Too Many Crooks Spoil the Shoot: The Worst Firefly Script Ever by chapterandverse

GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

Too Many Crooks Spoil the Shoot: The Worst Firefly Script Ever

POSTED BY: CHAPTERANDVERSE
UPDATED: Saturday, May 24, 2008 09:23
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VIEWED: 2752
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Wednesday, May 21, 2008 10:04 PM

Scene: The Galley at Night

Mal enters. Book is seated at the table.

Mal: Shepherd...Its late. What are you doing up?

Book: I was just sitting here and dwelling on my mysterious past.

Mal: Do you mind doing that in your room? its just that Inara is due in soon and I would like to engage in some meaningful but repressed banter with her in private.

Book: In just 48 hours, I will be able to retire as a Shepherd and draw a considerable pension, so now seems like a good time to detail my entire life and recap on some earlier points in the series that new viewers might have missed.

Enter Wash:

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008 11:15 PM

SIMONWHO

Wash: Hey guys! Are you having some wacky fun? Because I like that. Wacky fun, that's me!

Book: Actually, I was telling the Captain about my life before I was a Shepherd, before I had found God. Perhaps it would help if I read from the Bible.

*pulls out a copy*

Book: *clears throat* "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep." Now isn't that interesting?

Mal: No.

Wash: Do you reckon we could surf if we stood on top of the ship. I like surfing.

Enter River

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008 11:17 PM

PAINTITBLACK

River: I am a soap bubble.

Exit River.

Wash (wearing nondescript shirt): She is almost as wacky as me! You waiting for Inara Mal?

Mal: (flustered) No, I have no romantic feelings whatsoever toward Inara. She is a thorn in my side, a bump on the road, a lady with beguiling eyes and loose morals...

Book: As I was saying, my mysterious past... After I killed an Alliance operative (he shot first), I had to abandon my wife and baby son on the core planet where I ran a shadow puppets business.

Wash: Oh my God! Dad????????

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Thursday, May 22, 2008 1:23 AM

GEEZER

Keep the Shiny side up

Book: No. I was married to your mother, but... Well, why did you think I shot the Alliance Operative?

Wash: My dad was an Operative? Whacky fun!!

Enter Kaylee: Whacky fun? Thats so shiny.

Hi, Cap'n. Is Inara here yet? You gonna talk to her this time?

"Keep the Shiny side up"

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Thursday, May 22, 2008 1:51 AM

WYTCHCROFT

Book - "I heard tell that whacky fun was responsible for the collapse of the nu-carthage terraforming..."

Jayne (bleary) "huh"

Mal "where you been jayne?"

Jayne "in my bunk." snorts "obviously. with the -"

Wash "WhacKY fun! Whacky! Not -! (enter chinese swearing here)

Kaylee "ick."

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Thursday, May 22, 2008 2:08 AM

PAINTITBLACK

Inara enters.

Inara: Well, you are all up very late.

Mal: You are not the only one who works late Inara. Of course, the rest of us are hardworking, decent folk who do nothing to compromise the moral codes that we have developed to negotiate this harsh and often unjust world.

Inara (aside to herself): Oh must he be so cruel!!! Does he not see how my heart burns for him!!

Inara (aloud):Petty thief!

Mal: Whore!

Kaylee rolls her eyes in exasperation.

Book: As I was saying, my mysterious past....

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Thursday, May 22, 2008 5:20 AM

NEWOLDBROWNCOAT

Wash: "I wanta surf. It's wacky fun."

He puts on a space suit, goes outside. Stares up at the stars in the black. Something is moving thru space.

Wash: " Sure is pretty tonight."

A giant telephone poley thing whooshes past missing him by inches.

Wash: " Oh dear God, That woulda hurt. I'd better get back inside."

He returns to the galley.

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Thursday, May 22, 2008 8:38 AM

DEADLOCKVICTIM

Back in the galley Wash finds Mal, Inara, Kaylee and Book are eating corn on the cob...

Wash: "Hey, where'd you get those roasting ears...?"

Kaylee: "Jayne, he bought a whole bushel...."

Inara: "He must be feeling really guilty about something."

Book: "mmmm good corn.."

River standing just out of sight, both hands pressed to the sides of her head, speaking to no one...

"Roasting ears... ears for roasting.... roasting, roasting.... SIMON!"

Simon enters:

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Thursday, May 22, 2008 9:39 AM

LEOPARDFLAN

Simon: Mei mei, it's only corn. It's not like that fire, that almost killed Zoe-

Zoe enters

Zoe- Why are you saying my name, huh? You wanna mess with me? Everyone knows only the Captain came give me orders

Wash- So, you wouldn't do anything for me? Isn't that "wacky fun".

