If Only Bill Gates was a Sci Fi Fanatic by Calhoun

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If Only Bill Gates was a Sci Fi Fanatic

POSTED BY: CALHOUN
UPDATED: Thursday, December 4, 2003 18:12
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Tuesday, December 2, 2003 2:56 AM

He could afford to buy roughly 5 space stations at 11 billion each so if he contributed 20 Billion or so towards space propulsion systems research we could be on our way to the stars in my lifetime or at least be populating our solar system.

Developments in space... erm.. stuff seem to be happening so slowly its painful. I want to get up there!

Cmon Bill! throw some money into the kitty.

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Tuesday, December 2, 2003 4:17 AM

TEELABROWN

I would like that. Even if I only go to our moon. Or Mars, even. I want to be in the black!

............................................................................................
"Freedom is the Freedom to say that 2+2 makes 4. If that is granted, all else follws"-Winston, 1984
Keep flyin', and remember, THEY can't take the sky from US!

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Tuesday, December 2, 2003 4:25 AM

FREMDFIRMA

I don't wanna go anywhere in particular, although Europa sounds neat to look at...

I just want off THIS rock.

"There is no gravity, earth just SUCKS!"

-frem
diefuxdie

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Tuesday, December 2, 2003 5:38 AM

RHUTTNER

Quote:
Originally posted by Calhoun:
He could afford to buy roughly 5 space stations at 11 billion each so if he contributed 20 Billion or so towards space propulsion systems research we could be on our way to the stars in my lifetime or at least be populating our solar system.

Developments in space... erm.. stuff seem to be happening so slowly its painful. I want to get up there!

Cmon Bill! throw some money into the kitty.

Forget that, if he were a SciFi Fanatic he would continue production on Firefly.

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Tuesday, December 2, 2003 5:43 AM

HAKEN

Likes to mess with stuffs.

Yeah, but...remember this?

Picard:
Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

Geordi:
Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker [puzzled]
What the hell is Microsoft?

Data [turns to explain]
Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

Picard:
But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Data:
Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

Picard:
Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.
. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data:
Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.

Geordi:
Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.

Picard:
Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

Data:
Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker:
Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!

Geordi: [excited]
Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !

Picard:
Data, what do your scanners show?

Data: [studying displays]
Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.

Picard:
Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality.
. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker:
Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?

Geordi:
As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.

Picard:
How much time will that buy us?

Data:
Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.

Geordi:
Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard:
Identify.

Data:
It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...

[over the speakers]
This is admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.

Data:
The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.

Picard:
Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

Riker:
My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

Data:
I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

Riker and Picard, together [horrified]
Lawyers!!

Geordi:
It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

Data:
True, but appearently some must have survived.

Riker:
They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

Data:
I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.

Riker:
They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard:
Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!

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Tuesday, December 2, 2003 5:48 AM

HAKEN

Likes to mess with stuffs.

Or maybe this one...

“Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we’re about to begin a sequel.”

“Captain, Windows 95 doesn’t do SQL.”

“Right. Then let’s see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?”

“Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we’ll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!”

“Scotty, that’s an order.”

“Aye Captain, but she’s just not ready. She needs a proper beta shakedown.”

“That’s what we’re doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?”

“We’re on disk 5, sir.”

“Good. Spock?”

“Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt.”

“Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can’t use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?”

“Unknown, Captain.”

“Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?”

“Unknown, Captain.”

“How about a Sound Blaster?”

“Unknown, Captain.”

“What good are you, anyway?”

“Box-office attraction, Captain.”

“Bones?”

“I’m a doctor - not a hardware technician.” “Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the ProAudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when it’s ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal.”

“Aye, aye, Captain.”

“Chekov?”

“We’ve just entered the desktop zone, Captain.”

“Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines’ll burn up fer surrrrre.”

“Scotty, we haven’t even started yet.”

“Sorry, Captain, I just haven’t had a line in so long …”

“Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad.”

“Aye, Captain.”

“Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. We’ll be navigating back there frequently.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Spock?”

“It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn’t responding, either in sound or SCSI.”

“Disable the card, Spock.”

“I’m sorry, sir. It won’t disable the SCSI without stopping sound card first. And it won’t disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first.”

“Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o’clock.”

“[Looks at watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems.”

“No, sir. The ship is already upon us.”

“Uhura?”

“Scanning all frequencies, sir. I’m trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow.”

“Scotty, what’s happening down there?”

“The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time.”

“See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?”

“It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive.”

[Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed. OOhs and Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.]

“Put it on visual, Chekov.”

“Aye, Captain.”

[Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]

“Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!”

“I’m sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding.”

“Bones?”

“I’m a doctor, not a beta tester!”

“Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file.”

“Captain - it’s gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it.”

“Long-range scan, Chekov.”

“I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard.”

“Patrick Stewart?”

“You’ve never heard of Patrick Stewart?”

“No.”

“Must be a generation gap.”

“Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines’ll burn up fer surrrrre.”

“[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert.”

“Captain, I can’t figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!”

“Bones?”

“I’m a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!”

“Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP LaserJet.”

“Captain, I’ve chosen the screen saver that says ‘Chicago is COOL’ but now I’m getting no response at the helm.”

[BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.]

“Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise, it’s certain doom!”

“Aye, Aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don’t mind saying I’m getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no problems whatsoever.”

“We’ve got … to get … to the kernel. Uhura … notify … the … kernel at Star Fleet.”

“Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or you’re dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again.”

“Spock?”

“Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have out-weighed the needs of the many.”

“Scotty, get us out of here!”

“Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We’ll have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover.”

“Bones?”

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Tuesday, December 2, 2003 5:51 AM

HAKEN

Likes to mess with stuffs.

Bill Gates is everywhere I tell ya. Even Data isn't safe...

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

PICARD: On screen.

[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]

PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?

DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?

PICARD: Make it so.

[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

DATA: Aye, sir.

[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

PICARD: Shields up!

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.

[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.

[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]

PICARD: Shields...

[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]

PICARD: Up, Data!

DATA: Aye, sir.

RIKER: All decks, damage report!

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.

[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.

WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]

PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.

PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!

PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?

DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Abort!

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Well, fail, then!

DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]

LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?

PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.

[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]

PICARD: What's going on?

LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.

[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]

FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?

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Wednesday, December 3, 2003 1:11 AM

DRAKON

Quote:
Originally posted by Fremdfirma:
I don't wanna go anywhere in particular, although Europa sounds neat to look at...

I just want off THIS rock.

"There is no gravity, earth just SUCKS!"

I agree with these sentiments. However, while Bill has a lot of cash in theory, in practice most of his assets are in Mircosoft stock. Cashing in that much stock, from the corporate founder, for whatever reason, would kill the stock price and he would be lucky to get 10 cents on the dollar.

Of course that still leaves Bill with a few billion dollars.

"Wash, where is my damn spaceship?"

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Thursday, December 4, 2003 6:12 PM

TEELABROWN

Haken, those were funny. I like the third's one last line about Macintoshes. I like Macs and I'm growing up with them. I'm using a Mac right now. (Please don't insult me or the machine. Each person have their own preferences.)

Keep flyin'!

............................................................................................
"Freedom is the Freedom to say that 2+2 makes 4. If that is granted, all else follws"-Winston, 1984
Keep flyin', and remember, THEY can't take the sky from US!

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