Survivor : Firefly! by zoid

GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

Survivor : Firefly!

POSTED BY: ZOID
UPDATED: Monday, May 17, 2004 20:07
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Saturday, May 15, 2004 2:59 PM

Browncoats... and 'reality' lovers:

A while back, there was a thread on the board for a fantasy Firefly episode. Lots of folk said variously, 'black and white', 'musical', etc. Well, I didn't play then, but I will now.

How about a Survivor Firefly episode? Shoot it on videotape, rather than film (to give it that whole 'reality' look) and have everybody be the exact opposite of who they are on the show. You know, like when you videotape your Mom at Christmas, suddenly she's got nothing to say; and the kids act like somebody slipped crystal meth into the egg nog. This is why I always say there's no such thing as being natural (i.e., 'real') if you're being videotaped.

Anyway, Mal would be very distinguished and Captainy and give orders like, "Stand to!" and "Belay that!". Wash would wear a pilot's uniform and be very businesslike. Jayne would be very courteous and considerate of others, offering them portions of his food, while stealing sidelong glances at the camera to make sure it was properly capturing him being all altrudocious. Simon would affect a suave ladies' man demeanor; Kaylee would tearfully confess in the confidential taping room that he had tried to rape her, because he had placed a hand on her shoulder conversationally. "Yeah, I mean I really used to like him a lot too, y'know? I just wanted to be near him; but then it turns out he's a predator. (Sniffle) Why do I always fall for the wrong guy?"

Book would be preaching up hellfire and damnation and trying to get everybody to donate a tenth of their shares to the Church; he would then start wearing lots of gold rings and a Rolex. Zoe would give Mal a hard time for trying to keep the Proud Black Woman under the heel of the Exploitative White Man. Inara would swear that she only served tea to her customers, never actually slept with them, and that she was just trying to earn enough money to go to college and become a pediatrician.

River would be the most vexing, because she keeps making directors and producers bleed to death through eyes, nose, ears and fingernails. Very expensive, but oddly enough, appropos and popular with the audience. As a consequence, Fox keep sending in fresh batches of directors and producers; Gail Berman okays the replacements, while safely ensconced on her sabbatical in the Himalayas.

Then, in the next episode, everybody returns to their normal selves and 'reality' and 'TV' are once more separated as God intended. Perhaps a rainbow could be worked into the opening credits?

BTW, since the cast of Firefly are much too talented to portray actors as bad as those found on 'reality' shows, they'd probably have to find replacements bad enough to do the job wrong, er, right. I'd suggest 'actors' from your favorite 'reality' shows. Keep in mind that because they are being videotaped and know it, they're going to be photonegatives of the characters we know from Firefly.

I know nothing about 'reality'... ...'TV' except that it nibbles scrotum; but I have heard of an 'actress' who -- by her reputation -- would be perfect for the Anti-Zoe: Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth from "The Apprentice". Just picture the ensuing hijinks as Mal thinks Zoe's got his back on a tricky caper, only to find that she's busy having her nails done, while waving her lawyer about a possible sexual harassment suit against her Captain.

Can y'all think of the Anti-Mal, Anti-Jayne or other Anti-crew from 'reality' shows? Don't try to play coy, either: I read that 'Survivor All Stars' thread. A lot of y'all may be Browncoats, but y'all are wearing purple underwear... Fie!

Twistedly,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"Even back when, River had that indefinable 'it', y'know? Inquisitive, insightful -- Very focused... Some things never change."

- 'Wash' Warren, Chief Architect and co-proprietor, "Cretaceous Park", Hera; from A Child Shall Lead Them: A History of the Second War of Independence Wilkins, Richard

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 3:15 PM

WHOODAHN

This sounds like an Enterprise rip-off of a Star Trek episode.

Serenity flies too close to a type XXX star and reverses reality. Kaylee is a virgin, Inara is a school marm and Book is a lounge lizard pervert in a leisure suit that chases both of them.

Jayne is a flaming gay that wears scarfs, Wash and Zoe are bitter enemies, both of them fighting to be second in command. Mal is a button down ram rod stiff PITA that encourages them to fight just to see who will win.

