Things That Would NEVER Happen In Firefly by DarkHood

GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

Things That Would NEVER Happen In Firefly

POSTED BY: DARKHOOD
UPDATED: Wednesday, May 19, 2004 04:42
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VIEWED: 6001
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Saturday, May 15, 2004 7:19 AM

Just post the weirdest thing syou can think of that would never happen in Firefly.

Jayne admits the reason he is so hard on Simon is because he brings out a side of him he tried to burry a long time ago...his sexual desire for men. He then admits that tipping off the Feds on Ariel was just to get rid of River so he could have Simon all to hiself.

Mal decideds to get drunk and wakes up in the morning with "I Love The Alliance 4 Ever" tattoed across his chest.

The crew find out that Kaylee has been having a passinate love affair with Serenity. What? You didn't think she spent all the time in the engine room just fixing stuff did you?

Lets see what you insane people can come up with

.

________________________________________________________________________

Mal's on the ground, about to get speared by Crow. A shot rings out. Crow is kneecapped.

Mal: Nice shot.

Jayne: I was aiming for his head.

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 8:15 AM

BADGERSHAT

Quote:
Originally posted by DarkHood:
Just post the weirdest thing syou can think of that would never happen in Firefly.

River and Simon turn out to have both been adopted, making them not really related, and they fall in love and get married.

Jayne turns out to be the head of the Persephone Mensa Chapter, and is slumming on Serenity, pretending to be a moronic musclehead, as an experiment for his Doctoral Thesis on Human Interaction and Personality Disorders in Increased Stress Environments.

Inara's a tranny.

Mal and Wash end up in a group marriage with Zoe.

Kaylee turns out to be an Alliance super-spy, with assassination skills and all that.

Book is an aged rock star, whose life went sour after owing money to the Mafia. he was hiding out in the Abbey for years, but the bad guys are catching up to him.

Serenity is possessed by the malevolent entity from that "Event Horizon" movie.

The Reavers are nothing more than a bunch of kids who stole their parent's ships, but never learned to fly right.

YoSaffBridge joins an all-girl pop-band, finding fame and fortune.

--Jefé The Hat

***************************
"I like smackin 'em"--Jayne

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 8:42 AM

GUNRUNNER

Jayne is Wash's real father.

Zoe dumps Wash for River.

Vera is Jayne's mother's name.

Kaylee is really the long lost child of Zoe and Private Bendis.

The Firefly CCG Web Site:
http://mywebpage.netscape.com/Bllm119/firefly_ccg_web_site.htm
My Other Site:
http://www.geocities.com/billds9/

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 1:52 PM

ZOID

El Jefé Magnifico wrote:

Quote:
River and Simon turn out to have both been adopted, making them not really related, and they fall in love and get married.

I actually had a serious notion that ran along these lines. Simon's actually a Tam (please note that 'Tam' means 'Hat'), but River is a genetically-engineered human, either placed in the Tam household by BlueSun/Alliance as an infant or surgically implanted in Mama Tam's womb. Maybe River's powers extend to being able to just look at Simon and determine that he's a viable sire for offspring (i.e., not genetically related); hence this would explain why she wanted to marry Simon in one of the outtakes.

Then the Magnificent Jefé Tam wrote:

Quote:
Inara's a tranny

She's a transmission? Stick or automatic? Oh, I guess you're implying 'stick'... If she's a dude, then I'll kiss her/is ass and give her/im 30 minutes to draw a crowd. Good point though. I think Morena should quell this vicious rumor, started by the Jefé, by appearing totally au naturel in the BDM. Can I get an amen?

Lastly, our Glorious Leader, El Sombrero Magnifico wrote:

Quote:
Mal and Wash end up in a group marriage with Zoe.

You mean they're not already? I thought Zoe was a polyandrist and the only reason Mal didn't 'get some' was 'cause of an old war wound...

Convolutedly,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"Even back when, River had that indefinable 'it', y'know? Inquisitive, insightful -- Very focused... Some things never change."

- 'Wash' Warren, Chief Architect and co-proprietor, "Cretaceous Park", Hera; from A Child Shall Lead Them: A History of the Second War of Independence Wilkins, Richard

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 2:10 PM

BADGERSHAT

Quote:
Originally posted by zoid:Then the Magnificent Jefé Tam wrote:
Quote:
Inara's a tranny

She's a transmission? Stick or automatic? Oh, I guess you're implying 'stick'... If she's a dude, then I'll kiss her/is ass and give her/im 30 minutes to draw a crowd. Good point though. I think Morena should quell this vicious rumor, started by the Jefé, by appearing totally au naturel in the BDM. Can I get an amen?
Convolutedly,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"Even back when, River had that indefinable 'it', y'know? Inquisitive, insightful -- Very focused... Some things never change."

- 'Wash' Warren, Chief Architect and co-proprietor, "Cretaceous Park", Hera; from A Child Shall Lead Them: A History of the Second War of Independence Wilkins, Richard

AMEN, AMEN, AMEN!

--Jefé The Hat

***************************
"I like smackin 'em"--Jayne

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 7:41 PM

RIV

I like the Book as an ex-rocker one.

Mal finally admits that the reason he wears tight pants is because he's always wanted to be a member of the Village People.

It comes out that River really isn't all that smart. She gets all her facts by a quick Core search and 'did you know' facts from the back of boxes.

