people" really means "Ha, ha, I already am!" -- quoted by j.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges did not live there?

"I like my women the way I like my coffee. Stuffed in a sack and tied to the back of a mule" -- J. Valdez

"But love was blind, they said, love was crazy - love didn't have any heart, so it ripped out your own" -- Joan D. Vinge

"The universe is not just. Bad things happen to people. Niezsche was full of shit; that which does not kill us can leave us crippled, dysfunctional and ruined for life." - hbm, 8/21/97

"Grocery shopping is something you're going to have to do for the rest of your life" -- xantha, 10/8/97

"Always walk a mile in another man's shoes before you criticize him. That way, you're a mile away and you have his shoes." -- Anonymous

"Loneliness and sex are powerful tools if you know how to use them" -- a.a.Violet

Violence and money both cure angst -- Layo

Cupid only carries a bow and arrow because an uzi sets off the metal detector. -- flamingo_1

Oh well. If I'm going to sell out, I might as well get a fair price. - K. Rolfes

Build a man a fire, and he is warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.

"It is good to know that with the creation of Ritalin, the world will never again be troubled by the likes of another Mozart." -- Charles Budreau

"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know'." --Kenneth Starr, 1987, 'Sixty Minutes' interview with Dianne Sawyer.

When guns are outlawed, only guys like me will have guns.

"Occasionally someone will ask me why I'm unhappy, and that strikes me as such an absurd question. Why is the fucking sky blue? I don't understand how it could be otherwise. Unfulfillment is just a given for me. The world is so full of pain and ugliness and confusion and so devoid of anything beautiful or meaningful that to be happy almost seems sick to me." -- dharmapimp

"si tu posse legere hic tu in regula ordinare" -- If you can read this you are in cannon range.

"I have about as much in common with the CEO of a Fortune 500 company as I have with my cat. It's not logical to say that I, as a man, run the world based on the fact that total strangers with similar chromosomes have excellent jobs. Yet that is exactly what many people believe." -- Scott Adams

We're born insentient, and fully develop emotional sensitivities in adolscence. From then on, life is a progressively numbing process as each setback chips away at our optimism, faith, and hope. Then we die. -- alt.angst

I am in my thirties, I don't experience the "extremes of emotions" I did up until my mid-twenties, but it's not due to a "progressive numbing process." Rather I'm a lot better at quickly weeding out people who would love to jerk me around and giving them the swift exit out of my life that they so richly deserve, therefore they never get a chance to give me those "extremes of emotions" you're talking about. -- alt.angst reply

The juvenile sea squirt meanders about the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and to make its home for life. For this task, the squirt has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain any more, so it eats it. It's kinda like a college professor getting tenure.

Reality is what surprises you right after you've decided that you can have things just as you want them.

Great Usenet flame: "Posters like you are why I wish computers came with a "bitchslap" key."

I don't NEED your love. I've got my BANDAGES to keep me warm. -- theDavid

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory -- Abraham Lincoln

"My favourite word is existentialism. I don't know what it means, but it sounds good and I try to use it as often as possible." - Spice Grrl Geri Halliwell

"Usenet: fantasy mirror or rhetorical question?"

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in seven states.

Most people figure it's time to vacuum when they see cat hairs on the rug. *I* knew it was time to vacuum when lint and and strange fuzzy stuff was coming out of the carpet and sticking to the *cat*. -- ChrisAB on rec.org.sca

I tried smoking hash once, but the corned beef kept falling out.

"I've been pulling a limp white thing out of my pants for years, I just never got cheered for it before" - Mick Foley : WWF TV

"Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation" -- uncommonly wise fortune cookie

The meek will inherit the Earth only when the last warrior leaves it to them in his will.

The consent of the exploited doesn't make it right, just pathetic.

"I refuse to have the ideals I try to maintain lowered by mere reality." -- Gunthar

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they give in.

