Hollywood does Firefly... by CorporateDog

GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

Hollywood does Firefly...

POSTED BY: CORPORATEDOG
UPDATED: Thursday, February 26, 2004 12:31
SHORT URL:
VIEWED: 8564
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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 6:40 AM

While discussing the Serenity movie on another board, someone jokingly raised the possibility of Firefly being ripped from Joss' hands, and being turned into a Typical Hollywood Product.

In response, I created this nightmare of a trailer description. Firefly, as only Hollywood could ruin it!!!

Enjoy....

Quote:
Originally posted by Joe Dizzy
Gee... hollywood is really milking the movie-based-on-tv-show-thing for all its worth. I bet they'll totally screw it up by "re-imagining" it and "updating" it for the new millenium.

Ominous Voiceover Guy: In a universe where right and wrong balance on the tip of a bullet...

Shot of a Mexican Standoff between Mal (now played by Tom Cruise), a random thug, and an Alliance soldier.

Mal: Y'all wanna play? Alright... let's PLAY!

Ominous Voiceover Guy: ... and allies are a cash commodity...

Shot of Jayne, now played by the Rock, pointing a finger in Mal's face.

Jayne: You don't want a knife in your back? You BETTER make sure I get my cut!

Ominous Voiceover Guy: ... one man...

Shot of Mal talking to Zoe, now played by Beyonce Knowles.

Mal: Ever since Serenity Valley, I feel so... detached. Like nothing really matters, anymore.

Ominous Voiceover Guy: ... and his crew of renegades...

Series of quick shots of the crew. Wash, now played by Will Ferrell. Kaylee, now played by Mandy Moore.
Inara, played by Catherine Zeta Jones. Simon & River, played by Some Heartthrob from a WB Teen Soap Opera
and Christina Ricci.

Ominous Voiceover Guy: ... will try to make one last heist...

Shots of stacks and stacks of gold bars, filling a high-tech vault.

Voiceover by Mal: Alliance gold... 10 billion credits worth...

Shot of the entire crew, sitting around the table in Serenity's galley.

Mal: ... and it's ours for the taking!

Ominous Voiceover Guy: ... and escape with their lives.

Quick shot of a running gun battle between the crew and some Alliance soldiers.

Money shot of a souped-up Serenity firing lasers at an Alliance cruiser.

Cut to Serenity's cockpit, where Wash pumps a fist in the air.

Wash: Yeah!

Ominous Voiceover Guy: This summer...

Shot of River firing MIND BULLETS at some off-screen assailants.

Shot of Book (played by Morgan Freeman) and Mal, walking in on River, as she sits cross-legged on the cargo-bay
deck, levitating some random objects.

Book: God DOES work in mysterious ways, Captain Reynolds.

Mal: He ain't THAT mysterious, Shepherd.

Ominous Voiceover Guy:... Universal Pictures invites you...

Quick shot of Inara and Mal kissing.

Quick shot of Kaylee propelling herself down a ladder in a smokey engine room.

Quick shot of Jayne throwing a haymaker to some mook's chin.

Ominous Voiceover Guy:... to find Serenity...

Shot of Mal and Zoe, getting mentally prepared to dive from the cover of a doorway, guns blazing, ala Butch and Sundance.

Mal: How're we doing?

Zoe: Still breathing, sir.

Mal: Then there's NO way we let them take this ship!

Mal and Zoe charge, and there's an explosion.

The explosion fades to a shot of space, where the title logo "Serenity" appears.

Voiceover by Blue Hand Agent (played by Christopher Walken): It ends here, Captain Reynolds.

Shot of Mal holding a gun to Blue Hand's head, while Blue Hand does the same.

Mal: Then don't blink. You might miss it.

Bang. A new screen appears: "Summer, 2006"

Regards,
Corporate Dog

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 6:45 AM

BROWNCOAT1

May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.

That is too scary to be funny.

I imagine that Joss insisted on creative control of the movie to avoid the problems he has had in the past with Firefly being messed w/ by execs.

If they did butcher it, I would have to boycott the movie.

"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 7:15 AM

PALADIN

Woah.....that's scary. So scary that I can actually see it hapening in some alternate hellish dimension where...that kind of thing happens. Let's just hope that doesn't turn out to be this dimension.

------------
"If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of Hell, a level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater." -Book

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 7:24 AM

ADEPTUS

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Oh . . . it was just a . . . bad dream.

It was all a bad, bad dream.

Darn you CD, now I'm going to have nightmares.

Tom Cruise as Mal? *shudder*

No power in the 'verse can stop me.