Wash finishes his corn with a bite and throws it down on the table. He stalks off.

Zoe goes after him, whining about how he never does her justice, of course she'd be happy to do anything at all for him, etc. etc.

Jayne enters

Jayne:

#~%~~*~~~&~~~*~~%~#\/#~%~~*~~~&~~~*~~%~#

Stan: LF! Stuffed LF!
Stan: That didn't sound right.. sorry. I'm not some psycho taxidermist serial killer or anything.

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Thursday, May 22, 2008 11:14 PM

CHAPTERANDVERSE

Jayne: And thats why I aint ever married. Course there was that one girl, back on my home planet, whom I loved with an innocent passion that belies my now-gruff and coarse exterior. But she betrayed me and those I cared about, reducing me to the blunt weapon that I have now become.

Mal: What?

Jayne: Nuthin.

River enters and slashes Jayne's blue shirt open with a nine-inch blade, then crawls out on the ceiling.

Simon (exasperated): Mei-Mei thats not polite!

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Friday, May 23, 2008 1:06 AM

WYTCHCROFT

mortified jayne clutches at his shirt as pieces of paper spill like confetti - the print's faded but Being and Nothingness, The Outsider and Le Fleur de Mal are easy spotted.

"Hell!"

But Serenity's Captain has paled now himself as the truth is out.

Inara (double take) "Jayne - so sensitive, I never realised."

Jayne "I'm misunderstood."

Inara: And - er, Mal... so...

Mal: My mom liked to read is all. And naming kidlings - that's no easy chore!

Inara: It means evil flower you know...

Mal: See? I'm badass.

Wash: Oh sure you are Captain, flower.

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Saturday, May 24, 2008 2:56 AM

GEEZER

Keep the Shiny side up

A Reaver enters, brandishing a rusty yet razor-sharp cleaver: Arrrggghhhh!! I need new human skins for my horrific Reaver clothes!!!! Is anyone here a 44 long?

Bang! Mal shoots the Reaver between the eyes and he falls with a clank of steel piercings.

Wash: Wow! Flower Power! Heh heh. Get it? the Cap'ns a flower of evil. I break myself up sometimes.

Thud! Zoe's rifle butt and Jayne's fist hit Wash simultaneously and he slumps to the floor.

Zoe: You were saying, Cap'n?

"Keep the Shiny side up"

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Saturday, May 24, 2008 5:35 AM

LEOPARDFLAN

Mal- How dare you knock out my pilot! Who's going to be doing the flying now? Zoe, your own husband for the Alliance's sake.

Zoe- MY husband. My business

Mal- Not when your husband is MY pilot

Zoe- You're saying he's been cheating on me? *shoots Wash in the head* Serves you right.

Mal- !!!

Zoe- What? He was going to die anyway.

Mal- I wasn't doing... that... with him.

Jayne- And I wasn't neither. *shudders

Book- Well, I'm afraid I have to confess... I know that homosexuality is very wrong, and that it is also wrong to steal a woman's husband, but Wash was just so pretty... I couldn't help myself. We had a very passionate and loving relationship, and now that he's gone... *starts crying*. I told him he should have divorced you, but he just thought I was being jealous....

Kaylee- Oh Shepard, come here, we can go to the engine room and have hot sex and make you feel all better.

enter inara

Inara- I should be the one doing that for our poor Book. I do it for a living, after all

Book- Well, why don't we have a threesome?

Kaylee- Good idea. How 'bout you, Inara?

Inara- Sounds like a plan to me. Let's go!

Book, Kaylee and Inara depart

River-

#~%~~*~~~&~~~*~~%~#\/#~%~~*~~~&~~~*~~%~#

Stan: LF! Stuffed LF!
Stan: That didn't sound right.. sorry. I'm not some psycho taxidermist serial killer or anything.

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Saturday, May 24, 2008 6:19 AM

KNIGHTREYEDER

River wakes up with a huge gasp and like a bird, looks around the room wondering if she's just had another of her dreams.

Simon wakes up with a start: River?

River: I was....we were....Bad hair man-he and Kaylee, Inara.....

Simon: Calm down mei mei, tell me all about it.

Mal knocks on the door: Simon?

Simon hesitates, tending to his sister: Yes Captain?

Mal:

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Mal's expression in the scrapyard when he first see's Serenity says it all.

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Saturday, May 24, 2008 9:23 AM

GEEZER

Keep the Shiny side up

Mal: Simon, Zoe just shot Wash in the head again. Start warming up another clone.

Simon: %#*+! That's the third one this month! We're running out of spares.

River: Some like it in the pot, nine days old.

"Keep the Shiny side up"

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