"I had a message from God / mad hallucination (I love to credit both simultaneously) about eight days ago. It said that in the next week I would meet someone who would change my life. Now I am in the odd position of knowing that my life has changed but I have no idea which of the week's experiences was the deeply significant one." -- Dav Heald

"Sex is like beer, easy to come by, and easy to get sick over." -- matisse

"I used to be a Liberal. Now I'm just socially liberal (small-L), fiscally conservative (small-C), and with a strong streak of libertarianism (again, small-L). And I bet I'm not alone." -- Dennis O'Connor

"I might be hopeless, but i am far from a romantic" -- Cokazz

"No, I don't believe in love at first sight because love is an evil plot to make people buy alcohol and firearms." -- Kip Kinkel

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein

"Although I don't dress like Satan any more, I am still down with the Devil and I will go medieval on your ass." -- The Undertaker

What's the best joke to play on a paranoid person? No joke at all. -- Y2K

"Never, ever, fuck with an antiques dealer!" -- Dracula 2000

Bumper sticker on my car: "Everything I know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains"

I have no intention of ever getting into a bastard sword duel in my street clothes. -- Vitus

Real men don't play golf. Real men beat the shit out of people who play golf. -- Cliff Yablonski

If you're not a liberal at 20, you have no heart. If you're still a liberal at 40, you have no brain.

"When you're wounded and left on Afghanistan's plains,
And the women come out to cut up what remains,
Just roll to your rifle and blow out your brains
And go to your God like a soldier." --Rudyard Kipling

"one of the most liberating and the most terrifying things I ever learned was the amount of control I have over my feelings. Liberating because I realized I could do something about my various neuroses, and terrifying because I had an obligation to do something about them." -- Siobhan G.

"If there is no light at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bugger yourself."

"When guns are outlawed, my sword collection will make me feel a LOT more secure!" -- Conogre

It is not speeding if there are still cars in front of you.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

I used to take life with a grain of salt. Now it's with 5 milligrams of Valium.

Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.

Bumper sticker: "Have you helped a jihadi reach Paradise today?"

"Ego sincerus haurio tu is domesticum et bullas tuus psoleos in ardes causticos" -- (I highly recommend you go home and boil your dick in lavoris)

Last sentence before death: 'don't worry, it's solid!'

"I am drinking Bud Light right now which contains the drug alcohol. Am I supporting terrorism or a Super Bowl Sponsor? " -- Grutman

Am I the only one who finds it unusual that bags of kitty litter contain free cat food samples?

"We believe that this is the first time the existence of fossil vomit on a grand scale has been proven beyond reasonable doubt".

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Frank Sinatra

"Made in God's own image" is reason enough to be an atheist.

[Mark Henry is] a big giant ball of boredom wrapped in apathy and dipped in suck -- spf2119.

"This armor is a pretty good recreation of the kind of armor that a 16th century knight might wear when pretending to be an Arthurian knight and hitting other knights and squires with wooden sticks." -- Sir Fern

I have a message to all "Juggalos": You worship white rappers who dress like Bozo. -- Chris Hyatte

The dungeons feature "intense" and "atmospheric" sounds like "water dripping" and a sound that resemble a cross between a bubble popping and a cat heaving up vomit. If you are one of the bold souls who is looking to explore a fence-walled dungeon blacker than a trillion midnights and with the ambient sound of a sick cat infested waterworks, then this game has the right package for you! -- review of online game Blade Mistress

The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in time of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality. - Dante Aligerhi

concerning the 2002 election results: "Clearly America is far more intolerant, stupid, ignorant and daft than anyone gave it credit for." -- Goatman264

"It is the soldier, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate. It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag." -- Father Dennis Edward O'Brien, Sergeant, USMC

the difference between men and women... a woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Can you imagine working at the following Company? This company has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
Can you guess which organization this is?
It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. (circa 1999)

"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national emergency. Always there has been some terrible evil at home or some monstrous foreign power that was going to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant funds demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real." -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957

Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Guns just help. A lot.

