Why Fox cancelled Firefly - - Funny by HiroStone

GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

Why Fox cancelled Firefly - - Funny

POSTED BY: HIROSTONE
UPDATED: Thursday, July 22, 2004 06:47
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VIEWED: 8385
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Tuesday, July 13, 2004 3:04 PM

My friend, Julie, knowing my obsessiveness for the subject, found this on a node on E2, written by this guy Zach as a joke. She sent it to me thinking I'd be amused by it.

I was!

Read all the way to the end!

_________________________________________________

Why Fox cancelled Firefly
created by Zach
(idea) by Zach (1.1 hr) (print) Rep: 4 ( +22 / -18 ) (+) C? Sat Feb 22 2003 at 4:50:54

Memorandum

To: Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Television Incorporated
From: Shillton Skankowski, FOX Television Entertainment Network Group
Date: February 19th, 2002

Dear Joss,

After that power brunch we had yesterday I just thought I'd send you a memo and let you know that I've talked with the other executives here at FOX and we've decided to give your little space western idea another chance. However, and I'm sure you'll understand why, we ask for a few simple adjustments to your marvelous show idea before we can continue.

1. We need to have things blow up more often. Something should blow up at least once in between every commercial break. Two or three things blowing up in between each commercial break would be even better.

2. The women on the show should kiss the men on the show more often, and each other just a little less (as in, not at all).

3. The name "Firefly" doesn't seem to properly convey the idea of a space western. We recommend you rename the show "Space Western" so that the viewers don't confuse your show with a PBS documentary about fluorescent beetles.

4. The focus groups who reported to my assistant after viewing one of your episodes said they didn't really understand who the bad guys were. We recommend you have all the good guys on the show wear white hats and all the bad guys wear black hats, so the viewers are better able to keep track at a glance just who they're supposed to be rooting for.

5. We recommend you add a new character to the show. A cute little girl. Focus groups respond best to dark haired girls who are about nine or ten years old. We know this is a science fiction program so we recommend you make her a robot who speaks in a monotone manner and takes anything other characters say very literally, to comical effect.

6. The women on the show are wearing too many clothes.

7. You put the show in outer space but I don't recall there ever being any actual aliens showing up. So we recommend you get some of your makeup guys from the Buffy tv show and have them doctor up some extras to make them look like Little Green Men or something. Also make sure they're wearing black hats.

7. Drop that Ron Glass guy. He's a bore.

8. Focus groups reported that the rooms inside the spaceship looked too much like a poorly furnished studio apartment. We recommend you repaint all the sets to make them look more like those cool sets on that old Star Trek show. Make sure there's a lot of bright flashing lights and "beep beep" noises in the background.

9. The women on the show need to be prettier. Go wherever you got that cute Gellar chick and hire some more who look like that.

10. Get in touch with the Jim Henson Company and add some aliens that are actually muppets. Kids like muppets. You can't go wrong with muppets. Or maybe get that guy who does ALF. He's been doing some phone commercials recently, but I'm sure he's available. Make ALF a guest star every few episodes and maybe we can get the 1-800-COLLECT guys to put a commercial on your show.

11. Make the 'future' of the Earth a little brighter. People wanna believe we're gonna do better. Right now the show's outlook is just a little depressing.

Of course you'll understand that we will not be offering any more money for these changes. In fact in order to broadcast your fine television show on our network, we ask for a simple retainer of $250,000.00 per episode, to defray the costs regarding a lack of interest among advertisers.

We look forward to working with you again.

Sincerely,
S. Skankowski

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Memorandum

From: Joss Whedon
To: Shillton Skankowski
Date: February 20th, 2002

Dear Skanky,

Get Bent.

As always,
Joss

______________________________________________

-Hiro

WASH
Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar.

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004 3:42 PM

RAWDEAL

LOL

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004 5:10 PM

TOMTBA2004

ahh .. finally the truth of the FOX network..there not evil.. just really stupid..thats the problem.. I suggest a re-do of the pilot. but with muppets, they might understand and like the show better...how bout that?, oh or more sing-a-longs. Can't take the sky from me with the words on the bottom and a little ship follwing the words to the song as you sing them..so the network suites can get a bowl of popcorn and a blanket and sing along in their "Thomas the Tank engine" pa jam mas. It would be so cute when we see there little faces light up on the opening cords of the theme..

