Author's Note: This is just some thoughts of Mal about the nature of love. First section is right after 'Heart of Gold' and the other is during the 'funeral' in the movie.

******

How could I be so stupid?

Mal hung his head and rubbed his temples.

Coulda refused. Shoulda. Didn’t.

He sighed and gained his feet resignedly. He was regretting the night when it was the day that had cost several lives. But he couldn’t get it from his mind. He didn’t love her. So why? And why had it hurt him so badly to see her lying there?

Then he realized the truth.

The ones I even attempt to love end up dead or broken.

And that was what kept him aloof from Inara and wary with his crew.

I can't do it. Deal with that loss. That pain. It happens all too often.

Again he hung his head, mentally tallying the loved ones he'd lost.

Don’t wanna add to that list. Best not love.

He made the pact with himself again.

*****

And there it is. I dared to love them.

Mal stood silently in front of the three memorials. He thought most on two in particular. His crew. His family.

But for some reason it didn’t hurt so much that he'd loved them. Perhaps it was true that his love caused their deaths, but he wouldn’t take it away.

Zoe's survived all these years with my love. It isn’t the love that kills, it just makes it hurt more.

He decided it was worth the risk. Worth the pain. He glanced at Inara. He hair was blowing gently in the dry wind. She wiped away a tear.

Yes. I can surely risk everything.

*******

Author's Note: This was inspired by the song 'A Man and A Woman' by U2 in which the line "The only pain is to feel nothing at all. And I could never take the chance of losing love to find romance."