_______________________________________________
Two by two. Hands of blue.-River Tam

I support River and Jayne!
I support Zoe and Wash!
I support Simon and Kaylee!
I support Mal and Inara!

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Saturday, May 15, 2004 10:31 PM

METROPOLIS

George Lucas directs an episode

Inara falls for Jayne (not all that creative, but I think we all agree it would never happen).

River's faking the whole thing for the attention, and because the food at the fancy shmancy school she went to wasn't all that great. Had to think of a way to get away from Meatloaf Monday somehow...

Inara gets pregnant ------ by that one female client in "War Stories."

Serenity not only makes sound in space, but it's that signature high pitched Jetsons flyby noise.

"Once in flight school, I was laconic..." -Wash

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Sunday, May 16, 2004 1:00 AM

DARKHOOD

George Lucas films this episode:

Blue Sun and The Alliance are destroyed when they get in the middle of...THE CLONE WARS!!!

Mal notices an increase in campy, badly done CGI ships in the skies.

Inara's new client is a very sexualy frustrated Yoda. He pays for 5 nights with her and they don't leave the shuttle once. After the 5 days Inara swears to never touch a green guy again. Cue the arrivial of her next client...Kermit the Frog!

Simon is visited by Obi-Won Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker. Simon is a bit weary of the two people especially seeing as the younger one is showing displays of extremly wooden acting.

Kenobi: Your sister is gifted.
Anakin: You used to say that to me.
Kenobi: What was that?
Anakin: Nothing.
Kenobi stares
Anakin: Master.

They tell Simon that the reason for his sisters insania is because of her un-tapped Jedi potential. They give him a card with their home and business number on it. Telling him to ring when he feels ready.

Quentin Tarantino takes over directing at this point:

Simon pulls a Shotgun out from under his bed and shoots Kenobi and Anakin in the back of their heads. Blood splatters everywhere as a cool disco tune starts playing in the background. Simon lights up a cigar and throws it behind him. As he walks out in slow mo his bedroom explodes in dramatic fashion (Simon is wearing no shirt during this scene).

________________________________________________________________________

Mal's on the ground, about to get speared by Crow. A shot rings out. Crow is kneecapped.

Mal: Nice shot.

Jayne: I was aiming for his head.

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Sunday, May 16, 2004 4:01 AM

WHOODAHN

Quote:

hence this would explain why she wanted to marry Simon in one of the outtakes.

Nah....
They'll jus be hill folk. That's the way kin do it back home. Ain't they from the planet Ozark?

"I ain't crazy and I've got papers to prove it"

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Sunday, May 16, 2004 3:41 PM

ANKHAGOGO

Quote:
Originally posted by GunRunner:
Vera is Jayne's mother's name.

Is it wrong that I think this idea has some merit?

"We're just happy to be doin' good works."

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Sunday, May 16, 2004 3:56 PM

ANNIK

Ooooh! I'm hurting from laughing! Great ideas!

How 'bout a followup on the Space Monkey comment and have the crew land on The Planet of the Apes (remake).

I can just see Jayne engaged in a power war with one of those bad, bad monkeys.

And on the Tight Pants thing: remember "V"? Perhaps Mal is mistaking himself for Marc Singer, the 1980s TV-star who must have worn airbrushed clothing because no one could actually get pants *that* tight onto his body!

At least no one ever ate live rats on Firefly ... well, except maybe for the Reavers, but we didn't have to watch 'em do it!

Cheers,
Annik
... my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

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Sunday, May 16, 2004 3:59 PM

RIV

While eating one night, Book suddenly stands up and tells everyone that he always works out with Jayne because he loves him. Jayne doesn't know what to say, but grabs Book and tells the others they'll be in his bunk.

_______________________________________________
Two by two. Hands of blue.-River Tam

I support River and Jayne!
I support Zoe and Wash!
I support Simon and Kaylee!
I support Mal and Inara!

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Sunday, May 16, 2004 5:05 PM

INSIGHT SPINNER

Quote:
Originally posted by Ankhagogo:
Quote:
Originally posted by GunRunner:
Vera is Jayne's mother's name.

Is it wrong that I think this idea has some merit?

"We're just happy to be doin' good works."

I presumed it was canon.

insight spinner
__________

Just an object. It doesn't mean what you think....

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Sunday, May 16, 2004 7:16 PM

HOWDYROCKERBABY1

Quote:
Originally posted by Riv:

It comes out that River really isn't all that smart. She gets all her facts by a quick Core search and 'did you know' facts from the back of boxes.

It's worked for me!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
MAL: This is my scrap of nowhere. You go on and find your own.
SAFFRON: You can't just leave me here, on this
lifeless piece of crap moon...
MAL: Sure I can.
SAFFRON: I'll die.
MAL: Well, as a courtesy, you might start
getting busy on that, cause all this chatter ain't doin' me any kindness.

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 4:42 AM

MANTICHORUS

It turns out that the Blue Hands are a consortium of door-to-door salesmen, televanelgists, and other annoying people, and that River's really just running away from her fifth Tupperware party. (

The horror!)
In related news, it turns out that Book is really the chief pimp at the Companions school...
Go figure.

"BADGER: You think you're better than other people.
MAL: Just the ones I'm better than."
"I'm not an adult! I don't want to create responsible shows with lawyers in them. I want to invade people's dreams." - Joss Whedon

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