Vegetarian - ancient NorthWest Indian word meaning "Bad Hunter"

"If the Gods could build me a ladder to the heavens, I'd climb up the ladder and drop a big elbow on the world." -- Cactus Jack

I couldn't care less about lesbians at this point in my life - it's all "been there done that". The thrill is gone as far as watching two women pantomime supposed lust for each other, even if their intentions are actually Sapphic. Outside of maybe a porno flick all this "lesbian chic" that has found it's way into modern society is just boring ... the whole thing is just one big pile of manure masquerading itself as "hip", and all bets were off for any kind of lesbian thrill after Hollywood got involved. -- Flea

There's only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences. -- P.J. O'Rourke

Coffee with out the caffeine is like sex without the spanking -- Patin Windward

Maxim is for men too insecure to admit they like looking at naked women, and too pansy to go out and purchase an actual porno mag. -- Zen_Monkey

Armourers seem to suffer mostly from depression, lack of motivation and tend to be loners. Every armourer I know or know of seems to have a bit of it. Some are able to overcome their handicap and make a living; others try and just dig embarrassing holes for themselves and are publicly vilified for their inability to meet an obligation. -- Gwen

I don't mind liberals. Mimes, on the other hand, should be hunted for sport and adventure. -- Anti_freak_machine

Remember back when self-mutilation was considered a sign of dementia, not a fashion statement?

We SHELL not EXXONerate Saddam Hussein. We will MOBILize to meet his threat to vital interests in the Persian GULF until an AMOCOable solution is reached. Our best strategy is to BPrepared.

"To come up with this design, I deduce that the "weaponsmith" must have been a test ape in the CIA's psychological warfare programme of the 1960s, who was forced into retirement due to over-exposure to LSD, barbiturates and Pat Boone records. For the desired creative effect, they subsequently pulled him out of retirement, forced a lit crackpipe up his rear entry and sent him to to watch re-runs of David Lynch's "Eraserhead" beneath a strobe light, while blasting Frank Zappa's "The Radio is Broken" on a continuous loop tape at 150db. Only this way could such a ground-breaking concept have been born." -- Bob Brooks

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. This is also sometimes known as a "tactical retreat"

If a two-headed alien from Neptune sneaks into my bedroom tonight and starts fondling my balls, I'm still going to tell people that watching Photon was the most interesting experience I've had this week. -- Matt @ x-entertainment

In case you didn't know, the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky. Anyplace else they would've named it the "teethbrush". -- Bobby Heenan

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind. -- Jed Babbin

"Naturally, the common people don't want war...but after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along. Whether it is a democracy, or a facist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country." -- Hermann Goering @ the Nuremberg Trials, 1946

During my eighty-seven years I have witnessed a whole succession of technological revolutions. But none of them has done away with the need for character in the individual or the ability to think. -- Bernard M. Baruch

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." -- Theodore Roosevelt, 26th US President (1858-1919)

Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power was a process known to the ancients ... It's called "rain"

"The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!" -- Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf (former Iraqi Information Minister, currently unemployed)

"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait." -- (ditto)

"Is minic a gheibhean beal oscailt diog dunta" - An open mouth often catches a closed fist

"According to reports out of Pittsburgh today, a woman stalking Kurt Angle and claiming to be carrying his child has been put behind bars. Pittsburgh police released a statement stating that they hope to send a strong message that anyone contributing in any way to WWE wrestlers reproducing will be dealt with swiftly and severely." -- NoSoul 5/3/03

Donald Rumsfield is a big fat idiot liar pig headed animal. Food trough licker. I fart in his general direction. His mother was a hamster and his father smelt of elderberries. -- Jwa007

Willful ignorance is the leading cause of Creationism in the US today.

Government will be no more honest and truthful than we force it to be.

Two Texas oilmen have been in office. Two wars in the Middle East. Did anyone really think that this war was about WMD's? Suckers. I honestly believe that the American public can be sold anything. Remember the pet rock? -- Madcow66

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?