"lets go to work"

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004 5:18 PM

ANNIK

Bwah ha ha ha! Love it!

ROTFLMAO!

Cheers,
Annik
... my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004 5:42 PM

THATWEIRDGIRL

Quote:
Originally posted by Tomtba2004:
re-do of the pilot. but with muppets...sing-a-longs. Can't take the sky from me with the words on the bottom and a little ship follwing the words to the song as you sing

that actually sounds like something I would enjoy. Someone want to make a sing-a-long vid? I promise to sing out loud or soft if need be. Maybe use the gag "How much is that Geisha" clip with Gina, Mal and Adam bopping.

www.thatweirdgirl.com

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004 2:23 AM

CAPTAINHARBATKIN

Gee, I dunno! I'd say make the girls on the show kiss each other MORE. (A) Guys LIKE that and we'll add a lot more pimply 14 year olds to the audience, and (B) a little controversy will generate free publicity.

I mean who DOESN'T want to have Mal show up at Inara's shuttle, to find Inara finishing a wax and buff job on Kaylee? Or Saffron showing Inara how to do the Venus Butterfly? Sure, throw Kaylee in as the subject of the demo. Why not?

Oh, and for the ladies, in the middle of the night, cut to Jayne in his bunk, waxing and buffing Vera! Just think of what he might do with PIPE CLEANERS! WooHOOOO!

Anyway, we then have Jerry Falwell and Billy Graham condemn the show. Maybe we could get the Pope to excommunicate Joss, and John Kerry could say he planned to leave the church if they allowed him to take the Eucharist in future.

[Dang, we could have SAVED THE SHOW! It would have WORKED! - CaptainHarbatkin]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins into their
clothing - and if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004 4:22 AM

EVILTOBZ

Quote:
Originally posted by CaptainHarbatkin:
I mean who DOESN'T want to have Mal show up at Inara's shuttle, to find Inara finishing a wax and buff job on Kaylee? Or Saffron showing Inara how to do the Venus Butterfly? Sure, throw Kaylee in as the subject of the demo. Why not?

/drools

---------------------------------------------
eviltobz - that's lowercase gorram it!

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004 7:15 AM

CONNORFLYNN

Too funny..LOL.

Thanks much.

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004 8:00 AM

KMARIE

Oh, my goodness. I never realized how stupid, I mean, intellegance changelled the exec's at FOX where. That is too funny! I loved Joss's response!!

~KMarie

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004 9:25 AM

PHOENIXSHIP

addendum to our previous memo...

Confirming the whole cast returns every week? Who gets voted off? This seems a little odd to everyone here.

Also, Tiffany Amber Thiessen will be dropping by next week along with the guy who painted that chick green for Star Trek. Find a place for her - it's totally up to you where you put her, but she should be driving something shiny and kissing the men on the show. Guns are good.

We'll be dropping by every 2.5 minutes to see if you need anything. By the way, we've got a great idea! Show the first episode last! That's why we get the big bucks.

Sincerely,
Fox Executroid #413

"Why're you arguin' what's already been decided?"
Mal to Jayne, "Jaynestown"

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004 11:34 AM

FIREFLY4U

good comedy

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004 11:34 AM

FIREFLY4U

good comedy

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Thursday, July 15, 2004 12:29 PM

JAYNESADDICTION

Further addendum-

On the name change our boys have been throwing around some new suggestions instead of calling it firefly, what do you think of..

When Reavers Attack.

Galaxy's scariast alliance chases,

Or the SImple life 3000 paris and nichole on the ass end of space.

also howabout a guest shot for Fox's newest prime time heroes method and red, they could be intergalactic gangstas (in black hats of course)

well any suggestions you have on this Mr. Whedon will be greatfully apreciated,

sincerely

FOX exec #6566-8543-55687

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004 7:01 AM

TIANMOWEILONG

Suppose Whedon changes Mal and the captain of an Alliance ship. "Trading Captains: Meet your new Tight-Pants."