Simon and River are a couple of backwood hicks that constantly tickle each other and giggle.

Now excuse me while I swallow a bullet.

"I ain't crazy and I've got papers to prove it"

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 3:21 PM

SERGEANTX

Threads like this shouldn't be started so near the dinner hour.

I'll second that

SergeantX

"Dream a little dream or you can live a little dream. I'd rather live it, cause dreamers always chase but never get it." Aesop Rock

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 4:42 PM

FLAMETREE

Quote:
Originally posted by WhooDahn:
Wash and Zoe are bitter enemies, both of them fighting to be second in command. Mal is a button down ram rod stiff PITA that encourages them to fight just to see who will win.

I take it that Mal gets the winner? Just curious thats all

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 4:51 PM

WHOODAHN

Quote:
Originally posted by flametree:
I take it that Mal gets the winner? Just curious thats all

One way or the other.

"I ain't crazy and I've got papers to prove it"

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 4:55 PM

JEBBYPAL

Hehe, I actually think this is funny:) But then again, I also think that survivor ran its course about 3 seasons ago. Still, I'm going to have a go.

First off, need to have appropriate prize: either lots of free meds or a years worth of alliance stamped meal bars:)

Crew doubles, I still think it would be funny as hell to actually see the cast do this! That is truly how talented they are and i don't mean that sardonically. However, Zoid wants replacement, Zoid will get replacements.

I don't really remember everyone's names unfortunately. Richard Hatch or one of the asshole investmnent bankers from the season prior to all stars should definitely take the captain's role! Inara should be played by the girl who won Joe Millionaire. Hmmm, that's all I can think of now - my mind is completely blanking when I try to recall the specific people (selective amnesia perhaps?)

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 6:02 PM

GUNHAND

Zoid, sometimes you scare me...a lot. This post is one of those times.

Hehe.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
"Oh hey, I got an idea. Instead of us hanging
around playing art critic till I get pinched by
the Man, how's about we move away from this
eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our
increasingly eerie-ass day, how's that?"

My eerie-ass website:
http://gunhandsfirefly.homestead.com/Index.html

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 6:58 PM

FLAMETREE

Quote:
Originally posted by WhooDahn:
Quote:
Originally posted by flametree:
I take it that Mal gets the winner? Just curious thats all

One way or the other.

"I ain't crazy and I've got papers to prove it"

Yes indeed :)

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 8:15 PM

CALHOUN

Quote:
zoid wrote:
Saturday, May 15, 2004 14:59

except that it nibbles scrotum

Hehehe, Zoid said scrotum.

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Sunday, May 16, 2004 9:34 AM

ALIENZOOKEEPER

Very scary, but this all sounds like tripping the rift, or something (I only ever watched that one because it had a horrifying, mesmerizing quality!)

BTW, Zoid, are you going to collect some of this out takes from a Child shall lead? I'td be cool if you did this as some sort of outline, seeing as a Fanfic tell all novel probably isn't in the cards, right?

vince the alien zookeeper

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Sunday, May 16, 2004 12:48 PM

ZOID

AlienZookeeper wrote:

Quote:
BTW, Zoid, are you going to collect some of this out takes from a Child shall lead? I'td be cool if you did this as some sort of outline, seeing as a Fanfic tell all novel probably isn't in the cards, right?

Yeah, when they're all done -- only three left to go now -- I'll probably put them in a compilation post to let others catch up/fill-in/whatever. It'll also give everyone a chance to comment on what a nincompoop they think I am. ;) No offense to those who write fanfic or to those who read them, but I personally would never write one; IMO that's Joss' prerogative and his alone. Having said that, my next 'future quote' is from Simon and comes out appended to tomorrow's first post...

To everyone:
I may have out-convoluted myself on this thread. I am a big fan of Jonathan Swift, whose "Gulliver's Travels" mainly goes unrecognized for the satire it is. One of my favorites among his satires, "A Modest Proposal" (see http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html for complete text) suggests that a solution to the Irish being ravished by taxes and famine would be for the them to simply eat their children.

