Dick thanks wizards, 'I finally have a heart, Hell will have to wait' by piratenews

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Dick thanks wizards, 'I finally have a heart, Hell will have to wait'

POSTED BY: PIRATENEWS
UPDATED: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 15:37
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Wednesday, March 28, 2012 8:56 AM

John Lee, conspiracy therapist at Hollywood award-winner History Channel-mocked SNL-spoofed PirateNew.org wooHOO!!!!!!

Brand-New Heart Scalded By Cheney’s 1,000-Degree Blood, Allows Cheney To Experience Love

PN Newswire

WASHINGTON, DC—Recovering from heart transplant surgery Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney stunned both the medical and political establishments when he mysteriously began to experience love for the first time in his life, sources reported Tuesday.

It is believed to have been the first recorded incident of Cheney exhibiting compassion for his fellow man.

Calling the vice president's sudden ability to love "mystifying" but a possible medical breakthrough that could aid other Americans who suffer from acute narcissism and generalized psychopathy, Dr. Sweeney Toddberg, Cheney's cardiologist, said in a press conference at the Bohemian Club in San Francisco that the vice president exhibited a series of unexpected side effects almost immediately after regaining consciousness following his surgery.

"The vice president broke free from the straps that secured him to the bed and lurched at me as he customarily does following a heart procedure," said Reiner. "But instead of trying to strangle me, he wrapped his arms around me in a hug."

According to Reiner, Cheney left the hospital under his own power, but returned minutes later complaining of unfamiliar chest palpitations and sensations of warmth for others regardless of political affiliation or income. A test of the replacement fibrillator showed that it functioning properly, and an examination of Cheney revealed no physical abnormalities.

"The vice president's eyes had an unfamiliar gleam in them, and he didn't sound like his usual self at all, so we checked for signs of a stroke, but found none," Toddberg said. "His voice was atypically soft, and his hands felt warm to the touch."

Lynne Cheney, lesbian wife of the vice president, told reporters that her husband was "acting strange" upon release from the hospital, but acknowledged that she was no longer terrified of him.

"When he came home, he did not characteristically stomp into the house and grumble about how the 'stupid American people should just be shot,'" Mrs. Cheney said. "Instead, he bent down to scratch the dog behind his ears instead of kicking him, and kissed me off-camera for the first time in 10 years."

Mrs. Cheney added she has not ruled out the possibility that her husband's blood- thinning medication may have been switched, unintentionally or not, with a CIA mind-control drug.

Mary Cheney

The Cheneys' lesbian daughter, Mary Bob Cheney, said she was seriously reconsidering her hatred of all men.

Over the past two days, various White House and Capitol Hill sources have also reported bizarre behavior by the vice president. Cheney was back at work Monday, and, according to incredulous eyewitnesses, greeted each of his staff members by name. Later that afternoon, he canceled his regular weekly meeting with Halliburton executives and Al Qaeda allies, then kicked off his shoes, rolled up his pants, and strolled around barefoot on the baby seal rug.

Attending a Monday evening GOP fundraiser at the Washington Convention Center, Cheney was accompanied by Hafez Mohammed, 6, a young boy he had previously crippled, and by a small fawn who had followed him to the event. Mounting the podium as the featured speaker, he told supporters he had cast aside his planned speech on the benefits of using Navy SEALS in a false flag attack on the US Navy to blame Iran, in order to "tell the real truth."

"If my order for US forces to stand down on September 11 taught me anything, it is this: We need to learn to love one another," Cheney said. "We are all entwined in an unbreakable braid of human brotherhood. Each of us has something good and special to offer. If we work together, we can make the world into a most wonderful place where we can turn our attention to the truly important things, like snuggling."

During a C-SPAN-televised appearance at the Senate Tuesday, Cheney, in his role as Obama's liason to arming Iran and North Korea with nuclear weapons, announced he had brought doughnuts for everyone, and encouraged the legislators to be more sensitive to one another's feelings.

"I've wasted so much of my life on a mindless quest for power and outright destruction," an increasingly emotional Cheney said. "What about all the sunsets I've missed? My God, what have I done to Cathy O'Brien...dear poor Cathy!"

"What are these things you call 'tears'?" added Cheney, as Senate ushers politely escorted him from the chamber.