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004 8:46 AM

CANTTAKESKY

Very very funny. Thank you for posting that.

Here's Joss' real response.

-----------------
Dear Fox executives:

I'm sorry, but I am too busy to even finish reading your letter. You see, I'm directing a $50 million movie that will go out and make so much money you'll cry yourself to sleep every night between the opening of this movie and the openings of its blockbuster sequels.

I always say, why drive a tricycle when you can have a corvette? Thank you for your offer though.

Sincerely,
Joss Whedon
--------------------------------

Can't Take My Gorram Sky

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004 11:10 AM

SERENITYVALLEY

http://www.simple-assault.com/Firefly.htm

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004 2:21 PM

QUICKSAND

Oddly enough, the show described in the memo was on the network the EXACT same season as "Firefly." It was a show called "Fastlane."

Stuff blew up, lots of skanky underdressed women, and they never got to the 10-year-old, but if they'd been around another half-season, I'm sure they would have.

What WE know though, and Fox executives still don't, is that you can't target a show to that all powerful "Male, age 15-24" group, and then air it on a Friday night. So Firefly and Fastlane get thrown on the same scrap heap.

On the plus side, there will never be a Fastlane movie. Or maybe there was. Did anyone actually SEE "2 Fast 2 Furious?"

___\_o_/___
--------------- (Qs)

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004 5:11 PM

LTNOWIS

Quote:
I mean who DOESN'T want to have Mal show up at Inara's shuttle, to find Inara finishing a wax and buff job on Kaylee? Or Saffron showing Inara how to do the Venus Butterfly? Sure, throw Kaylee in as the subject of the demo. Why not?

For one thing, they'd need to change the name of the show to "The Immature fantasies of LtNOWIS."

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004 6:31 PM

TEELABROWN

Good gorram, that is simply the funiest thing I have read/heard all day. And whoever mentioned Jayne and Vera and pipecleaners, yes.

It's hard to type when laughing so hard.

_____________
"Freedom is the Freedom to say that 2 plus 2 make 4. If that is granted, all else follows"-Winston, 1984
Teela Brown, keeper of the delete key.
"No one reads these things any way."- Bart on Blackboard

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Thursday, July 22, 2004 6:47 AM

ZOID

HiroStone wrote:

Quote:
... 4. The focus groups who reported to my assistant after viewing one of your episodes said they didn't really understand who the bad guys were. We recommend you have all the good guys on the show wear white hats and all the bad guys wear black hats, so the viewers are better able to keep track at a glance just who they're supposed to be rooting for...

And now, a fly-on-the-wall viewpoint of that subcomittee meeting, liberally adapted from Monty Python's "Meaning of Life" (which does give one everything one needs to know about life, BTW):

(Names borrowed and adapted from jaynesaddiction, who got it right)

FOX exec #6566-8543-55687: "What was that about hats again?"

FOX exec #6566-8543-55687-A: (Voice is muffled incoherently)

FOX exec #6566-8543-55687: "Please remove your head from my rectum when you are addressing me."

FOX exec #6566-8543-55687-A: (Reapplying lip balm) "Sorry. I get so caught up in my work. What was the question again?"

FOX exec #6566-8543-55687: (Exasperated) "I said, what was that about hats again?"

FOX exec #6566-8543-55687-A: (Consults Nielsen household interview data) "Umm, apparently people aren't wearing enough of them."

FOX exec #6566-8543-55687-B: (Rising from a kneeling position and wiping corners of mouth) "If we could just go back to what you were saying before about people's souls not developing because they were so easily distracted... (Distractedly) Has anyone noticed that building over there before?"

FOX exec #6566-8543-55687: "Oh, my god! It's the Crimson Permanent Assurance (aka Reavers)!"

Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

Distractedly,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me." The Ballad of Serenity

Only 273 days, 12 hours, 22 minutes, and 41 seconds left until The BDM!

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