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 7:43 AM

SOUTHERNMERC

Damned CHILLING if you ask me. Literally, I had a chill just THINKING about something that horrific.

Let's pray Joss can keep it out of the

execs' hands.

Keep flying.

Jayne: "How big a room?"

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 8:19 AM

TEEHUNT

Quote:
Originally posted by CorporateDog:

Shot of Jayne, now played by the Rock...

I'm now having visions of "Serenity", presented by WWE... make it stop... make it stop..

Why is it, that any time I hear the Rock get mentioned, Dueling Banjos starts playing in my head? I think I have this subconcious connection between former wrestling stars and Deliverance.

bud-da ding ding ding ding ding ding ding...

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 8:22 AM

SHINY

This must be what going mad feels like...

RIVER
Purple elephants are flying.
MAL
Good. Thanks for the update.

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 8:52 AM

DAVCO92

CD - that was bloody disturbing. YOU are DEFINITELY going to the SPECIAL hell...
LOL!

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 9:00 AM

ANJIN

That was just all kinds of hilarious! Thanks!

---
Raven's Prayer
http://webpages.charter.net/anjinm

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 9:10 AM

WHOODAHN

Quote:
Tom Cruise as Mal? *shudder*

You want nightmares?

How about William ...Shatner...as....Mal?
"Zoe..open fire!"
"Kaylee, I need more power!"
"Wash, what do you see on long range sensors?"

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 9:30 AM

VENA

*

NO, This...

Quote:

You want nightmares?

How about William ...Shatner...as....Mal?
"Zoe..open fire!"
"Kaylee, I need more power!"
"Wash, what do you see on long range sensors?"

...is what going mad feels like.

Make the scary Tom Cruse in a Brown Coat go away!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Hahaha! Mine is an evil laugh!'

http://stripe.filetap.com/

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 9:36 AM

ADEPTUS

Quote:
Originally posted by WhooDahn:
Quote:
Tom Cruise as Mal? *shudder*

You want nightmares?

How about William ...Shatner...as....Mal?
"Zoe..open fire!"
"Kaylee, I need more power!"
"Wash, what do you see on long range sensors?"

I think I'm going to be sick.

No power in the 'verse can stop me.

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 9:48 AM

DUG

Every time I try to picture some corporate ninny casting the Rock as Jayne I simply can't.

Because the crap-for-brains exec changes his mind, casts Vin Diesel as Jayne, ditches most of the other characters and makes him the sole focus of the show.

And then I pray for some kindly Reavers to come take me away from all of this.

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 10:16 AM

ANOTHERFIREFLYFAN

It's funny.. now matter how hard I try to picture it in my head... I can't see anyone else in any of those roles.

Funny trailer satire, btw. I could actually see that as a movie trailer.

Keep flying

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 10:20 AM

JRC

This is what Serenity would be like on MAD TV or even Monty Python. Let's all hope and pray that Hollywood doesn't touch us and Joss doesn't give in to the corporation.
I think I'm gonna go hide in my closet now......

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 10:26 AM

SEVENPERCENT

I will say this though- Walken, as creepy Alliance guy -or ooh, ooh as head of Blue Sun would be kind of (read: really F'n) cool - No matter what you say about the rest of that godawful nightmare cast (TC as Mal, what are you trying to do, shock me to death?), it's hard to dis Walken-
But the rest of that nightmare is spot-on what a major picture studio would do- It's why modern cinema is almost as bad as television-

------------------------------------------
He looked bigger when I couldn't see him.

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 10:45 AM

TALLGRRL

Now that there is a recipe for disaster.

"Take me, sir. Take me hard."

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 12:17 PM

SAFFY

Brilliant parody! I'm dying!

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 12:49 PM

TMURRIE

Now something about that is just darn right unsettling..hey, free soup!

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 1:06 PM

ECMORGAN69

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That is too funny!

You just reminded me of the TV Christmas movie being promoed in "Scrooged" at the beginning of the movie. It was called "The Night The Reindeer Died".

"Lee, you've been a very good boy this year..."

They can have my "Firefly" DVDs when they pry them from my cold, dead fingers....

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 1:21 PM

NOXIOUS

Very funny. Very frightening, mostly due to the butcher job that I've seen Hollywood do to movies. Anyone ever read John Steakley's Vampire$ and seen John Carpenter's Vampires...

You are
What you do
When it counts
-The Masao

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 2:25 PM

MALCOLM

Oh my God! It's a genuine Universal Studios Executive sending up a marketing trial balloon!

The Rock as Jayne is just too obvious.

The next thing we'll find out is that Tom Shadyac or Stephen Sommers is directing and Fat Boy Slim will be remixing the theme song. Damn!