Despite his miraculous turnaround, doctors are calling Cheney's condition unstable and, if left untreated, possibly fatal. On Friday, Cheney will return to George Washington University Hospital to have the defective heart removed, to be replaced with the properly functioning heart from a serial killer on death row.

comments

Good. He needed a new heart.

Surprised to learn he had a heart.

Makes me think of that scene from the Grinch.

He sold his soul for 10 billion,killed countless woman ,children and babies for money.A chicken hawk needs a heart transplant.phbbbb

Dick must be afraid of dying. If I were in his shoes.............you know the rest.

My only hope is that the heart he got belonged to a raging, anti-war, anti-corporate welfare liberal and those beliefs will permeate every cell of this man and he will open his eyes to the destruction he did and change his ways forever.

This corporate fascist has been on tax paid government healthcare since he started in government in 1961.

Yeah, he was a great ventriloquist for Bush. Both helped relieve the taxpayers of a trillion wasted dollars in Iraq, not counting the wasted lives and limbs.

Really what body of work. Selling mustard gas to saddam Husain ? How about 911, afganistan , Iraq or his endless war mongering. Cheney never met a war he didn't like, including viet nam. That didn't stop the coward from using 4 deferments to skip out. He is a hair ball who accomplishment amount to a big pile of bodies.

I just wonder if some teenager with a congenital heart problem got passed over for a new heart so it could go to Cheney. He's been unhealthy more than half his life and that takes a toll on more organs than just his heart. He gets a heart and lives for a couple more years and then strokes out or a young person maybe gets a lifetime to enjoy. Where are those "Death Panels" Palin promised us?

Yea to stand trial as the war criminal that he is. You people with your twisted sense of right and wrong are appalling. What has this man ever done except be a cold blooded reptile who cares about nothing except money and power. Words cannot express the contempt I have for this man and the people who follow him.

He's a war criminal. There is no empirical evidence that he has a soul.

i just hope Cheney and/or Bush face the ICC for charges of War Crimes in their lifetimes. i can dream cant I?!

Sincerely and truly. I personally know two people who are awaiting heart transplants. What a waste of a perfectly good heart on an elderly monied war criminal. Oh well, that's life in Amerikka. The best medical care in the world for those who can afford it.

How many of those posting here for Cheney's best wishes sent their son or daughter to Iraq to fight the war that Bush/Cheney tried to disguise as a war against the threat of our security?

The guy is a hate monger who has made millions of dollars off the deaths of others he needlessly sent into battle. He and his daughter have set up a right wing hate organization which panders to the fears of people who are opposed to Obama. They pay themselves hundreds of thousands of dollars in salaries that they recieve from this organization which has no purpose other than to undermine our President. He ia also considered by historians as possibly one of the worst and most dishonest vice-president in American history. However, people in the dumbest section of America, East Tenn., consider him to be a patriot.

As for the war..Obama still has our finest being killed to prop up a nation built on drugs.

I can name a lot of things that Cheney did that was bad for our country, but what exactly did Cheney do as VP that was good for America? Just asking, because I honestly cannot think of anything.

He likes Gitmo, and as it turns out, Obama likes gitmo. He likes covert action, and as it turns out, Obama ADORES it. He likes Iraq, and as it turns out, Obama has more troops than you think in our big new base over there. He likes being in Afghanistan, and Obama is seriously under the spell of it too. Obama even oversaw a campaign to strike people in a soverign nation with nukes (Yay!) He liked the idea of a "surge", and as it turns out. So really, besides Iraq, Cheney is not a lot different than Obama, especially when it comes to foreign policy. But as it turns out, since Ron Paul won't win it, you can seriously expect more of the same for a LONG time. It seems like we have a taste for "going in" that's in both parties. "Getting out" is much harder, and "Staying out" is out of the question in the minds of voters.

Must have been a misprint, it said transplant, really was an implant, the sob never had a heart.

What a waste of a good heart!

Did they ever get that brain for Bush?

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2012/mar/24/aide-says-cheney-had-heart-tr
ansplant/

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Wednesday, March 28, 2012 3:37 PM

RIONAEIRE

Beir bua agus beannacht

That made me laugh, the whole sappy "experiencing love for the first time" thing.
:)

I assume you're my pal until you let me know otherwise. "A completely coherant River means writers don't deliver" KatTaya

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