In similar fashion, I was suggesting that 'reality'... ...television panders to the basest human qualities, while simultaneously pushing art (like Firefly) out of our lives. Furthermore, I believe that -- while genuinely despicable people do arise naturally -- most people are basically good. ...Right up until you put a camera in front of them and tell them there's a winner-takes-all $1M prize. At that point, it's "Lord of the Flies" (another cautionary tale about the most base human natures).

To some -- perhaps the majority -- that may seem like good entertainment, watching ordinary folk have their souls ripped from their beings. And there's also my point that, even under the most benign of circumstances, people are never themselves when they are being videotaped.

That was sort of my point about all the character changes of the Firefly crew: Put a videocamera on them and watch their consciences and every shred of altruistic behavior evaporate.

Woo-hoo! Hey, Martha, get the kids! People is selling they's souls on the TV set! Personally, I'd just as soon they bring back public executions; at least God might have mercy on the victims' souls.

(See what I did there? That was that 'satire' thing I was talkin' about)

Respectfully,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"Even back when, River had that indefinable 'it', y'know? Inquisitive, insightful -- Very focused... Some things never change."

- 'Wash' Warren, Chief Architect and co-proprietor, "Cretaceous Park", Hera; from A Child Shall Lead Them: A History of the Second War of Independence Wilkins, Richard

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Sunday, May 16, 2004 1:32 PM

QUICKSAND

It's very hard to come up with an original idea anymore.

I neer watched the X-Files, but I do remember stumbling upon it the night they shot it like an episode of "Cops."

Freaking brilliant, but unless you're the first one to do it (i.e. Let's Do a Musical Episode), then you're just boring an unoriginal.

Bah.

___\_o_/___
--------------- (Qs)

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Sunday, May 16, 2004 1:42 PM

ZOID

Quicksand quickly responded:

Quote:
...Freaking brilliant, but unless you're the first one to do it (i.e. Let's Do a Musical Episode), then you're just boring an unoriginal. Bah.

Ah, but you forget: We now live in the Age of 'Reality', where every new show is just a shabbily dressed regurgitation of all the others in the genre. The 'bread and circuses' crowd won't recognize any resemblance to a past drama series. The only real stumbling block to "Survivor: Firefly!" would be if Ricki Lake, Montel Williams or Judge Judy did a takeoff on "COPS"...

Thoughtfully,

zoid

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Monday, May 17, 2004 6:35 AM

ANNIK

Quote:
Originally posted by zoid:
Quicksand quickly responded:
Quote:
...Freaking brilliant, but unless you're the first one to do it (i.e. Let's Do a Musical Episode), then you're just boring an unoriginal. Bah.

Ah, but you forget: We now live in the Age of 'Reality', where every new show is just a shabbily dressed regurgitation of all the others in the genre. The 'bread and circuses' crowd won't recognize any resemblance to a past drama series. The only real stumbling block to "Survivor: Firefly!" would be if Ricki Lake, Montel Williams or Judge Judy did a takeoff on "COPS"...

Thoughtfully,

zoid

OK ... so what we need to do is have Springer do a show with 'successful Academy escapees', showcasing River. True to form, Jerry invites some Blue Handers. The ensuing chaos includes fabulous on-camera demonstrations of River killing with her brain. Simon tries to drag his sister off stage, only to end up in fisticuffs with Jerry. In the end, Mal simply shoots anyone not already part of his crew.

Cheers,
Annik
... my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

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Monday, May 17, 2004 6:58 AM

SOUTHERNMERC

Quote:

OK ... so what we need to do is have Springer do a show with 'successful Academy escapees', showcasing River. True to form, Jerry invites some Blue Handers. The ensuing chaos includes fabulous on-camera demonstrations of River killing with her brain. Simon tries to drag his sister off stage, only to end up in fisticuffs with Jerry. In the end, Mal simply shoots anyone not already part of his crew.

Cheers,
Annik
... my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

And there was much rejoicing! yaaay

Jayne: "See, Vera? You get dressed up, you get taken someplace fun!"

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Monday, May 17, 2004 7:35 AM

ZOID

Annik wrote:

Quote:
OK ... so what we need to do is have Springer do a show with 'successful Academy escapees', showcasing River. True to form, Jerry invites some Blue Handers. The ensuing chaos includes fabulous on-camera demonstrations of River killing with her brain. Simon tries to drag his sister off stage, only to end up in fisticuffs with Jerry. In the end, Mal simply shoots anyone not already part of his crew.