"During the heyday of feminism, feminist lawyers turned marriage from a partnership into a punitive arrangement where women had all the rights and choices and men all of the financial obligations. Men can hardly be blamed for not wanting to walk into that legal buzz saw, especially if they've already been through it once before. So, if you are a woman, and are not finding a partner, you can thank all those women who made millions off of male-bashing and rape hysteria and selling books that pandered to the desire to blame all of life's difficulties on the mean old patriarchy. Because you got suckered. The agenda wasn't equality, it was simply to force women out of the home and into the work place by convincing them that was the way to "liberation", thereby increasing tax revenues to the already deeply in debt government, and to make men more "disposable", so they could be trucked off to the wars being planned." -- whatreallyhappened.com

I would like to apologize for the way in which politicians are represented on this site. It was never my intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are concerned more with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well-being of the people that they supposedly represent, nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor indeed do I intend that visitors to this site should consider them as crabby ulcerous little self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might find offensive. I am sorry if this impression has come across. -- Monty Python (paraphrased)

Cats are a survival mechanism for the lonely. Maybe you don't give a damn about yourself, but your babies need to be watered, fed, petted, taken to the vet, and a hundred other things that keep you going. -- Farker Coelacanth

Don't trust urologists. They're only looking out for number one.

All governments suffer a recurring problem: Power attracts pathological personalities. It is not that power corrupts, but rather power is a magnet that draws the corruptible." -- Frank Herbert

"The Net was a lot like television, another former wonder of the age. The Net was a vast glass mirror. It reflected what was shown. Mostly human banality." -- Bruce Sterling

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. -- Gerorge Carlin

"Remember when models were pretty? Isn't it time we let straight men pick how the models should look?" - David Spade, SNL

If you think the damage done on September 11th was contained to that day, you are sadly mistaken. Our economy, foreign policy, ideals, and freedoms are still being destroyed. -- GreyAlien

How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

"The Catholic church in it's infinite wisdom has decided to ordain a patron saint of the Internet. I'm sooo glad I'm a pagan." -- evil_gryffn

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Tuesday, September 5, 2006 10:49 PM

TEACHDAIRE

bump

-------------------------------------------------
For every battle honour, a thousand heroes die along, unremembered and unsung...

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Tuesday, September 5, 2006 11:23 PM

WASHSYOUNGERSEXIERBR

Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges

Some of those are IMMENSE!!

My fav 2 are:

"how would you like to bite that ass, get lockjaw, and be dragged to death"

and

"Hey Santa! How much for your list of naughty girls??"

www.myspace.com/didxl
sexier.younger.brother@hotmail.co.uk

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Wednesday, September 6, 2006 1:41 AM

KANEMAN

Absolutely beautiful. Refreshing even.

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Thursday, May 27, 2010 10:43 AM

MIKEWILLIAMSON

Dang. My friend Chuck's quote is still out there.

It just came up in reference to an article on medicating everyone.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/26/AR2010
022603369.html?hpid=opinionsbox1

Recent novels by Michael Z. Williamson
CONTACT WITH CHAOS, Apr 09 from Baen Books
BETTER TO BEG FORGIVENESS..., Nov 07 from Baen Books
http://www.MichaelZWilliamson.com

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Thursday, May 27, 2010 11:50 AM

LWAVES

Some good ones. Too many to read all of them.
But here's a couple of my faves that may not (or may) have been posted above:

Will the last person to leave the universe please turn out the lights.

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Q: Is there intelligent life on Earth?
A: Yes, but I'm only visiting.

And in the style of the always excellent Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Cursory - a place where children learn to swear
Baccanalian - to bet on a martian
Senile - what to do whilst in Egypt
Binmen - post-op Transexuals
Thesauras - a disorder following the consumption of curry
Samurai – the choice between me and Sam
Aftermath - when you explain why you didn't do you homework
Triangle - fishing for the first time

"The greatest invention ever is not the wheel. It's the second wheel." - Rich Hall

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