I knew they'd go this direction -- the studio's decided that the script's just too good for the TV cast. Why, Joss, why? You should have written it "down" and snuck it past the development execs.

*MBS reads the other posts*

Oh.

Nevermind.

-MBS

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 6:16 PM

LEMAT

Quote:
Originally posted by CorporateDog:

Shot of Mal talking to Zoe, now played by Beyonce Knowles...

Shot of Mal and Zoe, getting mentally prepared to dive from the cover of a doorway, guns blazing, ala Butch and Sundance.

Mal: How're we doing?

Zoe: Still breathing, sir.

I have been lurking here a little, and then this post caught my eye. When I play Zoe's line from above out in my head, I see Foxy Cleopatra speaking with Gina Torres' voice. Does that seem right to you?

LaMat

Pain is scary

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 6:30 PM

VETERAN

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Quote:
Every time I try to picture some corporate ninny casting the Rock as Jayne I simply can't.

Because the crap-for-brains exec changes his mind, casts Vin Diesel as Jayne, ditches most of the other characters and makes him the sole focus of the show.

The opening of this thread was funny. But this is really funny (the sad thing is that I can see it happening.)

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 6:46 PM

FFYING2

You da man, 'Dog. That was great

, yet scary.

Last fall Joss said in an interview that "no sound in space" wasn't as worth fighting for as some other things for the movie. On the Fox board I added that since it's sci fi, the movie will probably have a cute robot. Namely the:

Bible
Orator and
Occasional
Kneecap-shooter

Ying
Firefly Funsite http://fireflyfunsite.home.att.net
Firefly Chinese Pinyinary http://fireflychinese.home.att.net

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 7:17 PM

KNIBBLET

Tom Cruise? I cannot stand that asexual hobbit. The last movie I watched him in was "Risky Business". He gives me the wiggins.

Your vision has given me nightmares. I will plot your demise. Vengence is mine, sayeth the Knibs.

"Just keep walkin, preacher man."

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Wednesday, February 25, 2004 9:04 PM

JRC

Oh no, just when I thought I was getting over the images of Cruise, Rock, etc., then someone mentions a "cute robot". Next thing you hear will be that Serenity can talk like HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey".
Make...it...stop...please...
Please...make....it....stop....

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Thursday, February 26, 2004 8:01 AM

SOUTHERNMERC

JRC, for sharing with us The Horror Of A Talking Serenity, you shall be punished with the Thousand Lashings Of The Wretched Jellyfish.

Go to the Fox TV Studios building, enter the executive offices, pass through the halls to the Programming Executive's office, enter and sit in the BLUE chair and listen to the executive's banter on what a good TV show SHOULD be.

This, then, is Thy Punishment.

Jayne: "How big a room?"

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Thursday, February 26, 2004 11:46 AM

VAMPIREFAN

omg! that was hi-larious! the sad thing is that it is totally believable...

i'm soooo glad that joss is going to be in control of his movie!

laura

come out to the browncoat ball! chicago: sept 17-19, 2004 :: http://www.browncoatball.com for more info

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Thursday, February 26, 2004 12:00 PM

BRITCHICK

That was an excellent trailer.... I could really picture all those scenes, and iumagine it as a real trailer. Heck, I might even be tempted to go and see the film, despite the cast.

As long as it wasn't Firefly.

The sad thing is.... I could really see that happening!

Let's hope that the movie is the real thing, not just Another Action Film.

Like fireflyfans.net?
Haken needs a new development system. Why not donate?
http://www.fireflyfans.net/thread.asp?b=5&t=3283

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Thursday, February 26, 2004 12:17 PM

JRC

Lying in fetal position in corner of dark room...

"the horror........the horror......"

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Thursday, February 26, 2004 12:20 PM

FREAKYSINS

"Reimagined Firefly"

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Thursday, February 26, 2004 12:24 PM

JAHZARA

Ohmigosh!

That sounded so accurate it's freaky. I'm still cracking up.

That trailer would probably make me boycott the movie.

I can so see all of those actors cast by Hollywood in the roles. I mean, can you imagine Jimmy Fallon and Beyonce Knowles as a couple?

Okay, now I do and I want to go away from that scary, dark place.

Maybe something along the lines of--from the same studio that brought you Jaws and The Fast and the Furious...

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Thursday, February 26, 2004 12:31 PM

JASONZZZ

You missed it all.

If Univesal would truly hack it up, it would be in the editing room. That's where they will remake it with the "Love Triumphs ALL" ending - a real Hollywood story that is.

That and the cute little space robot...

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Haken needs a new development system. Donate.
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