Yes, that's precisely what I'm talking about: exploding heads on TV, a surefire hit. But no pyrotechnics or FX, if you please. Real people's heads. Perhaps we could raid some prisons, slums or skid row for suitable 'materials'. America is all about the 'Reality' these days, you know, and would see through any shabby 'unreal' tricks.

Dubiously,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"History may say I saved River; but it's not like that. No, that's not it at all. I saved my sister."

- Simon Tam, M.D., husband and father of 4, Jiangyin; from A Child Shall Lead Them: A History of the Second War of Independence Wilkins, Richard

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Monday, May 17, 2004 7:36 AM

ZOID

Annik wrote:

Quote:
OK ... so what we need to do is have Springer do a show with 'successful Academy escapees', showcasing River. True to form, Jerry invites some Blue Handers. The ensuing chaos includes fabulous on-camera demonstrations of River killing with her brain. Simon tries to drag his sister off stage, only to end up in fisticuffs with Jerry. In the end, Mal simply shoots anyone not already part of his crew.

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Monday, May 17, 2004 9:11 AM

QUICKSAND

Quote:
The 'bread and circuses' crowd won't recognize any resemblance to a past drama series.

See, that's very thoughtful of you, but you're missing an important point: the bread and circuses crowd doesn't watch "Firefly," and they never will. They're quite content to watch "CSI: Fargo" until the Cossacks invade.

Who watches Firefly? WE do.... and we're smart enough to recognize an idea that's been done before. And smart enough to recognize something new, and brilliant.

___\_o_/___
--------------- (Qs)

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Monday, May 17, 2004 10:58 AM

ZOID

Quicksand wrote:

Quote:
See, that's very thoughtful of you, but you're missing an important point: the bread and circuses crowd doesn't watch "Firefly," and they never will. They're quite content to watch "CSI: Fargo" until the Cossacks invade.

Who watches Firefly? WE do.... and we're smart enough to recognize an idea that's been done before. And smart enough to recognize something new, and brilliant.

Good points; however, seeming to miss the fact that I wasn't seriously suggesting a Firefly episode based on Survivor. Even though I specifically indicated I was satirizing the 'reality' movement, you seem to have evaded comprehension of my gist. Undoubtedly, I'm just being too vague.

At the very least -- even if my attempt at satire was too clumsy -- the dripping sarcasm should have been apparent throughout.

Respectfully,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"History may say I saved River; but it's not like that. No, that's not it at all. I saved my sister."

- Simon Tam, M.D., husband and father of 4, Jiangyin; from A Child Shall Lead Them: A History of the Second War of Independence Wilkins, Richard

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Monday, May 17, 2004 12:03 PM

ANNIK

Quote:
Originally posted by zoid:

Quicksand wrote:
Quote:
See, that's very thoughtful of you, but you're missing an important point: the bread and circuses crowd doesn't watch "Firefly," and they never will. They're quite content to watch "CSI: Fargo" until the Cossacks invade.

Who watches Firefly? WE do.... and we're smart enough to recognize an idea that's been done before. And smart enough to recognize something new, and brilliant.

Good points; however, seeming to miss the fact that I wasn't seriously suggesting a Firefly episode based on Survivor. Even though I specifically indicated I was satirizing the 'reality' movement, you seem to have evaded comprehension of my gist. Undoubtedly, I'm just being too vague.

At the very least -- even if my attempt at satire was too clumsy -- the dripping sarcasm should have been apparent throughout.

Respectfully,

zoid

Well, all I know is that *I'm* all gooey and sticky from the sarcasm that oozed through my laptop and onto my fingers, Zoid. And I'm fair certain I got most of the satire, too. I'm with you!

Cheers,
Annik
... my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

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Monday, May 17, 2004 8:07 PM

QUICKSAND

Quote:

At the very least -- even if my attempt at satire was too clumsy -- the dripping sarcasm should have been apparent throughout.

Respectfully,

You're absolutely right. My bad.

___\_o_/___
--------------- (Qs)

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